Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  November 29, 2008




Please vote for me!      Vote for Ophelia


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We got 310 in the subscriber family now. Growth seems to 
have stalled. The blog, however, seems to be gaining readers 
quite nicely. My friend and mentor Dear Webby tells me that
people read my newsletter at work, where they can't get regular
subscriptions.

I still hope that you forward my newsletter and subscribe friends!


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Thanks
Ophelia

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At one point during a Little League baseball game, the coach 
called over one of his young players and asked,  "Do you 
understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win 
together as a team?" 

The little boy again nodded yes. 

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or 
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack 
the umpire. Do you understand all that?" 

Once more the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.  "Now go over there and explain 
that to your mother."


There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and
delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help. The wise old
Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold
their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a
good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about
how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your
mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

The young priest decided to take the advice. The 
following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in
the arms a hot woman," he paused. The congregation was totally
transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come
next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good 
she made him feel. 

Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in
conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was
recommended by the Bishop!"


During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn.  The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that
taking the blood wouldn't hurt much.  Then, noticing my Air
Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician
smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I
thought."



DeWalt parenting tool, rechargeable



One afternoon, a woman was visiting a zoo.
When the afternoon was about to end, she
found herself near the kangaroos. Friendly
as they were, she started to pet them.

Suddenly an uncontrollable urge came over
her to reach down and squeeze the poor
animal's balls. She had squeezed too hard,
as the kangaroo started to wildly jump around.
Higher and higher, the kangaroo jumped
around until it cleared the high fence and
escaped.

Scared, the woman looked around to see if
anybody noticed her actions. She saw the
zookeeper running toward her, so she
started to run.

As the zookeeper caught up, he pleaded
while pulling down his pants ...

"Sorry, ma'am, you're going to have to
squeeze mine, too!  I'm the poor guy who
has to catch that thing."


Morris stops by to visit his friend who is paralized from the waist
down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold.
Would you be so kind as to go get me my house slippers please?" 
Morris obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's 
daughters, both very good looking. 

Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" 
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" 
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?" 
"Yes, both
of them!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  November 28, 2008

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!
I sure transferred the stuffing from the turkey to me. 
It took two sittings, with a walk around the block in between,
but we finished and made sure there were no nuisance left-overs.

It sure was great, but now I am paying for it. Next time my scale tells 
me: "One at a time, please!", I'm going to step on it with BOTH feet!


Now you can vote for me! Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
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size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
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your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

We got 309 in the subscriber family now. 

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia

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There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down
pour of thunder and rain, these two young rednecks ran for about 10
minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain
got even worse

. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,
laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and
tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, "eeeeekkk!
Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a
ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said "well open
the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of
his wits, "What do you want???" 

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?" 

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, 
"He wants tobacco!"

"Well give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. 
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a 
cigarette and yells "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror. 

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they 
start laughing again, and the passenger says, 
"What do you think of that?" The driver says, 
"I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is
the old man again. 
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger yells. 

"Well see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. 

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says "Yes?" 
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. 
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the 
window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer,
trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a 
sudden again there is more knocking!

"Oh my God! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window and 
screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?" in stark terror.

The old man gently replies, "Do you idiots want some help 
getting out of the mud?" 


A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when 
she looks down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, 
she comments on the creatures rather hideous appearance.
Princess: "My, but you are really an ugly frog!"
Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."
Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as 
ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take 
a blow job."


A man in a trench coat walked into a supermarket. After walking around
forseveral minutes he grabbed a large can of beans and moved on to the
cashier. He placed the can down on the counter, opened his trench coat
and slapped his penis down next to the beans.

The shocked cashier picked up the can and proceeded to slam it
repeatedly down on the flasher's private parts. He screamed and passed
out from the pain.

The police were called and in the memo section of the incident report
the responding officer wrote, "he should have purchased a loaf of
bread".



Mississippi Econo Cruise


Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a
contest arises between them as to who can bed her first,
even though they're both already married. Eventually one of
them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear
how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed
with the secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you
think?"

The second guy replies, "You were right."


One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class
that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who
answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On
the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the
beach?"
Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher
asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could
answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would
somehow answer the question and get a 3-day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes 20 Ping-Pong balls and paints them
black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end
of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question,"
Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the Ping-Pong balls rolling
to the front of the room.
Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing,
the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the
comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and
yells, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  November 26, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

YOU and I, together, we made it onto the 
That is the newsletter directory that counts.

Now you can vote for me! Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

We got 305 in the subscriber family now. 

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Thanks
Ophelia


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In the Lamaze childbirth classes I teach, the first hour is a 
lecture. During the second hour, the couples get on the floor 
to practice breathing and relaxation techniques. 

The lecture one evening was "Sex During Pregnancy." When I 
finished presenting the material, I asked if there were any 
questions. 

After waiting a moment, I tried to proceed -- only to be interrupted 
when the class burst out laughing. It took me a few seconds to 
realize what I'd said: 

"Okay, if there are no questions about sex during pregnancy, 
let's get down on the floor and practice."


A girl brings a guy home one night.  They get into her apartment and
immediately she suggests that they do "69"

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head
between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment he agrees to try it.

The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.  "Oooopppps!  Sorry, lets try it again."
she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,
you're crazy!


A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia.  Upon arriving in
Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your
business in Australia?"
"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.
The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"
Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."




An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either
Jack or Jill.  He decided to fire the employee who came late to work.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early.  So the
manager though he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.
Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.  Then the manager
decided to see who took the longest lunch break -strangely, neither Jack
nor Jill took a lunch break that day.
They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work the
earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.  Jill finally went to
the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a
terrible problem.  I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."


There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him
to help castrate his sheep.
As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the
parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the
farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them,
they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who
cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each
evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked
his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest
thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French
Fries, and he ran like hell!"

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  November 26, 2008

The baking is done, and since breakfast I have been on a strict
cranberry juice diet. That should help me get into my good pants
tomorrow.

We got 294 in the subscriber family now. Hopefully that
will start increasing again soon!

YOU and I, together, we made it onto the Ezinefinder!
That is the newsletter directory that counts.

Now you can vote for me! Vote for Ophelia

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into
your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra 
size or your birth date or weight or any information about you.
Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without
the nuisance confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids
your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that
cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Thanks
Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Bumping into Judi on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike
apologized.  "Pardon me, ma'am, I'm sorry."

"Quite all right," Judi said, enamored.  "You look just like my
fifth husband!"

"Wow!" he said, "How many times have you been married?"

"Four."



Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits 
of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest 
with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having 
my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa ... I just can't picture your 
husband as a blonde!"


A very healthy, spry-looking 95-year-old man was moved into a nursing
home by his family. Trying to prove to the management that he really
doesn't need to be in a nursing home, he walks up to a frail looking man
walking down the hall with a walker, and says: "How old do you think I
am?" 

The man answers: "I'd say 60." 
"Nope, I'm 95!" the man boasts. 

Down the hall, he sees a woman in a room watching TV from a 
wheelchair. He walks up to her and asks her to guess his age. 

Right away she unzips his fly, pulls out his equipment, studies
and gropes him for a few minutes, then looks at him and says: 
"You're 95." 

The man looks at her incredulously and asks: 
"How did you figure that out?" 

She shrugs and says: "I heard you tell the fellow in the hall."



The Sheriff's son doing "Urban Yoga".


As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes 
tend to focus too much on sports.  Bob, a fellow coach, was 
talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became 
frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets 
home," the coach's wife told him.  "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three."

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  November 25, 2008
Time to get the ingredients ready for tomorrow's
frantic preparations for Thanksgiving. Thanks to one undercooked
turkey many years ago, now I bring the buns. Oh, shut up!
I can get through most doors without turning sideways.

My sister-in-law's daughter will be over, as usual, to knead
the dough. She is a bit skinny on top and I teased her once
by saying the old rhyme "We must, we must, develop the bust"
while kneading dough. She looked at me and elbowed me
away from the kitchen counter. Ever since then, when there
is major baking to do, she's in my kitchen, muttering
"We must, we must..."

We got 288 in the subscriber family now. Hopefully that
will start increasing again soon!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Thanks
Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Three girls died and entered the gates of heaven.

Upon entering the gates, they were halted by St. Peter and
his obedient angel. St. Peter said to the girls, "Before you
enter, you must answer this simple question..."

"Which question is that?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "I was a virgin before I got married,
and I'm still a virgin."

"Very good," remarked St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl the
golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good," she replied. "I was a virgin until I got
married."

"Very good," remarked St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl the
silver key."

"And, have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she replied. "Before I got married, I had
sex with most of the guys I met, and even now, I have sex
with practically every guy I meet. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "You don't have to go to the
gold counting warehouse. Angel, give this girl my room key."



From George:
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured
while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While
unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received
strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying
to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of
me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of
peas.


A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The Parrot, a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors
turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.
The neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot was up to.
The owners reprimand the parrot and tell him if he doesn't stop it, they
will have to shave his head.
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws
his neighbor's turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird
down and proceeds to shave his head.
The next day at the farmer'sdaughters wedding, to please the relative,
who had given them the talking parrot, they sit the parrot on the piano
and tell him that he should greet all the guests and direct them to
their seats in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's guests to the left and Bride's guests
to the right."...says the parrot.
Until finally two bald men arrive and then he announces, "And you two
turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"





A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double
of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so mad I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear,
pours him a DOUBLE.   The man gulps down the drink and says, "Gimme
another ONE!".

The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this,
why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door
when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the
bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know, it was
kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this
hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear,
and asks if I'm INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was happening! I
managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out
of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be
true!"

"She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon
as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was
wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my
clothes!

  But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling,
and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his
WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'" "So, I
opened the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he
would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no,
I figured he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I could hear the key in
the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was
hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at
that point."

"Well, just wait, I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells
out, 'Who you been sleeping with now?' "

The girl says "Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down."
Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off
the closet and throw it across the room.   I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad
I didn't hide in there.'

Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing
I didn't hide under there either.

Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?'

I'm dead meat now!
But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince
him to stop looking.

Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for
a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something,
when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER
out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got
second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" 

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have made me mad for SURE."

"No, that didn't BOTHER me that much. Next the guy starts slamming the
window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers.
They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." 

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says 
"Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are ANGRY."

"No, that WASN'T what really made me mad." 

The bartender then asks in exasperation, 
"Well, then, what DID finally make you mad?"

"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and...
"I WAS ONLY ABOUT 5 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"