Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  April 30, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts
him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes
home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here." 
The man replies, "Yes, it is." 
Boy, "I have a baseball." 
Man, "That's nice." 
Boy, "Want to buy it?" 
Man, "No, thanks." Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?" 
Boy, "$25"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and his
mother's lover are in the closet together. 
Boy, "Dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is." 
Boy, "I have a baseball mitt." 
Remembering the last time, the man asks, 
"How much?" 
Boy, "$75" 
Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
Let's go outside and toss the ball back and forth." 
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." 
Father, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy, "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm
going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
 The Priest says, "Don't start that crap again! This is MY place!"
 Boy: "My dad and six of the town's biggest gossips are outside...."
 

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The
waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man
and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu.
Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll
smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty
dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the
blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts
the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed
potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he
walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the
owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The
blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the
blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu
again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a
dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and
brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells
great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the
blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife
that the next time the blind man comes in he's going
to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week,
but this time the owner saw him coming and runs to the
kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your
crotch, before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and
hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready
and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you
and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff
and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here!"





A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating
rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, 
guilt and so on into the process. 
He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan.

"Well," he says to the doctor a week later, "I did everything you
suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I
skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged
into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her
naked and we went to it on the coffee table."
"And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically.
 "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully,
 "somewhat, but here Bible group sure thought it was really neat."


Dissatisfied with the results he got from his family doctor, the
balding
man sought out alternative treatment for his hair loss. A friend
referred him to a scientist who had been testing a chemical that
showed
great promise. Within a week after taking the new drug, hair began to
grow uncontrollably all over his body. The suddenly hairy fellow
returned to see the scientist. "What the hell did you give me?" he
demanded. "It was DNA from a woolly mammoth." "Aha," the hairy man
exclaimed. "That would explain the size of my balls!"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  April 29, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A husband and wife were sitting home one evening watching
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

The husband looks at the wife and says, "C'mon honey, let's
go upstairs and fool around."

The wife says, "No!"

The husband says, "Aw, c'mon.  Let's go upstairs and fool
around."

The wife again says, "No!"

The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says, "Yes, that is my final answer."

The husband then asks, "Well then, can I phone a friend?"


 A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when
she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches
them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely,
aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her
surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had
a great day going in and out of puddles."

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And
what's your name then?" 

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewey, 
and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles."

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your
name's Dewey, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles."
"No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had a fantastic
day."





What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and
a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry


One day, an African chief's wife gave birth to a white child
and the chief was absolutely stunned. He suspected some
hanky panky and went to the white Jesuit missionary father
and looked at him suspiciously.

"You have been having sex with my wife," he accused the
white father, who looked very uncomfortable.

The Jesuit, attempting to wriggle out of the difficult
situation explained Mendel's laws of genetics to the
wrathful black man.

"You see that herd of sheep," he said pointing to the
chief's herd, "Most of them are white; but you will also
notice 2 black lambs among them."

"OK! OK!" said the chief. "You keep your mouth shut and so
will I."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  April 28, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Staggering in from their fifteenth anniversary dinner, the
husband collapsed in a chair and let out a stentorian
belch.

"That's it George ! I've had it this time." his wife screamed.
"No more sex for you, forever."

"Nah, you can't control that." he replied,
"You cut me off  years ago, and you don't have a clue where I
have been getting it regularly since then."


A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself
as a man and joined the army.
"But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress
with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged, "So far, none of them complained."





 A group of cowboys in Arkansas were branding some cattle. 
 While they were out the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking
 it was for that nights dinner he cooked it. That night after 
 dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. 
 He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up the cooking..." 
 "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."


Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me
to say no to everything."
"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl replied.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if
you religiously follow your mother's orders!"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  April 26, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

To all those who keep asking where those pictures were shot:
I haven't got a clue.
A subscriber sent them to me as part of a collection of best pictures.
Enjoy them, bu tplease  realize that I am not a travel agent.
Ophelia

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became
entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued
her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him.
Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their
honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said,

"You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had
gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's
how I lost the last 49 guys.




Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at
the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a
simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into
heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you."

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on your wife?"

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never
cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in,
but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you
cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8
times."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a
Yugo for your transportation.

A couple of hours later the second and third men saw the
first man crying his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the
mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a
little while ago, and she pushing a shopping cart along the highway, 
with her clothes and a sleeping bag on it!"


 A man brought his three sons into his room and asked them, "Which
one of you threw the outhouse off the cliff last nite?"
The eldest son stepped forward and said, "Not I, father."
The middle son stepped forward next and said, "Father, I did not do
it."
Finally, the youngest son stepped forward and said, "Father, how
could you even think I would do such a thing?"

The old man spoke to them, "Sons, I want to tell you a story. Long ago
there lived a young boy. His name was George Washington. One day he
chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree. Well when his father
came home he was very upset. The father went to George and asked, 
'George, did you chop down my cherry tree?' George answered back, 
'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree.' The father 
rewarded George Washington for his honesty rather than punishing him 
for his misdeed.

"Now I want you to think about that and I will ask you the question
again." Well before the father could repeat the question #2 son
stepped forward threw out his chest and said, "Honorable father, I, 
like George Washington, cannot tell a lie. I threw the outhouse off the cliff.

The father proceed to beat the son black and blue. The son lying in a
pool of blood and tears looked up at the father and meekly
asked, "But, father, I thought you said George Washington was
 rewarded, not punished!."

The fathered glared down at #2 son and answered, "That's because
George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree when he
chopped it down."


A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility
problem. 
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal
and stand back.

The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing
dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the
cook "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight".

As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I
got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.

As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the
kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her
in that there is a big problem in the kitchen.

The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to
know what is going on.

The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I
don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the
vermicelli is standing straight up".



 George, the unemployed Porno star was looking for someone to
represent him. 

"Do you have am 8 x 10?" asked the agent.

"Shit," replied George, "if I had an 8 x 10, I wouldn't be out of work!"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  April 26, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

To all those who keep asking where those pictures were shot:
I haven't got a clue.
A subscriber sent them to me as part of a collection of best pictures.
Enjoy them, bu tplease  realize that I am not a travel agent.
Ophelia

O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became
entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued
her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him.
Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.

On their wedding night, as they undressed in their
honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said,

"You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had
gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."

"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's
how I lost the last 49 guys.




Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at
the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a
simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into
heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you."

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on your wife?"

The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never
cheated on my wife."

The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in,
but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on your wife?"

The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four-bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you
cheat on your wife?"

The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8
times."

The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a
Yugo for your transportation.

A couple of hours later the second and third men saw the
first man crying his eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the
mansion and limo!"

The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a
little while ago, and she pushing a shopping cart along the highway, 
with her clothes and a sleeping bag on it!"


 A man brought his three sons into his room and asked them, "Which
one of you threw the outhouse off the cliff last nite?"
The eldest son stepped forward and said, "Not I, father."
The middle son stepped forward next and said, "Father, I did not do
it."
Finally, the youngest son stepped forward and said, "Father, how
could you even think I would do such a thing?"

The old man spoke to them, "Sons, I want to tell you a story. Long ago
there lived a young boy. His name was George Washington. One day he
chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree. Well when his father
came home he was very upset. The father went to George and asked, 
'George, did you chop down my cherry tree?' George answered back, 
'Father, I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree.' The father 
rewarded George Washington for his honesty rather than punishing him 
for his misdeed.

"Now I want you to think about that and I will ask you the question
again." Well before the father could repeat the question #2 son
stepped forward threw out his chest and said, "Honorable father, I, 
like George Washington, cannot tell a lie. I threw the outhouse off the cliff.

The father proceed to beat the son black and blue. The son lying in a
pool of blood and tears looked up at the father and meekly
asked, "But, father, I thought you said George Washington was
 rewarded, not punished!."

The fathered glared down at #2 son and answered, "That's because
George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree when he
chopped it down."


A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband's infertility
problem. 
The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal
and stand back.

The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing
dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the
cook "just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight".

As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I
got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.

As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the
kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her
in that there is a big problem in the kitchen.

The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to
know what is going on.

The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys "I
don't know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the
vermicelli is standing straight up".



 George, the unemployed Porno star was looking for someone to
represent him. 

"Do you have am 8 x 10?" asked the agent.

"Shit," replied George, "if I had an 8 x 10, I wouldn't be out of work!"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD