Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!
Relax a bit, before the supper panic starts.


Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 12th place! 
#11 and #10 will be tough to beat, but I am counting on you!
We WILL make it onto the first page!

If every subscriber voted twice between now and year end, 
we WILL make it onto the top page,
and show in the previous years top 10 archive. 
So, PLEASE, pretty please, take a minute and vote for me!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, please tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 



Uncle Bubba and Thelma heading South for Christmas


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So, the
husband offered to donate some of his own skin.  However, the only
skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from his buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed that they would tell
no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice.  She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
for everything you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay
you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek."





Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop:
"Please, Mrs.  Claus, those batteries are for the children's
toys!!"


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made
love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well,
after 20 years
the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him
out of this
crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a battery
operated
pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft, wonderful and larger than a
real one.

She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed
at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 23, 2008

1 more sleep till Christmas!
Forget about trying to find a parking spot near Walmart or
the mall. Park at the fitness center, and walk. Their parking
lot is empty this week, but I am sure it will be filled up after
Christmas, just like it was after Thanksgiving.

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 12th place! 
#11 and #10 will be tough to beat, but I am counting on you!
We WILL make it onto the first page!

If every subscriber voted twice between now and year end, 
we WILL make it onto the top page,
and show in the previous years top 10 archive. 
So, PLEASE, pretty please, take a minute and vote for me!

The number of subscribers has dropped to 349.
Wonder who got caught?

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, please tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's,
one of the largest department store chains. He shyly
walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one
type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a
sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types. The
saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation
Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you
need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference
between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really simple."
The Catholic type supports the masses,
The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the
Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."


One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot
of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her
son, Little Johnny, came running through the house,
BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.
He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the
pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think
of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he
said nothing.
The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were
one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church
secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said,
"Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what
did you put in them this time?"
Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed
the cat and shot the canary."


Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives
saw their client's wife in bed with another man.

"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."

"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be
finished?"


A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there,
he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and
the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls.
The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do
that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a
little bit first."


A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone by
a bus stop. "Hello, I must say, you are about the most
beautiful women I have ever met." 

"Thank you very much!", replied the women." 

The guy quickly follows up, "I was wondering if you'd sleep 
with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars!" the girl responds. She thinks for
a moment and answers, "yes, I would sleep with you for
a million dollars." 

"How about five bucks," responds the guy. 

"Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do you think
I am?" 

"We've already determined that," he replies.
"Now we are just haggling over the price".


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 23, 2008

2 more sleeps till Christmas!
Forget about trying to find a parking spot near Walmart or
the mall. Park at the fitness center, and walk. Their parking
lot is empty this week, but I am sure it will be filled up after
Christmas, just like it was after Thanksgiving.

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 16th place, and almost in 15th!
Cruising right along! If every subscriber voted twice between
now and year end, we would make it onto the top page,
and show in the previous years top 10 archive. 
So, PLEASE, pretty please, take a minute and vote for me!

The number of subscribers has slowly crept up to 350.
And stopped.
If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, please tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




"Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our 
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they 
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner 
with."

And now, for the male response:

"Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and 
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age 
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."


For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to
conduct a survey.  So it wouldn't be a boring project, he chose to
find out peoples' favourite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he
started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building
near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.
"Sir, what is your name ?" ; asked the student "John" ,replied the
man.
"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your
favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," Came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he
came to the next door, when he asked again.
"Sir, what is your name ?"
"Jeff !" ,said the second man.
"Sir, Would you please tell me your favourite pastime ?"
"Watching bubbles in the bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people
in the building and all of them had the same pastime "watching
bubbles in the bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were
several row houses to continue the survey.
At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens
the door.
Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"
"Bubbles !"


My neighbor's cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest
growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store.  I convinced him 
that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise 
himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all 
the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with
a beautiful young lady...  she only spoke Italian and he only spoke
English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.  He took out a
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.  She smiled,
nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.  Later, he drew
a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she
nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.  They
went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a
glorious evening.  It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the
pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he's 
never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture 
business.


 A Navy Admiral (which Navy will go unspecified) was
being court-martialed for an incident where he was
found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways
of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the
charges was that of "being out of uniform."

The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not
out of uniform,  as the regulations read: "A Naval
officer must be at all times appropriately attired
for the activity in which he is engaged."
The Admiral was acquitted.


There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed.
One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into
the local watering hole.
The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the
bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer,
"I'll have a beer and pour another one for
my friend down at the end there." 

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and 
we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy,
I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in,
well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of 
us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! 
So get him a beer and if you don't believe me,
look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's
flat from holding the roof up." 

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came 
back to talk to the Engineer:
"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the 
bruising under  his chin.What is that all about?" 

The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 22, 2008

Heard a funny rumor about the bailouts. Toyota, who has more
active car plants in the US than Ford, might be buying Chrysler, 
so that they too get bailout money. Could get interesting!

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 17th place, and almost in 16th!
Cruising right along! If every subscriber voted twice between
now and year end, we would make it onto the top page,
and show in the previous years top 10 archive. 

The number of subscribers has slowly crept up to 350.
If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 



Careful with those windows!


Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing
all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you
do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house
sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed 
women who might be a little younger than herself, since she 
is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."


A synagogue honors its Rabbi for a quarter-century of
service by sending him to Hawaii on a well-deserved
vacation, all expenses paid.

The President of the synagogue decides that in addition to
the trip, the Rabbi should have fun and he makes
arrangements to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi
at all times.

When the Rabbi walks into his hotel room, there is this
nude young girl lying on the bed and she informs the
Rabbi that she is his at any time during his vacation.

The Rabbi, stunned and extremely embarrassed, demands to
know who arranged this little situation, and of
course, the girl is compelled to tell him.

The Rabbi immediately picks up the phone, calls the
synagogue, and gets through to the President of the
congregation.

'Where is your respect'? he growls. 'How could you do
something like this?'

'I must be held in high esteem by each and every member
of this congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very
angry with you!'

As he continues to berate the President, the girl rises
sheepishly from the bed, not wanting to further embarrass
the Rabbi.

As she stands, the Rabbi says 'Where the hell you going?
....I'm not mad at you!'


A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her
husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it
was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said
that
she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then
told
her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal
sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get
pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "Can you get 
pregnant from anal sex?" 

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think
politicians come from?"


A man walked into a therapists' office looking very depressed, "Doc,
you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old
and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I
just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on
your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man
seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit
excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on
his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of
the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does!"


 A man upon meeting his ex-wife after two years of
separation:  "Listen honey, why don't we have a few
drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make
out?"
Ex-wife:  "Over my dead body!"
Husband:  "Sounds like you haven't changed a bit.
OK, let's go!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  December 20, 2008

I noticed at Walmart that they got rid of more than half a dozen
of those self-service check-outs. It seems that amateurs
are too slow for the Christmas rush. 

I also noticed that Chinese 6 foot Christmas trees, with 400 lights
already pre-installed, are $40 cheaper than real 6 foot trees, 
with no lights. Looks like the tree Chritmas tree nurseries
will need a bailout pretty soon too!

Heard a funny rumor about the bailouts. Toyota, who has more
active car plants in the US than Ford, might be buying Chrysler, 
so that they too get bailout money. Could get interesting!

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 17th place, and almost in 16th!
Cruising right along! If every subscriber voted twice between
now and year end, we would make it onto the top page,
and show in the previous years top 10 archive. 

The number of subscribers has slowly crept up to 350.
If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 



In case you want to get hammered this Christmas


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face 
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa


A man and woman were getting married but neither one of them knew
what to do on their wedding night. They went to the Rabbi for advice
and the Rabbi told the young woman to undress and get on the Rabbi's
bed and he would show them what to do.

The young woman undressed as she was told by the Rabbi and preceded
to get on the bed. The Rabbi then began to show them the steps
involved in making love that first night. When he was finished, he
said to the young man, "Now you can take her home and practice what I
have shown you."

The young woman said, "Wait a minute Rabbi, show him again what to
do...he is a little forgetful."


You know that Salvationists dont drink booze of course, but they
often visit pubs selling the magazines and raising money.

There was one little old lady Salvationist collecting outside a pub,
and the weather was typical English December, freezing cold, snow, and
a wind that came from the Arctic.  Paddy was going in to the pub and
stopped to put some money in the lady's tin, and asked her to come in
and have a drinkt o get warm.  She was horrified!  Oh No! I couldn't
do that.

"Go on" says Paddy it'll do ye good.

"Oh no", I couldn't do that£ she says

Paddy saisy " Tell ye what, I'l get you small whisky and biring it
out to you, How's that?"

"Oh no, I couldn't do that. What would people think if they saw me
drinking!"

Paddy says "I know, I'll get them to put it in a cup for ye, then
people will think you're drinking tea. How will that be now?"

She says " Well,... if you think it would warm me up, maybe I'll try
a little one with you. And God Blee You for a good christian"

Paddy goes in, and says to the barman, will you give us apint now,
and could you put a small whiskey in a teacup for me please?"

The barman says " Nah, that's my gramma out there, and she
had six cups already."


From Sandie

Dear Employees: 

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown 
of the economy, Management has decided to implement a 
scheme to put workers, 40 years of age or older, on early 
retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged 
People Early).  Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to 
management to be eligible for SHAFT (Special Help After 
Forced Termination).  
 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be 
reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering 
Retired Early Workers).  A person may be RAPED once, 
SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many times as 
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS 
(Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES 
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).  
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be 
SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
 
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive 
as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.  
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT 
it gives its employees.  Should you feel that you have not 
received enough SHIT, please bring that to the attention of 
your Supervisor.  Supervisors have well been trained to give 
you all the SHIT that you can handle.
Sincerely, 
The Management


One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came
out and said,  "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that
you'd like to ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your
family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com