Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.

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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, January 16


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he was, he resumed his stance. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his stance. Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him: "Well that lady, a nymphomaniac, once a week, manages to escape from the mental hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which one of them can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her into the bushes and later, back to the hospital." "What about the bucket of sand?'' "Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap.'' ____________________________________________________ 2 A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in. Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully. "Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam." ____________________________________________________ 3 Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons. Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it. Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax. Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better. Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls. Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed. Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..." ____________________________________________________ 4 A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style! It makes your nose look too short." ____________________________________________________ 5 One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. ___________________________________________________ 6 Aussie Slang....what can you expect??? Going for a McSh*T: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McSh*t with Lies. Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. Johnny-No-Stars: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!". Mumbler: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc., i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying. Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with great looking people when you come back in. Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks. Salad Dodger: An excellent phrase for an overweight person. Swamp-Donkey: A deeply unattractive woman. Tart Fuel or B*tch Piss: Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women. Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out. Two-Bagger or Double Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off). Up on Blocks: Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks". ___________________________________________________ 7 There was a little girl, who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead And when she was good, she was very very good But when she was bad, she got a fur coat, ....jewels, a sports car...... ___________________________________________________ 8 Jerry was walking near a ladies fashion store when he observed this knockout blonde approaching him. He says to the lady, "You are a gal with my favorite kind of legs!" The blonde asks, "And just what kind of legs are they?" Jerry says, " They have feet on one end and pussy on the other!" --------- Go ahead! Use that line! If you get slapped, tell her I put you up to it. If you don't get slapped, tell me and brag tomorrow! ====================================================
Ophelia Dingbatter
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