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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, December 31, 2009
Thanks for voting for me!
You are definitely within reach of 15,000. please make the
effort o vote today, to reach it,
and especially tomorrow, for a strong start of 2010.
All votes get zeroed for January 1, and if we don't have
a strong start, you'll have to look for me on page two or three.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance. "Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten- minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?" "What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on Tuesday and Wednesday? DearWebby sent me this clip: BS-Wire News The ACLU and various privacy rights groups are up in arms against the new Backscatter X-Ray machines at some airports. Apparently the machines show the foamies (foam bra fillers) used by Liberals, but don't reveal the silicone or saline "investments" preferred by Conservatives. The ACLU decries that as blatant discrimination and likens the tell-tale foamie image to the yellow star, that Jews had to wear in Germany at the end of WWII. The ACLU also pointed out the cancer risk involved with the high energy Backscatter X-Ray. They claim that a typical scan at an airport can expose the victim to as much radiation as a two hour flight! Added to the exposure suffered from 50,000 hours or more per year of flying, the new type of airport X-Ray might pose a health concern. ---- Well, I sure don't have that problem! I fly less than 100 hours per year, and I don't need any foamies. 
Canadian Snowmobile Season started last week.
Deanna went to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen." A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, December 30, 2009 >From Frank >Come on, folks! >VOTE! >Maybe she will open an extra button if we reach 15,000? >It sure would be embarrassing if we are 20 or 30 votes >short. So, take a second and VOTE! >Frank Thanks, Frank! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex." "Really!" said the woman smiling. "Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?" "Well," replied the woman, "It's a lot warmer than on the freezer, just make sure there are no sharp kids toys or ashtrays sitting on it in case you get into the mood." Two Bulgarian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?" 
Betty-Sue from Arkansas is going on her first overseas trip. She drives all the way into Little Rock to apply for a passport. In the passport office, the government official sees that she is visibly puzzled filling her passport application. The passport official looks over her shoulder and sees the Betty-Sue is trying to write 'twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'. The official explains: "No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'." "In Arkansas", Betty-Sue replies, "that doesn't matter." A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets his beer and begins to drink it when he notices that the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer. Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $1 dollar bills to the bartender, the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter. The bartender is pissed, and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves. The next day the man is back, and he comes in waiving a $5 dollar bill. The bartender thinks, "Okay, business is business," and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn't say anything. Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $5 bill. The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says, "Here is your damn change." The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out ten dimes, throws them behind the counter and says, "Gimme another beer!" A large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the speakers were many well known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well. About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head, but it seemed a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "And I can't remember who she was!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, December 29, 2009 From Alana Looks like we have let you down, Ophelia! I guess, with most of your readers getting you at work and not having a computer at home, they can't vote now when it really counts. Well the shame is on them, when you wind up with seventeen votes short of 15,000, not on you. You came through every day of the year! So you lazyboys, get off your asses and vote on the few days we have left! Alana Thanks Alana! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no, just between my two big toes!" From Vern My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were stationed in Corpus Christi, TX. We were at our first OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc that was probably delivering babies in the Alamo. Nice guy, but seen it all, heard it all a million times. I was stuttering around searching for the right words to ask when we "should stop....you know.....relations?" The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!" 
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted: "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." Three of the old guys on the bus shouted, "Why?!?" Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. His house was literally right downtown. But he had no indoor plumbing. He did, however, have an outhouse. The older he got, though, the further away it seemed to get. One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch. His wife was pretty pissed about his decision. "Jon, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know." He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again. Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business. He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long." "That's right." "You went off the porch again, didn't you?" "Yes, I did." "We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors could see you, right. They'll know it was you and what you're doing out there." "Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!" A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, December 28, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Fred hired a temp while his secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, he asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is two hundred a week." Fred told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "Nooooo, with pleasure, it would be $300 a week." A man comes home chuckling, and says to his wife, "Get this, that ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one." "Hmmmmm," said the wife, looking thoughtfully off into space. "Must be that stuck up Mrs. Fulbrook on the fourth floor." 
from John "Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish." To Mary-K: DONT Worry over,what other people are thinking about you. The ones who are thinking at all, are busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance she explained that she was recently divorced and was looking for a small-ish dog for company. The clerk explained that the name of the store was "Exotic Pets" and that unfortunately they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?" he asked. The woman answered scornfully, "I hardly think an amphibian would be a suitable companion!" "Ah," replied the salesman leering...." but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained to perform oral sex upon women." At this remark the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself and arranged herself, nude, upon the bed. Parting her thighs she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she telephoned the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated! The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over. Ten minutes later he knocked on the door and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged by disrobing and assuming her former position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see?" she asked petulantly. "Yes, I do" said the man gravely. Then, addressing the frog, as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now I'm only going to show you this one last time!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, December 27, 2009 From Ruby P: Come on!! Let's get Ophelia's numbers up over 15,000 for the year. She has done a tremendous job with the 'dingbatter's news' so show your appreciation and VOTE for Ophelia! Ruby P Der Ruby It would be nice, but that would require a third of the readers to vote one day, or 86 readers to vote each day between now and January 1. I am not saying that they can't get it up, and I am quite willing to be surprised, but I am not holding my breath. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level executive position in the advertising agency. Finally, the interviewer concluded with, "I like your style Miss Benson. I think you'll do just fine. All we ask is that you put out." "Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to work or sex?" "Well, 'lil lady," he replied, "around here, if you aren't busy with one, you had better be busy with the other one." When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??" The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute,ma'am." 
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a." Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!" Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Dear Earthling, I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into the mouse you have in your hand. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass on to someone else because I'm really horny
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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