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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, September 6, 2010

This cat sure did not want to be left behind!
A cat belonging to a Ann Green, who moved from Edmonton, Alberta
to Surrey, British Columbia, could not find the 14 year old 
ginger tom on moving day. The family searched their old 
neighborhood for days and the movers checked the contents of 
their truck, but there was no sign of the orange cat. 

Green said she decided to search the truck herself when 
it arrived in Surrey eight days after it was packed. 

"Al, the driver, got out of the truck and asked if we'd 
found him. I said no and asked if I could walk into the van 
and look for him," she said. "I didn't think it would do any 
good but I called his name and then I heard this little meow. 
I shouted 'He's here' and they all came running and we 
found him in the box spring, which had been completely 
wrapped in plastic." 

Green said Augustus has since taken to the box spring 
as his favorite hiding spot. 

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An employment interviewer for a big company in New
York was talking to an attractive young woman applying
for a job. Looking over the application form, the
interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one
important question concerning transportation to and
from work. "What about your bus line?" the
interviewer asked her.

"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased
reply, "but it's a 38D."



The Blondes at the Calgary university were tired of not fitting
in. They were tired of other students assuming they were
just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt
they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new
Department especially for them. The university agreed,
and set up the Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their 
own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They 
felt they really belonged now.

They wanted other students to see that they weren't just
stupid bimbos-- after all, they now had their own
department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of
the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying:
"I Belong in B.E.D."


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the
dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. 

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down 
to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? 
I've got a splitting headache." 

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. 
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, 

"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 
8th District?" 

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's 
uniform?"

 

 
 
Click through the picture for the large version.


 Farmville Guide
If you play Farmville, you might as well win and get ahead!
WAY ahead! 
Stop guessing and get the Real Farmville Guide!



A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting
there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.
"Get a load of her" says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to
her, and within five minutes they're out the door and gone
into the night.

Next day, the lion is in the bar drinking away, and the
mouse staggers in. And I do mean "staggers". The mouse is
absolutely stuffed, worn out, ruined.

The lion helps his pal up on to a stool, pours a drink down
his throat and says "What the hell happened to you? I saw
you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was
she all right?"

The mouse says "Yeah, she was really something else - we
went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and
she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And
oh, man! I've never had a night like it!"

"But how come you look like you're so exhausted?" asks the
lion.

"Well" says the mouse "between the kissing and the screwing,
I must have run a thousand miles!"


A horny young man went to a brothel. The lady at the counter
asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know
what was available.

Lady - "On the first floor, we have the ex-models, they are
all slinky and sexy. On the second floor, we have our
ex-actresses, they are all buxom and beautiful. On the third
floor, we have our ex- teachers, they..."

Man - "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor !"

Lady- "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer
ex-teachers to ex-models and ex- actresses..."

Man- "It's obvious, ma'am... teachers always make you do
something over and over again... until you're perfect
at it !!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, September 6, 2010
What does Labor Day mean to you, aside from
higher gas prices, short staffed stores, lowest quality steaks
and hamburger at every store for those who didn't buy early
and are desperate enough to buy anything, 
and wide open freeways from Saturday noon to Monday noon.
Aside from all that, what does it mean to you?

At one job I worked, we had the Union guys make speeches,
all about how the country rests on the shoulders of the 
exploited wage slaves, and how the company was the enemy.
A month later the enemy stopped exploiting us and shut down.
That was an eye opener! Since then I prefer non-union jobs.

So, tell me, what does Labor Day mean to you?

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , 
doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 
'Who drives you to the beach?'



Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned 
gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one 
of the aliens addressed it. 
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your
leader." 

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what 
he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his 
ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. 
We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! 
Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!" 

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to 
make him mad!", and ran like hell. 

But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. 
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 
feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they 
finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to 
the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It
damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" 

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned 
during my travels through the galaxy ... any guy who can 
stick his penis in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't 
mess with."


Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her 
fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. 
She, finally, wore him down, he consented, and early 
one morning they took off to the lake. They had not been 
there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast 
as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled them in. 

After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Verna Lou, sweet thang, 
I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with 
me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all 
these fish, we'll go home." 

On the way home, Bubba turned to Verna Lou and said, 
"Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot were all the fish are 
so next time I'll know?" 

"Bubba, darlin', I put a big 'X' on the side of the boat right down 
closest to the water."

"Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seed you do. 
Don't you know that won't work? 
We may not get the same boat the next time!"

 

 
 
Click through the picture for the large version.


 Farmville Guide
If you play Farmville, you might as well win and get ahead!
WAY ahead! 
Stop guessing and get the Real Farmville Guide!



A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, 
a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down 
on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the 
woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' smiled the woman. 'So you're single...?!'


Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised!
But when Old McDonald had a farm,
The doctor nearly died.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, September 5, 2010

Sorry about yesterday's problem with the colors. I think I got them
straightened out now. 

Now the Gullible Warming hucksters have some new twist to
try to salvage their wacky theories. Natural gas from the ocean
floors. They had to admit that cow farts and muscle cars 
could not really make any difference, but the are too dumb
to see that CO2 and methane in the atmosphere is an indicator,
not a cause. A thermometer does not cause a fever, Bubba!

As anybody, who occasionally flies some place, knows, the
bright cloud cover reflects the sun back into space, and shades
the land below. That causes cooling. Now, with the El Nino
fired up by some deep Pacific volcanoes, we got more cloud
cover and a cooling period. Gullible Warming will go out of
fashion and Ice Age Panic will be politically correct.

So what? In a few years those volcanoes will subside, and 
El Nino will make room for La Nina, the cold current. 
Cold Pacific means less cloud cover and warming of the land. 
Then Gullible Warming will become fashionable again.

Judging by the bar graph on the side of the the canyon in
Dinosaur Park, that has been going on for a long time.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife
recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help
her get it back?"

The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the
morning!"



There were two guys in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to
the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too
good. Every time me and the wife have sex, she loses interest half way
through. It's very frustrating." 

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have 
the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under 
the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the 
starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, 
and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." 

The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. 
The first guy says, How did you get on with the starter pistol?" 

The other guy says, "Buddy, don't talk to me about starter pistols! 
Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual, she 
lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, 
just like you said." 

The first guy says, "So what happened?" 

The other guy says, "She bit me, shit in my face,
and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"


When I consider how sweaters tend to make me
sweat, I'm a lot less inclined to wear my windbreaker.

 

 
 
Click through the picture for the large version.


 Farmville Guide
If you play Farmville, you might as well win and get ahead!
WAY ahead! 
Stop guessing and get the Real Farmville Guide!



A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A
huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted,
he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral -- I'm a
gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.


There was this small church down in Texas that had a very 
large-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they 
bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. 
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.  They  decided 
something had to be done about this or they would simply 
have to get another organist.

One of the ladies  discreetly approached the organist and 
told her she should mash up some green persimmons and rub 
them on the nipples of her breasts which might make them 
shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the persimmons 
'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up 
and you won't be able to speak properly for a while'.

The organist agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, 
We will not hath a thermon tewday.'



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, September 4, 2010
What started out as a mistake, forgetting to turn off the navy color 
after the  Farmville Guide and quite liking seeing the part below that
navy, looks actually quite good. The majority of those who wrote, 
yes, both of you, also preferred dark blue. You guys got good
taste!

Also went and changed the colors in the blog. I may have gotten
a bit carried away there, but sure had fun! With the type of blog,
that Dear Webby installed for me, it is almost too easy to change
stuff. Maybe that is why they made it such a rigmarole with 
Wordpress blogs, to stop people from coming up with too garish 
color combinations. Well, that is not going to slow ME down any!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would appreciate
that even more!


Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, 
while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the US.
--- J. Bartlett Brebner


One day there was a big lady swimming in the surf and
just as she got close to the beach a big breaker tumbled
her. When she stood up to wade ashore, she noticed that
she had lost her top. She thought that no one would
notice if she covered herself with her arms and ran over
to her towel.

So she went, and nobody seemed to notice her as she
approached her towel. Just then a little boy came
running up to her and said, "Hey, lady!"
"What?" asked the startled lady.
"If you're going to drown those puppies, can I have the
one one with the cute little brown nose?"


Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the
teacher singled him out.
"If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave
$50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would
you have?"
"Well, it sure would be no orgy!" Johnny  answered,
"Helen, my girlfriend, would bust my skull for that!"

 

 
 
Click through the picture for the large version.



 Farmville Guide
If you play Farmville, you might as well win and get ahead!
WAY ahead! 
Stop guessing and get the Real Farmville Guide!


Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he'd become
comfortable, the front doorbell rang. The man got out of the
tub, put on terry cloth slippers and a large towel, wrapped
his head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A
salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any
brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels,
and the man started for the door again. He took one step,
slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit his back against the
hard porcelain of the tub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street
clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the
doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "You know,
you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax.
Why don't you go home and take a long hot ba..."

POW


Q. How do we know men invented maps?
A. Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Q: What's a Redneck's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the truck door.

Q: How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while 
she was pregnant?
A: The kid stutters.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, September 3, 2010
Once it warmed up today, we had a gorgeous day. 

We had a big discussion today at my neioghbor's BBQ about
Laptops and Netbooks. I had told anybody and everybody, who
would stand still long enough, that they should NOT buy those
small and slightly cheaper netbooks for their kids.

Well, guess what they did? They had all decided to not listen 
to a Blonde, and four neihgbors had bought Netbooks for
their kids. 

And guess what happened? Four neighbors are squinting and
cussing at little netbooks and getting cramps in their hands,
while their kids are using Mom's or Dad's big laptop for
school stuff. And probably games. After all, they got to beat 
dad at Farmville and Mom at Mafia. But the official excuse
of course is "school stuff".

Now I got a question for YOU!
Which font color do you like better?
Brown like in the top half, or navy like in the bottom half?

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would appreciate
that even more!


Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

"What would men be without women? 
Scarce, sir, mighty scarce."
--- Mark Twain



Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Arthur.
They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm
house and asked the attractive lady of the house if
they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid
the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep
in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's
attorney, by double registered mail.

He then went up to visit his friend Arthur and said,
"Arthur, do you remember that good-looking widow at
the farm we stayed at 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her
your name, and give her my business card, instead of yours?"

Arthur's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm
afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

 

 
 


 Farmville Guide
If you play Farmville, you might as well win and get ahead!
WAY ahead! 
Stop guessing and get the Real Farmville Guide!
   

I used to work at the local cable company. Back then we 
had to order Pay Per View movies manually for our customers. 
One day, a man called in to order the adult programming
(of course this was my very first adult pay-per-view). 

It was obvious that he was embarrassed and wanted to get
off of the phone as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, 
my computer would not process the order for about 5 minutes. 
Finally, after being very flustered and anxious to be done 
myself, the order went through. I just needed to confirm 
the order. 

Relieved and without thinking, I said, "Thank you sir, 
just let me know when you get it up." 

He didn't miss a beat and replied, "How much time do you 
have? 



Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned 
about declining health?"

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't 
afford cigarettes!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, September 2, 2010


Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would appreciate
that even more!


Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


A lawyer dies on his 40th birthday and finds himself
greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter.
"We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 760
years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I  was shot on
my 40th birthday!."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter.
"We've added up the time you billed."


Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language as he
played golf with his preacher.  But on the twelfth hole, when he twice
failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a
string of expletives. The preacher felt obliged to respond.  "I have
observed," said he in a calm voice, "that the best golfers do not use
foul language." "I guess not," said Dave, "They don't get stuck
in a sand trap!"

 

 Ken sent this.
 

Click on the picture for the large version
Spider Rock, Chelly Canyon - Arizona, USA


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 

Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   

Doug stumbled into the bar and after several drinks confided to his
friend Bill, "The next time I give her the ultimatum 'Screw or Walk' I
must remember to be in MY car, and not in hers."


Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. 
Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?" 

Kurt answered "I hunt unicorns."

Paul was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" 

Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. 
The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. 
When it does, it sets off a snare."

Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, 
but I've never seen one."

Kurt said, "Yes, 
and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Combat in Iraq, which actually ended after the surge in 2007,
is now officially over. Good!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would appreciate
that even more!


Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend.
"After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I
refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?"

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said.

"You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend.

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS
mother worry."



A man called into a local radio station and told the 'morning guys' that
his wife had given him an ultimatum:  Until he quit smoking, he wasn't
going to get any sex from her.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to  hold out?"

His reply: "Probably until my girlfriend dies."

 

 Ken sent this.
 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.

Go get It!
   

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did
for a living.  One little girl said her father was a doctor, another
said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a
hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.
Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in
class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me 
an apple and asked for my phone number."


A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her
breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She
replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have
the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50
year old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never
came up."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 30, 2010
Sure is getting cold at night!
I don't remember frost in August since the 70's. 
So, who has the guts to bet on this winter's weather?
I am betting that it will be cold early, warm up for Christmas,
and get cold again at or shortly after New Years.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and
returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.

He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."

She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"

He replied, with a big grin, "Great!"



Astrological After Sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "Are you hungry too? I'll get some pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

Last time Bill was in the hospital, he really enjoyed
himself: Patting the bottoms of the pretty nurses,
offering to show them his circumcision scar, and the
like. One nurse finally had all she could stand of his
crude behavior and said, "A pervert like you should
be living in a whore house!"

Bill grinned at her and said, "Well, it WOULD be a lot
cheaper than here, but I can't get my insurance to
pay for it."


After much soul searching and having determined the husband
was infertile, the childless couple decided to try
artificial insemination. When the woman showed up at the
clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on
the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure
when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by
the sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute!
What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
herself into a sitting position.

"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well,
yes, I do," answered the woman.

"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're
all out of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle
for what's on tap."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 30, 2010

The cops sure are filling their quotas in the school zones!
So, watch out! 
Also keep an eye out for new Playground zone signs,
extending beyond the school zones. The same rules apply
for those as for school zones.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A classic
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye.
It loudly announced, "Porsche! Near New! $500"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a
Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke,
but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the
Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough,
there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the
man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her,
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only
$500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just
ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can
have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche
and send me the money'."


If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today,
He would be wanted by...

the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

the EPA for killing fig trees,

the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves,
for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people
in the wilderness,

the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and
for flying without an airplane,

the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea,

the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on
how to live a guilt-free life,

and by the ZONING DEPT for building mansions
without a permit.
-----------
He wouldn't be nailed to a cross, but lawyers and the media
sure would make a mint!

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version

din-din ?


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.

Go get It!
   

Three nuns were standing on a corner one evening
collecting for the cause. Across the street there
happened to be the local whore house. They happened to
notice that Pastor Jones of the Protestant community
sneaking into the place and one of the nuns whispered
to the others, "If only his flock knew he was going
into a wicked place to commit sin...they would be
outraged!"

A bit later, Rabbi Rabinowitz was seen sneaking in and
the nun said to her sisters, "If only the Jewish
community knew their Rabbi was in there committing sin
with wicked women, they would be outraged!"

A little while later, Father Flannigan was observed by
them sneaking into the same whore house. "Oh dear,"
exclaimed the nun, "someone must be very sick in there
for them to call the dear Father out at this late
hour."


The American tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard
outside Edinburgh Castle. After a few minutes she went up to the sentry
and asked 'I've always wanted to find out what's worn under the kilt'.

The sentry replied: 'There is nothing worn, Ma'am, its all in perfect
working order'.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 29, 2010
Made a good haul from the farmers market,
and spent the rest of the day out on the porch cleaning, cutting
and bagging the veggies. I would not want to do that all day every
day, but it sure feels good to see a full freezer!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is
exhausted all the time.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to add a couple of days, since it
invigorates and boosts circulation.

"I can't," says the woman.  "Those other nights I'm home 
with my husband and have a headache."



A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mummy, Mummy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts. "Well,
son, "she says, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and
float you up to heaven," Incredibly, he appears to believe this
explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his
mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mummy, mummy, Aunt
Eliza is dying!" "What do you mean?" says his mother. "Well she's out in
the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Dad's
trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming!   God, I'm coming!"

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

A Chinese couple is in bed. The wife says:"I wann 69.!

Hhusband replied: "Why you wann Beef and Bloccoli now?"


Do you know someone who seems to know everything? 
When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." 

Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known 
fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never
seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures 
are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network, 
and they can generally find out anything from anywhere 
quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain 
individuals and communicate with them by making 
clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not 
dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort 
of clucking language with the lucky person they
befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; 
one step ahead of the competition. 

And those people, who seem to be in the dark? 
Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard 
response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, 
that the reason is simply because they don't have 
a clucking FUE.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, August 28, 2010
Got the freezer ready, and the pantry, cleaned the truck, and I
am going to hit the farmers markets with my coin jug today.
Well, actually, I am going to exchange the coins for paper 
money at the grocery store first. They got a machine for
dumping the coins in and getting paper money out.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in
the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't
been home for so long.

She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me to have wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."



Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in
front of the doctor. The note reads, "I can't talk. Please help me!"

The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, "Put your penis on the
table here."

Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so he does
as the doctor says.

The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris's penis as hard as he
can.

The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The doctor says, "Good. Come again tomorrow, and we'll
learn B!!"

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in
love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day
approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering.
Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man
and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.

The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home,
she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things
she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs
called?"

"Ma'am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis
called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of
the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor,
what are those two big round things about 12"-14" behind the head 
of the penis?"

He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, 
but on me, they're called the cheeks of my butt."


Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the
side walk cleaning his dick with his tongue. 
One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do that."

The other man replies, "You probably can, but you probably
should pet him a bit first."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 27, 2010
Cleaned out my freezer today to make room for what I hope to
get at the Farmer's Market tonight or tomorrow.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day, when they were
standing in line together, that all she had ever wanted in life was four
animals. My friend, who has a large dog, and a big heart for strays
said, "Oh really, what kind of animals do you want?" 

The little old lady replied, "A mink on my back, 
a Jaguar in my garage, 
a tiger in my bed,
and a jackass to pay for all of it!"



A man went to church one day and afterward,
he stopped to shake the  priest's hand. He said,
"Father, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned fine!"

The priest said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather
you didn't use that kind  of language in the
Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed
with that sermon I put five  thousand dollars
in the offering plate!"

The priest said, "Hot Damn! No shit?"

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just
can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system
that they have down at the station.


"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at
the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When
Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes
off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When
Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He
excitedly tells his wife. 

Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing 
for our sex life! 
When Bell #1 goes off, we are going to strip naked. 
When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. 
When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. 
Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!"
(they strip naked) 
Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) 
"Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) 

A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming 
"Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".

The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"

The wife screams "More hose! More hose! 
Your not reaching the fire!!!"

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the
halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a
car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room
and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I
see your driver's license?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy
wrapper and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her
way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says, 'Excuse
me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back
there. Can I see your registration please?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store
receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her
on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all
over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.

He's stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Replaced the sparker on my Barbecue today, after I heard what
happened to a guy down the road. He wasn't happy with slicing
a fire cracker or cherry bomb, sticking the fuse out through
the lighting hole, and lighting that, like most of us here in this
trailer court do.

He got hold of an old taser and wired that to his BBQ sparker.
Judging by the screaming and cussing, he won't ever try THAT
again. 

A new sparker button kit only cost me $4.95, so I sold the
rest of the box of firecrackers to the Sheriff's wife for $25.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A pretty lady was visiting the new doctor in town for
the first time. She found herself alone in a small waiting
room. She began undressing, preparing herself for the
upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of
her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap
sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude
patient up and down carefully and with considerable
appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite
obvious to me that you are used to the complete eye
examination, not just the short one I had scheduled
you for. I better cancel all other appointments for
the rest of the afternoon."



A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly
irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from
the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun
of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the
gall to run his hand across the older man's pate
while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's
butt."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also
felt his gleaming head.
"You're right," he said, "it does! She sure does have
a smooth one."

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

The college professor was trying to demonstrate a project on his
computer to four coeds helping him edit a newsletter. He was having
problems with the computer, so the ladies went over to the lounge until
he could get the program pulled up. The Dean was a little shocked when
he walked in the door and heard one of the coeds shouting down the
hallway, "Hurry up and get in here, girls, the professor finally got
it up!"


Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an
otherwise serious situation,
like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Terrible weather, somewhere else, far away. But because I have 
been behaving, we had gorgeous summer weather. I guess
somebody up above wanted to see me sun tanning. So I did!
The entire lunch hour and some more in the evening.

Hopefuly YOUR weather is just as nice!
Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Doc: "George, you're a 71-year-old man and may have lost interest
in sex. There is nothing that I as your doctor can do to help you."

George:
"You are absolutely right, Doc, 
but your nurse sure could!"



Three Englishmen had a very late night drinking Guiness. 
They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. 
They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes 
about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I
drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as
I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk?
I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped
my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have
insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I
got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle
over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy
exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they
came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt
the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a
cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go
there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself
and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not
getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a
flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each
other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have
to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to
no good last night, my wife came home without her
panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with
a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget
you, Team 1 at the FireHall".


I hate sex in movies.
Tried it once, the seat folded up, 
the drink spilled and that ice, well,
it really chilled the mood.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Summer is back! I might get a tan yet!


Enjoy!
Ophelia


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The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should
always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient
girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new
husband were preparing to retire when the husband asked,
"Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why? "Well, we've been
married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that
silly hat to bed."



Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too,
but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around.  Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head
out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our
Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door.  The madame opens the door.
"Yes?"  she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside.  She gives him three donuts and then
bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic.  (Dad obviously had
come and gone at Mabel's.)  "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched.  "Uhh, you did?  Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked
the third one!

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound:  A Pit Bull,  a German
Shepherd and a Great Dane.  The Pit Bull told the others,  "I was eating
my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food,  so I
bit her. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said  "I chewed up my master's shoes 
yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said  "My owner is a beautiful sixty seven year old
woman.  The other day she came out of the shower and bent 
over in front of me,  so I jumped on her back and had my
way with her."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?"  asked the others.

"No....,  I'm here to have my nails clipped!"


During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this
fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat
his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber
leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come
across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've
got one hell of a mustache!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 23, 2010
Smoke is all gone. It didn't just drift away. A mighty hail storm
followed by a downpour cleaned up in a hurry. The hail, of course
plugged up the storm sewers and the underpasses were swimming
holes within minutes. Much fun was had by all, especially the tow
truck drivers.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

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that even more!


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There's a woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans
over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my
privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not
to hurt each other, aren't we."



Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when
the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George,
"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked George.

"Well," replied Charlie, "I can barely remember the last
time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is
healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before
bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered. "Now
that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

 


Trumpeter


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


What a Woman Says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
And if we don't do laundry right now
You'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.


Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy.
"She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to
pay attention to me," he said. "She never says
anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive."

"Well," his father responded, "the best way to get
her attention is to go up to her and pay her a
compliment. Try saying something nice about
her clothing, and she will remember you fondly.
Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to
start a conversation with a pretty girl."

The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the
playground.  "Hey Suzy," he said, "That is
sure a pretty sweater you are wearing.
Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?"

Without blinking an eye she replied, "The
same place you got your pants with the
gear shift."



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try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 22, 2010

The smoke is getting a bit tiresome after more than a week. 
It is so thick that often you can't tell where the sun is, and it 
sure shortens the daylight hours! 

The forest fire smoke doesn't stop the planes from coming in,
but often they have to wait 2-3 hours before it is clear enough,
so that they can see far enough down the runway to be able
to chance a take-off. I had thought that if they can land by 
instruments, they could take off that way too, but apparently not.

Oh, well. The smoke deposits ash onto the fields. That's
metals and minerals, that the plants need to build nutrients.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his 
friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" 
Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and 
tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring 
some excitement and will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that seven times
...it never worked."



The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. 
The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the 
woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with 
built-up heels to help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had improved in
their love life with the shoes.

"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get
the sheets too dirty."

 


Italian Baby Bottle


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


A father came home from a long business trip to find his son
riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the
money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were
gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom.
Every day he gave me a $20 bill and told me to go for a hike!"


One summer, the company that Andrew worked for
transferred him to another city. Andrew was
told that he had to take a new physical with
the company doctor to continue to be employed.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor
remarked that Andrew had the smallest penis
he'd ever seen.

"Do you have any difficulties with it being
so small?" the doctor asked.

"Not at all" Andrew said. "I've got a wife,
three kids, and we have a great sex life.
But I must admit I do sometimes have a
problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doctor asked.

"Nights are no problem," Andrew said,
"because at night, there are two of us
looking for it!"



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try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

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by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
of love- making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated
the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The
boy was silent through-out the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged
with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive
person on his weapon.



There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for
I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be
forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take three
lemons and three limes, squeeze them into a glass and then 
drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

 

 

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Pastafarians in Warsaw


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother,
who was in her 50's to the  gynecologist.
After dropping her mother off, she and her
daughter ran a few errands, then returned
to the doctor.

While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups,
the doctor remarked,  "Don't we look pretty today",
as he performed his examination.

The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.

When her daughter picked her up, she was very upset.
The following  conversation ensued:

Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me?
He said, "Don't we  look pretty today", while he was
looking between my legs!  Do you think  that was
appropriate?

Daughter: No!  Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or
something?

Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional.
I wonder  if it could be considered sexual harassment.
What do you think?

Daughter: I don't know.  We're you embarrassed?

Mother: I was very  embarrassed.  I used some of your
FDS this morning, and he may have  smelled that, but
I still don't think he should have commented!

Daughter: I don't have any FDS.

Mother: Why, sure you do!  In the blue can that was
on back of the toilet.  I used some before the appointment...

Granddaughter: Grandma!  That's my Barbie Golden
Glitter Hair Spray!


Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his
father moved fom horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horses' legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"

"Why?" his father asked.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, 
and I think he wants to buy Mom!"



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and
moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the
groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his
sleep by his wife.

"Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the
bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said, "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!"

So Tony climbed on top of his wife and did his best.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and tried again.

As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the
bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he
shouted, "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old
man down here!"



From Sandie
Two rednecks  were looking at a 
Sears catalog and admiring the  models.
One says  to the other, 
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this  catalog?'
 
The second  one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful 
And look at the  price!'
The first one says, with w
ide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very  expensive. At this price, 
I'm buying one.' 

The second one  smiles and pats him on the back. 
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as  beautiful as she 
is in the catalog, I will get one  too.' 

Three weeks  later, the youngesr redneck asks his friend, 
'Did you ever receive  the girl you ordered from the Sears 
catalog?' 

The second  redneck replies,
"No, but it  shouldn't  be long  now.
Her clothes arrived yesterday!  "

 

 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


As an attendant at an exclusive golf club, my work includes welcoming
guests to the course and loading bags in and out of vehicles.  I'm the
only female on the staff, and I work with eight teenage boys.
  One day a golfer drove up in a yellow Lamborghini.  Three of the teens
rushed to help him.  Later, they gushed about their conversation with
the man, who told them he owned three of the Italian sports cars.
  "Really?" I replied. "What line of work is he in?"
  "We didn't talk about that," said one of the boys. "We only asked if
he has a daughter."


Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show
event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the
time was a white English sheepdog.  It was simply a mound of fur with
four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look
at the animal's eyes. 

The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has
to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color,
etc., etc. Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has
to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes.  'Cuz if you start combing
through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong
end of the dog."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, August 19, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

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by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his 
slovenly wife.
"She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, 
everything's dirty, including her. I'm so fed up I sleep on my 
own and I wish she was dead."

The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It isn't 
an offense, after all.

So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and 
kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning 
came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came 
home that night the house was spotless, 
a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy
see-through nightie on.

"You see, darling," she purred. 
"Treat me right and I'll treat you right."


The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction 
he felt for his model finally became irresistible.

He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and 
kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you 
kiss them," she said. 

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

Really," she said, softening. "How many models have 
there been?"

"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version

That's good enough for wall paper!


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   

One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down
to the dealer.  After he picks out the perfect bike, the
dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the
chrome on his new bike free from rust.  The dealer tells him
that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and
put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be
fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in
love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over
dinner.  He readily accepts and the date is set.

At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and
they ride to her parents house.  Before they go in, she
tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever
speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

Inside, there are dirty dishes piled to the rafters. Obviously
that game had been played for a very long time.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting
for the first person to break the silence and get stuck
doing the dishes.

After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed
things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front
of  her family.

No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles
her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in
front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and
throws HER on the table.  They have even wilder sex.  Still
no one speaks.

By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder
in the distance.

His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so
he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his
jar of  Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"



A sweet little girl was leading her dog through the park
when an old man stopped her, saying, "That's sure a
pretty dress you're wearing."

The little girl smiled, "Thank you, Sir. My mama
bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."

The old man chuckled, "I'll bet a nickel I can guess
why you called him that."

She shook her head, "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed, "You call him Porky because he's so fat."

She shook her head. "No Sir, we call him porky, 
because he fucks pigs."



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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

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I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. 
I called and asked, "Can you give me directions from 
the train station to your office?" 

"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down 
on the sidewalk and start screaming. 
Someone from our office will be along shortly."


There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in
trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he
finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor
gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the
diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are
deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his
composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment
available, but there are no guarantees. It involves
transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk
into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought
of going through life without being able to have sex is just
too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a
nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While
sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs;
it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of
being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to
relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over
the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his
pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive!
Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I
don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version
SIT!


The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical
errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the
ground!  The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the
engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going
splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate
and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally
the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up
to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.  As the
official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual
it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were once tall 
Slobovians with all the shit scared out of them!"


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   Why buy the expensive stuff, that might not even work?
   Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
   That info is the most valuable part in this expensive looking Lawn
   Care book. Get it now, while you can!


It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was
trying to get to know her students.

"What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie.

"Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.

"That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? 
What did you do this summer?"

"Me and my family rode our bikes together."

"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her
pupils until she got to Little Johnny in the corner of the room.

"What did you do this summer, Little Johnny?"

"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.

"Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, to try to
draw Little Johnny out.

"Yes."

"Did you go to the beach?"

"No."

"Did you ride bikes?"

"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes
together!"

"Why not?" said the shocked teacher?

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "but dad always says, 
when mom and sis start 'cycling together', 
it's time to get the hell out of town."


Classifieds:

- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

- The hotel has howling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.



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try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

According to John,  Viagra has some side effects that
cause headaches. He said every time he takes some,
Amy, his wife instantly gets a head ache.


Wanting to find out if both his wife
and his mistress were being faithful
to him, Gary decided to send them
on the same cruise and question each
one later about the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her
about people on the trip, casually inquiring
about the passenger who was his mistress
when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that
woman slept with nearly every man on
the ship!" his wife reported.

Unhappy with this information, Gary
planned a rendezvous with his cheating
mistress and decided to question her
about the trip before confronting her
with what he knew.

Once again, he carefully inquired about the
woman who was his wife after ascertaining
that they had met. "She was a real lady,"
his mistress said.

Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say
that?" he asked.

"She came on board with her husband and
never left his side."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I
think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both
idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

The one man turns to his friend and says, "Somehow I doubt
she has ever heard a rhino fart underwater!"


   Powerful Home Made Insecticides Formula
   Why buy the expensive stuff, that might not even work?
   Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
   That info is the most valuable part in this expensive looking Lawn
   Care book. Get it now, while you can!


"Two elderly Irish drinking buddies are sitting at the pub pondering on
the future. One says to the other: You know Mr. O'Shea, we've had great
sport together for many years. It just came to mind that should it be I who
should happen to go first, it would mean a great deal to me if you would say a
few kind words at me grave.  

The other friend responds: That I'll do, Mr.O'Donnel, that I'll do. 
But should it be I who should happen to go first,
for old times sake I'd be forever grateful if you would pour a bottle of
Irish whiskey over me grave.

The friend responds: That I'll do. But about the Irish whiskey............
would you mind it so much if it should happen to pass
through me kidneys first?


We apologise for the error in the last edition,
in which we stated that 'Ms Gina Presscock is a
Defective in the Air Force'. This was a
typographical error. We meant of course that
Mr Gina is a Presscock in the Air Farce."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 16, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A True Story...

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame
deGaulle.Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How
quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking
forward to in these retirement years?;

"A penis", replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one
knew what to say next.

De Gaulle leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe
ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'. "


An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the
yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question,
but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question,
then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He
proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at
him with her mouth hanging open. 
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"

The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that
dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


From Dixie
My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for
awhile.  Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy
test, he was called out of town on business.  I had told our young
daughters about the test, and they were excited.  We decided if it
was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father
when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the
telltale line to appear.  When it did not, my thoughtful seven- year-old
gave me a hug.

"It's okay, Mom," she said.  "The next time Daddy goes out of
town, you can try and get pregnant again."


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You might think about this one the next time you have to go to the
doctor. There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist 
who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. 
I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old 
guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you 
seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't 
come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some 
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have 
said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed 
the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. 
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had 
aken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

As you can imagine, the room erupted in laughter, WITH the
old dude.


Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes
up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with,
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From
the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and
almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,
"From the erection to the resurrection."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 15, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Finally having scraped enough money together for a trip to the Bahamas,
Todd arrived only to learn that the hotel at which he wanted to stay,
the St. Regis, charged $200 a day. Although that included a continental
breakfast, the pool and free golf, he simply couldn't afford that much
money. 

Dragging his gear around town, he finally found a hotel every bit
as nice but only cost $50 a day. Settling in, he decided to get in a few
rounds of golf before sunset.

Bringing his clubs to the hotel course, he went to buy a three-pack of
balls from the Pro Shop.

"That will be $100," said the man behind the counter.

"What?" screamed Todd. "That's outrageous! 
They're free at the St. Regis!"

"Yes," said the man, "but at the St. Regis they get 
you by the rooms."


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs.  Parks, asked her class, 
Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when 
stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, 
"You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that!  
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the 
principal, who will fire you!" 

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs.  Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "
Which body part increases to 10 times its size when  stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those
around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the
class, Anybody?"

 Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously,
and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its
size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to
Mary and continued, As for you, young lady, I have
three things to say: 
1) you have a dirty little mind,
2) you didn't read your homework 
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


A 75-year-old lady tells her husband that she should go to a doctor and
have a physical. Her husband agrees. She makes an appointment with a
gynecologist, and tells him about not having a checkup in over 25 years.

The physician tells her to get undressed, put on the gown then he will
examine her. The doctor proceeds with the exam. He lifts her right
breast and tells her to say 99.

She obliges and says, "99."

"I see nothing wrong there," he says. He then lifts her left breast and
tells her, "Say 99."

She replies "99."

Then he says, "Okay with this one too. We will now do a pelvic exam. Lay
flat down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."

The doctor puts on rubber gloves and some KY jelly on the gloves and is
checking her private parts for any sign of lumps, etc. He then says to
her, "Say 99."

She says, "One, two, three..."


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"Please remove your blouse and bra," says the doctor to the
young blonde, placing his stethoscope around his neck.
When she is ready, the doc says, "Big breaths."

"Yeth," she replies, "and I'm only thixthteen!"


The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy"

A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."
A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."
A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."
A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."
A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."




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try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, August 14, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and 
ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.  
 
And then He made the earth round.


Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central
Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from
behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes
his dick to the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady
also had a stroke. The third lady, though, was too far away 
to reach it.

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech
says to the birch:

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies:

"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker
in!".


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Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
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A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
questions her, "There must be something you're doing that
you haven't told me.
Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex
doggy-style on the floor every night." 

"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other 
positions and ways to have sex, you know." 

"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.
-------
There sure are! Rise up and put your elbows on the table.
What do you think Millions of Canadians do during periods
between hockey games?


Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would
   you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of
   your beer, than to forget where you left it!
-------
 SMOREPLAY: What Smurfs do before they smuck.




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 13, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A woman from New York was driving through a
remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on
horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby
town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode
off. The ride was uneventful except that twenty minutes
the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo
from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local
service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on
the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his
saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians around here ride bareback."



The operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very 
worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent 
marriage guidance. The call went like this:
Telecom: How may we help you?

Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, 
she think I haffing an affair!

Telecom: Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and
my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I 
never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls 
please.

Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually
tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their 
number.

Customer: This one is.

Telecom: What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

Telecom: No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

Customer: An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker 
continued.
Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer: For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.

Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the 
penny dropped.

Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah.

----------
Yeah, right. And the following week his wife called, complaining 
about some woman by the name of Lucille constantly calling 
her hubby.

L..O..C..E..L..L, Lucille 

 

 

Click on the picture for the Large Version
Just friends!

The hillbilly couple (Zeke and Emmy Lou) got married
and had a new baby every year or less. After their
13th baby was born, the couple told the Dr. that they
were going to stop having babies as soon as they
figured out what was causing them.

The doctor suggested to Zeke that he try covering the
organ before they made love.

Sure enough, in a short time Emmy Lou was pregnant
again and the doctor asked Zeke if he tried covering
his organ like he had suggested they do.

Zeke said, "We don't have an organ, Doc, but we did
throw a blanket over the TV."


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Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
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During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the
chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear
him down.

The chief told the young policeman that whenever he was feeling too
tense, he'd go home and screw the living hell out of his wife for about
an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to
work with a much better outlook.

The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good
advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped.

The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were
going.  The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning ha'd
experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with
great success.  He felt great.

After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly
halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot.  Your wife
asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner."



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The
waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man
and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll
smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the
blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts
the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he
walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the
owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The
blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the
blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu
again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and
brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells
great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the
blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife
that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week,
but this time the owner saw him coming and runs to the
kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your
pussy before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and
hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready
and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you
and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff
and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, August 12, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.  The interviewer looks over his papers
and says, "This is phenomenal.  You've graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales
representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your
constant winking will scare off potential
customers.  I'm sorry....   we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms,
flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer,"that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employee womanizing all
over the country!"

"Womanizing?  What do you mean?  I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed.  "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking,
and asked for aspirin?"


A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the
gorilla, a female, became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon
examination, a veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat.

What to do? There was no male of this species available. While
reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Burl, an
employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. 
Burl was rumored to possess ample ability to satisfy any female, 
and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they 
might entice Burl to satisfy the female gorilla. 

They approached him with a proposition: 
would he be willing to screw the gorilla for $500?

Burl: I might be interested. Let me think it over.

He entered the zoo administrators' office the following day. 

Burl: I accept your offer, but with 3 conditions: 
1st, I don't want to have to kiss her. 
2nd, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result.

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, 
but inquired about the 3rd condition.

Burl: Well, you've gotta give me another week to come up 
with the $500.

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding reception. The
couple had been given a very nice coffee set by her parents. "I'd like
to thank you all for coming here to celebrate our wedding. I'd like to
thank the beautiful brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new
parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."
---------
That's almost as good as the guy who said at the wedding:
"I take thee, as my waffle bedded wife."


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Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
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What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws
old ladies?

A bingo machine.
-----------
While on that topic,
How do you get 50 old ladies to scream "F**k!" ?

Have one of them yell "Bingo!"


An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to
each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start
due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the
pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced
that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming hostess came round with the trolley, the
doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then
asked the minister whether he wanted anything.

He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit
adultery than drink alcohol."

The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to
the hostess and said with a wink, "Madam, I did not know 
there was a choice."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
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The wise never marry,
And when they marry, 
they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term.
It brings too many relatives.


Patient says, "Kiss me doctor!"

Doctor said, "I can't, as we doctors have an ethics standard
that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I
probably shouldn't be having sex with you either."

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his
confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Germans. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did,
my son, and you have no need to confess."

"It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay
me with sexual favors."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered
terribly if the Germans had found her.Heaven, in its wisdom
and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you
kindly. You are forgiven." 

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"

"Should I tell her, that the war is over?"


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Discover Secret Information that Big Biz dont want you to know!
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A woman goes on a game show trying to win the top prize of $50,000. She
keeps answering question after question, and the prize money keeps
building up.

Finally she gets to the last question and the host says, "Okay, now. For
fifty thousand dollars, here is your final question: What are the three
most important parts of a man's body?"

Suddenly the buzzer sounds. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the host, "our time is
up for today. We'll have to come back next week and ask you that
question again. If you can answer it correctly, though, you will win
fifty thousand dollars!"

So the woman goes home that night, and her husband is really excited.

"Wow, honey!" he exclaims as he hugs her. "You did great! That was
fantastic! And just wait until next week! We'll win fifty thousand
dollars!"

So the wife says to him, "Well, tell me, honey. What are the three most
important parts of a man's body?"

The husband answers, "It's the head, the heart, and the penis."

"Oh, okay," she says. "Great!"

So for the next few days, the husband keeps testing her with the
question. She's in the shower when he suddenly sticks his head in around
the curtain and barks, "What are the three most important parts of a
man's body?"

She quickly replies, "HEAD, HEART, AND PENIS!"

"Great!" says the husband.

All week long he keeps testing her, asking her at the strangest moments,
and trying to catch her off guard. But she always gets the right answer.

Finally the big night arrives, and she is very excited as she arrives at
the television studio. The lights go on, and soon as they go on the air,
the host says to her, "All right! You've had a week to prepare! Now.for
fifty thousand dollars.what are the three most important parts of a
man's body?"

The studio audience falls to a hush. The hot bright lights are shining
down, the cameras push in for a close up, and the woman starts to get
flustered.

"U"...um...um...the...the...uh...the HEAD!"

"That's ONE!" says the host.

"Uh.uh.uh," stammers the woman, "uh.the HEART!"

The host shouts out, "That's TWO!"

Now the woman is so nervous that she can hardly think. "Oh, I know it, I
know it," she says, "it's right on the tip of my tongue.I could spit it
out.it's been drilled into me all week."

The host says, "Aaah, that's close enough. You win!"


A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for
cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,

"What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"




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try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 10, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter 
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- 
You’re in the wrong place." 

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. 
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level 
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building 
improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning 
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a 
pretty popular guy. 

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with 
a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" 

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air 
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's 
no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." 

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a 
mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send 
him up here." 

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, 
and I'm keeping him." 

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." 

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And 
just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" 


It's been determined that it's a bad idea to give
chocolate to a woman with PMS. Or go near her. 
It can worsen the condition.

However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY
chocolate from a woman with PMS.

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version


One day 3 guys got stranded on an island. They were
captured by cannibals. They begged for their life, so the
king cannibal said ok I will give you 2 trials. I'll tell
you the first one and the second one later. The first one
is pick 10 fruits of the same kind. 
So they set off. 
Later the first guy came with 10 apples. 
The king replies ok now you have to shove them up your ass 
without flinching or anything. 

So he shoves the first on up but the second one
he flinches so they eat him and he goes to heaven.

The second guys comes and the king tells him the 2nd trial.
 
He has berries. He shoves 9 up his ass and on the last one he
laughs so they eat him and he goes to heaven . 

The first guy and the second guy meet up in heaven. The first 
guy says to the second guy why did you laugh? You coulda lived! 

The second guy says I was fine until I saw the third guy with 
showing up with 10 pineapples.!


Last day. I am not donating space if nobody is interested.
	
Do you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair 
remover and hair growth inhibitor from easily available ingredients?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals! 
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, 
for pennies instead of paying big money. 
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch 
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller
asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do people always want to marry a
virgin?" 
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid comparison 
and criticism."
-------------
The last (only ?) virgin in Hungaria has her virginity for sale:
Virginity for sale
The original sale was closed down by eBay, after the bidding 
had topped $158,000, 
but will reopen on Hungarian television this week.



THE TEXAN TEST
1) Which of the following foods should be fried?
a) all foods
b) all foods
c) all foods
d) all foods

2) If you divorce your wife, is she still your sister or cousin?
True
False

3) What is 8 + 3 ?
a) what?
b) the number of people living in your trailer home
c) fertilizer
d) The number eight, Jesus, and the number three

4) I will cheat on my husband...
a) for a quart of Bud
b) not for all the chewing tobacco in the world
c) because he cheats on our daughter
d) if he doesn't give me back my bowling glove

5) I wash my underwear when...
a) I go swimming with it on
b) I wash my truck
c) it gets brittle
d) it rains

6) I brush my teeth when...
a) I wash my truck
b) they bleed
c) it rains
d) Never. I don't have teeth

7) How many cars and/or trucks are parked in your yard?
a) 15-20
b) 21-25
c) 26-30
d) beer

8) My favorite book is...
a) TV Guide
b) Jaws
c) Bob Barker's Bio
d) What is a book?

9) Country music is so great because...
a) it makes me cry
b) it goes good with fried food
c) they play it at all our favorite truck stops
d) Black people can't dance to it

10) Nothing is more intellectually stimulating than...
a) Oprah
b) okra
c) a V8 engine
d) greased up goats

11) Cholesterol is...
a) monster truck fuel
b) a laxative
c) a communist effort to overthrow Texas
d) outboard oil

12) Complete the sentence: "That ole boy
a) is slipperier than snot on a door knob."
b) is tougher than prison bacon."
c) is uglier than a mud fence."
d) is one little fork short of a fondue party"

13) Women should...
a) never clean house unless they're naked
b) put gravy on everything
c) cost less
d) bait their own hook

14) Ceiling fans should ...
a) clear your hairdo in all weather
b) safely let you hoop your legs over for position 64
c) not start automatically (see 14 b)
and NOT with the neighbor's remote control either!
d) not be used for hanging deer fer butcherin

15) Trucks should ...
a) have a bench seat
b) have mosquito netting on the back winder
c) have deer lights
d) have a couple of plug-in coolers in the back.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 9, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The
subject was  SIN, and he was most certainly 'against'
sin.

A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough
clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down
the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in
his audience.

He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel
the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of
every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good
thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me,
and right now up in Heaven, ....Saint Finger is shaking
his Peter at you!!"


Two priests were talking. The older one
said to the younger, "When you came to
our church I wondered how your new ideas
were going to work.

"When you replaced the front pews with
bucket seats, I had my doubts. But now
at every mass, the front seats are filled
with young people.

"When you 'jazzed up' the choir by singing
new and peppy songs, I was afraid it might
offend the older folks, but we have more people
in church now than ever.

"When you wanted to put in the drive-through
confessional, I have to admit I thought you'd
lost it. But more people are coming to
confession than ever.

"However, the neon sign out front that reads:
'Toot 'n tell or go to Hell' has to go!

 


 

Click on the picture for the Large Version
Meals On Wings


  10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their
first date
  20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
  36% of the women favor nudity
  45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
  46% of the women experienced anal sex
  70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
  80% of the men have never experienced homosexual
relations
  90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
  99% of the women have never experienced sex in the
office.

Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having
anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest
than to have sex in the office at the end of the day.

Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come
of it!


Do you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair 
remover and hair growth inhibitor from easily available ingredients?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals! 
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, 
for pennies instead of paying big money. 
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch 
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I
want... and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a
great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you
otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin', and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you
give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any
comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just
understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock
every night - whether you're here or not."


To make up for the church and office jokes, here is a classic limerick:
There once was a man named O'Doul,
Who discovered red spots on his tool,
   He went to the doc,
   Who examined his cock,
And said "Wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 8, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Some people bring happiness wherever they go;
others bring happiness whenever they go.


An old bull was showing his young bovine friend his pasture
one day when they topped out on a hill.

Below in the valley were dozens of cows. "Lets run down
there and service one of those cows" said the young bull.

"Son", said the old bull, "lets walk down there and take care
of all of them."

 





It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living
at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I
invited my boyfriend over for a romantic night alone. 

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone
ring downstairs. I suggested to my boyfriend that he give
me a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to
miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights
suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles,
Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing
there. My boyfriend and I were frozen in a state of
shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise
party ever again.


Do you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair 
remover and hair growth inhibitor from easily available ingredients?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals! 
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, 
for pennies instead of paying big money. 
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch 
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next
day. When the time came for the little kids to give their
reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that
he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn
came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't
figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on
something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny. 

"Well I can see that," she said. 
"But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but yesterday my
sister said she missed one. 
Then Daddy had a heart attack,
Mummy fainted,
Father Hibbard accross the street took off for a mission
in Africa, and Mr Beasley next door, shot himself."


At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and
an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both
loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go
fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding along,
when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you
want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants
and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When
they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he
had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river.  He asked the lady, "Do you want
to go up or down?" 

There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, 
passionate love to him again. This really impressed the old
gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat,
when they came upon the fork in the river. The gentleman asked, "Well,
do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he
came upon another fork.  He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or
down?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal?
Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you
made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."

She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I
thought you were saying, 'F*ck or drown!'"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, August 7, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

 and a friend were invited to a pot- luck party. 
Everybody brought a dish.
When it came time to serve dessert, the person who
prepared it, said the recipe was called
"Better Than Sex Cake."

After 's friend tasted it, she blurted
out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named
this dessert."



A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a
shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend.
As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs, 
dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.

Naturally, a fight broke out between her and the daddy over her
inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother 
stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young 
she had dressed the same way, it was the style.

He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something 
to say about that, too!"

"Yes dear," she said, "you did... 
you asked me for my phone number!"

 


point-to-point wiring


On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride,
"I have a  confession that should have made before,
but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship." 

"What is it?" she asked. 

"I'm a golfer," he said. 

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked. 

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll
be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, 
and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your 
wishes and golf -- golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said,
"I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty,
I should tell you that I've concealed something about my 
own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response,
"just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip
and that should clear right up."

"Yes, Dear."


Do you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair 
remover and hair growth inhibitor from easily available ingredients?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals! 
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, 
for pennies instead of paying big money. 
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch 
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


A Fire Fighter is working on the engine outside the station 
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon 
with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly 
coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a Fire Fighter's 
helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat,
with an empty collar tied between their collars.

The Fire Fighter walks over to take a closer look. 
"That sure is a nice Fire Truck," the Fire Fighter says 
with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The Fire Fighter looks a little closer and notices the 
girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the 
cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the Fire Fighter says, "I don't want to tell 
you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that 
rope to the spare collar between the cat and the dog, 
I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right, 
but then I wouldn't have a siren."


A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the 
desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman. 

In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens 
it, there stands an attractive lady in a Salvation Army uniform. 

He looks surprised but invites her in. 
She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?" 

He says, "Well, yes, ah shore did, Ma'am!", 
She begins to disrobe. When she is almost undressed, she
stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?" 

He says, "Back home in Texas, I'm married." 

So she starts to put all her clothes back on. 

"What tha Hall?", the Texan asks. 

Her reply, "We're strictly for the needy,
not the greedy".




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Friday, August 6, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband
 comes home from work and leans against the freshly
 painted wall.The next day, she says to the painter, "You
 wanna see where my husband put his hand last night? "He
 sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work
 ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of tea?"



"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your
girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the
older brother.

"Now you tell me!!" replied the younger sibling
with the swollen eye.
I thought you said 'where'."

 




A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual
performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem anymore!" announces the proud
physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra,
that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are
history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends
him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank
you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What
does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."


If you want the formula and instructions for making a natural hair 
remover and hair growth inhibitor?
No more shaving, waxing or smelly, expensive chemicals! 
Now you can make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, 
for pennies instead of paying big money. 
For yourself, plus you can bottle and sell it. Your first batch 
will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


The farmer, concerned that his horse had not experienced a bowel
movement for three days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very
large suppository.

The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the
animal's rectum. The farmer returned home, went to the barn and
systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the
designated port of entry.

Finally, unable to locate its' rectum, The farmer exclaimed: "Listen up
horse, if I don't find your rectum pretty soon, I'm going to stick this
thing up your ass!"


For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey.  He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.
The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started
out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the
university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.
"John."

"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know
what is your favorite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door.
He asked again, "Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff."

"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"
"Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good
number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime...
"watching bubbles in a bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses, to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl
opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"

"Bubbles."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------()-------Ooooo-------.
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-----------\\---------) /----------
----------- \ _)--------//------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, August 5, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry 
her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about 
each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each 
other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a 
honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were 
lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed 
up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, 
this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, 
where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid 
down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an 
Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn 
more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. 
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down 
on her towel hardly out of breath. 

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance
swimmer?" 

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both
sides of the canal."


During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain 
came on the intercom and methodically gave his passenger 
briefing,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be
cruising at 35,000 feet, blah, blah.."

After completing his statement, the Captain forgot to disconnect 
his mike, and the next thing the passengers heard was, 
"You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob 
right about now.."

Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane 
immediately turned and ran to the cockpit to inform the 
Captain of his miscue.

While scurrying past the first class section, a passenger 
raised his hand and was heard to say, 
"Don't forget the coffee!"

 



Cultural Differences


A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top.
She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises
her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment,
everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When
she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get
another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy
armpits. This happens a few times.

Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to
the bartender as he passes him, "Hey! D'you see that
ballerina on the other side of the bar?"

The bartender gives him a nod.

"Buy her a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "Sure, but how do you know she's a
ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick who can
lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."


That reminds me, do you want the formula and instructions for
producing a natural hair remover and hair growth inhibitor?
No more shaving, waxing and smelly chemicals! Now you can 
make an All Natural Hair Growth Inhibitor at home, for pennies
instead of paying big money. For yourself, plus you can bottle
and sell it. Your first batch will pay for the book.
You keep the ingredient list and formula and make more 
whenever you need cash.
Click Here for the Natural Hair Remover!


A bodybuilder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home
with him. He takes off his shirt and the woman says, 'What
a great chest you have.'

The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'

He takes off his pants and the woman says, 'What massive
calves you have.'

The bodybuilder tells her, 'That's 500 kg of dynamite.'

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running
and screaming out of the apartment.

The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after
her. He finally catches up and asks her why she ran out of
the apartment.

The woman replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that
dynamite after I saw what a short fuse you have.'


These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s.l.o.w.l.y. tells the
first guy "I    w.a.s. a.l.m.o.s.t   m.a.r.r. i.e.d.

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't
stutter any more."

The answer comes " y.e.s   I  w.e.n.t   t.o   a
d.o.c.t.o.r .a.n.d  h.e   t.o.l.d    m.e,   t.h.a.t
i.f  I  s.p.e.a.k.   s.l.o.w.l.y,   I    w.i.l.l
n.o.t   s.t.u.t.t.e.r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again
about how he "was almost married".

"W.e.l.l   m.y    f.i.a.n.c.e.e    a.n.d  I   w.e.r.e
s.i..t.t.i.n.g.  o.n   h.e.r     p.o..r.c.h  a.n.d
h.e.r   d.o.g  w.a.s  s.c.r.a.t.c.h.i.n.g  h.i.s
b.a.c.k    a.n.d    I    t.o.l.d h.e.r   t.h.a.t
w.h.e.n   w.e     a.r.e   m.a.r.r.i.e.d    s.h.e
c.a.n  d.o   t.h.a.t   f.o.r   m.e   a.n.d  s.h.e
t.h.r.e.w    t.h.e     r.i.n.g     i.n     m.y
f.a.c.e."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend

" W.e.l.l    I     s.p.e.a.k    s.o   s.l.o.w.l.y,
t.h.a.t    b.y     t.h.e  t.i.m.e     s.h.e
l.o.o.k.e.d.  a.t   t.h.e   d.o.g,    
h.e    w.a.s   l.i.c.k.i.n.g   h.i.s    b.u.t.t."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 4, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A woman takes her 4 year old son in for his yearly
well child visit to The doctor. The doctor asks the
little boy, "Do you know your name?"

He tells her, "Yes my name is Timmy."

"And Timmy, do you know your mom's name?"

"Yes her name is Mommy," said Timmy.

"And what is Mommy's real name?"

And little Timmy says, "it's Tammy."

"That is great," the doctor told Timmy. Then the doctor
asked, "And what is your daddy's name?"

Timmy said, "it is daddy."

Finally the doctor asked, "And what does mommy call him?"

Timmy looked up innocently and replied, "Meathead."

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother 
approached she heard: "One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way 
of doing math.

Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Susan taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework.

The next day she stormed into Johnny's classroom and 
confronted Ms. Susan. Johnny's mother told Ms. Susan about 
Johnny's different way of doing math and his claims that 
Ms. Susan taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted.

She said that she couldn't understand why Johny had said 
what he did.

Then suddenly, Ms Susan exclaimed, "Oh, I know... here in school we
say,one and one, the sum-of-which is two."

 



Serious plumbing!


A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a
beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the
sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford
to go home. 

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her. 

"I'll hide you away on my ship as long as you'll have sex with me
when I ask and then you can go home." 

She hugs him, crys and agreees. So late that night they sneak 
on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. 
He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay 
hidden because she'll be in great trouble if she's caught. 

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every
day and sleeps with her every night. Finally one day the captain is
strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover
discovering the girl. 

Scared she explains "Dont be mad sir one of your sailor 
stowed me away to take me home to poland, is bringing me food and
screwing me." 

"No shit lady.....this is the Staten Island Ferry"


A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny.  
So he goes to the first house of ill repute he sees.  
He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one.  But, since he only has 
five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to 
the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars.  
I'm really horny, and I need a b-j for 5 dollars!"

The madam there says "OK.  For five dollars, we can 
give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the madam takes the $5 and leads the horny man 
to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and 
waits for his "penguin."  

Soon, a lady comes in and starts on him. Just as he's about 
to let loose, she stops and walks away.  
Now, the horny guy, with his pants at his ankles, 
waddles after her, shouting "HEY!  WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"


A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. 
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these
cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the 
mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, 
but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never 
ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

So the mother asks the good doctor, if she could have gotten
pregnant in a public toilet.

The doctor grinned and she replied: "Sure, why not?
I myself apparently was conceived in a Volkswagen Beetle,
and I got pregnant with my first daughter in a phone booth,
during a thunderstorm."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal
blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The
nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private
room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse
knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left
hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could
you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but
you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins.

"I really appreciate this," he interrupted,
"but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"


A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar
on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and
make small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got
my name. What's your name?"

"Beerboobs," the man replied.

 




She makes LOTS of money
wif her shovel.


A captain in the French Foreign Legion was
transferred to a remote desert outpost. 
in the FFL, officers are from France, enlisted men
from anywhere but France.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking
camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He
asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel
tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so
when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for
morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long,
lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his
sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant,
"BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the
other men, and led the camel into the Captain's
quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his
tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with
pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do
it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Not really, Sir, 
usually they just use it to ride into town."


A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the
hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer. He then went
to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens. He
didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper
suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand
and hold each chicken under you arms. He did this and
started to walk home.

Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge tits bulging
out of a low cut dress. She looked lost. He asked "Lassy can
I help you, you look lost?" She replied, "I am, I'm looking
for my Uncle Mr. Simms. The farmer said, "Why he's my
neighbor, follow me there." So off they went, he was getting
tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why
sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the
wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?" "Now how
can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and
chickens I carry?" he said.

She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground,
the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and
I'll hold the chickens!"


A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling
system of the head and the heating system of the heart.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 2, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked
the class the following question, "What is bright red and
shiny?". 

Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, "A fire engine!"

No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you think..
anyone else?"

Little Susan replied that it was an apple and everyone was
happy except Johnny of course. Anyway, Little Johnny asked
the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded OK. 

"What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end
and you put it into your mouth?"

"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK
HERE!" 

Johnny replied, "Relax. It's a toothbrush, 
but I like the way you think."


One more on that topic:

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe
a fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." Okay,
first: it's round, plumb and red." of course, Little Johnny
raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him
and picked little Deborah, who promptly answered "An
apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.

Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and
brownish.." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his
seat trying  to get the teacher to call on him. But she
skips him again and calls on Little Billy.. "Is it a
peach?"  "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like
your thinking.."

Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By
now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically.. But the teacher skips him again and calls on
little Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher
replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly..
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in
my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and its got
a head on it, and yiu want it." 

"Johnny!" she screeches. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, 
"it's a coin, but I like the way you think!"

 



Wash out! I'm comin frough!


Joyce and Edna, two widows, are talking when Joyce says, "That nice
George Johnson asked me out for a date ... I know you went out with him
last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer."

Edna smiled and said, "Well ... I'll tell you. He shows up at my
apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car ... a limousine,
uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner -
marvellous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show ... let me tell you,
Joyce, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into a complete
ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress rips down
my expensive new red silk knickers and has wild sex with me four times!"

Joyce is shocked. "Goodness gracious! ... so you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna shook her head vigorously. "Hell, no!  I'm just saying, you better
wear your old gear."


A first grade teacher had a small number of children
gathered around a table for a reading group.
After the story was read she gave the children a work
sheet to do.

She thought they may have some problems so wanted
them to work on it there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly,"We don't say
that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she
said, "Not even when things are totally fucked up?!"


Three old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old man walked by, and one of the old ladies said,
"We bet we can tell how old  you are."

The old man said "there ain't no way you can guess it".
One of the old ladies said: "Sure we can.
Drop your pants!" He did.

The old ladies stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and
said, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?"

The old ladies, laughing and slapping their knees,
"You told us yesterday".



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 1, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into 
town and proceeded to get thoroughly drunk.

A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck 
out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the 
hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold 
water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the 
cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and 
screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, 
you've got work to do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift 
my head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you 
this hungover a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. 
"Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, 
and I had to push him home backwards all the way.


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude
beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son
goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I
saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says...
"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says...
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!"

 





There was a priest who had a young intern working with him.
Because this priest was living in such a big house, he had
a housekeeper. One day the priest had the intern over for
supper. The young guy noticed that the housekeeper was
very sexy and wondered if there was something going on.

A couple of days later, the housekeeper approached the
priest and said she couldn't say for sure but she thought
that the intern had stolen the gravy ladle. The priest
decided to write to the intern and he said, "I can't say
that you stole my silver gravy ladle and I can't say that
you didn't but that fact is that it has been missing since
you were here!" The intern replied, "Well, I can't say that
you are sleeping with your maid but I can't say that you
aren't, but the fact is that if you slept in your own bed,
you'd find the ladle!!"


Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make
your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and some wood.


After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet
country road and made his move. When Mary responded
enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his
hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out
of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night,
she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her
own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As
they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up
Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the
car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her
diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two
legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That
night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when
even the best of friends must part."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, July 31, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned 
about your declining health?"

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't 
afford cigarettes!"


From England, extracts from actual letters sent to various
councils and Housing associations.

1 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
  and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very
   badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
   passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his
   balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the
   outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the
   other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
   from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my
   wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
   pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
   50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster
   and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
   until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a
   funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
    pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road,
    every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its
    now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden,
    which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children
    and would like a third so please send someone round to
    do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and
    would you please do something about the noise made by
    the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
    and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
    times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
    passage has fungus in it.

18. He has a huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
    just cannot take it any more.

 



Large version
MOM!!!!


From Dina
"I told my hubby that a woman is like a fine wine... I always
get better with age. 
The next day, he locked me in the wine cellar."


A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a
drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he
tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the
bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man
walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds
he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar
with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the
barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in
here and left with those two stunning women - what's his
secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could
want but have not been able to connect all night - What's
going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but
he does the same thing every night.
He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking
his eyebrows...


A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the
desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid
not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a
special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,
inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time
the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which
reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25
cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What
Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around
he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into
the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his
wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony.

Five seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the
salesman was able to withdraw his penis, 
which now had a button sewed on the tip.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 30, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

"Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. 
Remember
that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"



From Evan
My Wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and I were shopping in crowded mall.
We had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and I
decided that I was going to really get her. I announced in a loud voice
that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!". 

I was disappointed that only a few people around us reacted but my Wife
managed to bring down the house when she responded, 
"That's ok, then I won't tell you who the father is!".

 


Large Version 800
Large Version 1024
Large Version 1200
Large Version 1600


As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked
up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the
vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."


Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a man strays, 
it's because men are @#$%&@#$%###!!!



Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's
court. He had a long-standing obsession.... to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.... but he knew the
penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold
coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily
agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching
lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere
while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the
itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the
King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such
a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's
mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued
the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the
antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him,
into his mouth and for the next four hours worked
passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio
demanding payment. However, with his obsession now
satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed
him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this
matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive
dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth, 
and promptly left for a pilgrimage to Rome.

And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the
King.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 29, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Trishia decides to do something wild she hasn't done
before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult
video. She goes to the video store and, after looking
around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into
something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment though, there's nothing but static
on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

"Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with
some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Replies Trishia, "It's called, 'Head Cleaner'."


A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad?
Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"
The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied,
"Sometimes a lawyer will try anything to win a case."

 



Large Version


Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's mother-in-law went camping
over the weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that her mother 
had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.

So the two of them went looking for her.

After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly 
bear squared off with the mother-in-law!

Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice,
"Dewayne you got'ta do something, or there's gonna be blood 
shed fer sure!"

Dewayne calmly said, "Now look, honey, 
the bear got himself into it..."


The President of a large manufacturing company during economic 
slow down told his Supervisors that they would have to lay one 
person off in each department. 

Bob took this hard because he didn't have anyone he wanted
to lay off. They were all good workers. It came down to the 
last two people that he had hired. Mary or Jack. 

The day before he was to let one person go, Mary came in early and 
Bob called her into his office to talk to her, thinking maybe she would 
volunteer to go. Bob told Mary: "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack 
off today." 

Mary replied: "You better jack off, because I've got a headache."


Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the
merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose."Well, I don't like them,"
said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, 
I blow my slippers off!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
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 earning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace
vodka Martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued the
following memo:
 To all employees: If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey.
It is much better for our customers to think you are drunk, 
than to realize you are stupid.


When the secretary entered her boss' office one morning,
he looked ou the window and announced idly, "It's certainly 
going to be a beautiful day."

"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forcast is
for rain."

"It's not going to rain," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you
twelve to one."

"I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour. Afterward
is fine, if I don't get wet during lunch hour."

 



Large Version


A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention 
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When 
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

The house gets $60.00 and the girls get $40.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped 
off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully 
unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached 
a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do 
the girls get?"

"The girls get $70.00 and the house gets $30.00."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the 
Madam $100.00, which promptly disappeared through
a slot in the wall, 
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly 
attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an
ancient looking weathered woman in the corner, 
"but Ethel here has seniority."


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it 
in their cart.  

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, 
and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 
jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. 

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies 
the wife. 

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and 
it's half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup crew to aisle 25, we have 
a husband down."


The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse 
after being sworn in as Canadian citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Canadian 
citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife replied. 
"Tonight, you cook the damn dinner, 
and in bed, I get to be on top!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
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When the maid asked for a pay increase, the wife was very 
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. 
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase ?' 
 
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want an 
increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' 
 
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me ?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.' 
 
Wife: 'Oh.' 
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am better cook than you.' 
 
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband did.' 
 
Wife: 'Oh..' 
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better in bed than you.' 
 
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well ?' 
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.' 
 
Wife: 'So how much do you want ?'


KID:  "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And the stork brings babies?"

MOM:  "Why certainly, dear."

KID:  "Then what's dad hanging around for?"

 



Large Version
Our-mom-is-tougher-than-yours!


A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head
with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she
replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan
knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was
that for?"
"Your horse phoned."


A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
of love- making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated
the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The
boy was silent through-out the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged
with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive
person on his weapon.


A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the
government, so for homework that one day, she told her
students to ask their parents what the government is. When
Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and
ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this
way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, the maid is
the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is
the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
'Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it
better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to
bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened
by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's
crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his
diaper. 

So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. 
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through
the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the
keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't
there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through
the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his
maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized
something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the
government! The President is screwing the work force,
Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and
the future is shitty!''



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, July 26, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
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After the company party, when most went to the pub for something
stronger than the lame company punch, Joe's wife stood up 
and said that it was time to get ready for a tost she wanted 
to make.. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband 
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The barmaid was
almost crushed to death.


A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a
steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep
other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center
of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he
was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not
going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of
the truck.

He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled,
"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear
me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously
satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was
coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the
only one with brakes."

 





Three men are discussing their lovemaking abilities. The first man says,
"My wife, last night I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we
make wonderful love.  She screamed in pleasure for five minutes."

The second man says, "Last night I smothered sweet butter on my wife's
body, then we made passionate love.  She screamed for half an hour."

The last man says, "I covered Pegi's body with Cheese Whiz.
We made love and she screamed for six hours."

"Six hours?" the others say, "How did you make her scream for six
hours?"

He says, " I wiped my hands on the drapes."


A plumber knocked at the door. "I've come to fix your blocked 
toilet, he said to the man answered the door.

"But we haven't got a blocked toilet."

"Are you Mr. Collis?" asked the plumber.

 "No. He moved away two months ago."

"Shit! There are some real bastards in the world,"the plumber said.
"They ring for a plumber as a screaming emergency, 
and then move off to another address!"


Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help
me!  Every night I have the same horrible dream.   I'm lying in bed
when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start
tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see.  And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, July 25, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the
woman thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed. "I'm not
sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold
or you're pregnant." "Oh," says the woman, "I must
be pregnant
--I don't know anyone who could have given me a
cold."


A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot
identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man
there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually
catches them doing what comes naturally. To make
sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts
out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round
the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The
male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf
whistles, and says, "I see she caught YOU at it, too."

 



Large Version
Looks like he has a problem with the electric can opener!


Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education
in the schools. What they're not considering though is that
if the kids learn it the way they learn all the other
subjects, they still won't know how to "do it" anyway.


A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who 
now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town.

"I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. 
"How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody 
in town knows what everybody else is doing?"

"Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper 
to see who got caught at it."


Q: "Why don't roosters have hands?"
A:  "Because chickens don't have boobs!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 23, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a
most uncomplimentary drawing of herself on the
blackboard. Fuming, she asked the class, "Who is
responsible for this atrocity?!"

The class clown won tremendous prestige among his
peers by answering,
"I don't know for sure, but it's probably something hereditary."


A bus full of nuns crashes and all of them die. They are all
standing outside the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first
nun "whats the worst thing youve done?" 

She starts crying and says she saw a mans erection. 

St. Peter says wash your eyes in the holy fountain and all 
will be forgiven. You may pass.

The second nun comes before St Peter and he asks her the
same question. She breaks down and says she gave a man a
hand job. 

He tells her to wash her hands in the holy fountain and
all will be forgiven.

Just then St Peter sees a nun cut in the front of the line.
He tells her that there is no need for any hurry in heaven. 

The nun replies "But I want to wash out my mouth before 
Sister Mary sticks her ass in the fountain."

 



We need more trees, or fewer dogs!


A glamorous actress, whose best days were behind her, 
began finding herself without male companionship several 
evenings a week. To help pass the time--and perhaps catch 
a live one--she decided to attend one of those charity meetings. 

She dozed quietly throughout the opening address, but awoke 
suddenly to hear the speaker say:
"Now let's get out and work like beavers."

The actress nudged the person sitting next to her and 
whispered, "How do beavers work?"

The answer from the confused lady on her left was, "I'm not too
sure, but I think it's with their tails."

The actress jumped to her feet and shouted as loud as she could,
"Put me down for three nights a week!"


There's a new jewelrey store in Hollywood whose business 
has suddenly leaped ahead of all the competition. 
It rents wedding rings.


Two guys are drinking at a bar when one turns to the other and
says "Right, time I was going home, the wife only lets me
have 4 beers" 

His friend says, "No, no, no, that'll never do. You should 
do what I do. Drink as many beers as you can fit down you, 
follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys & a bourbon! 
Then go home, shove your head under the blanket &
lick your wife like crazy, she WONT complain after,
trust me!" 

So the guy gets tanked and wobbles home. After he 
stumbles up the stairs, he opens the bedroom door, and 
without hesitation, dives under the blanket and licks away!

After 15 minutes he figures "Right, best go wash up or she'll
never kiss me like this." 

So of to the bathroom he goes.
When he gets there he see's his wife, laying there in the bath
reading a book. 

"What the hell!!" he shouts out. 

"SHUSH!!" she wispers back to him "You'll wake my mother,
and you know how she hates your guts!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 23, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to screw, or I don't know how to shit."



A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby!  The doctor gave me a test today, but
until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.

 




Well, that calls for a Hillary joke!

Hillary's Driver  Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising 
along a New York country road one evening when an old cow 
tottered in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't...
the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain 
to the owners what happened.  About an hour later, the driver 
staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.  
He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an 
expensive Cuban cigar in the other and
was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, 
his wife gave me the wine, and their twin daughters made 
mad passionate love to me." 

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. 

The driver replied: "I told them, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, 
and I just killed the old cow."


Two teensters, ages fourteen and sixteen, were turned down
by the marriage license clerk.  Then they asked, "Could you
give us a learners' permit?"


Here is a classic I found in an old Dear Webby Humor Letter:
A preacher wanted to raise cash for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was
so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured
that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The
next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S
ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S
ASS This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline
the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
10.00 bucks. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR
10.00 bucks This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered
the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where
it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER
ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 22, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

My ex-father-in-law walked in the other day...
and said, "Hey, if you keep doing that, it  will make you
go blind!"

So I replied, "Hey Joe........ you are talking to the
mop, I'm over here at the computer."


An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and
was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there
something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging.
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

 



Large version
X-Large version


Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell.

Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road.

Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand."

Pa obliged.

A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her.

A little further along, she says."Pa . . . "

"Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit
on the melons!"


After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the
politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the
dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician
replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the hooker replied. "I do a little
blackmail on the side!"


The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20
-- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out." The boy quickly agreed.

The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her
panties and laid back.  The boy slipped it in and handed her a
$10 bill. And later, when he was finished, he handed her another 
$10 and she released him.

The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed.  This 
time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just 
lay there. After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it 
out now."

He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more
money."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Variation on an old joke:
This beautiful young blonde walks into the health
clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me,
ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?"

"I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the
nurse.

"Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm
because I wear a sleepless nightgown."

"You mean a sleeveless nightgown?"

"Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh
because I have a zucchini bathing suit."

"You mean a bikini?"

"Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia."

"You mean your vagina?"

"All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, just
as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"


After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers
him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you
could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch
doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." She throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor
says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The
witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it
will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with
the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and
suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

 





From Bobbie
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when
suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't
seen his thing in 15 years." 

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal 
information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say 
and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?" 

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What
color is it now?"

There is a business man, and he has a wife who has to
have sex every hour on the hour. The man is worried about
his wife, because he is going on a business trip, so he goes
to a sex shop to try and buy something that might please his
wife. The man tells the clerk about his situation, and the
clerk brings out an item called "VooDoo Dick". The clerk
tells the man that it has the ability to bone the mans wife,
and he doesn't even have to be there, because the VooDoo
Dick can be activated from anywhere in the world, but only
by a man's voice, so the clerk demostrates for the man by
saying "VooDoo Dick wall" and the VooDoo Dick starts banging
the wall, then he says" VooDoo Dick stop" and it stops, the
man is impressed and he buys it.

The man gives the present to his wife and goes on his trip.
While in the air, he realizes that it is time for him to
activate the VooDoo Dick, but he doesn't know that his wife
has taken the car and gone shopping, so he says "VooDoo Dick
wife" and the VooDoo Dick starts to bang his wife while she
is driving, so she starts driving all crazy, swerving all
over the road. Eventually the husband says "VooDoo Dick stop", 
but a cop had stopped her right when he said that.

The officer is asking the wife "So ma'am, why were you
speeding", 
and she says "It wasn't my fault, it was VooDoo Dick!"

The officer replies "VooDoo Dick?? You are drunk!
VooDoo Dick my ass!!"


While browsing through a magazine, Sol was attracted
to a story about chickens.

They have yellow eyes and are being fitted with red
contact lenses, which make then eat less, lay more,
and stop henpecking.

Sol turns to Goldie and says, "You know, once word of
this gets around, rose-colored glasses are going to be
the hottest Chanukah gift this year from husbands to
wives."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Dad took his little boy to Walmart.  Of course, as you walk in the
machines with prizes in them are irresistible.  Dad gives in as he wants
the boy to be occupied.  The kid inserts 2 quarters. and gets the little
clear balls w/ toys inside.  The kid removes the toy, puts the little
plastic covers in his back pockets and they continue on in to shop. 

Now they are standing in line waiting to check out.  The boy is by now 
bored and fussy  - becoming very irritable and  dad's frustration is 
mounting.

Finally,  dad breaks - he picks the kid up and sits him firmly down on
the counter...The boy immediately starts wailing and dad says 
"Stop that!".  

The son replies   between screams, " But dad, you busted my little balls! "


Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under
the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

 



Large
X-Large


Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in
the dumps. "Whats the matter?", Bill asked. 

"I dont get it", Joe sighed. The dating scene is so confusing. 
There are so many damned people you have to please.  
Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, 
but her father hated me.  

Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really 
liked me, but SHE didnt like me. 

And then there was this woman I met last night.  She absolutely 
loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, 
but her husband could'nt stand me!"


A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a
primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them
Reading, Writing, Math and Science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a
white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the
professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white
man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white
child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what
happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence of what we in the
civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over
there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you
what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I
won't say anything more about that white kid."


There were two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school and were both virgins and
enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade.  When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime
they could together.  As time went on, the guy would call
the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would
take weeks to return any letters.  Even when he e-mailed
her, she took days to return his messages.  Finally, she
confessed to him that she wanted to date around.   He didn't
take this very well and increased his calls and letters and
e-mails trying to win back her love.  Because she became
annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him
off her back.   So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me
alone."  Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but
even more so, he was pissed.  So what he did next was
awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom
and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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