Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, June 20.

Thank you you for renewing, Billy!
Thank you for renewing, Shirley!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next  door
to the biggest anti-Semite in town.

 One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I
need a piece of orange yarn.  The length must be from the tip of your
nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."

 Abe says, "OK."

 The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of
running engines.  He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one
after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in  his
front yard.  Soon ,his yard is a 5-feet deep sea in orange yarn.  Abe
then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.

 The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe.  "What is this, Jew?  This
is not what I asked for!  I told you I needed a piece of yarn  from the
end of your nose to the tip of your penis.  Look at this  place!  What
do you have to say for yourself?"

 Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with  people
like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me.  I may be off
by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but...  the tip of my penis
was left in Poland after my circumcision!"



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A woman went to a counsellor to discuss divorcing her husband.
"Don't you love him anymore?" asked the counsellor.

"Oh, I still love him," she replied, "but all he ever wants 
is sex, I can't take it anymore."

"Instead of divorcing him, why don't you try charging him every
time he wants to make love?" the counsellor suggested.

The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put
the move on her.

"Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the
kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom."

"Well, then," he said. "Here's $50."

The wife began walking to the bedroom.

"Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. 
"That'll be five times in the kitchen!"


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The Bride smiled sweetly at the Maid of Honor when they 
both overheard the Groom say to the Best Man, 
"Look, I'm positive she's a virgin. In fact, if you care 
to bet, I'll give you 20 to 1 odds." 

When they were alone though, the Bride shouted, "How could 
you do such a stupid thing? We're only just married & 
already you're throwing money away."


Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon
dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house. The first businessman says,
"Hirokosan, I have unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring
you. I saw her the other night and she was out with another man."

Hirokosan can't believe what he hears, and asks for more information.
"It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is doing it with a foreigner who
appears to be of the Jewish faith."

Shocked, Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces
her and says, "I am told that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of
the Jewish faith". She replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such
mishugunah?!"


A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops. One man he 
passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days
compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate 
home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem. The Colonel is angry.
"Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home
leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, 
"Sir. It's you he's fond of."





Thanks to Walter for this picture:




Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Good Morning,  !

Today is Wednesday, June 19.

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Ophelia


 
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A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.  
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to 
allow women on the course during the week.  The ladies 
were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's 
club and became very active.

After about 6 months, the club board received a letter 
from the women's club complaining about the men urinating 
on the golf course. 
Naturally, they just ignored the matter.

After another 6 months, they received another letter 
reminding them of the previous letter and demanding 
action.

After due deliberation they sent the women a letter 
advising them that they had been granted equal privileges!



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Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. 
They were running late and as luck would have it their car 
broke down. They found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic 
told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But 
he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three 
of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart.
He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light 
directs. 

So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all 
and took off.

An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a 
couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.

"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"

"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up 
along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the 
window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'" 

When we got off to look, the beast took off when the 
light turned green."


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A little girl was playing up a tree near a church.
The priest was taking a walk when he happened
to look up the tree and saw the little girl.

She had no panties on, so he called her down and
gave her two dollars to buy a pair of panties.
The girl was so happy that she ran home and told
her mother about it.

The next day, when the priest was taking his daily
walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young
girl's mother up there.  She had no panties on, either.

He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy
a razor!


Nina and Rosie were always trying to get each other's goat 
and today they were meeting for lunch.
Nina noticed that Rosie was walking stiffly and asked what 
the problem was.

Rosie replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that my husband is so 
big I just can't take it."

Nina replied, "Yes, he sure is!"



Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.









Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Good Morning,  !

Today is Tuesday, June 18.

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Ophelia


 
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A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find
'something exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first
little boy the teacher called on, walked up to the front
of the class...... and with a piece of chalk, made a small
white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting'
about a period?"

"I really don't know," he said, "but yesterday my sister was
'missing' one.  Then my mommy fainted; daddy had a heart
attack, the preacher across the street drove off a cliff,
and Willie, next door, ran off and joined the Navy.



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A married couple is driving (55 mph) down the interstate. 
The wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've 
been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly accelerates to 60 mph.

She says, "I want the house."

The husband speeds up to 62 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, 
speeding to 65 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, 
and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge, 
as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies, just before the right corner 
of the car hits the wall, "I've got the airbag!"


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One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane 
when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always 
been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see 
him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to 
the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to 
speak to the Pope.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle 
out off his bag and began working on it.

"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really 
good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll 
ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, 
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring 
to a woman that ends in 'unt'?

The man was in shock. He could only think of one word 
that fit the description and he was not about to say it 
to the Pope.

The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. 
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're 
looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"



Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all 
by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch.

One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first 
glimpse of the world outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so 
he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said 
to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first 
two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both 
three wishes. You will each take turns using
them and you have to use them now.

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every 
bear in this forest to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."

This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a 
magical sound there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear 
in the neighboring forest to be female."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't 
just ask for a lot of money with which he could buy himself 
a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the 
bears in the world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, 
said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off.









Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, June 17.

Thank you for renewing Norm!
Thank you for renewing Frank!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed the man had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar
like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered,
"I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two
grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting a little impatient, said, "I am the Father of
hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants
backwards instead of your collar?"



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Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to 
expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.

At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of 
students gathered around a beautiful woman who, even in 
a gown, was obviously very well endowed, indeed

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to 
become familiar with variations in heartbeats, while 
the body comes back to normal from the operation and 
the anesthesia, by using a simple stethoscope.

The first student approached the patient a bit nervously
and proceeded to listen intently, moving the pick-up
piece around quite a bit.

The group was silent as he did so.  The woman hesitated, 
then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the 
doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the 
earpieces into his ears.

And everybody burst out laughing,


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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a
private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection.  
That was the beginning of the Secret Service .

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a 
large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI , CIA , NSA, 
INS , IRS , DEA , ATF , etc.

Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security 
Service .
Can't you see them now? These minimum wage Muslim immigrants
in their black outfits with initials in large white letters 
across their backs?
F. A. T. A. S. S.

Don't you feel safer already?


Here is an old Classic:
Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a Red Sox-Yankees baseball 
game a few years ago.  They were sitting in the first row, 
with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers 
something to Bill.  At first, Clinton stares at the guy, 
looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his 
head "no".

The agent then says, "Mr.  President, it was an unanimous 
request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to 
the bat boy."

Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the 
agent tells him the fans would love it!

Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay!
If that is what the people want.  C'mere Hilly baby..."

With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and 
the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right 
over the wall onto the field.

She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,

"Bill you "!^$#@&#@%^&!!!".

The crowd goes absolutely wild.  Fans are jumping up & down, 
cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving.  Bill is 
bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd.

He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that!

I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy 
that!"

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is 
wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out 
the first Pitch!"









Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, June 16.

Thank you for renewing Norm!
Thank you for renewing Frank!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while
crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his
wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
He returns home, and his wife says--"Nu, vos zogt der
doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)

"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor
says I have a flucky."]

"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a
flucky?"

"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."

Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high
anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit
by a car, and now he has a flucky!  I don't know
what to do!"


Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone
had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the
best thing for a flucky."

Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is
absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky!
We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do
for a flucky."

Cold, heat, oy!  Now thoroughly agitated, the wife
decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please
tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

"I told him...nothing's wrong. 
He - got - off - lucky."


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The average woman would rather have beauty than
brains, because the average man can see better
than he can think.


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A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard
how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the 
guard. "First you must take her into the water, then 
place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then 
take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. 
"I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, 
just push her into the deep end of the pool. 
She'll learn in a hurry."


"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware 
store clerk.
"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. 
"Can you come this way?" 

"If I could come that way," the woman says, 
"I wouldn't need the batteries."









Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning,  !

Today is Saturday, June 15.

Re all the kids with phones, 
that are smarter than them:


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Ophelia


 
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It was at a cocktail party and a guy was getting
nowhere with a really stunning blonde. Finally, he
consulted the host - a buddy - about the situation and
the latter thought a bit, then said, "Look let me mix
her up one of my special Zombies. It'll get her so
stiff that she'll go to bed with ya just like your
wife."

"Hell no." reacted the guy. "I don't want her THAT
stiff."



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A few women were sitting around the table talking, 
and the subject turned to their husbands.  One lady said, 
"My husband just won't go to church with me, I think 
he's going to go to Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or ano ther, all the husbands 
were going to end up in Hell.

So, then the women started speculating about themselves. 
One woman said, "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make 
it to Heaven."

Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make 
it unless I mend my ways, I better start soon."

At this point they noticed that one of the ladies 
(the only single women in the group, and a blonde, mind you) 
wasn't saying anything. They turned to her and said, 
"You're such a nice lady, surely you'll be going
to Heaven?"

She says, "No way!  In fact, first thing in the morning, 
I'm going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!"

They were shocked and asked, "Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, 
do you??!?"


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The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be 
expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast 
menu. Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in 
the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear,
"I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of 
the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in 
size for my own."

The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, 
"In that case, maybe you should be looking at the 
children's menu."


>From Ella
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a
new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same
name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too
old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended
the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1965."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, 
"What did you teach?"

He needed new teeth and a nose job after that.









Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Good Morning,  !

Today is Friday, June 14.
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!


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Ophelia


 
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>From Tina
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to   
my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an   
R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.   

"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's   
eyes. "He shouldn't see this."   

"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's   
the Food Network."   



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Little Johnny's class was having an English lesson, and
the teacher called on Johnny to recite a sentence with a
direct object.

Johnny stood and thought for a minute.  Then he said,
"Teacher, I think you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Johnny," the teacher said, blushing.
"But what is the direct object?"

Little Johnny said, "Getting laid."


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>From Bill
Across from my house is young Mabel
And if her curtains stay open. I'm able
To watch her caressing
Herself while undressing
As long as I stand on this table.


>From Frank
The week I started a new job, my husband was out of
town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would
be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out
to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with
my new number and this message: 
"For a good time, call 555-1234."

When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus
home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my
note?"

"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure
who wrote it."









Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Good Morning,  !

Today is Thursday, June 13.

Thank you, Sig!

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The moon shone silver on the waters of the
lake and the waves that were beating on the
shore were hardly equal in intensity to the
waves of passion nearby.  One ardent couple
paused long enough for the young man to
whisper, "Darling am I the first man to
make love to you?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more
than irritable. "Of course you are!" she
said. "and also the best too. I don't know
why you men always ask the same old
ridiculous questions."



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The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate 
Computer Company's production line, at which point the 
guided tour eventually arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give 
an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smartass stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going 
to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a 
couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece 
of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead!  
It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that 
he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the 
Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of 
the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, 
"Where is my mother's husband?"

Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled 
the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life.  
The paper said: "Dead. But your father is still fishing 
off Florida."


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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Here is a cute old Classic:
What religion is your bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly
walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, I'd like
to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of  bra?" asked the
clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as  she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras to choose from."  Relieved, the man
asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation
Army, the Presbyterian, and the  Baptist types. Which one 
would you prefer?" 
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The
Catholic type supports the masses. The  Salvation Army type
lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them  staunch
and upright, and the  Baptist makes mountains out of mole
hills."


Thanks to Lillemor for this one:
A bunch of seven year old children were asked what they 
thought of beer.

Tim- 'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer 
he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what 
we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'

Grady - 'My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her 
top off at parties.'

Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and 
the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, 
which is a good thing.'

Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets 
his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'

Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he 
dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, 
he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

Mary - 'I think beer tastes bitter and I don't like it. 
Mom likes it, but she gets tired and leans on guys and 
they have to help her to the bedroom for a quick nap. When 
they come back, she is all perky and happy, and the guys 
are all tired out.'

Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

Brittany - 'I don't like beer, but mom says it helps you get 
the guys you want, so I'll have to learn to like it.'

Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and 
picks on my dad. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at 
Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, 
but that doesn't make any sense.'

Fergie - 'My mom never drinks beer when dad is home, but he 
sometimes does. Then she yells at him when it makes him want 
to smooch. Mom only drinks beer when dad is away. When it makes 
her want to smooch, she will do it with everybody, even the 
Pizza guy, and he is weird.'

Alice - 'My sister told me you have to drink your own weight 
in beer before you start to like it. She has some ways to go 
yet, I think. The guys usually ignore her until they have had 
a whole lot of beer, then they get nice and play with her.'

Brad - 'Beer tastes disgusting. My brother told me it makes 
you think the girls are pretty. With his girlfriend I would 
need an awful lot of beer.' 









Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Good Morning,  !

Today is Monday, June 10.

Thank you, Sig!

DearWebby told me to take a few days off.
He has to go get poked into the eyes again.
That means no Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday newsletters.
I will be back on Friday.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one
stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple
should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by
streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take
on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at his home and entered the bedroom,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). The bed wasn't even short-sheeted. 
Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come 
away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, Bill opened the window wide and since they both
were ravenous, so Bill called the 24 hour breakfast place
and ordered a nice breakfast for two delivered.
While doing that he became aware of a strange echo from 
outside, until he realized that the sound from the bedroom
was echoed from some speakers in the neighbor's garden,
and all their friends were pulling an all-nighter there,
emptying wine bottles and filling up VCR tapes.

Then he spotted the tiny X-10 wireless camera above the 
curtain valance.



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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor
in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was
just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A man's four year old son came home from Sunday School one 
day. When he asked him what he'd learned that day, the boy 
was quiet for a minute and then said "Dad, have any of the 
men in our family had their penises criticised?" 

The wife cracked up and told him the term was
"circumcised," but the answer was still yes.


Little Susie ask her mother, "Can I go over to big sister's 
house and watch the magic show?"

Mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear?
"
Susie said, "The one she performs. I heard her tell her 
room-mate she did six tricks last night."










Enjoy!
Ophelia





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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning,  !

Today is Sunday, June 9.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Thanks to Sandie for this story:
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when
Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready
for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a Little
different. The last few years, I took your advice about
where to go. Three years ago you said to Go to Hawaii.

I went to Hawaii and Earlene got Pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,
and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested
Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with Me."



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A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to 
marry me again."

The friend said, "How flattering."

The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the 
money I married him for."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "new
age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go
away."

The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is
what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror,
point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra:

"I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache".

Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the
same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the
elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I
really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache
is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.

"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's
been having problems in a certain department... how can I put
it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."

"Send him over."

A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her
husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to
wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he
throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to
her. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.

A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and
starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another
hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom
again. At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She
tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees
her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at
his temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife....."


There was an old maid of Peru
Who swore that she never would screw
Except under stress
Of forceful duress
Like, "I'm ready, dear, how about you?"






Mail Order Hubby



Enjoy!
Ophelia





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