Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  December 10, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.



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of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

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That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord
because he lost the rent money playing poker," Jill stated to Lin.

"You didn't do it, did you?" asked Lin.

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add,"
Jill replied.  
"What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband, that the rent is
paid up for six months!"



The golfer stood at the edge of the water and attempted to
pitch the ball over it.  It went in.  A voice boomed out from
above.... "USE AN OLD BALL".

He dropped a new ball and put that one in the water.  The voice
again boomed out from above ....."USE AN OLD BALL".

He proceeded to hit a half dozen brand new balls into the water.
 Each time the voice boomed out from above "USE AN OLD BALL".

Finally he looked up and said "What's an old ball?"


A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small
town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house
calls. As they went in the first house the father said now you watch me so
you will know what to do.

Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor
checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor.
He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so
hard in her house, she just needed rest.

When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning to much.
The old doctor said when he dropped his pen that the floor was so clean,
there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.

When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his
turn  to play doctor. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking
terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few
questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to
pick it up. Then he told the woman she was doing to much church work and
needed to cut down on what she did.

When the doctors got outside the old doctor asked the young one how he knew
she was doing to much church work.

The young one said, "When I bent down to pick up my pen I saw the preacher
under the bed."



Not now, Ernie!


Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of
children came up. The bride said she wanted three children,
while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the
husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly,
"After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I
hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."


Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.

For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape;
likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to
be any one of these.


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
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the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, 
there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, 
except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 9, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 334 in the subscriber family now. Not making any
progress there. I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends! Don't be afraid that they will steal
your thunder. If you don't, somebody else will bring them in 
out of the snow, and they will get the credit, instead of you.

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Difference  
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential. 
  
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!"



Tanya goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and down
the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her head, her 
ears, her breasts, and her crotch. 
  
After doing this a for a number of aisles a store clerk 
approaches her and ask if she is having a problem. She shakes 
her head and says "no."
  
Perplexed he asks why she stops at each aisle and touches 
her head, ears, breasts, and crotch. 
  
"Oh" says Tanya, "I'm just trying to remember my grocery list."  

Puzzled, he asks for an explanation, so she goes through the 
motions again. 
  
She touches her head and says, "Head of lettuce."   
Ears. "Two ears of corn." 
 
Breasts. "Two chicken breasts."
  
Crotch: "Fantastic." 


The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time
that she understood the facts of life. "Ann," she began, "I think it
would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you
know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..." "It might be interesting to
hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really
want to know is how to fake an orgasm."





The newly wed was invited out for a night with the "boys". He told his
wife he'd be home by midnight. Hours passed and the beer was 
going down way to easy. Around 3 am and drunk as a skunk he 
headed home. 

Just as he got in the house the cuckoo clock started up and 
cuckooed three times.

Quickly realizing his wife would probably wake up he cuckooed 
another nine times. He was really proud of himself, coming up 
with a quick witty solution even while smashed. 

The next morning his wife asked what time he got in and he told 
her 12 o'clock.   It didn't seem to bother her at all. 

"Whew," he thought, "I dodged that bullet." The wife then told
him they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked why 
she replied:
"Well, last night it cuckooed three times, said "oh, f***", 
cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed 
another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more 
and then farted."


A handsome young man walks into a drugstore which is
owned and run by two old spinster sisters.

The man said to the two old women, "Every time I see a
woman, I get the urge to hug and kiss her, and to make
mad, passionate love. Is there anything you can give me
for this?"

The two old women whispered to each other for a moment,
and then one of them replied, "My sister and I will give you
$40 a week and the two-room flat above the shop..."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, 
there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, 
except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 8, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 334 in the subscriber family now. Not making very
good progress there yet. I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends! Don't be afraid that they will steal
your thunder. If you don't, somebody else will bring them in 
out of the snow, and they will get the credit, instead of you.

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful 
you were to your wives on Earth.

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my 
wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I 
had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down 
truck that barely moves.

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, 
just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong 
turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. 
For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped 
my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts 
every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times 
a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! 
For that, I give you any car you desire!

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they 
see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his 
Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying 
your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at 
your car, man! What is your problem?!

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"



A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son
to college. Once there, he began to let his hair grow long, plus
sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his hair was luxurious enough
to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a
note that read: "Do you like my hair style? Do you think it makes me
look like a count?"
 -
"The idiot!"  the old man, yelled to his wife,  "Here we're crimpin' an
savin' and spending a fortune on his education and he can't even learn
to SPELL!"


A young farm-girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour standing
there.

"My paw ain't home," the young girl says, "but I know what you want and I am
sure I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my paw
charges one hundred and fifty dollars fer his best bull."

"That's not I want," growled the neighbour

"We also have a young bull who is just starting out. My paw charges one
hundred dollars fer him," she replies.

"That's not I want either," growls the neighbour.

"Well then, we have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job.
My paw charges only fifty dollars fer him." she informs him.

"That's not what I want at all. I came here to see your pa about that-there
brother o' your'n.  Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant," the
neighbour hisses.

"Oh. I guess you'll have to see my paw about that then, 'coz I don't know
what he charges fer Elmer."



She keeps the seat inside, and warm.


A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer
approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious 
about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer . . .  I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life 
or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."


At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he
is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother
quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him
$40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the
whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail,
opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, 
there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, 
except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  December 7, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 330 in the subscriber family now. Not making very
good progress there yet. I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends! Don't be afraid that they will steal
your thunder. If you don't, somebody else will bring them in 
out of the snow, and they will get the credit, instead of you.

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their
sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to 
watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. 

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches 
them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't 
get them mixed up gain, she cuts out a ring from a piece of 
cardboard and glues it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot
takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says,

"I see she caught YOU at it, too!"



At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from 
the class, and she discovered Little Johnny with a cat under 
his shirt. She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?" 

Little Johnny started crying. "I'm trying to save his life. 
I woke up this morning to hear the mailman tell my Mommy,
'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!'"


There's this guy, he runs a nightclub, he needs a pianist to
tinkle the ivories during the dinner shift. He finally finds
someone, and on this guys first night he comes in, and plays
a beautiful composition. The manager comes up to him and
says, "That was beautiful, what do you call it?"

The pianist replies, "Its called I love you so much I could
shit."

The manager says, "Uh... OK, play another". The pianist
plays another beautiful piece, and the manager again asks
what it was called. "That one's called muscle of love baby."
says the pianist, who then takes a bathroom break. When he
comes out, he's forgotten to close his zipper. The manager
walks up and says, "Do you know your fly is open and your
penis is hanging out?"

The pianist grins and says, "Of course I know it, I wrote it!!"





The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about
his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could
locate
the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was
that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.


They blindfolded them carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then he
felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was
right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their
car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion
Shot with a .416 rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved
his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally
he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell
of a shiner. So he said to his wife, I know I was drunk last night, but
not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get
this black eye?

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties.  Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe!!!


From Michael:
We just found out that my wife is pregnant. I did the math, 
and according to her due date I was out of town at the time 
of conception.

I am amazed. I can't believe it. I will finally make it into the
Guinness Book of World Records, 
for impregnating my wife via phone sex!


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, 
there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, 
except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  December 5, 2008

No Gullible Warming here! -18 C outside, and even in the mall
it was rather chilly. All the guys in town were grinning and 
noticing that I was pointing. Fine by me. I enjoy that a lot more
than snickering about my wide load in the rear.

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 322 in the subscriber family now. 
Not making progress there.
Growth seems to have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A teenage boy and his grandfather were fishing one day. While fishing,
the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The boy
acknowledges this and starts talking about the various problems and
diseases going around today. 

The teen says, "Gramp's, they didn't have a whole lot of problems 
with too many kids when you were young did they?" 

The grandfather replies, "Nope." 

The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for birth control?" 

The old guy replies, "A wedding ring."


 Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
 Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.



"What's your father's occupation?" asked the
teacher on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or
sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."





I over heard my secretary interviewing a woman for a job in the assembly
department of the company. 

She asked her "How many children do you have?" The applicant answered,
"Fo'." 

My girl asked, "May I have their names, please for the insurance forms
please,?" 

The woman said, we call them, "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Laughing my secretary said,  "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named
your fourth child 'George'?" 

The woman looked up and said,  " Well that's cuz we didn't want any Mo'."


An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel for their
honeymoon. 

The Amish woman went to the front desk and asked for a room,
while he unloaded their stuff.

She said this occasion was very special to them and they needed 
a good room. 

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal? 

The Amish woman thought about it a while and then replied, 
"No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto his ears until he gets 
the hang of it.


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, 
there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, 
except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.