Good Morning 
It's Friday,  December 19, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 19 place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!




Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




A young Aussie was enjoying his first night in Rome drinking
cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat beside
him.

"Hello," he said. "Do you understand English?"
"Only a little," she answered.

"How much?" he asked. "Fifty dollars," she replied.


Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So,
how's life been for you?" Ed asked.

"Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer,
my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with
another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison
for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus,
my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car
rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog
put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable
disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust."

"Shit, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were
you in?"

"I sell good luck charms," said Ted.


A postman calls on a regular customer and is surprised to find
hanging in her lounge a large white sheet with a hole in the middle
of it.

"What's that in aid of?" he inquired.

"Well," the housewife blushed, "we had a big party here last night
and after midnight things got a bit silly. In this game", she said,
taking the sheet down, "a man would put his equipment through the
hole, then the women came in and tried to identify the owner of the
equipment. It was a
scream!"

"I'll bet it was," remarked the mailman, "wish I'd been there."

"You should have been," she said, "your name came up three times."


There was an old professor who started every class with a
vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, all the
women in the class decided to walk out the next time he
started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he
walked inand said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the
one about the shortage of hookers in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies.", cried the professor. "The boat doesn't
leave until tomorrow!"


The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" 
as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were 
willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and 
repeated his question. This time he received a response 
of eighty percent.Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen
minutes and repeated his question. 

With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one 
old gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?

"Eighty six.."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a
man can live to eighty six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's
easy. I just outlived the B's and SOB's."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 18, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 19 place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

The weather warmed up to a more seasonal -12.
I dug out the outside Christmas lights and might put them up today.
Who knows, I might get into the spirit yet.


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of 
unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying 
to get him to change. One day John came home with another 
one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed 
was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old 
son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours 
late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting 
home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit 
project," said Tommy. 
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, 
knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us 
where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went 
around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his 
chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the 
floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched 
an R-rated movie."

"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, 
I never lied to my parents." 
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack 
that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha! doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, 
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with 
Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and 
knocked her out of her chair.


He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said,
"My heart is broken.  I saw you with another man yesterday."

"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my husband,
you know there's no one but you."


Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about 
your declining health?"

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't afford
cigarettes."


Three women are gathered and the subject of conversation
turns to sex and then birth control.

The first woman says, "We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm
method."

The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer
method!"

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?"
the others ask.

"Well... I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot
two.We make love standing up. He stands on a bucket and
when his eyes get as big as saucers I kick the bucket out
from under him!"


During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the
chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear
him down. 

The chief told the young policeman that whenever he was
feeling too tense, he'd go home and screw the living hell out of his
wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled
him to return to work with a much better outlook. 

The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded 
like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped. 

The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things 
were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning 
he had experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's
suggestion, with great success. He felt great. 

After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly 
halted at the door and said,
"Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to 
pick up some lamb chops for dinner."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  December 17, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 19 place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

The weather warmed up to a more seasonal -12.
I dug out the outside Christmas lights and might put them up today.
Who knows, I might get into the spirit yet.


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 



Somebody has to do it!

Jill was attending her High School reunion and was having a blast. As
the evening was drawing to a close, the master of ceremonies for the
night proceeded to hand out bottles of champagne to the graduates who
had traveled the farthest distance to attend the reunion, the graduate
who had been married the longest time, the graduate who had become the
most successful, etc. And Jill wondered if she was going to get a prize
too. Sure enough, the master of ceremonies called out her name. "Jill,
you win with 11 kids." and then, trying to be clever, he added in "And
champagne is only half the prize. The other half is a giant, economy
size bottle of aspirin."

"Don't bother with the aspirin," Jill replied. "Isn't it obvious with these
many kids, that I've never had a headache in my life?"


A boy and a girl were behind a barn one day.

The girl told the boy, "I have to quit eating chicken,
because I am growing chicken hair."

The boy in disbelief said, "let me see." So the girl pulls
down here pants and panties and says "see". "You sure do."
said the boy.

Well the boy says "I have to quit eating chicken because I
am growing chicken hair too." The girl says, "let me see."

The boy pulls down his pants and underwear and the girl
says, "It's too late for you, you already have the neck
and gizzards."


The boss was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them. They left
the office for her place and made passionate love
all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep,
and woke up hours later, at about 8 pm. As the
boss threw on his clothes, he told his secretary
to take his shoes outside and rub them through
the grass and dirt. Though mystified by his
unusual request, she complied nonetheless. Then,
the boss quickly slipped into his shoes and raced
home.

"Where have you been!" demanded the boss's wife
when he finally entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with my secretary and we've been having
sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and I woke up
just minutes ago. I raced home as quick as I
could."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,
"Don't lie to me, you bastard! I know you've
been out playing golf again!"


Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a
Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people
say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is
a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people
say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence.

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard
bodied stripper. When he walks into a room,
the women, 'Oh my God...'"


A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a
small island. As he regained consciousness on the
beach, he noticed a beautiful, unclad nymphet
standing over him. "Would you like some food?"
she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna'
ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra
hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came
back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Would
you like something to drink?" she asked.

"Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry
and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She disappeared into the woods again and returned
Sometime later with a bottle of 75-year-old
single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman was
beginning to think that he was in heaven! Then,
the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said
"Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf
course here too!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 16, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 19th place! After they reset the votes
to zero on January 1st, Dear Webby, watch out!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

It warmed up nicely here, to -21, but it sure is windy.
With any luck the wind will blow most of the snow
to the country, where they claim to have Gullible Warming.


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 


Grampa's Christmas Tree

Super-computer 
They say that the new super computer knows everything. 
A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" 
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back 
with: "Your father is fishing in Michigan." 

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this 
was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." 

No, replied the super computer immediately. Your mothers 
husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just 
landed a three pound trout." 


Every morning Custer rode through the Indian
Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful
Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian 
chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised 
vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.

Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief 
means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of 
the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!"


Thanks to Lisa for this story:
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone 
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. 

"Is Mike there?" I asked. 

"He's in the shower," she responded. 

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. 

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again.  This time a man 
answered.  "This is Mike," he said. 

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. 

"I know," he replied.  "That's what I've been trying to tell my 
wife for the past half-hour."  


The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did really poorly.

"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester."


The new Oklahoma preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty.  One day
he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to
service lately.


He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.  When she
answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"  "No, ma'am," he replied.
"I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
Twitty.

Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street.  It turned
out to be the residence of a young widow.  At the time that the Reverend
knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower.  Hearing the
knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and
threw it open.  When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands-which
allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young
and luscious curves on display.."Oh my God!" she exclaimed.  "It's
Conway Twitty!"

The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."
---------
Could we conclude at that point he became a lay minister? 


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 15, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 20st place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Lovely moon tonight, but at  -34 outside, I will admire it from
inside. Was outside briefly to bring a hot toddy and a smooch 
to the fella with the snow blower, wo did my sidewalk for me.
That wind was biting hard! I sure was glad to get back inside. 


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




It has been determined that having sex before participating in
athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the
athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops,
gotta run!"


Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to
Atlantic City.  One group is all brunette and the other is
all blonde.

Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the
brunettes hang out on the bottom level.

The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and
having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't
hear anything from the blondes upstairs.  She decides to go
and check on them.

When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes
frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat
in front of them.

"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here?  We're having a GREAT
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes replies through chattering, frightened teeth,
"Yeah, but you have a driver!"


From Donna
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. "What do you think?" I asked.  "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?" 
"Better get a bikini," he replied.  "You'd never get it all in one."


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. 

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' 

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.' 

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' 

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' 

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 
'Who drives you to the beach?'


Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of
affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a
lack of affection at home. However, women know, if a man strays, 
it's because men are @#$%&@#$%s!


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com