Ophelia Dingbatter's News|
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, June 25
Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me.
Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money,
WOMEN: Women are honest, loyal and forgiving.
They are smart; knowing that knowledge is power.
But they still know how to use their softer side to make a
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are
strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They live in homes, apartments and cabins.
They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they
care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth, they bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the
same to people you come in contact with.
MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff, fixing shit and
Alabama: At least we're not Mississippi!
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Delaware: We're too small to have a motto
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids!
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (or 'Death to
Scum, But Leave Your Money')
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But
The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky!: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$! %##!
Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the
Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah,
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Habla Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in
the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was
there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were
The clerk was upset because Jesse was whining, loud, abrasive,
and obnoxious, as is usual for him, and was driving customers
away. So the clerk called the store manager, who arrived and
asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?"
Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact
that all of them were white.
The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the
washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids,
you'll see that all the agitators are black".
Driving in Tronnoh (Toronto)
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Toronto
driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave any distance between
you and the car in front of you. The space will be filled in
by somebody else, putting you in a dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance
you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one
expects it and it will only result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. Ontario is a no-fault insurance province and the
other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot
massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without
ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's
a great way to scare people entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are just arbitrary numbers provided as a
suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Toronto
during rush hour.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and can't move doesn't
mean that the other Toronto driver flashing his high beams
behind you can't go faster in your spot.
10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident
or even someone changing a tire.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Toronto is the home of the high-
speed slalom driving thanks to the Provincial Highway
Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test
drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
12. It is traditional in Toronto to honk your horn at cars
that don't move the instant the light turns green.
13. Remember that the goal of every Toronto driver is to get
there first by whatever means necessary.
14. In the Toronto area, 'flipping someone the bird' is
considered a polite Toronto salute. This gesture should
always be returned.
15. At least four more cars should proceed on a left after the
light turns red. If you fail to do so, you will be rear-
16. The highways can also be used to dispose of any messy
garbage that may be lying around. These items are better off
cluttering the side of the road then cluttering your car's
interior where they may distract you and cause an accident.
17. If someone cuts you off you should return the gesture by
speeding around them on the right, pulling in front of them
and slamming on the brakes. This works even better when your
car is of less value.
18. Never make eye contact with another driver when passing
through Scarborough. Nuff said!
19. Your horn is an all-purpose stress-reliever.
20. When someone leaves a purse, wallet, KFC bucket, or
shopping bag on top of their car, don`t make any gestures,
that will only result in them slamming on their brakes and
coming after you with a tire iron. Stay close enough to catch
the loot as it slides off their roof. Finders-Keepers.
A traveling salesman visits a small town and sees a circus
banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman." Curious, he
buys a ticket.
The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn
to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a
table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old
Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a
huge penis and Smashes all three walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Scot is
carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and
he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't
Miss the Amazing Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is
still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a
Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of
walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman
stands before them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and Smashes
the Coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The
crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after
"You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to
know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to
"Well," says the Scot: "Ma eyes are nae whit they used to be."
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me
it is a time to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special
trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends
with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted
because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and
sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most,
the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he
paused, looked me in the eye and said .
"Don't marry a woman with big hands. They make your pecker
Doc is fixing the virginity.
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