Good Morning 
It's Friday,  November 14, 2008
Got two items of good news for you:
1) 175 subscribers already! And not one relative amongst them.

2) The Sheriff dropped the mooning charges.

So, on to bigger and better things! (even though that was
a pretty big moon!)

Thanks
Ophelia

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Thanks to Sandie for this story:
There's three cops that go to the same bar after work every 
night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. 
One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting 
around and the third veteran comes into the bar with the 
biggest shit eating grin on his face.

The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?" 
He tells the other two cops, "Well last night I had the best 
sex in my life with my wife. I hid my pistol cocked and 
loaded under the pillow. When I was about to cum I fired 
a shot into the air. She got really tight and we both 
came at the same time."

The next night the the other veteran comes into the bar 
with a shit eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran, 
"Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incrediable 
sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was 
about to cum I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous 
orgasm. It was great"

The next night the two veterans see the rookie come into the 
bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he made his way over to them. 
The rookie says, "That was no advice! You assholes set me up!
My wife and I were doing sixty nine and I fired my gun! She 
almost bit off my dick and she shit in my face, and I had shot 
off the hook for the chain lamp. That fell into the aquarium and 
killed $3,000 worth of fish.

It also blew the breaker, and when I stumbled in the dark to the 
bathroom to wash the shit off my face, I tripped over the vaccum 
in the hallway and flew down the stairs and out through the 
landlords $2,000 stained glass door.

That set off the security sirens and woke up his dog who wouldn't 
let me back in. There I was, trapped outside in the snow, bare ass 
naked, with a bleeding dick and shit all over my face, trying to 
explain to all the neighbors and the night shift cops........


 While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous 
 and does not use a condom all the time.

 A week after arriving back home in the States,  he wakes one 
 morning to find his penis covered with purple spots..
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders 
some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says,
'I've got bad news for you ---  you've contracted Mongolian VD.
It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot
or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.

We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second
opinion.'
The doctor replies: 'Well , it's your choice. Go ahead if you
want, but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that
he'll  know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
'Ah, yes,  Mongolian VD.  Vely rare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but
what can  we do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican 
docta,  always want to opelate.
Make more money that way. But no need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks.
Faw off by itself.




The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for 
their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.

The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory 
that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.

The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted 
with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She 
maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, 
"She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"

Whereupon the child piped up, 
"Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."


There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One
day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:

"What happened to your washcloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it".

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running
to his mother yelling and screaming,

"I found your washcloth!"

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with the boy and asked,

"Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face
with it."


Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told
Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm doing something different. The last few years, I took your
suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to the
beach. I went to beach...and Marie got pregnant!

"Then two years ago, you told me to go campin'  in the mountains...and
Marie got pregnant again.

"Last year you suggested I go fishin' and darned if Marie didn't get
pregnant again!"

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me!"


How  to treat a woman:
Wine her.   Dine her.   Call her.   Hold her.  Surprise her.  Compliment her.  
Smile at her.  Listen to her.  Laugh with her.  Cry with her. Romance her.  
Encourage her.  Believe in her.  Pray with her.  Pray for her. Cuddle with her.  
Shop with her.  Give her jewelry.  Buy her flowers.  Hold her hand.  Write love 
letters to her.  Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
    
How to treat a man:
Show up naked.   Bring pizza.   Don't block the TV.  

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  November 13, 2008

150 Subscribers already! You must have been busy forwarding
my letter! Those 150 don't include any relatives. None of them 
are computer literate.

This MagicList rocks! It mails me CC's of the double-opt-in 
confirmation, and they keep popping in like smiles in spring! 
Tears of joy!

Thanks
Ophelia

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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched 
as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and 
down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, 
Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' 

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make 
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. 

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.



The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked
him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.

"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition.  First, we give
you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT
malleable.  The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade
represents value, but less malleable. When you make
Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two
silver bars.  As a Captain, you soar over military masses,
hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star.
That answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history.  Back to the
Garden of Eden even.  You see, we've always covered our
pricks with leaves. "




A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come
upon a wishing well.

The husband makes a wish, leans over, and throws a quarter down
the well.  The wife then takes out a quarter, makes a wish, and
then leans over. Unfortunately, she leans over a little too far,
falls down into the well, and drowns.

The husband stands there in total shock. "Holy shit, it works!"



Two older women were talking and exchanging notes on their 
sexual activities.

The first old women told the second old woman that sometimes 
she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked
lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga
style.  The second old woman thought that was a great idea so
that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready
for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting
her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit
arthritic, but she finally got it in place. She had an even
tougher time with the second leg so she rocked herself backwards
until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked
just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and
got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed, "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put
your teeth in, you'd hate to see how you look from here!"



A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she
found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy
her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all
these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from
the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counseled
the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,
until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment
line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took
him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone
but, by the bedside table was a $50 bill and a note that read,

"With my compliments. Take this money and go out and buy a pair
of shoes that fit you."



"Hello?" Linda responded, answering the phone.

"I bet you want me to come over to your house, take
you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe,
and then make mad passionate love to you all night long,"
the male voice whispered sensuously.

"Scheesch," she replied. "You could tell all that just from
me saying 'hello?'"

Good Morning!
It's Wednesday,  November 12, 2008

Got my socks blown off yesterday! Both of them, and damn near
my bra too!
By mid afternoon there were HUNDRED subscribers! Everybody
had told me that it would take me a year to get that many, but my
long distance friend and mentor, Dear Webby, had bet me that
I would get a hundred subscribers in less than a week, with
just a small ad on HIS Humor letter! He has a lot more confidence
in my abilities than I do. 

Well, it sure patted my big egogs, both of them, to see my subscriber
family grow like that. So, forward my newsletter and let's hope
it will keep growing like that!
Thanks
Ophelia

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A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. After they get up in
the air the loudspeaker comes on:
"This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000
feet .. etc. etc."

When the announcement is finished a woman passenger beckons to a
stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big
airplane is being flown by a woman?"

"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."

"How wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you can arrange for
me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"
Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that
the co-pilot is also a woman."

"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to
the cockpit so I can congratulate them both!" !

"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the
entire crew of this plane are women."

"That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time, this
has really made my day I just have to go to the cockpit to
express my admiration!"

"One more thing you might like to know ... we don't call it the
"cockpit" any more."

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their
physicals.  During the inspection, the doctor was surprised
to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long,
oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's
hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the
doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for
your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one
arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub,
she had to manage as best she could."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death 
notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. 
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the 
family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very 
well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' 

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course 
I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better 
for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than 
the big shit he always was.' 


I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when 
he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of 
gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, 
"Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come 
over to your place tonight!"

With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, 
puzzled and humiliated. 

A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student 
in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing 
situations." 

Justin responded, quite loudly, "What do you mean, thirty dollars, 
just like downtown?" 


Who signs up to end women's suffrage: Short movie
end women's suffrage

Good Morning !
Thanks to those of you who sent advice about the talking scale.
I'm not really all that heavy. I weigh under 100 pounds
(from the waist up).
Ophelia

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key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

It's Tuesday,  November 11, 2008
Remembrance Day in Canada, Veterans Day in the US
Armistice Day in the UK

Pittance Of Time

Canada honors the veterans on the $10 bill
Veteran on $10


One Rememberance day, an old RAF Pilot was interviewed live 
on BBC in the good old UK. The interview went something like this.

BBC. I'm sure you would have may stories you could tell us 
about your missions. I s there one that really stan out in your mind.

Pilot. Sure, there is one.
One early morning, we mustered up to fly a mission into Germany.
Half way across the channel, we met up with a bunch of German 
Fokkers.

BBC interupts. Excuse me sir, for those viewer who don't know, 
A Fokker is a type of airplane the Germans used.

Pilot. No No. Not this time, those fokkers were flying Messerschmits

Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door: 
"Bring $5000 to the seventeenth hole of your country club tomorrow 
at 10:00 a.m. if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 p.m. by the time he arrived at the designated 
meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and 
demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. 
"I'm a 27 handicap."

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-
endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force
doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room
to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll
just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and
decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of
the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it
would change the texture and feel of it.

The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the
base of it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it
might give him erection problems.

The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse
who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried,
"Can't we just make his legs longer?"

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere,"
he pleaded with a proprietor, "or just a bed, I don't care
where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant --
an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be
glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores
so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in
the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him, "I'll take it."

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. 
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with
the other guy snoring?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time,"
said the Navy guy. "How'd you manage that?" asked the
manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the
room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss
on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat
up all night watching me."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new
colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on
the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel
quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then
said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this
afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime,
thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young
enlisted man, he asked brusquely, "What do you want?"  
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, 
"just here to hook up your telephone."

Good Morning to YOU !
Yes, I would love to have some butter-horns with dark
chocolate on the side. That is why I chose these colors.
However, I am getting tired of my talking scale insulting me
by saying: "One at a time, please!"
So I will just have a coffee with you.

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Catholic Girls
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger
in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,
"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well
once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The
Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of 
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter
says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Tiffany sticks her butt in it."


An older couple went to the doctors office together.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, 
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have 
intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make 
an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the 
doctor, then leave.  

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's 
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't 
go to my house. 
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do 
it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

  Cookie Recipe for cat lovers
1... Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2... Get cup of coffee.
3... Get cat off of cookbook.
4... Find that special recipe.
5... Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6... Go to fridge and get eggs.
7... Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8... Break eggs in small bowl.
9... Sift dry ingredients into a large bowl.
10.. Answer the phone.
11.. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13.. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14.. Throw flour out and get more.
15.. Preheat oven for cookies.
16.. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now.
17.. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom.
18.. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
19.. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound.
20.. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal bathroom
        things have been knocked over on top of the counter. 
21.. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl. 
22.. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23.. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs. 
24.. Clean up bathroom. 
25.. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now. 
26.. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen. 
27.. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour. 
28.. Step on cat's tail and get bitten in ankle. 
29.. Get coat, car keys, cat, and drive to store to buy cookies. 
30.. Squeeze cat through partially open window into a stranger's car at 
        the store parking lot. 
31.. Eat most of the cookies on the way home.
32.. Act surprised when you see the cat sleeping on your chair
         when you get home.


A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only
about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said,
"YOU MISSED THE F****G PUTT, DIDN'T YOU?"


In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, 
can my momma get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty."

The teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get 
pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you we 
have nothing to worry about."