Ophelia Dingbatter's News|
NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, January 17
Those who matter don't judge me. Those who judge me don't
Those, who click me some grocery
A redneck had 3 daughters and one day, they all had a
date on the same night. He decided to make sure
that his daughters would be safe with the guys they were
dating, he stayed out on the porch with a shotgun just
to intimidate the guys into not trying anything.
The first guy came up and said "Hi, My name is Joe,
I take it slow, we're goin to a show, gotta go." The
redneck thought he was an ok guy, so he let them go.
About 5 minutes later, another guy came up and said,
"My name is Bill, I live on the hill, we're goin
to chill." The redneck thought he was cool, and let
About 5 minutes later, another guy came
up and said, "My name is Chuck--"
A little old, blue haired lady shakily walks into a porno
shop. She can barely get to the counter because she's so
wobbly. But she finally makes it.
She asks the clerk in a shaky voice, "Do you have di-ildos?"
The clerk replies, "Why, yes we do."
The little old lady then asks, "Do yo-u ha-ve one abo-ut 6 in-
ches long a-nd about 2 in-ches thick?"
The clerk politely replies. "Yes, ma'am."
"Does it ru-n on 2 C batter-ies?" She shakily asks.
He nods, "Yes."
"Do yo-u know ho-w to tu-rn the damn thi-ng o-ff?"
Little Johnny is sleeping in bed when his mother comes along
and says: "Rise and shine Little Johnny, time to wake up."
Little Johnny replies, "5 more minutes mum."
His mother decides to give him 5 more minutes, so she goes
down the stairs and starts cooking breakfast.
After five minutes Little Johnny comes down the stairs and is
crying uncontrollably. "What's wrong Little Johnny?" asks his
"I had a wet dream last night," Little Johnny replied.
His mother is surprised, but keeps her composure. "That's
nothing to cry over, is it Little Johnny?" she says.
"Of course it bloody well is," says Little Johnny. "If anyone
ever asks me what I said after my first orgasm, I'll have to
tell them '5 more minutes mum!'"
A couple go to the courthouse to get a marriage license and
the clerk asks the girl her name and she says Mayree. He says
you mean Mary don't you.
She says no, all my folks call me Mayree. The clerk says whats
his name and she says Arnie. He says you mean Ernie.
She says no we all call him Arnie.
The clerk told her that she sure was a big husky girl and big
enough to play with the Green Bay Packers.
She said I don't play with anybody's packer but Arnies.
Some for the ladies
Men are like..... Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the
Men are like..... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like..... Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they
just look silly.
Men are like..... Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too
Men are like..... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's
Men are like..... Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like..... Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate
Men are like..... High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like..... Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
History began some 12,000 years ago.
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gathers. They lived on deer in the mountains during
the summer and, would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get men to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days
tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were
This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q's doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as "girlymen".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and
the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the
meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw
fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French
food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury attorneys,journalists,
dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink
They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and
generally anyone who works productively outside government.
Conservative who own companies hire other conservatives who
want to work
for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like
to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tamed, and created a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the
center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They
begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have
After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to
Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?" and he replies
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if
I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just
held it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his
trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the
garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting
place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure
that he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who
was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does
Ethel have that I don't have?!?"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's!"
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of
the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her
habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a
look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the
car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father,
remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced
himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let
his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the
flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got
out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job or you might miss a
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