Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Today is Saturday, May 25

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Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak. "Father, I am going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?" "O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..." "Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?" "I'm very, very happy," says the son.. "OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah. Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening. "Father... I too will be married soon!" Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "What is her name?," implores the father. "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox." "Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?" "I'm happy, Father." "OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha. Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. "Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out. The very next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father, I am to wed in the spring!" "HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands. "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?" "No," says Chutzpah. "Hmmm," says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills?" "Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah... "What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most handsome son?" "Whoopi." ____________________________________________________ 2 Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00." ____________________________________________________ 3 A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck! _____________________________________________________________ 4 Given that Al Gore has no job, he decided to take a sightseeing vacation to Europe. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Gore?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test. He calls Bill Clinton and says, "Hi, Bill, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, Al. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Clinton hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Gore agrees, and Clinton hangs up. Clinton immediately calls members of his old staff, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Clinton calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot." Much relieved, Clinton rushes back to call Gore and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Gore replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair." ____________________________________________________ 5 A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen. "Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window." ___________________________________________________ 6 "When I was growing up my mother wanted me to be a priest, but I think it's a tough occupation. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in and tell you all the highlights of theirs?" --- Tom Dreesen What are the two biggest lies in Poland? "The check is in your mouth" and "I won't come in the mail" ___________________________________________________ 7 A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?" "Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor and put a few saucers where he would land." ___________________________________________________ 8 Two Kiwi's are working on a building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says, "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go, eh." "Walk out to the ind of thit plank," replies Muck. "I'll stand on this ind & balance ut." "Are you sure, Muck?" "Yis, no worries" "100%?" "YIS!" So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner. Several days later an Australian, a Frenchman & a Kiwi are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest... Wazza the Aussie says, "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!" Pierre, the Frenchman says, "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like French champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure." Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says, "No, You blokes are both wrong, the other day I was walking past a building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came jumping off a 12 story building with his dick in his hand screaming, "CUUUUUUUUNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!" ====================================================
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