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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, December 14, 2009 and the temperature is -31º by the thermometer outside my window, not by a consensus of grant scavengers. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. 'Kiss me on the lips' she said...so he kissed her on the lips 'Kiss me on the neck' she said...so he kissed her on the neck 'Kiss me on the shoulder' she said...so he kissed her on the shoulder 'Kiss me on the breast' she said...so he kissed her on the breast 'Kiss me on the belly' she said...so he kissed her on the belly 'Kiss me on the thigh' she said...so he kissed her on the thigh 'Kiss me where it smells' she said...so he drove her to New Jersey. Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here`s a big mule!" "This ain`t no mule, this here`s a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We`re diggin` a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn`t either one, it`s an ass!" An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir, we`re diggin` an asshole." 
What is THAT?
In 1874, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob." The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn right between the eyes. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars," and added with a smirk, "plus a tip." Jack and Jill went up the hill With a keg of brandy Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed Now it's Jack Jill and Andy Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing . Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass Now two of his front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill Went up the hill Both carrying a bucket. When Jill bent down Her ass was round So Jack decided to .... read a good book A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people screwing!" Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man jerking off." Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "Two women and one man screwing." The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "Me? You silly quack!! You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, December 13, 2009 and the temperature is -28º by the thermometer outside my window, not by a consensus of grant scavengers. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it." Q: How can I avoid always being handed other peoples' drooling brats? A: Drop one or two. 
Al Gore's Friends with snow on their faces
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Scotsman were out at the beach. Suddenly they spied a beautiful mermaid sunning herself in a shoal. The Frenchman walked up to her with desire in his eyes and said, "Beautiful mermaid, have you ever been keesed?" The mermaid said "No, I haven't." So the Frenchman said, "Zen I weel show you." And the Frenchman kissed the beautiful mermaid passionately for half an hour. Then the Italian spoke up. "Mermaid, have-a you ever been fondled?" The mermaid said "No", So the Italian said "Then I will-a show you." And the Italian passionately fondled the mermaid for half an hour. Then the Scotsman spoke. "Byootiful mairmaid, have ye ever been skrooed?" The mermaid said, "No, I haven't." To this the Scotsman replied, "Well ye are now, the tide went out an hour ago!" A woman, not known for her purity, was preparing for her marriage. She approached her mother for advice on how to fool her husband to be into thinking she was a virgin. "Put a cork in it and let him try to get it in. After a while excuse yourself, go to the bathroom and pull the cork out. Then return and tell him you used Grandma's Goose Grease." The wedding goes on and the woman follows her mother's advice and it works perfectly. Several days later her lineman husband was working on a telephone pole when a bird sat above him and shit on his head. He looked up, shook his fist at the bird and said "You better watch it. I'll get Grandma's Goose Grease and shove this pole up your ass!" Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright." He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." "Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, December 12, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older redneck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent. "Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner. Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!" Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did. The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes. The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone. Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent. Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man." From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice exclaim, "Daddy?" A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I frequently seduce my female patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can, so that I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to talk about anything told to me, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret." 
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?" "Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station." The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride." She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" he driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!" About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So, the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens! About 2 more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if *I* can get over this, though. She gave me $20 change!" There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go. He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks. Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time. He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?" Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for my hair appointment."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, December 11, 2009 Thanks for all your emails! Some of you, though, need to go on a strict diet of Smarties! Bubba, take your foot out of your mouth! You look as silly as you write. "..1700 scientists agree..." Think about that! They are NOT scientists to start out with, no more than you, Bubba, are a Millionaire. Scientists use empirical proof, not a consensus of bums and grant scavengers. Pretending, that a consensus of wackos makes a wacky theory a fact, might lead to a mutiny at the funny farm, but has nothing to do with real science. Maybe that is why they keep sharp objects away from you? Look at hard facts instead of believing the snivling of grant scavengers! Did the temperatures actually go up, or did you just buy a brand new snow shovel? Did the water levels rise anywhere except in your bath tub? Or did it actually drop enough for many places on the coasts getting bigger beaches? Check out the golf course in Juneau, Alaska, or the beach widening in Florida. Even in Hawaii, where they are destroying beaches with sand repellant privacy walls, the water level stayed the same or dropped slightly. So, eat your Smarties and try thinking yourself! It may hurt initially, but after a while, it becomes quite enjoyable . Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?...That's what I do." said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!" A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment, everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy armpits. This happens a few times. Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to the bartender as he passes him, "Hey! D'you see that ballerina on the other side of the bar?" The bartender gives him a nod. "Buy her a drink on me." The bartender replies, "Sure, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina." 
fallen tree. Everyone was OK but they were stranded. After 3 hours of walking they see a farm house. They walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. An old man answers the door and, after the three guys explain their situation, the man encourages them to stay, as long as nobody messes around with his 19 year old daughter. All three of them agree and go up into the guest room. The next morning the old man yells up the stairs, "you three bastids get down here NOW". They all get there and the man says, "I know that at least one of you 3 did something last night with my daughter", and ordered them all, with a butcher knife in his hand, to drop their pants. Then he says,"My daughter has very stiff pubic hairs and anyone that had sex with her would have marks on their penis." The first one drops his pants, and sure enough, scratches all over. So he chops it off in one swift slice. The same happens with the second guy, but the third has no scratches anywhere on his penis. The father expresses his gratitude as the guy says, with blood dripping from his mouth, "Cun I goa hone naw?" :There was a woman from Buffalo who challenged a fellow to show that he could pee higher than she. How could the stout fellow say no? So they went on out back of the pub. She put her puss on the wall and said "Bub, I'm goin' first... I'm about to burst," then proceeded to let go a flood. She managed about three feet high. So the bub whipped open his fly... grabbed hold of his thing, but the lady" did sing, "The rules are no hands, by the by!" An 85 year old retired Captain puts on his Dress white uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well Chief, you're doing just about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's in Hell is that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, December 10, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said to the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra....." ----- You saw THAT coming, didn't you? The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?" Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight." 
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?" The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?" "For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied. WHY M & M'S ARE WICCAN: * MM = Merry Meet* *Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons* *Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related.* *Associations with the colors: -Red = South, -Green = West, -Dark Brown = North, -Yellow = East, Orange = For the Solar God, -Light Brown = For the Earth Mother (Copper Woman) * Rotate the M & M: - M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven -3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon -W = Witchcraft, Wiccan -E = Enlightenment, Enchantment of chocolate "Melt in your mouth, not in your hand" --God/dess's love must be experienced directly to appreciate. Also, God/dess will take care of you.* *Sweetness to remind us of how sweet the love of the God and Goddess is!* A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb cluck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, both of my sisters are pregnant, and so are both neighbors, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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