Good Morning 
It's Friday,  November 21, 2008

Finally got the blog up. What a rigmarole!
No matter what excuse I came up with, DearWebby kept
saying "Just do it. It's not going to hurt, and you are going
to learn to enjoy it." 
Yeah, right. Seems to me, I have heard that before too.

Well, eventually I ran out of excuses and pasted the newsletter
into the blog. Now what?
"Click on submit." 
I don't submit to NOBODY!
When you are 110 pounds (from the waist up), you can't get
away with the shy and demure act anyway.
"You are too far away to submit. That's why you have to click
on that button."
Huh? Ooops, I think I clicked it. Are you trying to confuse 
me with logic? That doesn't work with a Blonde!
"There! Your blog is up and visible to the world."

But, but, but...
"No, no, no, I prefer the front."
Flirting isn't going to get you anywhere, Mr Webby! You tricked
a poor innocent little girl!
"Right, Ma'am."
Don't you dare 'Right-Ma'am me! I am going to tell on you!
"Right, Ophelia! Now you can paste the rest of the days
exactly the same way. You have mastered the art of blogging.
Congratulations!"
Huh? 
That guy is scary. He is fluent in Blondish!

So, anyway, my blog is up: http://dingbatter.com/blog
And I AM quite proud of it!

Thanks to your forwarding we got 264 subscribers! 

Thanks
Ophelia
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"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can
think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me two
examples?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "Your boobs!"


Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when
she told her she had an affair?

A. Who catered it?


A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level,
and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black
wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a
quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit what color it is!"




Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home
at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."


Sam had been a soldier at war for more than
three years, during which he had been in many
battles and won many decorations.  He was
finally discharged from service and returned
home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen
in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house,
his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy,
Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple
Heart on!"

Turning around to see her husband for the first
time in years she replied, "at this point, I
don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in,
and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  November 20, 2008

Thanks to your forwarding! We got 254 subscribers! 

Thanks
Ophelia
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.  I'm all out of breath.  
           Damm...I think I'm going to pass out. 
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? 
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone.  North and Foster. 
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.  Are you an asthmatic? 
Caller:   No. 
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having 
         trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the cops. 


Starkle, starkle little twink,
who the hell you are I think.
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
Just give me one more drink to fill me cup,
'cuz I got all day sober to Thirstday up



A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the
country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the
sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved
to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began
designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research
effort, the project director decided to go to the local
drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter,
ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told
the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if
he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock
train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It
wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back
to sleep, and it's too early to get up."




John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve,
walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head
sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their
mother-in-law."

"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets theirs'
pregnant."


Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one
ear and comes out of the other.

Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears
and comes out of the mouth, backwards.

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  November 19, 2008
It's cold enough that the kids are out and about with their water
pistols, icing the parking meters and the locks on the cop
cars. The joys of early winter!

Thanks to your forwarding! We got 252 subscribers! 

Thanks
Ophelia
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 Thanks to Wendy for this story:
 A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice 
 and glossy.
The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out 
panties and he used these to polish his car with. Being a 
bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of 
hers, so one day at the office he asked: 
"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties 
when you wear them out?" " 
Why," she replied demurely, "if I can find them afterwards, 
I put them back on again!" 



Two men sitting in a bar drinking... a lot. As they are 
sitting there drinking away, one man turns to the other 
and says, "I have got to get out of here! Need to go home 
and tear my wife's panties off!" 
The other man looks at him with confusion and replies, 
"Well, what in the world just made you think of that?" 
"Because," replies the guy, "they are too damn tight 
and they are cutting off my circulation!"  


 Where are my sheets? 
One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go 
down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two 
pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her 
I want two piss.
She say go to the toilet.
I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. 
She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. 
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. 

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress 
brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna 
fock. 
She tell me everyone wanna fock. 

I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. 
She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. 
I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. 

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits 
onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna Shit. He
tell me to go to toilet. 

I say you no understand. I wanna shit, onna my bed. 

He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. 
I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. 

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: 
"Peace on you". 
I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna go back to Italy. 




    Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth
to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand
times?" said the one. "Amazing!  How did she ever find time to do
any housework?"

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  November 17, 2008
I love Monday mornings at work. Everybody is so bleary-eyed
and slow-brained, that I can do all of my email without any 
silly work related interruptions, AND get some work done!

Thanks to your forwarding we got 230 subscribers! 
Thanks
Ophelia

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A man was sipping a drink in a bar when he noticed an
attractive woman seated beside him. His interest must have
been obvious because the bartender suddenly loomed over
him and said, "Don't get any ideas about that girl, bud. That's
my wife."

The fellow replied, "Who's getting ideas? I just came in for a piece of 
beer."


DEAR MADAM:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX 
TOYS SHOP. YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR 
AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
 
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR 
FIRE EXTINGUISHER.


"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the
obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be.  "He and my husband don't
get along."



An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
    
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
    
'I'm 96' said the old man.  
'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough 
so I don't piss on my slippers.'





A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants
who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On
one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried
to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand
dollars?"

She responded, "The first man, who paid, was Pete, my 
postman, but he only paid me twenty dollars!"

Good Morning  !
It's Sunday,  November 16, 2008
Dear Webby showed me with his source code how to add
a picture. Then I pasted HIS stuff instead of mine. 
Naturally, I had to get mad at him for doing that. 
Too bad I can't throw empties at him via email!

We got 211 subscribers!
Thanks
Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Juan and Bill were discussing life in general over
drinks one night.   Bill casually commented, "My
grandfather lived to be 96."

"Ninety-six? What finally got him?" Asked Juan.

"Liquor and women."

"Well, that just goes to show ya," Juan snickered,
"both will get you in the end."

"Well actually, no, it's not what ya think. Towards
the end, Grandpa couldn't get either one, so he just
laid down and died."


On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have
a  confession that should have made before, but I was
concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm a golfer," he said.

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on
the  course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any
holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and
golf -- golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that
I've concealed  something about my own past that you should
know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a
little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up."



One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month
or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers
again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was
getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons
prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't
say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he
would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and
dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still
alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry
Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD
DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my
doorstep this morning!"



A bride called to make a change to her wedding registry.
It is common, almost expected, that a bride will change
something on her registry at least once (dishes, color of towels,
etc.). The Customer Service Representative told her
that J.C. Penney would be happy to make the
change. He asked if the bride wanted to change the dishes or the
linens.

The bride said, "No, keep the loot all the same. 
I just wanted to change the name of the groom."



Thanks to Anna for this picture:



Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her
doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend
and my fiancee thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you
can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you
can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready
for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper
thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic
band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby-to-be will
fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire
to the honeymoon suite.

The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the
elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into
bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in," and she
snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was
that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my
virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my
balls trapped!"