Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  November 25, 2008
Time to get the ingredients ready for tomorrow's
frantic preparations for Thanksgiving. Thanks to one undercooked
turkey many years ago, now I bring the buns. Oh, shut up!
I can get through most doors without turning sideways.

My sister-in-law's daughter will be over, as usual, to knead
the dough. She is a bit skinny on top and I teased her once
by saying the old rhyme "We must, we must, develop the bust"
while kneading dough. She looked at me and elbowed me
away from the kitchen counter. Ever since then, when there
is major baking to do, she's in my kitchen, muttering
"We must, we must..."

We got 288 in the subscriber family now. Hopefully that
will start increasing again soon!

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Thanks
Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Three girls died and entered the gates of heaven.

Upon entering the gates, they were halted by St. Peter and
his obedient angel. St. Peter said to the girls, "Before you
enter, you must answer this simple question..."

"Which question is that?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "I was a virgin before I got married,
and I'm still a virgin."

"Very good," remarked St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl the
golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good," she replied. "I was a virgin until I got
married."

"Very good," remarked St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl the
silver key."

"And, have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she replied. "Before I got married, I had
sex with most of the guys I met, and even now, I have sex
with practically every guy I meet. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good," said St. Peter. "You don't have to go to the
gold counting warehouse. Angel, give this girl my room key."



From George:
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured
while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While
unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received
strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying
to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of
me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of
peas.


A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The Parrot, a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors
turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.
The neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot was up to.
The owners reprimand the parrot and tell him if he doesn't stop it, they
will have to shave his head.
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out again and screws
his neighbor's turkeys again. The next morning the owner ties the bird
down and proceeds to shave his head.
The next day at the farmer'sdaughters wedding, to please the relative,
who had given them the talking parrot, they sit the parrot on the piano
and tell him that he should greet all the guests and direct them to
their seats in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's guests to the left and Bride's guests
to the right."...says the parrot.
Until finally two bald men arrive and then he announces, "And you two
turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"





A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double
of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so mad I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear,
pours him a DOUBLE.   The man gulps down the drink and says, "Gimme
another ONE!".

The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this,
why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"
So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door
when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the
bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know, it was
kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this
hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear,
and asks if I'm INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was happening! I
managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out
of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be
true!"

"She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon
as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was
wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my
clothes!

  But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling,
and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his
WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'" "So, I
opened the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he
would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no,
I figured he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I could hear the key in
the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was
hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at
that point."

"Well, just wait, I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells
out, 'Who you been sleeping with now?' "

The girl says "Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down."
Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off
the closet and throw it across the room.   I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad
I didn't hide in there.'

Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing
I didn't hide under there either.

Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?'

I'm dead meat now!
But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince
him to stop looking.

Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for
a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something,
when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER
out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got
second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" 

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have made me mad for SURE."

"No, that didn't BOTHER me that much. Next the guy starts slamming the
window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers.
They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." 

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says 
"Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are ANGRY."

"No, that WASN'T what really made me mad." 

The bartender then asks in exasperation, 
"Well, then, what DID finally make you mad?"

"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and...
"I WAS ONLY ABOUT 5 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  November 24, 2008

We got 284 in the subscriber family now.


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Thanks
Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Judi decides to do something wild that she has never done before. 
Judi then sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects
a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and
puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static
on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the
tape but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those
tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Judi: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'."



Ole and Sven are neighbors in Wisconsin. Ole is in need of a new 
milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in 
Minnesota.
 
He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches 
under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and 
pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and
reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, 
and the cow farts again.
 
Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to
buy the cow anyway and take it home.
 
He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis
new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what happens."

Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts.
 
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, didn't
yew?"
 
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know dat?"
 
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."


Anni was seen going into the woods with a small package and
a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she
returned.  Her friend, Wendy, never saw Anni looking' so sad.

Wendy "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days.
Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Anni,"Cause I just can't get a man."

Wendy, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the
woods."

Anni, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods
cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I
couldn't find it."

Wendy, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Anni, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some
dead mice and a bird cage."

Wendy, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Anni, "Well, I heard the easiest way to get a man is to show him
your hooters."





From Archie
A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured
while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While
unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received
strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries.

Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying
to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of
me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of
peas.


A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the
chance to go fishing for a week.  It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
I have to leave right away.  Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and
especially my blue silk pajamas.  I'll be home in an hour to pick them
up."

The man rushes home to grab everything.  He hugs his wife, apologizes
for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good
trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my
blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle
box."

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  November 22, 2008

We got 268 in the subscriber family now.
Slowing down. 
Wonder if I should open an extra button?

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog


Thanks
Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 


According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while 
both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer 
each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning 
of winter, usually late November to mid-December.   
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in 
the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting 
Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph 
to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag 
a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one 
night and not get lost.


A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those 
Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me 
To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

'I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache..'

It Worked! The headaches are all gone..'

The husband replies, 'Well, that is wonderful.'

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball 
Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go 
see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his 
Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He Puts her on The bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.' 
He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later 
and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like 
never before.

His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.' 
He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was 
even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is 
spinning.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, 
she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

'She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife...'

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.


"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa 
ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?" 
"No. I always did that." 
"That must have been before you had women's liberation." 
"No, it was before we had baby bottles."



San Francisco Drag Racing


How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
Three. One to climb the ladder, 
one to shake it, 
and one to sue the ladder company.


An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, 
entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," 
said the young girl. 
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take 
your clothes off." 
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here." 
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  November 21, 2008

Finally got the blog up. What a rigmarole!
No matter what excuse I came up with, DearWebby kept
saying "Just do it. It's not going to hurt, and you are going
to learn to enjoy it." 
Yeah, right. Seems to me, I have heard that before too.

Well, eventually I ran out of excuses and pasted the newsletter
into the blog. Now what?
"Click on submit." 
I don't submit to NOBODY!
When you are 110 pounds (from the waist up), you can't get
away with the shy and demure act anyway.
"You are too far away to submit. That's why you have to click
on that button."
Huh? Ooops, I think I clicked it. Are you trying to confuse 
me with logic? That doesn't work with a Blonde!
"There! Your blog is up and visible to the world."

But, but, but...
"No, no, no, I prefer the front."
Flirting isn't going to get you anywhere, Mr Webby! You tricked
a poor innocent little girl!
"Right, Ma'am."
Don't you dare 'Right-Ma'am me! I am going to tell on you!
"Right, Ophelia! Now you can paste the rest of the days
exactly the same way. You have mastered the art of blogging.
Congratulations!"
Huh? 
That guy is scary. He is fluent in Blondish!

So, anyway, my blog is up: http://dingbatter.com/blog
And I AM quite proud of it!

Thanks to your forwarding we got 264 subscribers! 

Thanks
Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 


"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can
think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me two
examples?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "Your boobs!"


Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when
she told her she had an affair?

A. Who catered it?


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black
wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit what color it is!"




Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home
at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."


Sam had been a soldier at war for more than
three years, during which he had been in many
battles and won many decorations.  He was
finally discharged from service and returned
home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen
in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house,
his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy,
Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple
Heart on!"

Turning around to see her husband for the first
time in years she replied, "at this point, I
don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in,
and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  November 20, 2008

Thanks to your forwarding! We got 254 subscribers! 

Thanks
Ophelia
Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  
           Damm...I think I'm going to pass out. 
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? 
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone.  North and Foster. 
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you an asthmatic? 
Caller:   No. 
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having 
         trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the cops. 


Starkle, starkle little twink,
who the hell you are I think.
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
Just give me one more drink to fill me cup,
'cuz I got all day sober to Thirstday up



A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the
country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the
sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved
to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began
designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research
effort, the project director decided to go to the local
drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter,
ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told
the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if
he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock
train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It
wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back
to sleep, and it's too early to get up."




John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve,
walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head
sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their
mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs'
pregnant."


Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one
ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears
and comes out of the mouth, backwards.