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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, October 27, 2010

521 Subscribers. 
Welcome to ONE new subscriber, Richard!

Subscriber Marie told me, that the reason the was no enthusiasm
for those 30's cars, is because Americans don't like cars, whose
names they can't pronounce. 
Good point!
OK, to day we have a trike with a name that should roll off your
tongue quite easily.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon, they were working in the
garden together. As the wife bent over pulling weeds, the husband says,
"Honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is huge. I'll bet it is as big as the
gas grill". The husband picks up a yardstick to prove his point. First he
measures the grill, then his wife's butt. "Yeah", he says, "Just about the
same size".

That evening they went to bed. The husband cuddled up to his wife
saying, "How about a little loving"? 

The wife turns over, with her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. 

"What's the matter"? he asked.

She answered sarcastically, "You don't think I'm going to fire up
this Big Ass Grill for just one little weenie....... do you?


A young husband comes home one night, and his
wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling,
I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think
we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me
a test today, but we until we find out for sure,
we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company
rings the doorbell, because the young couple
hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man
from the electric company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the
visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the
electric company offices the first thing the
next morning. "What's going on here? You have
it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband
shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option
but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 

 
 


 

The Ladies at Lunch

Mary: I had to go shopping for new underwear last
      weekend. What a horrible experience!
      Everything I saw was a thong!

Jill: Can't you wear the thong?

Mary: Oh, I can wear it all right. You just can't
      SEE it when I do!


A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some
cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it
closed, so he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending
machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts
talking to her. They have a couple of beers, one thing leads
to another, and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3:00 a.m. and
says, "Oh, shit! It's so late, my wife is going to kill me!
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum
powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands. Then goes
home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is
pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?" his wife demands.

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you
asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use
the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there
and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and
ended up in bed with her," he says.

"Oh yeah? And what is that on your hands?" she questions.

She sees his hands are covered with powder and screams,
"You &%@&%!* liar! You went bowling again!"



Student: "How long do you want this report to be?"

Teacher: "I would like you to think of this paper much like
a lady's dress -- long enough to cover the subject, yet
short enough to keep it interesting."



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Good Morning 
It's Monday, October 25, 2010

520 Subscribers. Lost one.

Nobody commented about yesterday's car either.
Well, I'll try one more Elegant Thunder car. 
7.1 Liter, 240 Cubic Inch straight six. 
Can you imagine the SOUND of that?

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always
wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing
them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home,
asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about
me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday
and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom,
undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his
new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything
different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was
hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again
tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down?
'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"


One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for
her sins, came to a Baptist church.  She got up in front of the
congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier
who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.

She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but
now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.

"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I
will sleep with the Lord," she finished.  But before the
congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out
in a clear voice, "Thasch allright momma, screw 'em all."

 

 
 
 Click through the picture for the large version
 1931 Mercedes Roadster
 7 Liter, straight six
Elegant Thunder

 

Judy decided she wanted to become
a nurse. Her first day at the
hospital she was given several patients
to bathe and change their beds. Her
instructor arrived in the room just
in time to hear the male patient give
a howl of pain.

The teacher took Judy to one side
and said. "When we make the beds,
we gently turn the patient to one
side and push the sheets up against
his back. We then roll him over on
the other side and pull the sheets firm."

"We  do NOT pick him up by his penis
and shove the sheets under him."


A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex.


It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days
that started with the letter 'T'...

Examples of those days are:

TUESDAY
THURSDAY
THANKSGIVING
TODAY
TOMORROW
THATURDAY
AND THUNDAY



A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.  The doctor looked her over
and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery.
He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure.

The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the
pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own.

The man quickly agreed.  The doctor warned him, though, that there was a
slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the
father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he
please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man.  The man said he felt
absolutely fine and he could take more.  The doctor turned the dial up to
40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten.  The woman delivered
the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he
could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home.  There, on the front step, 
was the mailman, dead.



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Good Morning 
It's Monday, October 25, 2010

521 Subscribers. Welcome to TWO new subscribers!
We are making progress!


Some readers asked how come Canucks know so much about
the US, that they themselves don't know.

Well, our media is not censored or slanted, and the information
IS available on the Internet. Bill HR4646 for example is here:
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/billtext.xpd?bill=h111-4646

So nobody liked my cute, little dream car?
It looks big in that picture, but it's actually quite tiny. 
I was surprised, that there were no comments about it. Isuppose
you prefer the big dough-boy style SUVs and big cars?
Well, for today I picked a big car for you:
Daimler Double-Six 50 Corsica Drophead Coupé
a one of a kind 14 foot long muscle-car from 1931.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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It was the first day of school,  and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact that she'd take no  nonsense from the kiddies this
year.
 While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer."

Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF
BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR,  now Bob; tell me your real name!"

The kid said,  "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer.  You can go across
the hall to fourth grade  and ask my brother if you don't believe me!"

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,  the teacher went across
the hall and knocked  on the fourth grade classroom door.

The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the  hall to the front office for
a moment,  so she entered the room and directly asked the class,  "Do you
have Fuckhauer in here?"

"Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row,  "We don't even get a
damn cookie break!"


A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having
severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked
her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear
picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever
watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," she replied.

"How did he look?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Very angry," she said.

At this point the psychiatrist felt he was really getting
somewhere, so he said, "Well that's very interesting. We
must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you
have only seen your husband's face once during sex. That
seems somewhat unusual. How did it happen that you saw his
face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us," she answered.

 

 
 
 Click through the picture for the large version
 
Daimler Double-Six 50 Corsica Drophead Coupé
14 feet long, weighs 3 tons.
435 Cubic Inch 60 degree V-12
Was sold for 5 Million £ BEFORE restoration.


The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars.
The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut
descended and tested the atmosphere.

Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe.
He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft.
He was amazed to find himself in a lush green

valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked
for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white
cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white
picket fence like something out of "Better Homes
and Gardens." He walked up to the front door and found
it open.

He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from
the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he
saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing
over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a
gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon.
As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was
doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was
quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring
she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a
beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing
but that was not the way it was done on Earth. She replied
" How do you do it on Earth ?"

With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Come on back to the
bedroom and I'll show you." After an hour of the wildest
sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and
lit up a cigarette. She said " Well where is the baby?"

He said " Oh that takes nine months."

She replied, "Then why did you stop stirring?"



Young David came home from school one day and found his pet
chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight
up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that
the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus
in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later
his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling,
"Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed
with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm
coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry
holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"


Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher
singled him out.

"If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50
to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you
have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered, "if Annie doesn't find out till 
afterwards."



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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, October 23, 2010

519 Subscribers. Same number.
Are you worried, somebody will steal your thunder, if you
forward my newsletter to friends and suggest, that they
subscribe?

There sure seems to be a lot of concern in the US about the 
proposed bank transaction tax legislation, Bill HR4646. 
I doubt, that it will pass, and hope it won't. If it does,
Wall Street will move to Toronto, and the Black Market
will move from Moscow to Washington. 

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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A few housewives were sitting around the table talking, and
the subject turned to their husbands. One lady said
"My husband just won't go to church with me, I think he's
going to go to Hell."

This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands
were going to end up in Hell. So, then the wives
started speculating about themselves.

One woman said
"I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
One after the other, and all at the sime time, as is common
in these gatherings,  they enumerated their good deeds and
their sufferings and reasons why they would surely go to
heaven.

Then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying
anything. They looked at her and said

"You're always soo a kind and good, surely you're going to
Heaven?"

"Not me," she says, "Tonight I am going to go burn down a church"

They were shocked and asked "Why??"
"Well, none of the men I like are going to go to heaven. I
am just going to make sure I won't either".


A lady from Chicago was visiting New York City. Her hostess
was determined to make the Midwesterner feel cheap and
unimportant. "My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly,
"here in the East we think breeding is everything."

The lady from the Midwest replied. "Out where I come
from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few other
interests as well."

 

 
 
 Click through the picture for the large version
 
Bucciali TAV Saoutchik 'Fleche d'Or' Berline 
4.9 liter V12 engine, 
Built in 1931, one of the first front wheel drive cars.


The other day, a gentleman went to a Dentist's office to have 
a tooth pulled.  The Dentist takes out a freezing needle to 
give him a shot.         

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man 
immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the 
gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection 
to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

 The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
 
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "
WOW"!  "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to 
hold on to when I pull your tooth"


Kenny went to the urologist complaining of discharge dripping
from his penis, the doctor took one look and told him he had V.D.

"No way," said the shocked Kenny, blushing terribly. "It must
be a cold."

"Call it what you like, Kenny," said the doctor. "But, until it
coughs and sneezes, we'll have to treat it for V.D."


Two cuties were comparing notes concerning
their latest boyfriends.  The first said, "He took
me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me
all these expensive jewels.

There was an  emerald-cut diamond of at least
five carats, a tennis bracelet of six  carats, and
even a wrist watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said the second young thing.

"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the
downside was that with all those carats, he
expected me to behave like a rabbit."




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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, October 23, 2010

519 Subscribers. Lost one subscriber.
Always makes me sad when I see that.

Now the harvest dust is in the air. Colder weather is forecast
and now the farmers are in a hurry. I hope they get all the 
crops off the fields safely!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
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A pretty young lady brought an under-weight baby to be
examined by the doctor.

"Hmm,"said the doctor, after looking at the baby,
"Very undernourished I'm afraid. Excuse me , madam..."

He undid the lady's blouse and examined her breasts with care.
"Just as I thought!" he announced. "You're not producing any
milk!"

"I should hope not, doc!" she beamed."I am his aunt."


An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide
eyes approached the gates of Heaven.
Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young
lady, if you are a virgin?" "I am," was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious,

St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several
minutes later the angel returned. "She's a virgin," the
angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she
does have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger
and faced the girl. "Well, miss, we're going to admit you.
What is your name?" She replied sweetly, "Snow White. "

 

 
 
 Click through the picture for the large version
  

A beautifully sculptured young blond was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed,"
she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a
writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I even failed at
that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full,
satisfying life. Why don't you try something humane, like nursing?"

The girl thought about this for a moment then sat up and bared one of her
large, beautiful breasts. She pointed her nipple at the doctor, and said,
"Well, if you think it will work, I'll give it a try. Go ahead, Doc!"


The reporter met the plane bringing back soldiers coming home 
from Afghanistan. He wanted to write a human interest story, 
and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when 
you get home?"

The soldier immediately replied, "Screw my wife."

The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, 
"Oh. Well, what's the second thing?"

"Then I'll take off these damned filthy combat boots!"


When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly,
she asked me to bring her a few items from home.
One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know
which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered.
"If you smile, put them back."




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Dear Webby's Humor Letter