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Good Morning 
It's Monday, November 29, 2010>

527 Subscribers.

It's warming up quite nicely. Right now it's -10, but by
afternoon it's supposed to get close to Zero (32F)

Like most Canadians I find it amusing that the people in the 
US make a big deal about celebrating Independence Day,
but hang on to the British Imperial System quite fanatically.
You tell me why!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	

Ruth was complaining to her doctor at the annual checkup, "I'm
losing my urge to make love."

"Mrs. Murphy, it's quite natural and understandable. After all,
you are eighty-four," said the doctor. "But please tell me,
when did you start to notice the change?"

"Last night," she answered, "and then again this morning."

"Aha!" exclaimed the physician. "Your problem isn't a diminished
sex drive. What you need is to be coupling at least fifteen
times a month. Anything beyond that is entirely optional."

After thanking him, she headed home, eager to let her husband
know her doctor's prescription. "Guess what? He says I need it
fifteen times a month, at least!"

Putting in his dentures her husband said, "That's great, honey.
Put me down for four."


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The Mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not only not
quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't even seem to be
selective. Trying to open a conversation on the subject of morals she
asked, "Susan, do you know where bad girls go ?"

"Sure Mom." the daughter replied. "Anywhere they want!"


  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and
realized halfway across that the camel they were using for
transportation was about to die. They set up a makeshift
camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no
avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot and
they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally
the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about
to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here
on earth-to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off
your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so,
she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it,
I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking
off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly
the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing
hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift
from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it in
the camel!"
 
 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked
the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no
problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one
in four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need
them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want
it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."



A girl goes to the barber with her dad. She sits down in a
barber chair next to him. She proceeds to eat a Twinkie.

The barber cutting her dad's hair looks over and says to the
little girl, "Honey, you're getting hair all over your
Twinkie."

The little girl replies, "Yeah, I know. I'm getting boobies,
too."



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Good Morning 
It's Monday, November 29, 2010>
Thank you, Carl!

527 Subscribers.
There sure is a lot of griping going on about the porno-scanning
and the groping at the airports. I agree, it is a stupid hassle,
meant as a deterrent, not to actually catch anybody, but I
find shuffling along for an hour in the slow moving line-ups
before security a lot more hassle than 20 seconds of groping.

If they hired enough gropers, so that the line-ups would be 
shorter and faster, people would not be already thoroughly
pissed off, by the time they get to the groping station.

As for the porno scanners, that is silly. Even if I WAS 
wearing foamies, it's just airport security, not a dating
agency or marriage brokerage, and I wouldn't date one
of those characters anyway. They might be OK away from
the airports, but somehow I doubt it.

Well, hopefully, by the time I can afford to fly again, 
they have speeded up the line-ups and the silliness will
have calmed down.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely
pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked
around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was
about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared and told her that
swimming was prohibited because there was pesticide and
fertilizer run-off in the water.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she 
scolded him.

Undressing is quite OK, and you can sun-tan as long as you want."
he replied, "Just don't swim in that",


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Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch.
In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.
"Dang," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."


  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks, the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and
difficult to handle. When he examined her, the zoo
veterinarian determined the problem: She was in heat. What
to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators
noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the
animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample
ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright.
So the zoo administrators thought they might have a
solution.

Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female
gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: Would he
be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks?

Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to
think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her, and
second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may
result from that."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions,
but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me a couple of weeks 
to come up with the five hundred bucks!"
 
 

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's
liberty.


The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to
receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation
owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming
of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, 
handsome, unmarried officers.
They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite
southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies.
One last point:
No, Mexican's. We don't like Mexican's."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door.
She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely
mannered, smiling black officers. 

Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, 
"There must be some mistake!"
"On no, madam," said the first officer, 
"Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."



A group of four men often got together to play racquetball.  After
the game, three of the men showered in the locker room, and then
went and had a few drinks in the club bar.  After this had been
going on for some time, one of the three men asked the man who
always left, "How come you never hang around and get showered
and have a few drinks with us?"

The fourth man seemed a little embarrassed, but he admitted that
he didn't want to be seen in the shower with the other men 
because he felt his penis was small.

So the first man asked, "Does it work?"

"Of course," said the fourth man, "it works extremely well."

So the first man asked, "Would you like to trade it in for one 
that looks great in the shower?"



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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, November 28, 2010>

527 Subscribers.    Welcome Pat!

Snow forecast for today, but not too cold.
I was looking forward to buying some cross country skis at 
the end of the season. Today I saw this old-timer dressed
in snazzy ski clothing, including ski poles, quick-marching
up the sidewalk. Big grin on his face, but no skis.

Skis would not have done him much good anyway, because
the sidewalk had some bare sections.

As we passed I complimented him on his nice air skis.
He laughed and told me, that they are on sale right now.
I think I'll get me a pair!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"
"Don't Miss me, mister."
"Well OK, then make it 13."


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The nurse at the Pathology Clinic was getting a bit beyond it. 
She was approaching retirement and was continually getting 
things mixed up.

One day, a young man came to the laboratory for a blood test. 
After a few minutes, the pathologist looked in on the nurse 
and his patient. There she was, rapidly stroking the very 
happy young man's firm erection.

"Good God, NO!" shouted the pathologist. "Stop it at once! 
I said, 'prick his finger'."


  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

On a recent flight I sat next to a lady who was on her way to meet
a guy she had met over the net. She sat there during most of the
flight messing with her make-up. She put on eyebrow pencil, eye
shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, foundation, mascara, toner, blush
and stuff that I have no clue what it is called. Then she turned to
me and said, "Does this look natural?"

Well, the truth was that soap and water would have made her look
a lot better than all that make-up. So I told her: "If your friend
starts looking closely at your war paint, take that as a sign that
you have your blouse buttoned up too high."
 
 

Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.

For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; 
likewise, a baby baboon will become an adult baboon.

A baby pig will mature into a full grown pig.

A baby jackass will always become a jackass.

Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up 
to be any one of these



Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows.
The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is
doing. Johnnie replies, "I'm watching if that bull will 
fuck the black cow."

The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say
that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the
parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the
preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull
SURPRISE the black cow?"

Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He fucked the white one!"



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Good Morning 
It's Friday, November 26, 2010

526 Subscribers.

It warmed up quite nicely today, and by evening we had a brief
Chinook type West Wind, 60 km/h gusting to 100.
Six days from now, Toronto and Chicago are gong to have
a bit of a problem.

It didn't last long enough to melt much snow, it just settled and
shrunk it to half the height.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	

Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like
to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle
of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun, too!"

"Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father
Reilly. His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary
Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way
home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary
Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her
side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father
Reilly's constipation!"

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he sees me, he's
gonna shit."



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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about 
psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.   

The husband turned to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch 
of crap.  I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy 
and sad at the same time.”

She said: “Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis…”


  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

One day poor old Lena decided she didn't want to be in this world any
longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to
shoot herself in the heart...but she didn't know just where her heart
was. She called a doctor for the information.

The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four
inches below the left nipple.

Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised
to regain consciousness in a hospital.

"I should be dead!" she wailed.

"Don't worry, lady," the orderly answered, "your knee will mend before
you know it!"
 
 


A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on
the sofa.

The wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit
close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear" she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold
me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me
and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the
room. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"Well," answered the husband, " I have to go and get my
teeth."


A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse
with his dog following.  He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a
tree.  The Redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied
under the tree.  The Redneck cowboy tells him that its his.  The policeman
says; "Your dog is in heat".

The redneck cowboy answers; "No way the dogs in heat; he's cool, cause he's
tied under the shade of the tree".

The policeman says; "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred".

The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says; "No way the dog needs bread,
he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning".

The policeman finally gets mad and says; "Look, your dog wants to have sex".

The redneck cowboy looks at him and says "Go ahead, I always wanted a
police-dog".



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Good Morning 
It's Friday, November 26, 2010

527 Subscribers.
A few people tried to subscribe, but have not clicked on
the confirmation request. Until you click on that and thereby
proof, that you or your ISP is not blocking me, you won't
be subscribed.


When I lamented about no turkey this year, an older friend
gave me this tip for a fake turkey.
Mince an onion and brown it in a skillet.
throw some carrots into the blender and purree them.
Put two cups of oatmeal in a bowl, add salt, pepper,
meatloaf spice, chicken soup mix and sage and mix it well. 
Add the browned onion and carrot purree, some oil and
about two cups of water. Stir it and boil it for 10 minutes.

Line a quart pyrex measuring cup with tin foil and pour the
goop into it. Let it cool and set. 
Put it into the oven and bake it for 15 minutes, then use the
tinfoil to gently ease it out of the measuring cup and upside
down onto a pie plate, peel the foil,
pour a quarter inch of turkey soup stock
(water and soup mix) into the pie plate, and bake it 
five minutes more at max top heat to brown and crisp 
the outside. 

I did it, and mashed up a boiled potato to go with it. 
No cranberry jelly, but I thawed out some tart forest 
raspberries, that were just fine for flavor contrast.

It sure was a goofy looking turkey, it looked like a 
shriner's hat, but the taste was great!
Well worth the effort! Actually, it was a lot less effort
than a real turkey, and I stuffed myself, have enough
left-overs for another meal or two, and it was within my
budget. What more can I ask for?

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	

Rick's mother was speeding north on I-75 when she noticed a Michigan
State Police car behind her with it's flashing red lights on.  She was very
nervous, as she had never been stopped in Michigan before and didn't
know what to expect.

The trooper approached her car then asked if she knew why he had
stopped her.  She said, " Oh, I bet I know why you stopped me.
You want to sell me tickets to the policeman's ball."

The trooper then told her that "Michigan State Police don't have balls."

Rick's mother lost it and she started laughing uncontrollably.
The troopers face turned bright red.  He turned about on his heel,
marched back to his car and took off with squealing tires.



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A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white,
marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward.
He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?"

The nurse says, "She had twins."

He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show,
that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire
in the furnace."

She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both
of the babies are black."


  
 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

In Linda's late forties her father died and she came into a lot of money.  
The father had kept a tight lead on her and she had never dated,  had  sex
or anything to do with a man like that.  So with her new found wealth she
hired a detective agency to find her an attractive man about her same age
who had never had a woman so they could start out even.  

Not an easy task.
They looked all over this country,  then started overseas.  Finely after
many month search they found a man way off in the outback, raised by natives
that they could certify had never had any relations with a woman.  They
contacted him, told him of the woman's generous offer of cash.  If he would
come to the states and marry her.  

He accepted and they were married.  

On the wedding night the woman went into the bath to get ready for bed.  When
she came back out every bit of furniture was pushed and stacked in a corner,
the main room bare.  

She asked,   What is going on.  This is to be the most wonderful night of 
our lives and you have moved all the furnishings to the corner?"  

He said, "Oh this will be a wonderful night.  I have  never had a
woman but I have dreamed, as you have,  about this night for 
years and let me tell you we are going to need all the room 
we can get if it turns out to be anything like with a Kangaroo
 
 


That reminds me....

One doctor tells another.  "I just have to talk to some one I am so guilt
ridden."  

Second doctor says, "Well you can tell me I have a lot of doctors
confiding in me,  maybe I can help."  

"Well for years and years now I have been having sex with my 
patients every chance I got and I just have to get it off my chest."  

"That is not too strange a lot of doctors I know have sex
with their patients, However, I will admit not many of them 
are vets."


Three women were having a drink on the patio of their
country club when the door to the men's locker room blew
open, exposing a man who was wearing nothing but a towel
over his head.

"Well, it's not my husband," said the first woman after
looking.

"He isn't mine either," said the second.

After a long look, the third woman said, "He isn't
even a member of the club!"



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter