Good Morning 
It's Monday,  November 23, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

from D.
When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma,
leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the
little town where we lived (She was only about an hour away and I
was very responsible for my age). 

My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday, on Sunday
morning we woke up and started to have sex. We got very involved
and she started screaming very loudly, then we heard the toilet
flush in the next room - my mother had come home for a Sunday
lunch! 

When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my
mother was sitting at the dining room table and asked "Did your
father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?" 

He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I
said "No mom, he did not." to which she replied, "I didn't think so,
we were married for 28 years and he never made me scream like
that!!"


Mrs. Trent, seated in her living room, heard the back
door slam. Thinking it was her young son, she called,
"I'm in here, darling. I've been waiting for you."

There was no answer for a moment and then a strange
voice faltered,
"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I ain't your regular milkman."



I want one of those Handy Bikinis!



When the Creator was making the world, He called man aside
and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was
horrified! "Only 20 years!" he complained. But the Creator
didn't budge. That was all He would grant him.

Then He called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I
don't need 20 years," said the monkey, "10 is plenty." Man
spoke up and said, "Can't I have the other 10 years?" The
monkey agreed.

Then the Creator called the lion and gave him 20 years. The
lion said he desired only 10 years. Again, man asked,
"Can't I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," roared the
lion.

Then came the donkey. He, too, was given 20 years and like
the others said 10 years was all he needed. Man asked again
for the spare 10 years and again received them.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10
years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and
10 years of making an ass of himself.


A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the
front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on
her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store
to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave
ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing,
replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry over
three hundred models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa
pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt
tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk wwwithhh '3 D Cells' wrrrrrittten
ohohohonnnn thhhe bobobobootttom?"

The clerk responds, "We sure do!".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo
ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"


A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the
man's lap.  Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is
getting you excited, too.  But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're practising on my popsicle!" the man replied.


The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about
crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.

"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good
aircraft,' " the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because
they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its
men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied.  "The Army
figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna
be too dumb to bitch about the salary."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  November 22, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye.
It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a
Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke,
but he said to himself, 'it's worth a shot.'

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the
Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough,
there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the
man found that the car ran perfectly.

When he got back to the lady's house, he asked her,
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only
$500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just
ran off with his secretary, and he told me, 'You can
have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche
and send me the money...


A lovely young lady entered the office on her lunch hour and
addressed a young man in a white coat.
"Doctor, I've had a pain in my shoulder for a week. 
Can you help me?" 

"Lie down on this table," he said, "and I'll massage it for you." 

After a few minutes, the patient exclaimed, 
"Doctor, that isn't my shoulder!"

The young man smiled and replied, "No, and I'm not a doctor, either.
The doctor is next door."



Birth Control Pill Reminder picture



A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man
comes in and asks the farmer,
'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'

Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my
cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she
took her left leg and kicked it over'

Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '

Man: 'So then what happened?'

Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the
left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk
her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right
leg and kicked it over. '

Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'

Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right. '

Man: 'And then what.'

Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just
as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked
over the bucket with her tail.'

Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'

Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'

Man: 'So then what did you do?'

Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off
my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my
pants fell down and my wife walked in.'


Two nuns were given the task of painting one of the rooms in the convent
that was being renovated. They were also strictly warned that they were to
absolutely not get any paint on their uniform.

Having given it some thought, the nuns decided that the best way to keep
from getting paint on their clothes was to remove them and paint in the
nude. So, they locked the door, removed their uniforms and began painting
the room.

After a while, there came a knock on the door. Startled, one of the nuns
called out "Who is it?" The reply from outside the door was "Blind Man.".
The nuns looked at each other and figured "Aw, what the heck. He's blind"
and they opened the door for him. The blind man entered the room and said,
"Nice tits , where do you want these blinds?".


Below are instructions on how to clean that delightful little
fur-ball, the CAT.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water,
and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
the lid. (You may need to stand on the lid so he can not escape.)
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge,
as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash
and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and quickly lift both
lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside,
where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
The Dog


As I was on the way home from a long and stressful day
at the office, the car phone rang. It was my husband.

"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?"
he asked.

"What a lovely way to spend an evening," I thought. I
was about to tell him how considerate he was when he
continued, "Because if you're not, I need to start
adding more water to the tub."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  November 21, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off
at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally
this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he
was, he resumed his stance.

As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran
past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his
stance.

Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat,
but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was
ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway,
he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His
companion knew and told him:

"Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental
hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the
fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to
see who can catch her and wrestle her down, and the winner gets 
to carry her back.''

"What about the bucket of sand?''

"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his
handicap.''


John comes home all excited with this bottle and says
to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed
to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied, 
the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's 
never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."

"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let
me look at the directions for use."

John hands over the bottle. Jill reads the label and exclaims, 
"Ohhhhh, now I see why that would work indeed!. 
The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"






The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman.
The next day someone asked him how things had gone.

"She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.

"Really?"

"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't"
and "stop" and "quit that."


A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk
man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and
holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about
'They took my car!'.

Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a
real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the
man.

"What seems to be the trouble sir?"

"My car, it was right here on the end of my key, and those
bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God,
it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it
and it was right here; right on my key!

"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands
the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out).

"Er . . excuse me sir, but your dick is hanging out, would you
please put that thing away!"

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams,

"Oh my God! they stole my girlfriend too!"


In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of
age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a
tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.  He took
the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with
this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of
matching underwear for it.  I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the
order was completed.

A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.  "Here's ye
kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the
material left over.  Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you
want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and
donned his kilt.  In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's
house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said,
"well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as
he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, 
he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five 
more yards of it at home!"


There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that
the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.  But there
was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home.  He was a small man,
and he had tattooed on his penis the word SHORTY.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps
with him.  She comes back to work the next day smiling.  The other nurses
ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with
SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, SHORTY'S
RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."

"Wow!" they say.

"ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," Valerie continues.  "ALL BAKING DONE ON
PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  November 20, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned
about her husband's smoking.  She told me that she had
finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at
home to only those times when they had finished making
love.  She had gotten the idea from a classic movie
they had both seen on TV.

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
"Just great ! Now how do I get him to smoke more ?"


So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single
whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend
here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt
pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he
drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his
whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks
the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves
the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in
Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."






A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the
field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor
to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have
three new ones at the barn."

"Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing
this field with that bull?" asked the salesman.

The farmer replied, "This is part of the bulls continuing education, I
am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing
down fences."


What are the worst three words you could hear during sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"


Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's ole lady had been
pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the
doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and
the doctor looked over at Bubba and said,  "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a
son! Ain't dat grand!" Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, "Hold  on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then
delivered a little girl. He  said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter! She
a pretty lil ting, Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor
said, "Hold on,  we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered
another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had youself  another boy!" When Bubba
and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife
and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we
had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do". Bubba said, "Man,
it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"


Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field,
when he met a sheep.  Hopping up to the sheep, he said,
"I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?"

The sheep replied,  "I'm a sheep, and you're not
a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way,
looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he
hopped along the field. Soon he met a goat. Hopping up
to the goat, he said, "I'm a dirty little bastard, who
are you?"

The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a little
dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry
way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers
as he hopped along the field. Then he met a horse.
Hopping up to the horse, he said, "I'm a little dirty
bastard, who are you?"

The horse replied  "I'm a horse, and you're not a
dirty little bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry
way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers
as he hopped along the field. Eventually, as Billy
hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest
little girl bunny that you have ever met. She
knocked his socks off.  Billy hops up to her, cleared
his throat, and said, "I'm a dirty little bastard, who
are you?"

She looked at him, smiled and said, "My name is
Christeen, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name?
Why do you say you're a dirty little bastard?"

Billy said, "My name is Billy, and I am a dirty little 
bastard. Everyone says so."

Christeen turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and
said, "If you can't talk decently, go away!" And so saying
she turned around and started to eat some grass.

Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy.

Afterward Christeen jumped up and said, "Why, you little dirty
bastard!"

Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  November 19, 2009



Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking
sailor were shipwrecked on a remote island.

One morning the sailor climbed up a tall coconut tree and
yelled, "Stop screwing down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked when the
sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love!"

"Sorry" said the sailor, "From up there it really looked
like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled up the same
coconut tree and yelled the same thing.

Finally, one morning the husband decided to climb up the
coconut tree and see for himself. With great difficulty he
made his way to the top and looked down... then says to
himself, "Oh my God, he's right!!! It does look like they're
really making love down there!!!"


David comes home from work early one day and discovers his
wife giving the paperboy a blowjob. He starts screaming and
yelling at her. "How could you give the paperboy a blowjob
when you know dam well it's the milkman we owe money to?"






A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady.
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and what time I want...
and I don't want any hassle from you!

I expect a great dinner on the table unless I tell you
otherwise!

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I
want, with my buddies... and you won't give me a hard time
about it!

Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride looked him straight in his eyes and said, "No
that's fine with me! Just understand that there'll be sex
here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or
not!!!"


The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend
in another city.

When she returned her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy guess what?! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in
your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next
door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then
Daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand over Sonny's mouth and said,
"Not another word... wait until your father comes home and
then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told
me!"

As the father walked into the house his wife told him, "I'm
leaving you!!! I'm packing now and..."

"But why???" asked the startled father.

His wife called their son and said, "Go ahead Sonny. Tell
Daddy just what you told me."

"Well..." Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet
and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got
undressed and got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and
they did the same as  what you did with Uncle John when 
Daddy was away in summer."


Safe Fax

Q.  Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A.  Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
     people who fax strangers every day.

Q.  My parents said that they never had fax when they were young,
      and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they
      were 21.  How old do you think one should be before they fax?
A.  Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct
     procedure.

Q.  If I fax something, will I go blind?
A.  Certainly not, a s far as we can see.

Q.  There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax.
       Is this legal?
A.  Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
      pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q.  Should I always use a cover when faxing?
A.  Unless you're really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet
     should be used to insure safe fax.

Q.  What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and fax
      prematurely?
A.  Don't panic.  Many people prematurely fax when they haven't
     faxed in a long time.  Just start over.  Most people won't mind if
      you try again!

Q.  I have a personal, and a business, fax.  Can transmissions be
      mixed up?
A.  Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover
     sheet with each and every one, you won't transmit anything that
     you are not supposed to.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com