Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 3, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 322 in the subscriber family now. 
Not making much progress there.
Growth seems to have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

If a barber makes a mistake,
It's a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident.

If a engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture.

If parents makes a mistake,
It is a new generation.

If a politician makes a mistake,
It is a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake ,
It is a new theory.

If our boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake..

If you make a mistake,
It is a @#$% SCREWUP.


Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and
kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group
of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as
much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the
evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got
back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for
your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm
sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the
beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old
dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back
and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole
got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her
off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I
warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted
her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she
split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.



A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress
takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms. The man
says "What the hell are you doing?!" She replies "I'm defrosting them!"

The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my
hotdog!"





A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It
lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office
had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG
convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar
XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with
it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was
tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her
long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio,
what could possibly go wrong?

Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car
slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and
concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what
was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone
call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull
up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was
purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do 
I have to do that?"


Groaners:

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids instead of asteroids?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 Where are we going?  And what's with this handbasket?


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

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your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  December 3, 2008


Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 319 in the subscriber family now. 
Growth seems to have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother.
"Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband
happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honour,
and respect each other, making love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to have great sex, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. 
"I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna".


A gentleman is playing golf one fine afternoon. On the 11th tee he
violently slices his ball into the buttercup field. After spending the
alotted 5 minutes he finally finds his ball. Upon addressing the ball
for his next shot he hears, "Don't you dare ruin my buttercups."
Ignoring this he addresses the ball again, and one more time he hears
the same voice.
"Who is that?" he asks.
"This is Mother Nature and if you take your ball out of the buttercups I
will give you all the butter you want for the rest of your life."
"That's fine," he says. "But where were you on No. 5 when I was in the
pussy willows?



Two stockbrokers went to lunch. The one said to the other, 
"Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other 
than the market for once."

"Good idea. Let's talk about women."

"Okay... common or preferred?"





A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired,
in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to
come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the
general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." 

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the 
ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general 
a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, 
spanked his general's wife on her bottom and said, 
"OK, sweety, it's back to the village for you."


A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the subject
turned to their husbands.
One lady said "My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's
going to go to hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for
one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything. And
they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely you're
going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me a ticket
straight to hell!"
They were shocked and asked why.
"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 2, 2008
Lots of fresh snow. No Gullible Warming around here!
I might even have to shovel the sidewalk in the morning.

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 315 in the subscriber family now. 
Growth seems to have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter 
and subscribe your friends!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me.
My beautiful wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to
Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who 
asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. 
Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's Bar?"


Linda is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on 
her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such 
a tattoo and in that location. 
She responds, 'It's really cool. 
If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.'



A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change,
and then goes back and says to the cashier,  "Hey, you gave
me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier.
"We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing
I can do about it now.  That's the policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like
to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."





A female police officer pulled over a man
for DUI; and said, "You are under arrest.
Anything you say can and will be held
against you."

The drunk appeared to be thinking for
a moment.  He then slowly announced,
"Tits."


From Elsie
Here's another way of attracting a sales person
during the busy holiday season.

My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-
age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we
didn't have batteries.  He stepped over to a counter to get
the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk.

I waited for a little while then said "I'll get a clerk over
here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape
measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a
clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach
my side in jig time.

To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of
those batteries over there."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 1, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to voe for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.

We got 314 in the subscriber family now. Growth seems to 
have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter and subscribe friends!


Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia
Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.





My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A Romanian village priest has made an appeal to his young
parishioners asking them to abstain from having sex in the
church's steeple.

Priest Cristian Teodorescu from Dabuleni, Dolj county, told
Evenimentul Zilei: "When I come to the church, especially
after the weekend, I cross myself to what I see.

"There are used condoms everywhere. I even found some hanging
on the bell's chain."

Residents leaving near the church have confirmed the allegations
but police said the practice brings big money to the local budget.

Head of local police Lucian Sfetcu, said: "We give out hundreds
of fines for this activity."


My face in the mirror
Isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty.
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never.....

Put my glasses back on.


A young couple decide to tie the knot and went to the doctor
for physical exams. Afterward the doctor calls the young
man into his office and told him he had some good news
and some bad news. "The good news," he explained, "is
that your fiancée has gonorrhea."

The guy paled. "If that's the good news, then what
the hell is the bad news!?"  "Well,"  the doctor
elaborated, "the bad news is that she didn't get from you."





Obama is spending his first night in the White House.
 
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Obama
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
 
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
 
"Ouch!" Says Obama, "I don't know about that."
 
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
appears... Obama says, "How can I best serve
my country?"
 
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
 
"Ohhh! I REALLY don't want to do that. After all, they
elected ME!"
 
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears...Obama says,"How can I best serve my
country?"
 
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."


In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's
not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm
eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to twenty dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the twenty on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the
connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer,  I've sold 34
stray cats so far this week."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  November 29, 2008


Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia
Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.



We got 313 in the subscriber family now. Growth seems to 
have stalled.
I hope that you will forward my newsletter and subscribe friends!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A young pretty female school teacher had been telling her 
class about the value of being observant and said, 
"Now children, look at this grandfather clock;
what does the clock have that I have too?" 

One little girl stood up and said, "It has a face." 

Another girl raised her hand and said, "It has hands." 

"Splendid," said the teacher, "now what has the clock that I 
haven't got?" 

After a long silence, a boy rose and with a reddening face, 
said, " I'm pretty sure you don't have a  pendulum, Miss."


From Isolda
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my  toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran  amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.  To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you sucking Daddy's  pee-pee last night!" 

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. 
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up 
the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank  with my 
daughter in  tow. The last thing I heard when the door 
closed behind me were screams of laughter.


Also from Isolda
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds  of  golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I  was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."




My brother-in-law's last stand


Becky was still feeling a bit weak and not up to par after 
her recent bout with the flu and  went to see her Doctor. 

After a quick examination, he said, "You look weak and 
exhausted !  What have you been doing?"

Are you getting out in the fresh air, getting enough exercise, 
and having your meals three times a day as I advised 
you on your last visit?"    

Becky, looked up, a bit surprised and exclaimed , 
"Oh Doc, I've sure been getting the first two, but on that 
last one,  I could swear you said three males a day!"


This man stops over to visit his grand parents, during a hot 
spell, and finds his grand father standing in front of the air 
conditioner without any pants on.

Man says: Gramps, what are you doing? You don't have 
any pants on."
Grandfather says: "It's your Grandmothers idea" 
"Yesterday it was so hot I stood here without my shirt, 
and woke up with a stiff neck"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com