Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.

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Today is Sunday, June 25

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 WOMEN: Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart; knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth, they bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with. MEN: Men are good at lifting heavy stuff, fixing shit and opening jars. _____________________________________________________ 2 State Slogans Alabama: At least we're not Mississippi! Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We're too small to have a motto Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids! Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (or 'Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money') Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Gateway to Iowa Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky!: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: For Sale Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$! %##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones! Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Se Habla Ingles Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot? _____________________________________________________ 3 The Reverend Jesse Jackson was holding a press conference in the appliance department of a Sears store in Chicago. He was there to protest the fact that all the washing machines were white. The clerk was upset because Jesse was whining, loud, abrasive, and obnoxious, as is usual for him, and was driving customers away. So the clerk called the store manager, who arrived and asked, "What's the problem here, Reverend?" Jesse pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that all of them were white. The manager replied, "Well, Reverend, it's true that all the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black". ____________________________________________________ 4 >From Don Driving in Tronnoh (Toronto) 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Toronto driver never uses them. 2. Under no circumstance should you leave any distance between you and the car in front of you. The space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in a dangerous situation. 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit. 4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in your being rear-ended. 5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Ontario is a no-fault insurance province and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose. 6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a great way to scare people entering the highway. 8. Speed limits are just arbitrary numbers provided as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Toronto during rush hour. 9. Just because you're in the left lane and can't move doesn't mean that the other Toronto driver flashing his high beams behind you can't go faster in your spot. 10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. 11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Toronto is the home of the high- speed slalom driving thanks to the Provincial Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. 12. It is traditional in Toronto to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. 13. Remember that the goal of every Toronto driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary. 14. In the Toronto area, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite Toronto salute. This gesture should always be returned. 15. At least four more cars should proceed on a left after the light turns red. If you fail to do so, you will be rear- ended. 16. The highways can also be used to dispose of any messy garbage that may be lying around. These items are better off cluttering the side of the road then cluttering your car's interior where they may distract you and cause an accident. 17. If someone cuts you off you should return the gesture by speeding around them on the right, pulling in front of them and slamming on the brakes. This works even better when your car is of less value. 18. Never make eye contact with another driver when passing through Scarborough. Nuff said! 19. Your horn is an all-purpose stress-reliever. 20. When someone leaves a purse, wallet, KFC bucket, or shopping bag on top of their car, don`t make any gestures, that will only result in them slamming on their brakes and coming after you with a tire iron. Stay close enough to catch the loot as it slides off their roof. Finders-Keepers. _____________________________________________________ 5 A traveling salesman visits a small town and sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifts his kilt, whips out a huge penis and Smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Scot is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same: "Don't Miss the Amazing Scotsman." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Scotsman stands before them, then suddenly lifts his kilt and Smashes the Coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he tells the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," says the Scot: "Ma eyes are nae whit they used to be." _____________________________________________________ 6 From Danny My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said . "Don't marry a woman with big hands. They make your pecker look smaller. =====================================================




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