Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 16, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 19th place! After they reset the votes
to zero on January 1st, Dear Webby, watch out!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

It warmed up nicely here, to -21, but it sure is windy.
With any luck the wind will blow most of the snow
to the country, where they claim to have Gullible Warming.


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 


Grampa's Christmas Tree

Super-computer 
They say that the new super computer knows everything. 
A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" 
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back 
with: "Your father is fishing in Michigan." 

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this 
was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." 

No, replied the super computer immediately. Your mothers 
husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just 
landed a three pound trout." 


Every morning Custer rode through the Indian
Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful
Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian 
chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised 
vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.

Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief 
means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of 
the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse either!"


Thanks to Lisa for this story:
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone 
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. 

"Is Mike there?" I asked. 

"He's in the shower," she responded. 

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up. 

When he didn't return the call, I dialed again.  This time a man 
answered.  "This is Mike," he said. 

"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. 

"I know," he replied.  "That's what I've been trying to tell my 
wife for the past half-hour."  


The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did really poorly.

"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester."


The new Oklahoma preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty.  One day
he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to
service lately.


He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.  When she
answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"  "No, ma'am," he replied.
"I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway
Twitty.

Eventually, he came to the house at the end of the street.  It turned
out to be the residence of a young widow.  At the time that the Reverend
knocked on her door, the young widow was taking a shower.  Hearing the
knock, she just wrapped a towel around herself, ran to the door and
threw it open.  When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands-which
allowed the towel to fall to the floor putting all her wonderful young
and luscious curves on display.."Oh my God!" she exclaimed.  "It's
Conway Twitty!"

The preacher just smiled and said, "Hello, Darlin."
---------
Could we conclude at that point he became a lay minister? 


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 15, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 20st place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Lovely moon tonight, but at  -34 outside, I will admire it from
inside. Was outside briefly to bring a hot toddy and a smooch 
to the fella with the snow blower, wo did my sidewalk for me.
That wind was biting hard! I sure was glad to get back inside. 


Thanks
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




It has been determined that having sex before participating in
athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the
athlete's performance.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries.

After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops,
gotta run!"


Two groups charter a double decker bus for a weekend trip to
Atlantic City.  One group is all brunette and the other is
all blonde.

Once upon the bus, the blondes head upstairs and the
brunettes hang out on the bottom level.

The brunette group has a ball. They're whooping it up and
having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't
hear anything from the blondes upstairs.  She decides to go
and check on them.

When she gets up to the top deck, she finds all of the blondes
frozen in fear, staring straight ahead, each clutching the seat
in front of them.

"Whoa, whoa -- what's going on here?  We're having a GREAT
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes replies through chattering, frightened teeth,
"Yeah, but you have a driver!"


From Donna
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice. "What do you think?" I asked.  "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?" 
"Better get a bikini," he replied.  "You'd never get it all in one."


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. 

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' 

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.' 

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' 

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' 

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 
'Who drives you to the beach?'


Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of
affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a
lack of affection at home. However, women know, if a man strays, 
it's because men are @#$%&@#$%s!


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  December 14, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 21st place !

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

-26 here right now. Might stay indoors, unless the sun comes out
or the wind slows down.


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 




A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from
his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of
himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist
colony, he cuts a photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of the photo.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong
half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight
is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely do have
inherited the Hinkley nose and cleft chin, but your sideburns
look like you slept in a hay loft.
Love, Grandma."


A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of 
turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little
boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in
the world, it's called turpentine." 

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world 
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it 
on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."


A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like
this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't
beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but
met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she
met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't
beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great
in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"


A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the 
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats 
are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too 
cold. The accommodations are awful.
 
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good 
luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney 
Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today 
and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back 
tomorrow." 
 
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have 
some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the 
stupid stone." 
 
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone 
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune." 
 
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed. 
 
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."


A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks
him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the
doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  December 13, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 22nd place. #21 is a gay travel magazine.
I don't think you will have any problem leaving them in the dust.

Subscriptions seem to be stuck. For every new subscriber I
get a letter from somebody else telling me they had to 
UNsubscribe because they are not allowed newsletters at work,
and that they will read it on-line.

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

Well, we got more snow. No gullible warming here. By April 1
ice age panic will probably become more fashionable.
THEN, just to prove them wrong, it will warm up. Betcha!
Farmer's Almanac says so too.

I am going to put up my Christmas tree tomorrow and wire
it to my computer. Dear Webby talked me into getting a $16
computer interface for my X10. No more hunting for the key
fob remote control to turn outlets on and off. Now I can 
control the whole house right from the keyboard, totally 
blonde-proof! Theoretically I can even do it over the Internet,
but I might have to read the instructions for that. We'll see,

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 





"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man
said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her
size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in
his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly
smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the sales girl queried as
she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a
bra and panties."


A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down
together and engaged in animated conversation. The lady
sitting behind them ignored them at first, but her attention
was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.

'Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come
together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.'

'You foul-mouthed swine,' the lady screeched indignantly. 
'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Imma justa tellun my
friend, the bishop,  how to spella Mississippi.'


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a 
nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of 
her nightgown and say  "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her
gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and  finally answered, 
"I'll take the soup."


Lisa asked me what to do if her boyfriend starts smoking.
I told her to slow down a bit


Bob, a trendy dresser, fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was
delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a
girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph.

"How romantic," he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this
mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a
photo.

Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I
was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  December 11, 2008

Thanks to those of you who figured out how to vote for me!
We are making progress at the EzineFinder.
We are already in 24th place, and will pass #23 today!

If you have any idea about how I can increase the number 
of subscribers, PLEASE tell me!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Thanks to Roland for this story:
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage 
bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags 
and every once in a while a twenty-dollar-bill falls out onto the pavement. 
  
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are twenty-dollar-bills falling 
out of your bag."
  
"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can 
collect them. Thanks for the warning!" 
  
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop.  "How did you get all that money? 
You didn't steal it, did you?"
  
"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the 
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans 
come and pee through the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I go and 
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone 
sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say, ' $20 or off it comes.'"
  
"Well that seems fair," laughs the cop. "What's in the other bag?"
  
"Well," says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."



Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard 
talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked 
the first boy. 
"Tommy," replied the second. 
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" 
asked Billy. 
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." 
"Honest?" asked Billy. 
"Nah, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.


Little Jonny did not go to school one day. The next day when
the teacher asked him why, he said "Our cow was on heat, so
I had to take her to the Bull". "How disgusting". said the
teacher. "I am sure your father could have done that".

"No ma'm, he couldn't have", said the little sod. "For a cow, 
it has to be a Bull".





The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
attention as he checked into the resort hotel. The following
morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room,
looking great with a big smile on his face.

He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast. He laughed and
joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young
wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
out.

She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left
for their room.

This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I
can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me
he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he
was talking about money!"


Bob was having extreme headaches for 3 months. He went to
the doctor for help. The doctor told him his balls were
putting pressure on his spine and that was whats causing the
headaches. The doctor also said his balls would have to be
removed.

After the surgery Bob was walking home and was feeling
depressed. He decided to get some new clothes to make him
feel better. The tailor guessed all of his measurements
correctly.

"Thats amazing!" Bob said. The tailor replied, "now for your
underwear.....I would say about a 36".

Bob chuckled to himself. "Nope 34" he said. "Thats
impossible", the tailor replied, "that would cause you balls
to put pressure on your spine and cause one hell of a
headache!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com