Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  December 31, 2008

We made it to10th spot at the EzineFinder.
You are a FIRST PAGE subscriber family!






Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




Fred hired a temp while his secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to
arrive at an agreeable wage, he asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is two hundred a week."
Fred told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
She shook her head and replied,
"Nooooo, with pleasure, it would be $300 a week."


A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the
street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't
know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay
with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest
are in the confessional.In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says,
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned. The priest asks, "What did you
do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box,
and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I
committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest
leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I
committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go
do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."


In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes
of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
  A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went
to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He
took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt
with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a
pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem
tings!"
  So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad
when the order was completed.
  A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards
of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in
case you want anything else made of it."
  So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his
room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his
girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
  Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
  When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and
said, "well, what'd ye think?"
  "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
  "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he
stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
  "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
  Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he
exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more
yards of it at home!"


After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was 
asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.
When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, 
she said,
"Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't 
celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did! We all held hands and danced 
around the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'
Then we flew to Las Vegas.


Danish washing machine ad.
If it does not play properly in your email, go to my site 
http://dingbatter.com
Link: 


Enough for today!
See ya next year!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 30, 2008

WE WON!
Thank you, Thank You, Thank you!
Thanks to those of you who vote for me!

We made it to 10th spot at the EzineFinder.
You are a FIRST PAGE subscriber family!

I stayed up to watch the count get updated.
Imagine me jumping up and down, hooting and hollering,
yeehawing and flashing my tee-shirt! 

Luckily my office is out here on the porch / extension, and has
2x8's for the floor, with 3/4" plywood on top. Otherwise the 
trailer would probably be in ruins.

Must have scared the Sheriff across the street, in the nice
part of town. 
However, by the time he showed up with the deputies dressed
like a SWAT team, I had settled down enough, so that I could 
very sweetly ask him if Bertha, his wife, had spiked his 
fruit cake again, or whether he had gotten into his grandson's 
hash brownies.

Speaking of fruit cake, and because you really made my year,
I went hunting for Dear Webby's Famous Fruitcake recipe, 
that he had in his Dear Webby Humor Letter a few years ago.
That took some doing! It's actually called IRISH fruit cake
recipe. I finally found it at http://webby.com/humor/irish-fruitcake.html

Enjoy!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




Bob and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. 
He asks her to "go downtown". So, with a sigh, she gets on 
her knees and starts peering at his crotch, looking and tipping 
her head this way and that, studying the whole business. 

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of 
peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?"

She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown 
with no money -
just looking."


John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the
table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
  Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table.
  Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that
John had disappeared under the table.
  After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband
just slid under the table."
  The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He
did not. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."


There was this man and woman driving down the road and they saw a baby
skunk. It was to little to be away from its mother and it was very cold
outside. the woman told the man to stop and get the skunk before it
died. 

So he did. When he got back in the car with it, It was shivering,
So the woman asked what she could do to warm him up. 
The man told her to lift up her dress and put the skunk between 
her legs to warm it up. 

Then she asked, "What about the smell?"

Smart-ass that he was, he told her to hold its little nose.

And limped all the way home.


A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband 
always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, 
and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' 
And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"

The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 29, 2008

As you can probably imagine, I am totally frazzled by the suspense
with the voting. Will we make it? YES, WE WILL!
You are the best subscriber family there is, and we WILL make it
to #10 spot and into the archive!

Thanks to those of you who vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 11th place! 
# 10 is tough to beat, we need 30 votes more votes than their voters.
I am counting on you!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, please tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to their Priest
to discuss birth control, since they already had seven children.
The husband inquired if perhaps oral sex would be an acceptable
substitute in the eyes of the Church.

The Priest explained that it was still considered a perverted act
and a sin; totally banned according to their faith.

The wife spoke up fuming, "Look Father, you no play-a da game,
you no make-a da rules!"


A dad realizes his boy has swallowed a quarter and starts panicking, 
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking 
woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the 
market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the 
sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the 
saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then 
she gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the 
market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's 
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more 
firmly. 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up 
the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. 
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks 
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as 
he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the 
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've 
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. 
Are you a doctor?" 
"No," she says. "Divorce attorney."


 A man and a woman were deeply in love. She,  being of a religious
nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he  wanted so bad.
In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove
down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. 
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him.  "Let's play a game. 
For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, 
I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed 
and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. 
At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at  
70 her panties.  

Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling  
faster than he ever had before,he became very excited 
and lost control of the car.He veered off the road, over 
an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. 

His girlfriend was thrown clear,  but he was trapped. She
tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. 

"Go up to the road and get help," he said. 

"But I haven't anything to cover myself with!"
she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his
shoes. "You'll  have to put this between your legs to cover up,"
he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman 
along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. 
"My boyfriend, my boyfriend!"
she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" 

The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, 
replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, 
I'm afraid there's no hope for him."


A working mother suspected her teenage son of bringing 
home girls after school.  So, one morning she decided to 
buy a parrot.  Entering the pet store, she asked the owner 
if he had any talking parrots. 

He replied that he has one that has been in the shop for 
years and knew thousands of words.  When she asked 
why the parrot had been there so long he told her that the 
parrot was handicapped.  It didn't have any feet. 

She wondered out loud how he hung on to his perch and the
embarrassed owner told her that the parrot just wrapped 
his penis around the perch and hung on.  

Desperate, she bought him anyway and hung the cage in her 
son's room.  After returning home that night, she was
anxious for answers.
"Did you see anything?"  she asked the parrot.
The parrot squawked, "Wrrakk! Your son
brought a beautiful girl home from school!"
The mother was upset by this and asked,
"What else did he do?"
The parrot replied, "Wrrakk! He took off all
of her clothes!"
Now she was REALLY mad and said.
"And then what did you see?"
And the parrot squawked, "Nothing! Wrrakk...
I fell off my perch!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  December 28, 2008

Today is the day to sit back and come up with some believable
New Years resolutions, so that you don't have to make up silly
ones on New year's Eve, or fall back on the old ones.

I will still try to weigh less than my refrigerator, even 
though it is not fair, that they build them so light and flimsy
these days. I will definitely be on the look-out for a good,
used, heavy duty fridge.

Thanks to those of you who vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 11th place! 
# 10 is tough to beat, we need a 130 vote jump, 
but I am counting on you!
We WILL make it onto the first page!

If every subscriber votes at least once between now and year end, 
we WILL make it onto the top page,
and show in the previous years top 10 archive. 
So, PLEASE, pretty please, take a minute and vote for me!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, please tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




Morris was standing in the lingerie store staring
at a collection of Wonder Bras.

The clerk noticed he had been there for some
time, so she walked over and asked him if she
could be of assistance.

Morris, somewhat confused answered, "Well... if it's
a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is,
or the size I want her to be?"


Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of your
fourth-story window.

Defendant: I did it without thinking, your Honor.

Judge: Thats no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it 
might have been for anyone passing by at the time?


A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps,
ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older 
woman opposite him said, 
"Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, " He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, 
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well 
want on this train." 

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the
window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag, 
threw it out the window, and settled back for a little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could 
hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking 
of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, 
"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, 
"I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it 
out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and 
pulled the train alarm cord. 

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, 
you'll get fined £200 for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years 
when the police smell your fingers."


Swine Flu ALERT

Everyone should be aware that there is a possibility of another
outbreak of swine flu during the next few months of flu season. 
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or 
members of you family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, 
you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease:
      1) Sore throat.
      2) Slight headache.
      3) Moderate to high temperature.
      4) Nausea or upset stomach.
      5) An uncontrollable urge to screw in the mud.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  December 27, 2008

It looks like Kwanza, the holiday for people, who do their gift shopping
at the Boxing Day 50% off Sales, has gone out of fashion. 
When I drove by the mall, the parking lot was nearly empty. 
The only line-ups I saw were at the gas stations. 

Thanks to those of you who vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 11th place! 
# 10 is tough to beat, that's a 350 vote jump, 
but I am counting on you!
We WILL make it onto the first page!

If every subscriber votes at least once between now and year end, 
we WILL make it onto the top page,
and show in the previous years top 10 archive. 
So, PLEASE, pretty please, take a minute and vote for me!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, please tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something 
in her ear.

"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think 
I'd let you do a thing like that to me?"

Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the
s.o.b. who found my diary on the bus..."


.A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and 
his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have 
you been?"

"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"

"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from 
burying your mother-in-law?"

"She wouldn't lie still!!"


As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and
out of heavy traffic with complete abandon.  After a few hair
raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said, "Would
you please be more careful? I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady." murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids
and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"


As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked
up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the
vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com