Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.

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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, November 23
Happy Thanksgiving Day in the US

Today DearWebby has to go to Calgary for injections into
his eyeballs. That means nothing will be sent out for
Friday, Saturday and  Sunday.

Enjoy!
Ophelia

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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 Stopping smoking: Day One: Shit. Day One again only the next day: Have tried to kill husband twice. Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done. Same for bathroom. Am suddenly thinking this has upside. Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind me of cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully. Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him. Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one. That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion. Day two, morning: Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn. Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both. Day 2, afternoon: See husband off to airport for business trip. Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise. Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.) Decide to take walk. Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette. I tell her no out of spite. Day 3, morning: Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal. Day 3, Afternoon: Call garbage disposal repair. Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person. Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess. Day 472: Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. ( Federal crime.) Day 478: Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade. Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs. Day 552: Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots. Decide husband will live as price too steep. Day 558: Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked. Feel better. Day 691: Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be. Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric. Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issued full pardon due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute: allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal. Day 1: Shit. ----------------------- I quit smoking March 2011 just to be ornery and make sure DearWebby could not start smoking again and show he has less will power than me. Well, the old fart has not smoked since, so I have to stay smoke free too. Actually, I am glad I stopped. At today's prices, I could not afford it anyway. With the tiny little bit of snow we got so far, I am struggling to get enough cash for potatoes. Luckily I love potatoes. ____________________________________________________ 2 It seemed all was well for old Bill For the night was romantic and still. She was warm, she was waiting, She was ripe for the mating But alas--she was not on the pill. ____________________________________________________ 3 A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city where I live. My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy and would need to hire some people to help him unload his van and trailer when he got there. My brother asked if I had any ideas of where his co-worker might find some day workers to help. The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about a new program they had to get people down-and- out on their luck some day jobs. I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring. Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in my city. He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation Army." "What do you do?" asked the man. "We save wicked men and women," came the reply. He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new apartment on Friday." ____________________________________________________ 4 My daughter brought a new boyfriend around. I was a bit worried as he was a nerdy type, glasses held to gether with tape, pocket full of pens etc. He also appeared to be wearing shoes designed to make him look taller. I had to advise her: "Beware of geeks wearing lifts" ____________________________________________________ 5 Dr. Jones completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis." "Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?" After giving it a little thought, Dr. Jones responded, "Considering that I got conceived in a phone booth, it's possible," then he added "but it would probably have been uncomfortable." ____________________________________________________ 6 It was one of the happiest days of my life. Arrived at the church, mother-in-law waiting at the altar, Walked up the aisle, kissed her on the cheek, smiled......... And closed the fucking lid ___________________________________________________ 7 A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says: "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!" ------------ I know a few guys, who would stand in line to help the poor girl! =====================================================




Enjoy! (`v) Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter
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