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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, November 30, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a politician." It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar.As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 if you will spit in that drink." With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?" 
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member". After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just take the racquet out of your mouth and use your hand." A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." One day Little Johnny's teacher decided to play a spelling game where she gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter and then use it in a sentence. Starting with A Little Johnny's hand is continually in the air, but the teacher ignores him, because she afraid he'll be rude again. "Yes, Susan?" says the teacher. "Miss, A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" says Susan. "Excellent " says the teacher, she goes on through the alphabet. Finally she reach F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary. "F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who live among the flowers" says Mary. "Great" says the teacher, "now we get to G." Suddenly only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides G is a 'safe' one. "Yes Johnny?" "Miss G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too." "Little Johnny ! That's Excellent!" exclaims the teacher, being very happy that for once he wasn't out of line. "Yes Miss he's the one who fucks the Fairies!" replies Little Johnny. California Department of Transportation's driving school: Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Somebody else's car. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?" Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, November 29, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man is walking along a California beach when he stumbles across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie! The genie says, "OK, OK! You released me from the lamp, blah, blah,blah. This is the fourth time this month and I am getting sick and tired of granting all these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get ONE wish!" The man sits down on the sand and thinks about it for a while. Finally he says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared of flying and I get very sea sick. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?" "That's impossible!" shrieks the genie. "Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?! Think of how much concrete that would take, how much steel! No! No way! Think of another wish!" He thinks for a long time and says I've been married and divorced four times and all of my wives has said that I don't care and that I am insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they are crying...know what they really want when they say "nothing"...know how to truly make them happy.... The genie says, "Do you want two lanes or four on that stupid bridge?" A woman goes to the Doctors with a very embarrassing disfigurement. "Will you promise not to laugh", she asks the Doc. "I promise" says the Doc. So she takes her blouse off and exposes one large ample breast right in the middle of her chest. To which the Doc burst into fits of laughter. "I knew you'd laugh, I just knew it ", cried the woman, so she lifted her arm and pissed on him. 
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in tha room." Military vocabulary If your daughter comes home on leave and sprouts weird acronyms, that the women in Military are encouraged to use, instead of the full phrases, when they are amongst civilians, here is a translation: figmo - fuck it, got my orders fubab - fucked up beyond all belief fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair fumtu - fucked up more than usual snafu - situation normal, all fucked up tarfu - things are really fucked up janfu - joint army-navy fuckup. gfu - general fuck-up samfu - self-adjusting military fuck-up sapfu - surpassing all previous fuck-ups susfu - situation unchanged, still fucked-up WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one. "Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?" A big Texan took a job out of state. The company required him to have a physical before starting work. The Texan was in the waiting room when a beautiful woman called him in. The woman asked him to remove his clothes and put on a gown. The Texan complied, when he took off his shirt the woman exclaimed... "My, you sure have big shoulders" The Texan replied "ma'am, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his pants, the woman exclaimed... "My you sure have big legs" The Texan replied "ma'am, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his underwear, the woman was flabbergasted, and decided to sample his manhood. As she was bent over the table the Texan asked, "Ma'am, what part of Texas did you say you were from ?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, November 28, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Arthur. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney, by double registered mail. He then went up to visit his friend Arthur and said, "Arthur, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Arthur's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "Well, it sure would be no orgy!" Johnny answered, "Helen, my girlfriend, would bust my skull for that!" 
Large version for pasting onto store doors and lamp posts
One day there was a big lady swimming in the surf and just as she got close to the beach a big breaker tumbled her. When she stood up to wade ashore, she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and ran over to her towel. So she went, and nobody seemed to notice her as she approached her towel. Just then a little boy came running up to her and said, "Hey, lady!" "What?" asked the startled lady. "If you're going to drown those puppies, can I have the one one with the cute little brown nose?" One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.... "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!" "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that here. No, no they don't!" "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!" "But if you fuck one goat......." A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, November 27, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age 5, no Easter Bunny at 6, and no Tooth Fairy at 7. And if you're going to tell me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!" Austin was flying home and listening to the flight attendant do the "safety speech" thing. Since it was a red-eye, she said the cabin lights would be dimmed. "If you need additional light, note that pressing the button with the light will turn on your personal overhead light." Then, very serious, "Please also be aware that pushing the stewardess button will NOT turn the stewardess on." 
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing." "What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie. "Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?" "Me and my family rode our bikes together." "That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room. "What did you do this summer, Mikey?" "Nothing," the boy responded timidly. "Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, try to draw Mikey out. "Yes." "Did you go to the beach?" "No." "Did you ride bikes?" "No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked teacher. "I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town." A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses. Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%. Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. "You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said. "You're right, I look down, and the ball's as big as a basketball, just can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute." When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet. "Gee, what happened to you?" his friends asked. "I don't know," he replied. "I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, November 26, 2009 Happy Thanksgiving Day to you, if you are in the US. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit." The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!" To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots." ------------ Those were the good old days! Today the doctor would diagnose it as diabetes, prescribe all kinds of drugs and lab tests and further appointments. Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. Some of the new treatments and medications have developed in recent years. And the classes in life skills and using computers and connecting with people on the internet have helped me feel more real and in touch with the world. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately, or maybe website design." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post stuff to Yahoo groups." 
Barbie cheating on Ken
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!" A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm... and collected. Leroy's wife went to the bank and applied for a loan. "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce Leroy." "Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...." Leroy's wife interrupts and says "Well, getting rid of that turkey is definitely going to be a 'Home Improvement.'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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