NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults. |
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PRIVACY =====================================================Good Morning, ! Today is Friday, February 15 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!Well, , what did you get for Valentines Day? A fan wanted to be nice and click me $10 with PayPal. But his PayPal had been used by "She, Who must be Obeyed", and was empty. So instead, he wants me to feel sorry for him. Well, it does not have to be Valentines Day. You can make my day any day of the year by leaving a tip. Today Dear Webby hase to go to Calgary for injections into his eyeballs. That means there won't be a News Letters on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. You get a vacation! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, ____________________________________________________ (¯`v´¯) Ophelia Renew / Upgrade
Please vote for me at the EzineFinder
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." ____________________________________________________ 2 The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters." ____________________________________________________ 3 Husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! Until the doctor confirms the test result we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door- bell, because the couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company's office the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle!" ____________________________________________________ 4 The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement, a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one was a non officer, a grizzly an old Master Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Master Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Master Chief to "drop'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Master Chief calmly replied . . "Vietnam". ____________________________________________________ 5 Nina and Rosey meet for lunch and Nina seems a little depressed. "What's wrong Nina? " asks Rosey. Nina replies, "Well, a friend of mine set me up on a blind date and I told her the criteria I was looking for in a man. " "Yeah, so, whats the problem?" asks Rosey. "Well, " Nina said, "My friend must have misunderstood me, cause the guy that showed up was as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!" ___________________________________________________ 6 A couple were making love in a 5 Series BMW when the bloke's back seized up. The ambulance men were afraid to move him in case of serious damage to his spine. So the police decided to use the 'jaws of life'. They simply cut the entire top of the car off so the patient could be safely lifted out without bending. When the ambulance departed the girl sat weeping beside the abbreviated 5 Series BMW. Feeling sorry for her, a cop patted her on the shoulder. 'He'll be all right,' he reassured her. The girl rounded on him savagely. 'Oh, sod him,' she exclaimed. 'How am I going to explain to my husband what happened to his BMW?' ___________________________________________________ 7 There once was a man from Van Isle Who said jogging just wasn't his style. "I'll get my workouts," he said, "At home, in my bed, 'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!" ___________________________________________________ 8 His dick is most surely a dilly, A grand and marvelous Willie. His gal loves to give head, But most often instead; He ends by just screwing her silly. ====================================================
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Enjoy! (¯`v´¯) Ophelia ===================
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