Ophelia Dingbatter's News|
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, April 30
Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me.
Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money,
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father,what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come
on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the
A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The
sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a
little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she
then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts
increase in size by 25% during sex?"
Her hubby, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours
To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without
even a pause, replied,
"You're not pumping hard enough!"
A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had
a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but
being rather unworldly, they don't really know how.
Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to
change it for them. They gratefully accepted.
As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from
the jack and he yelled, "Son-of-a-bitch"
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language.
We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again.
Again it slipped, this time almost smashing his
fingers. "Son-of- a-bitch," he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire
is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get
upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me.'"
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. And
again it slipped.
He started to say "Son.." but he corrected himself and
said, "Sweet Jesus, help me."
At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by
The nuns looked at the car in wonder, exclaiming in
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their
religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to
dance with men, and women to dance with women at the
reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and
women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's absolutely forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within
marriage, to have children."
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah."
"With the woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah."
"Can we do it doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah."
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling,
a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of
honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah."
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the Rabbi. "Absolutely NEVER standing
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
A drunk staggers walks into a diner and orders a couple of
eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back
to question the chef.
"Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two
rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed
he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns,
sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the
breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and
asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." The drunk asks,
"Do you have a rooster?"
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some
skunk is screwing your chickens."
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most
adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this
makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know
the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes
home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know
the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and
says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home
from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't
say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next
day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms,
and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"
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