Ophelia Dingbatter's News|
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, October 16
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Those who matter don't judge me.
Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money,
Darling," cooed the wife sweetly over morning coffee, "do
you remember those trout you spent two weeks fishing for
back in April?"
"Sure," mumbled her husband through his newspaper.
"Well," she continued, "one of them called last night to
say you're going to he a father."
Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice
"If you build it, they will come."
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a poem with
the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second
Here are the top 12 entries they received:
1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.
2. I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
5. Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
This describes everything you are not
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life
9. I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
10. My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
11. My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
12 What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the
advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded
with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and
you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I
must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets
the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room
and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What
about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then
he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live
together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two
children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work
out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy
old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how
she enjoyed it.
She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all
the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
TOP ELEVEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
11. Cats' facial expressions
10. What the hell is so important about chocolate.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day.
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they
came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they
took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along
but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and
the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his
face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes
back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
its my face they would recognize."
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