Ophelia Dingbatter's News|
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, January 17
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Those who matter don't judge me.
Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money,
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around,
he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his
two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the
sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a
perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better
to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put
his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled
fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening,
the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon,
the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned
over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she
could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than
skunks, and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?" Ole
replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Michigan, da land
of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a
little bit, don't ya know.' The devil decides that these two
aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When
he returns to the room of the two guys from Michigan's Upper
Peninsula, the devil finds them in light jackets and hats,
grilling Walleye and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in
abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm
veather up dere at da Soo, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry
vhen da veather's dis nice.' The devil is absolutely furious.
He can hardly see straight.
Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat
because they have been cold all their lives.
The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next
morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are
unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and
heads for the room with Ole and Sven.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats,
and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling
and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't
understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its
freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't
ya know; if hell is froze over, dat must mean da Lions von da
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I
have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I
have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in
the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's
house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
"Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!"
As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding
night, the groom says to his bride, "Honey, I have a confession
to make. I'm a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I
can't get enough of it. You'll probably never see me on the
His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, "Honey I have a
confession also...I'm a hooker."
"No problem." Replied the groom, "Just keep your left arm
straight and keep that head down. You'll be hitting
them straight in no time."
Some feminists are demanding that housewives be paid a weekly
salary for all the work they do. Eventually, we'll have a
I can't wait to see what happens when the housewives go on
strike and strike breakers are brought in to take their places.
School girl : "I do not want to take the Sex Education class"
Teacher : "Why not?"
School girl : "Someone told me the Final Exam would be oral!"
Employee: Boss, I've been here 11 years, doing three men's work
for one man's pay. I want a raise and I want it now!
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but tell you what.... if
you tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
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