|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, November 14, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Many years ago, in a place where such things were allowed, a man decided to divorce his 40-year-old wife and marry two 20-year-olds. Within a few weeks, however, he was back with his original wife. "What happened to your two 20-year-olds?" a friend asked. "It seemed like a good idea," the man said, "but I found I'm not wired for 220." A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life." So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks. "You gave me the wrong key!" 
"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Rosey to Nina. "But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Nina responded. "He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant." This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out. An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away til she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left. The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe. "Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare." The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy." The Ladies at Church Jill: What's that book you're reading? Mary: SEX AFTER FIFTY. Jill: Is it good? Mary: It's terrific! And the book's not bad either. Jill: Oh! Where did you get it? Mary: My friend Rick gave it to me. Jill: He gave you SEX AFTER FIFTY? Mary: Um-hmm, and before 50 too!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
 Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software © Webby 1996-2009 |
92941
| permalink |
( 2.9 / 169 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, November 13, 2009 "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." --- Oscar Wilde Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. About fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy. Ten minutes later the boy returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. So she wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" she asks. "Well, Mom, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cide." Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there." That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please, tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look." The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine." Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me." 
Well, since both sides claim it was a success, why don't they
put thier money where their mouth is and keep it up for a few years?
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic! Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "the machine was programmed to release automatically once it's collected two gallons of milk." I was waiting in a check-out line the other day and a couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. I was kinda listening until I heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote." With a furrowed brow I asked, "What's a scrote?" Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole." A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon....!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software © Webby 1996-2009 |
92693
| permalink |
( 3 / 174 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, November 12, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It's not that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "All the beer is in the boat on my trailer!" A missionary heard about a native who had five wives. He paid a visit to the native's hut, and sure enough there were five wives. The two men sat outside the hut and talked. The missionery said "You are violating a law of God. Man can only have one wife, so you must go and tell four of those women that they can no longer live here or consider you their husband." The native thought a few moments, then said, "I'll wait here. You go tell 'em." 
In The Daily Telegraph this morning TRUE STORY. There's a town in Hertfordshire (UK) called Tillit. In Tillit is a pub called "The Cockwell Inn". The publican there is a lady called Lucy Likes. Her address is:- Miss Lucy Likes The Cockwell Inn Tillit Herts. What is the ideal weight of a senator? About three pounds, including the urn. Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies? Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny. Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear. Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all? Mother: A swallow!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software © Webby 1996-2009 |
92478
| permalink |
( 3 / 165 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?" "Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano...!" Apparently the reason England has not joined the rest of Europe in adopting the Euro as the common European currency is that they are worried that in the quaint way they talk in England,"spending a pound" would be changed to "Euronating". 
REDNECK DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS Anti-Body against everyone Artery study of paintings Bacteria back door to a cafeteria Barium what to do when treatment fails Bowel letters lik A E I O or U Caesarean Section a district in Rome Cardiology advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan searching for ones lost kitty Cauterize made eye contact with her Colic sheep dog Coma punctuation mark Congenital friendly D & C where Washington is Dilate to live long Enema not a friend Fester quicker Genes blue denim slacks Genital non-Jewish Hangnail coat hook Hemorrhoid a male From outer space Herpes what women do in the Ladies Room Hormones what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid Impotent distinguished, well known Inpatient tired of waiting Labor Pain hurt at work Medical Staff a doctor's cane Minor Operation coal digging Morbid a higher bid Nitrate cheaper than the Day Rate Node was aware of Organic organ repairman Outpatient a person who has fainted Paralyze Two far-fetched stories Paramedics Twin medicos Pharmacist person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Post-Operative letter carrier Protein In favor of young people Recovery Room place to upholster furniture Rectum what happened to the Corvette Rheumatic amorous Saline where you go on your boyfriend's boat Secretion hiding something Tablet a small table Terminal Illness getting sick at the airport Tibia country in North Africa Tumor an extra pair Urine opposite of You're Out Varicose nearby Vein conceited "In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it." So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.... It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software © Webby 1996-2009 |
Remember the heroes who died for our country!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
92247
| permalink |
( 3 / 148 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, November 10, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!" Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight." Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes!" Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45." Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, golf left-handed." One of the guys quipped, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45." 
Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty exciting. The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire at the university, where young co-eds jumped naked from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded pretty exciting. The third retiree began his story, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up. I knew I couldn't take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could." The old man paused. "You talk about excitement," he continued, "I was in the wrong damn room!" A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. ''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.'' Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.'' The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'' For his wife's birthday party, a plumber ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better." When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom." It wasn't until the good plumber was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software © Webby 1996-2009 |
91990
| permalink |
( 3.1 / 166 )Back Next
Avatar
