Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  November 21, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

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Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off
at the third hole, when a beautiful naked lady ran past. Naturally
this distracted him somewhat, but the true committed golfer that he
was, he resumed his stance.

As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran
past. "What's going on here?" he thought, once again taking his
stance.

Another distraction as a third man went running by in a white coat,
but this man was carrying two buckets of sand. Eventually, he was
ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway,
he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His
companion knew and told him:

"Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the mental
hospital beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the
fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to
see who can catch her and wrestle her down, and the winner gets 
to carry her back.''

"What about the bucket of sand?''

"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his
handicap.''


John comes home all excited with this bottle and says
to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed
to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied, 
the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's 
never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."

"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let
me look at the directions for use."

John hands over the bottle. Jill reads the label and exclaims, 
"Ohhhhh, now I see why that would work indeed!. 
The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"






The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman.
The next day someone asked him how things had gone.

"She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply.

"Really?"

"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't"
and "stop" and "quit that."


A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk
man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and
holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning something about
'They took my car!'.

Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a
real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the
man.

"What seems to be the trouble sir?"

"My car, it was right here on the end of my key, and those
bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God,
it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it
and it was right here; right on my key!

"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands
the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out).

"Er . . excuse me sir, but your dick is hanging out, would you
please put that thing away!"

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams,

"Oh my God! they stole my girlfriend too!"


In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of
age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a
tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.  He took
the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with
this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of
matching underwear for it.  I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the
order was completed.

A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.  "Here's ye
kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the
material left over.  Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you
want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and
donned his kilt.  In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's
house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said,
"well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as
he lifted his kilt to show here.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, 
he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five 
more yards of it at home!"


There was a very unusual hospital where one of the main treatments was that
the nurses would take the male patients home and sleep with them.  But there
was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to take him home.  He was a small man,
and he had tattooed on his penis the word SHORTY.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and takes him home and sleeps
with him.  She comes back to work the next day smiling.  The other nurses
ask what she could possibly be so happy about after sleeping with a guy with
SHORTY written on his penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes aroused, it says, SHORTY'S
RESTAURANT AND PIZZERIA."

"Wow!" they say.

"ORDERS TO TAKE OUT," Valerie continues.  "ALL BAKING DONE ON
PREMISES...ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  November 20, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned
about her husband's smoking.  She told me that she had
finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at
home to only those times when they had finished making
love.  She had gotten the idea from a classic movie
they had both seen on TV.

After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
"Just great ! Now how do I get him to smoke more ?"


So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single
whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend
here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt
pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he
drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his
whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks
the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves
the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in
Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."






A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing the
field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a tractor
to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have
three new ones at the barn."

"Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing
this field with that bull?" asked the salesman.

The farmer replied, "This is part of the bulls continuing education, I
am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and tearing
down fences."


What are the worst three words you could hear during sex?
A. "Honey, I'm home!"


Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's ole lady had been
pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the
doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and
the doctor looked over at Bubba and said,  "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a
son! Ain't dat grand!" Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said, "Hold  on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then
delivered a little girl. He  said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter! She
a pretty lil ting, Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor
said, "Hold on,  we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered
another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had youself  another boy!" When Bubba
and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife
and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we
had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do". Bubba said, "Man,
it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"


Billy, a little bunny rabbit, was hopping down the field,
when he met a sheep.  Hopping up to the sheep, he said,
"I'm a dirty little bastard, who are you?"

The sheep replied,  "I'm a sheep, and you're not
a dirty little bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry way,
looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers as he
hopped along the field. Soon he met a goat. Hopping up
to the goat, he said, "I'm a dirty little bastard, who
are you?"

The goat replied "I'm a goat, and you're not a little
dirty bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry
way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers
as he hopped along the field. Then he met a horse.
Hopping up to the horse, he said, "I'm a little dirty
bastard, who are you?"

The horse replied  "I'm a horse, and you're not a
dirty little bastard, you're a bunny."

Billy just shook his head and continued on his merry
way, looking at the clouds and smelling the flowers
as he hopped along the field. Eventually, as Billy
hopped along, he came across the cutest, prettiest
little girl bunny that you have ever met. She
knocked his socks off.  Billy hops up to her, cleared
his throat, and said, "I'm a dirty little bastard, who
are you?"

She looked at him, smiled and said, "My name is
Christeen, and I'm a little bunny. What's your name?
Why do you say you're a dirty little bastard?"

Billy said, "My name is Billy, and I am a dirty little 
bastard. Everyone says so."

Christeen turned her pretty little nose up into the air, and
said, "If you can't talk decently, go away!" And so saying
she turned around and started to eat some grass.

Billy hopped on and shagged her like crazy.

Afterward Christeen jumped up and said, "Why, you little dirty
bastard!"

Whereupon, Billy smiled and hopped away.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  November 19, 2009



Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking
sailor were shipwrecked on a remote island.

One morning the sailor climbed up a tall coconut tree and
yelled, "Stop screwing down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband asked when the
sailor climbed down. "We weren't making love!"

"Sorry" said the sailor, "From up there it really looked
like you were."

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled up the same
coconut tree and yelled the same thing.

Finally, one morning the husband decided to climb up the
coconut tree and see for himself. With great difficulty he
made his way to the top and looked down... then says to
himself, "Oh my God, he's right!!! It does look like they're
really making love down there!!!"


David comes home from work early one day and discovers his
wife giving the paperboy a blowjob. He starts screaming and
yelling at her. "How could you give the paperboy a blowjob
when you know dam well it's the milkman we owe money to?"






A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady.
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and what time I want...
and I don't want any hassle from you!

I expect a great dinner on the table unless I tell you
otherwise!

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card playing when I
want, with my buddies... and you won't give me a hard time
about it!

Those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride looked him straight in his eyes and said, "No
that's fine with me! Just understand that there'll be sex
here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or
not!!!"


The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend
in another city.

When she returned her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy guess what?! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in
your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next
door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then
Daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand over Sonny's mouth and said,
"Not another word... wait until your father comes home and
then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told
me!"

As the father walked into the house his wife told him, "I'm
leaving you!!! I'm packing now and..."

"But why???" asked the startled father.

His wife called their son and said, "Go ahead Sonny. Tell
Daddy just what you told me."

"Well..." Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet
and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got
undressed and got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and
they did the same as  what you did with Uncle John when 
Daddy was away in summer."


Safe Fax

Q.  Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A.  Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
     people who fax strangers every day.

Q.  My parents said that they never had fax when they were young,
      and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they
      were 21.  How old do you think one should be before they fax?
A.  Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct
     procedure.

Q.  If I fax something, will I go blind?
A.  Certainly not, a s far as we can see.

Q.  There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax.
       Is this legal?
A.  Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
      pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q.  Should I always use a cover when faxing?
A.  Unless you're really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet
     should be used to insure safe fax.

Q.  What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and fax
      prematurely?
A.  Don't panic.  Many people prematurely fax when they haven't
     faxed in a long time.  Just start over.  Most people won't mind if
      you try again!

Q.  I have a personal, and a business, fax.  Can transmissions be
      mixed up?
A.  Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover
     sheet with each and every one, you won't transmit anything that
     you are not supposed to.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  November 18, 2009

There's no trick to being a humorist when you
have the whole government working for you.
--- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas . Bert always wanted
a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them
and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely undressed except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."


Hard to believe, but many of our customers at the bank
still don't know how to swipe their card through the ATM
card reader. Because of this, my fellow tellers and I often
find ourselves having to explain how it's done. 

One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every time
she explained it. I found out why when I overheard her
tell one man, "Strip down facing me."



Not again!



A pretty lady was visiting the new doctor in town for
the first time. She found herself alone in a small waiting
room. She began undressing, preparing herself for the
upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of
her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap
sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude
patient up and down carefully and with considerable
appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite
obvious to me that you are used to the complete eye
examination, not just the short one I had scheduled
you for. I better cancel all other appointments for
the rest of the afternoon."


A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly
irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from
the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun
of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the
gall to run his hand across the older man's pate
while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's
butt."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also
felt his gleaming head.
"You're right," he said, "it does! Your wife sure does have
a smooth one."


A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run. When he
delivered the milk at one house, a beautiful woman answered
the door wearing a transparent nightie. This happened every
morning from Monday to Thursday.

On Friday the milkman couldn't take it anymore, so he zipped
down his fly and took out his penis fully erect and he rang
the doorbell to deliver the milk. To his surprise a man of
six- five, 250 lbs and with a hairy barrel chest answered
the door. The quick thinking milkman said, "If you don't pay
for your milk today I'll piss all over your porch!".


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  November 17, 2009

"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
-- Groucho Marx
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Doc: "George, you're a 71-year-old man and may have lost interest
in sex. There is nothing that I as your doctor can do to help you."
George:
"Nope, but your nurse sure could!"


A friend of mine was in the hospital, about to give birth to her first child.
When I telephoned to see how she was doing and ask if the baby 
had arrived safely, the nurse said it had and my friend was doing fine.
"Did she have a boy or a girl?" I asked.

"I'm sorry," the nurse replied, "privacy laws will not allow us to give 
out that information."

"All right, I can understand that," I said. "Let me try this: Can you tell 
me what she *didn't* have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the prompt reply.






A foursome of guys are waiting at the men's tee while a foursome 
of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.  The ladies are taking their 
time.  When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. 
Then she goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it 
another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. 
 
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 
"I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, 
you should have taken golf lessons instead!" 

He never had a chance to duck ..


This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, 
regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen:  I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years,
and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.  I am
tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a
14-mile trip.  I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed
by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:
"Dear Sir:  We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of
our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.
The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:
"Gentlemen:  I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones
who are confused in your history.  If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass...
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last twenty-two years!

Yours truly, A Commuter"


Science was a breath of fresh air
Within my whole High School career
The only school class
Where you could smell gas
That wasn't from your classmate's rear


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com