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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, December 16, 2010

561 Subscribers. 
It was interesting to see that the US politicians are preparing
for the next election, and are turning their coats, like they 
did in Bush's last quarter. About all, that protects Obamanov
right now, is that the Republicans haven't got a suitable
leader, yet. 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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A country woman and her daughter were riding in an old pen
buggy one cold, blustery January day in North Dakota.

The daughter said to the mother. "My hands are freezing
cold." The mother replied. "Put your hands between your
legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did,
and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her
boyfriend. The boyfriend said. "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied. "Put them between my legs, they'll warm
up." He did, and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy
with the girl. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."

The girl replied. "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boy friend was once again driving with the
girl and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the girl is driving in the buggy with her
mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of
a penis?"

The somewhat concerned mother says, "Yes, I have. Why do
you ask?"

The daughter says, "Well, they sure make a big mess 
when they thaw out!"


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Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and
his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a
change of heart. "I suppose you're going to tell me now that
you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed.
"I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go
to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom,
all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud
husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open
your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled, she
asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next
to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why
do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh,
oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get it
enlarged."


A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring a
pair of silver shoes when a bloke sidled up beside her.

"Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you come to bed
with me."

"Okay. But be warned - I don't like sex very much."

He bought the silver shoes & took her back to his hotel
where, once again, she emphasized her lack of enthusiasm.
And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him
the slightest encouragement. So much so that he was getting
bored himself.

Whereupon, she suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and
shouted, "WOW!"

"I thought you didn't like sex!" he said with mounting
excitement.

"I don't. But I just *love* these new silver shoes!"




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The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went
home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be
awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?"
he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and
mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs
and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the
hell left the hood open?'"

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, December 15, 2010

561 Subscribers. 

Have you ever seen anybody hang gliding with a sheet of plywood?
It was windy enough for that and some kids were having a ball 
with it today. They had the plywood tied with 100 foot poly rope
to an ATV, that was slowly cruising down the street. The kid 
on the plywood was kiting up and down and I was tempted to
go out and try it too, when a hole in the wind slammed the
flying kid from about 20 feet to the pavement. 

They decided that it might be a better idea to do it on grass
and trundled off. Sure looked like fun, though!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing
weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet
disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers,
they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they
set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: 
"Insurance agent. 
Ask about our term-life package."


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A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on
what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a
pauper."

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice,
and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown
that goes right up to your neck.'  But when she asked her best friend,
she got conflicting advice.  'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V
neck right down to your navel.' "

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with
the IRS?"

"Either way, you'll get screwed."



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

 A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church 
 members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he 
 approached the house.

He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind
him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded
women moving from man to man, fondling each man's
package, and guessing who it was.

The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think
I'd fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called 
three times already!!!"


artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right
thigh, right up just below her bikini line.  She also wants
him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with
"Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.  So the guy does it
and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me
put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all
the time that there's nothing good to eat between
Thanksgiving and Christmas."




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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, December 14, 2010

561 Subscribers. 
Welcome Gloria! Welcome Ray! Welcome Big Dave!

No, Daniel, Putin is NOT a Socialist. Remember how he told 
Obama a week after his inauguration, "Ferget Socialism, Boy!
It doesn't work. You got to look ahead!"

I am not saying that Obama is a Socialist, or understands
the difference. He simply knew that after each pro enterprise
president fixes the economy, people feel there is plenty
of money for socialistic perks and they want them. So he
promised perks, even though he still doesn't have a clue
about how to pay for them. He is anti-Free Enterprise,
but he is not really a socialist, just a windbag reacting
to hecklers.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you got wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks:
"Do you want a  wittle white wabbit
or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or
maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabbit over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says
in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfhon weally givths a thit."


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One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the
other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very
beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was
handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.

After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride
broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I
think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't
even swept together!"



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

Christmas Shopping?

 

A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went
through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one
session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.

"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every
Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday". 
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and 
Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
 
 

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said  sadly, "I'm
afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." 

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" 

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't 
want anything to make her think she's welcome."



A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman
answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who
I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you
like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot
that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down
the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two
gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with
the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"



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Good Morning 
It's Monday, December 13, 2010

558 Subscribers.

What a contrast in leaders.
One gives the finger to the country and makes it tough for business,
the other gets up on stage and SINGS to raise money for 
a children's charity.
Putin sings Blueberry Hill

Putin will never be a singing star, but he had the guts to get up
on stage and sing, in a language foreign to him, and with an 
international audience watching him. I find that just as 
impressive as the way he got Russia out off and beyond 
Communism and Socialism. 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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"Send someone over quickly!!!"
the 92 year old woman screamed into the phone.
"Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied.
"I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No its you I want!" she yelled.  "They need a longer ladder!"



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Before leaving for work, a man said to his wife, "How many
times did I say to you, don't sleep with your legs apart.
One day your liver may fall out."

Next day, she apparently forgot the husband's warning. When
he saw her sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to
frighten her. He went to the kitchen, took a cow's liver,
and laid it between his wife's legs.

When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife
said, "You were right, darling. My liver fell out this
morning."

"And was it painful?" the husband said.

"When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it
back in....."



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A woman filed for divorce. The reason: her husband did not
satisfy her sexual needs.

"Tell your side of the story," the judge said to the
husband.

"When we just married," the husband said, "my wife said,
'Let's us save money for furniture.' I agreed, so I ate
only soup until we had money for furniture. Then she said,
'Let's save money for a TV set..' I agreed, so I ate only
tea, until we bought the TV set. Then she said, 'Let's save
money for a car. She switched me to water...."

"It's interesting," the judge said, "But you better tell us
about your performance in bed. Your wife complains that you
do not satisfy....."

"Citizens, Jjudges! Just give me one bowl of soup, and I'll
satisfy all of you."
 
 


This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay!
Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says,
"That will be $4.50 please."

The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's
hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, " Sssay! bbbartender,
gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $6.00
please."

The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says,
"Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile
I wwas in hhhere."

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making
fun of my humpback while you were in here."

The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so
hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."


Ethel's Diary Entries of her trip on a Cruise Ship:

Dear Diary,
MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be!
I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain
asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY: I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge
with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY: The Captain made proposals to me
unbecoming an officer and a gentleman.

THURSDAY: Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the
ship if I do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY: This afternoon I saved 1600 lives.
Twice.



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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, December 12, 2010

558 Subscribers. Welcome Bill! Welcome Lawrence!

Christmas seemed to be a lot happier occasions, when I could
afford to be generous, and in years, when I had time to make
things. Now, with two jobs to barely pay the interest, there
is no time. It's close to 6 am, and I still have to put my
laundry away, when I am done here. Feeling more Bah Humbug
than merry right now.

Oh well, still got over a week to get into the spirit.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
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Love is a sensation; 
caused by a temptation; 
to feel penetration; 
a guy sticks his location; 
in a girl's destination; 
to increase the population; 
for the next generation; 
did you get my explanation; 
or do you need a demonstration?


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Here is a classic from the days before they had lights in the trains.
Feel free to update the names with your family members' names:

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush,
Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip,
the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable
sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark
on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to
touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet
Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his
hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek
and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel
soon so I can smack Clinton again."



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

After their baby was born,
the panicked father went to see the
obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said,
"I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
upset because my daughter has red hair.
She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted.
"This can't be, our families on both sides had
jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor,
"Let me ask you this.
How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or
twice every few months"

" Well, there you have it!",
the doctor said confidently.
"It's rust."
 
 

From Sue:
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted
to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.
My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to
have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment.  Then he said solemnly,
"It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."


A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. Poking
through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and
takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie
appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his
Pepsi and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second
wish: "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside."

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing
him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish never
to have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office.




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter