Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.

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Today is Wednesday, April 17

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Ophelia


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Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't matter. Those, who click me some grocery money, REALLY matter. ____________________________________________________ 1 After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home." ____________________________________________________ 2 Did you ever wonder what the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife are? The prostitute says "That'll be $100." The girlfriend says "Oh, baby! I love you, I love you, I love you!" The wife says "Beige. Yeah. Beige. I'll paint the ceiling beige." ____________________________________________________ 3 A man goes to his psychiatrist complaining about marriage problems. The shrink asks him, "Do you talk to your wife during sex?" "Sure," says the guy, "I've got a cell phone!" ____________________________________________________ 4 Me and a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work. One Friday, Chad showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it." At which point Bob put his hand on Chad's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some of us out completely!" ____________________________________________________ 5 That Jack was one randy ole bloke, Even made it with a cow as a joke. When he found the pleasure divine He purchased the friendly bovine, Now he's called the old cowpoke. ___________________________________________________ 6 Little Johnny was playing airplane with an orange crate. "Here I am, a real U.S. Navy pilot, flying at 30,000 feet," he said to himself and made accompanying flight noises. Little Mary got interested in what he was doing. "Can I fly with you, Johnny?" she asked. "Wait a minute," little Johnny said, as he cut back his engine sounds. "I'll bring her in like a real U.S. Navy pilot and then I'll take you up for a spin." Little Mary climbed on the back of the orange crate. "Fasten your seat belt," little Johnny commanded. "I'm a real U.S. Navy pilot, so prepare for take-off!" He ran through the check list and got airborne at last. But at 30,000 feet little Mary announced that she had to pee. "Don't scrub the mission just for that," little Johnny said amiably. "You've got to hang in there for a while yet!" After a while he noticed a yellow stream between his feet. He glanced around and saw little Mary's snatch exposed. "Gee that's cute," he said. "Can I touch it?" She nodded, and he did so very briefly. "Would you like to kiss it?" she asked. "I'm not a real U.S. Navy pilot," little Johnny said. ___________________________________________________ 7 One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" ___________________________________________________ 8 Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called "Pre-dick-a-mints ====================================================
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Ophelia Dingbatter
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