Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, March 20

Thank you, DD!!!

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. 
Those who judge me don't matter.

Those, who click me some grocery money, 

____________________________________________________

(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money, 
REALLY matter.
____________________________________________________
1
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

____________________________________________________
2 
Little Johnny had a first date lined up with a woman he had been
after for quite a while. When she finally consented to go out
with him, he wanted to plan the most romantic evening he could.

He picked her up at her apartment, and then drove out to the
beach. 

Little Johnny had prepared very carefully for this date and
brought out a blanket for them to sit upon the sand and a bottle
of the finest wine.

The moonlight was shining down on them and Little Johnny poured
his date some wine. He handed her the glass, looked lovingly in
to her eyes and said,
"Now this is what I call romantic. The waves crashing on the
shore, the moonlight in your eyes, a warm tropical breeze, a
bottle of wine.....,"
he takes a sip of wine and says, "Oh and by the way...do you Spit
or swallow?

____________________________________________________
3
Did you hear about Trish?
She
...Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where
   she laid him.
...Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
...Was called tapioca because she could be made
   in a minute.
...Thought her typewriter was pregnant because
   it missed a period.
...Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of
   birth control.
...Thought that peter pan was something for under
   the bed.
...Thought that "Moby Dick" was a veneral disease.
...Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from
   clean shot glass.
...Smelled good only on the right side because she
   couldn't find the left guard.
...Wore union pants because her best friend was
   having labor pains.
...Studied 5 days for a urine test.
...Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
...Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
...Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
...Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for
   gas and 6 for directions.
...Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to
   eat with a fork.

____________________________________________________
4
My ex- girlfriend has a picture of a sea shell tattooed on her
inner thigh.  If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

____________________________________________________
5
An Irish cop stopped a speeding car. The driver was a
priest. Putting away his citation book, the cop said,
"Father, I just stopped you to tell you there's a
Protestant cop up the road a ways."

___________________________________________________
6
Doctor: "Madame, I'd like to give you a thorough examination.
Please take off all your clothes."

Patient: "But doctor, I only stopped by for the blood test
results.  Dr. Johnson found me in perfect condition just
yesterday."

Doctor: "So he told me... so he told me."

___________________________________________________
7
>From DW
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging
my secretary.

He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"

I told him, "Nope!  I do this for free."

___________________________________________________
8
Bill saved for years and years for his dream
vacation - a weekend in Nevada, where prostitution
was legal.  However, since he worked for barely
minimum wage, the years stretched into decades
and he was ninety-one when he got off the bus in
Reno in front of a glitzy bordello.  Buffalo tottered
up to the front desk.

"Isn't this Reno's famous Pleasure Palace?"
he asked.

"Why, yes," replied the incredulous receptionist.
"How may I help you?"

"Don't you have the most beautiful girls in town
lined up and waiting?" Bill quavered.  The
receptionist nodded. 

"Well, I'm here to get some."

"How old are you, Pops?" she asked bluntly.

"I'm ninety-one."

"Ninety-one!  Pops, you've had it."

"Oh, really?" A disconcerted look passed over
the old man's face as his trembling fingers
reached for his wallet. "What do I owe you?"

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(¯`v´¯)
Ophelia
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or two, if you can afford it!

Please, help me stay online!
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Enjoy!
Ophelia