Ophelia Dingbatter's News|
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
BLOG | Subscribe | |
Since July 1, 2011,
the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day,
$1 per month or $10 per year.
Can you afford $1 per month?
1) If you are not signed up, sign up with the Double-Opt-In Subscriber,
2) Confirm, that your email address CAN receive mail from me,
3) That will get you the free subscption.
If you receive it OK, you can proceed to step #4.
If not, check your spam settings and with your ISP or email processor.
Do NOT proceed to step #4 until you
successfully receive the free subscription!
If the free subscription gets censored and does not make it through to you,
then the paid version will not make it through either.
Do NOT complain to me,
if your spam setting or your ISP censors your email.
There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about what
goes on at your ISP or in your computer.
4) AFTER you have verified, that you CAN receive my newsletter,
THEN you can pay for your subscription to the full version at
You can pay easily and securely with PayPal,
even if you don't have a PayPal account.
Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.
If you want to pay with a paper check, Webby will cash it for me.
Please send it to
Black Diamond, AB T0L 0H0
Please mark on it somewhere, that it is for Ophelia.
I will add you to the list the moment Webby tells me about
receiving your check.
Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, November 23
Happy Thanksgiving Day in the US
Today DearWebby has to go to Calgary for injections into
his eyeballs. That means nothing will be sent out for
Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Renew / Upgrade
Thanks for voting for me!
Those who matter don't judge me.
Those who judge me don't matter.
Those, who click me some grocery money,
Day One: Shit.
Day One again only the next day:
Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that
squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which
remind me of
cigarettes. Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him
leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write
or surf as this
has been main smoking area. It's about four-o' clock now; I
could have just
one, I could have just one, I could have just one.
That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives with me; 'he' could be a
chick, but frankly,
right now, I don't frigging care. Decide to play fantasy
Playstation. Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so
game hero can save
world. World doomed in my opinion.
Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual.
Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ
Reynolds Company and
Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never
had desire for
nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up
six times during
night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to
assist my system
flush poison." Am feeling unusually testy as result of lack
of sleep and
deep-seated oral fixation fantasies. Decide to either kill
or have sex with
mail carrier when post arrives.
Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.
Clean closets. Nothing new in mail.
Did all laundry out of necessity -
body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets (Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk.
Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet.
She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.
Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous
Feed rest down garbage disposal.
Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.
Day 4: Receive visitor.
Police looking for missing mail carrier -
received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.
Make coffee and
offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit
to make smiley
faces on plate. Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes.
Burst in to
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee.
( Federal crime.)
Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no
cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.
Receive divorce papers:
husband marrying tobacco heiress.
Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked.
Wants twelve cartons of cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten
Decide husband will live as price too steep.
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment to cell-mate to
have defense attorney whacked.
Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last
Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in
federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke.
Ahhhhh. Feel slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.
Warden enters cell excitedly; Governor issued full pardon
due to new Federal "It Takes a Village" crimes statute:
allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe
Day 1: Shit.
I quit smoking March 2011 just to be ornery and make sure
DearWebby could not start smoking again and show he has less
will power than me. Well, the old fart has not smoked
so I have to stay smoke free too. Actually, I am glad I
stopped. At today's prices, I could not afford it anyway.
With the tiny little bit of snow we got so far, I am
struggling to get enough cash for potatoes.
Luckily I love potatoes.
It seemed all was well for old Bill
For the night was romantic and still.
She was warm, she was waiting,
She was ripe for the mating
But alas--she was not on the pill.
A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city
where I live.
My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy
and would need to hire some people to help him unload his
van and trailer when he got there.
My brother asked if I had any ideas of where his co-worker
might find some day workers to help.
The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily
paper about a new program they had to get people down-and-
out on their luck some day jobs. I told that to my brother
and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring.
Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to
hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the
Salvation Army in my city. He had dialed the number I
provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night
and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me
move-in to my new apartment on Friday."
My daughter brought a new boyfriend around. I was a bit
worried as he was a nerdy type, glasses held to gether with
tape, pocket full of pens etc. He also appeared to be
wearing shoes designed to make him look taller. I had
to advise her: "Beware of geeks wearing lifts"
Dr. Jones completed his examination of the teenage girl and
took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your
daughter has syphilis."
"Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could
she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?"
After giving it a little thought, Dr. Jones responded,
"Considering that I got conceived in a phone booth, it's
possible," then he added "but it would probably have been
It was one of the happiest days of my life.
Arrived at the church, mother-in-law waiting at the altar,
Walked up the aisle, kissed her on the cheek,
And closed the fucking lid
A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's
couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be
actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed;
then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs
to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large,
beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says:
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
I know a few guys, who would stand in line to help the poor
Click to subscribe to the full version!
||If you like my work,|
Please donate a dollar,
or two, if you can afford it!
Please, help me stay online!