Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.

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Enjoy!
Ophelia

Good Morning, !
Today is Wedmesday, June 23

(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
________________________________________________________



(`v)
Ophelia

Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
matter.
Those, who click me some grocery
money,
REALLY matter.
_______________________________________________________

1
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her
supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The
nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her
overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the
open front of her uniform!

"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the
hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast
exposed!"

"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her
uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back
when they're through using it!"

_______________________________________________________
2
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son they had always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father
rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He
went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the
father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave
her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

_________________________________________________
3
The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattoed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille

_________________________________________________
4
Randy went to a party the other night and was having a real
blast.
After he'd
been there a few hours (and several, several drinks), he
noticed this
fabulous blonde standing over to the side. She was in her early
to mid
twenties with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist. She
was
built
like a brick, well, anyway she was built!
The amazing thing was, she kept staring at him and smiling.
Naturally, being a man, he decided to go try his luck. Like
they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. He went over and
struck up a conversation with her (don't remember about what,
but it had to be very interesting).

Well, one thing led to another and she invited him back to her
place and being the gentleman he was, he said "OK." He would
not go into all the details of the night (mainly because he
didn't remember), but he awoke the next morning to the aroma of
fresh coffee and bacon frying. He thought now this is great! He
thought he might have a keeper here.

He got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen. When he
got there her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was
standing at the stove.

Embarrassed, he stammered, "Where's your grand-daughter?"
She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face
and said, "I don't have a grand-daughter or a daughter."

____________________________________________________
5
When they arrive the Devil informs them that he is going to
remove their penises.

"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.

"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them"
says the devil.

So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack.
So I'll cut it off with a saw"

To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith. So I'm
going to burn it off"

As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.

"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends
penises" says the Devil.

"I know" replies the man "but my father was a Popsicle maker"

_____________________________________________________
6
A man wanted to get married.  He was having trouble choosing
among three likely  candidates. He gives each woman a present
of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the  money.

The first does a total  make over. She goes to a fancy beauty
salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new
outfits and  dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him
that  she has done this to be more attractive for him because
she loves him so much.

The man was  impressed.

The second goes shopping  to buy the man gifts. She gets him a
new set of golf  clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and
some  expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she
tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she
loves him so  much.

Again, the man is  impressed.

The third invests the  money in the stock market. She earns
several times  the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and
reinvests  the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that
she  wants to save for their future because she loves him so
much.

Obviously, the man was  impressed.

The man thought for a long  time about what each woman had done
with the money he'd  given her.

Then, he married the one  with the biggest  boobs.
Men are like that, you  know.

_____________________________________________________
7
There is more money being  spent on breast implants and Viagra
today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there  should be a large elderly population with perky boobs
and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of  what to
do with them.

_____________________________________________________
8
Told to me by a friend with kids in elementary school.  The
administration of this particular elementary school decided to
start a more inclusive policy on which words were "bad" words.
Among those initiated to the category was "suck".

One day a child came up to the teacher to inform her that one
of the other students had said a bad word.
"What was the bad word he said?" asked the teacher.

"I can't say it."

"It's ok to tell me, you won't get in trouble for it."

"No, it's too bad, I don't want to say it"

"Well I have to know what he said in order to punish him. Can
you tell me what it is without saying it?"

"Well... it rhymes with 'fuck'"
____________________________________________________





Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia ===================
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