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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, October 29, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper. She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed." Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?" she asked. He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!" Neil Smythe, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his class: "And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of the anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct positions possible in the sex act. If we classify these positions --" At this point, however, a deferential French student rose in the back of the classroom and said, "Monsieur le Professeur, I am sorry to be forced to interrupt you, but there are, actually, seventy-seven distinct positions possible." Professor Smythe regarded the French student with a frown. "My dear young man," he said, "my statement reflects long and serious research in the field by many of the most highly respected authorities, men of age and experience. We are ignoring mirror images and trivial variations, of course --" "Of course, Monsieur le Professeur. But I too, speak with knowledge. The fact is that I, myself -- I who am speaking to you at this moment -- can personally, of my own experience, vouch for the existence of seventy-seven." "Well," said Professor Smythe, "in a dispute such as this there is an easy way of settling the matter. I will carefully describe the seventy-six distinct positions, and when I am done I will ask you to describe a seventy-seventh, different from all the rest. The remaining students in the class will, I trust, keep careful count and judge between us." "Begin, Monsieur," said the Frenchman. "I will," said the professor. "We will start with the prime-basic, or common, position: woman horizontal-dorsal, man horizontal-ventral, parallel in line and direction through a vertical axis of symmetry --" "Sacrebleu," cried the Frenchman, "seventy-eight!" 
OK in Iran, but I wonder if she could safely do that in the US.
On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami." After a short pause and several clicks . . . "Geez. What a bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now." As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!" When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects." "Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off." Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally. As the undertaker pocketed the money, he told her: "That wasn't really necessary. I just nailed it on with the the staple gun." Three golf buddies are in a jam. All three of them spend all of their spare time playing golf and their wives have forced them on vacation together to the Bahamas. Two weeks, no golf. One week later: "I can't take it anymore" Buddy1 says. "Neither can I" Buddy2 cries. "No matter what, tomorrow, 8AM on the golf course". They all agree. "Do whatever it takes" says Buddy1. The next morning, they all show up, two of them looking not quite as happy as you'd think. "Shit," says Buddy3, "the only way I could get my wife to agree was to give her my credit card for a shopping spree. This is gonna cost me a bundle!" "I should be so lucky!" sais Buddy2. "I have to buy my wife one of those boats you saw in the harbour! I'm going to be working my butt off to pay for it!" Buddy1 just chuckled... "Whats so friggin' funny!" Buddy3 says. "Well, I just said 'Honey, it's golf or sex, your choice". She said "You are a lot better at golf. Take an umbrella, it might rain!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, October 28, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?" "Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out into the bushes in the back of the church yard." "Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?" 
Back to the cage!
Becky was lying on her death bed in the hospital when her husband came to visit her. Becky said to her husband, "you know Morris we have been married for over fifty years and we never had oral sex.Before I die I want you to try it on me. Morris agreed,and pulled the curtain closed around the bed and proceeded to lick her. Morris visited his wife the next day and found his wifesitting in a chair ,all made up and ready to go home. The doctors told Morris that a miracle had happened to his wife which was unexplainable. Morris smirked and then went into a deprresion. His wife said to Morris "whats wrong with you?" Morris replied, "If I had known before what I learned yesterday, I could have saved both of your sisters, and probably your aunt Sadie too! An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast. He stated to the masses "I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman, and by God I shall die an Englishman!" Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled "Shite man, have ye no ambition at all?" A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." The boy says, "That won't work." His mom says, "Why?" The boy replies. "Because Trish from next door comes by after you leave each day, and blows him back up!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, October 27, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There was a hooker named Jodi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiful victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?" Jodi responded, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's really original, I'll give you a $20 discount." A humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relatinship but one day princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more. "But why?" Gasped the humble crab. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess. "You're a lower class crustacean, and anyway you walk sideways." Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness. That night was the occasion of the Great Lobster Ball. Lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Only Princess Lobster sat by her fathers side, inconsolabe. Suddenly! The doors flew open! It was the humble crab. Slowly painstakingly, he made his way to the throne..walking straight..one claw after another. Step by painful step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally the crab spoke: "Shit, am I ever drunk! 
The third grade teacher was teaching English and recited for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited: "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little..." He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Ass." A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'" "Eighty...eighhhhtttt." "Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'" "One, two, three, four, five..." Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave them a squeeze. The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path. A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?" "I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed. "Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine too, 'cause I have to catch that sucker!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, October 26, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers. Wife: Who is this? Maid: This is the maid. Wife: We don't have a maid. Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house. Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there? Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife The wife is fuming. She says to the maid..."Listen, would you like to make $50,000? Maid: What will I have to do? Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot his ass and the bitch he's with. The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps. Maid: What do I do with the bodies? Wife: Throw them in the swimming pool. Maid: But there's no pool here. (a long pause) Wife: Is this 832-4821? An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when the old man pulled over and told the teenager to drive. The teenager pulled out into traffic smoking the tires. after the teen came to a stop, he looked at the old man and asked "Do you smell that SHIT!" The old man replied " I aught to, I'M SITTING IN IT!" 
Exercising-horses-BULGARIA-style
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Change? Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The Governement will take care of it and make sure no capitalist will take advantage of the situation and steal unfair profits from the people. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Nazi Skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: FUCK YOU!!! Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None.... There never *was* any light bulb, don't you remember? Jill was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were dancing and Jill asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said, "I prefer Dick." Jill said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with he wedding?" Aaron accidentally accidently a nickel in the outhouse and looks down into the hole and says, "No I can't do that, not for a nickel." So he drops 2 dimes into the shit and says, "But for a quarter I can". When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about crap for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texas man said, "Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas." The second speaker said, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, but, just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that can out-lie a Texan."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, October 25, 2009 3 inches of snow provided another stimulus package for the body shops and the auto industry. This Global Cooling is great for the economy! Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin. A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down. It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience. He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, ....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!" "I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?" 
Boudreaux once spent days lookin for his new hat. Finally, he decide dat if he go to church on Sunday an sit at da back, durin da service he could sneak out an grab a hat frum da rack at da front door. So, on da followin Sunday, Boudreaux went to church an sat at da back. Da sermon was bout da Ten commanments. He sat through da whole sermon an instead of sneaking out he wait til da preachin was over an went to talk to da priest. "Fadar Pierre," Boudreaux say, "I came here today to steal a hat to replace da one I lost. But you sermon on da Ten Commanments make me change my mind, yea." Fadar Pierre say, "Bless you my son. Was it wen I start to preach dou shall not steal, dat changed you heart?" Boudreaux say, "Mais non, it was da one on adultry. Wen you start to preach on dat, I remember where I left dat hat, me." A newlywed couple and thier families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier. "Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts." "Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge. "You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and dislocated my jaw!" A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!" After great thought, I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Congress think of this? Sincerely, Bill Clinton
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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