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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, October 27, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There was a hooker named Jodi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiful victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?" Jodi responded, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's really original, I'll give you a $20 discount." A humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relatinship but one day princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more. "But why?" Gasped the humble crab. "Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess. "You're a lower class crustacean, and anyway you walk sideways." Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness. That night was the occasion of the Great Lobster Ball. Lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Only Princess Lobster sat by her fathers side, inconsolabe. Suddenly! The doors flew open! It was the humble crab. Slowly painstakingly, he made his way to the throne..walking straight..one claw after another. Step by painful step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally the crab spoke: "Shit, am I ever drunk! 
The third grade teacher was teaching English and recited for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her." A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited: "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little..." He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose. "Prose!" the teacher said weakly. So Johnny said, "Ass." A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'" "Eighty...eighhhhtttt." "Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'" "One, two, three, four, five..." Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave them a squeeze. The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path. A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman, said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?" "I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed. "Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine too, 'cause I have to catch that sucker!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, October 26, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers. Wife: Who is this? Maid: This is the maid. Wife: We don't have a maid. Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house. Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there? Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife The wife is fuming. She says to the maid..."Listen, would you like to make $50,000? Maid: What will I have to do? Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot his ass and the bitch he's with. The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps. Maid: What do I do with the bodies? Wife: Throw them in the swimming pool. Maid: But there's no pool here. (a long pause) Wife: Is this 832-4821? An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when the old man pulled over and told the teenager to drive. The teenager pulled out into traffic smoking the tires. after the teen came to a stop, he looked at the old man and asked "Do you smell that SHIT!" The old man replied " I aught to, I'M SITTING IN IT!" 
Exercising-horses-BULGARIA-style
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One-third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a suprising twist at the end. Q: How many boring people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Change? Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny! Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a truckload of light bulbs! Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The Governement will take care of it and make sure no capitalist will take advantage of the situation and steal unfair profits from the people. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Nazi Skinheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: FUCK YOU!!! Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None.... There never *was* any light bulb, don't you remember? Jill was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell. So they were dancing and Jill asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" He said, "I prefer Dick." Jill said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with he wedding?" Aaron accidentally accidently a nickel in the outhouse and looks down into the hole and says, "No I can't do that, not for a nickel." So he drops 2 dimes into the shit and says, "But for a quarter I can". When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about crap for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texas man said, "Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas." The second speaker said, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, but, just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that can out-lie a Texan."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, October 25, 2009 3 inches of snow provided another stimulus package for the body shops and the auto industry. This Global Cooling is great for the economy! Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin. A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down. It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience. He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, ....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!" "I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?" 
Boudreaux once spent days lookin for his new hat. Finally, he decide dat if he go to church on Sunday an sit at da back, durin da service he could sneak out an grab a hat frum da rack at da front door. So, on da followin Sunday, Boudreaux went to church an sat at da back. Da sermon was bout da Ten commanments. He sat through da whole sermon an instead of sneaking out he wait til da preachin was over an went to talk to da priest. "Fadar Pierre," Boudreaux say, "I came here today to steal a hat to replace da one I lost. But you sermon on da Ten Commanments make me change my mind, yea." Fadar Pierre say, "Bless you my son. Was it wen I start to preach dou shall not steal, dat changed you heart?" Boudreaux say, "Mais non, it was da one on adultry. Wen you start to preach on dat, I remember where I left dat hat, me." A newlywed couple and thier families were in court. The judge was questioning the best man about the fight which broke out at the wedding reception a few weeks earlier. "Your Honor, we were having a wonderful time. Everyone was dancing and celebrating. As you know,... it's traditional for the best man to have a dance with the bride. And that's exactly what I was doing when the fight broke out. After our first dance, the music continued, so I danced with her during the second song. After that, the music STILL continued, so I danced with her during the third song. That's when the groom jumped over the tables and gave the bride a powerful kick in the crotch and a couple of punches to her breasts." "Wow, that must've been very painful." said the judge. "You bet it was painful!" replied the best man. "It broke six of my fingers and dislocated my jaw!" A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!" After great thought, I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Congress think of this? Sincerely, Bill Clinton
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, October 24, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
John is walking along an empty road one day, and comes to a ladder that extends into the clouds. He's curious, so he starts climbing up. He comes to the lowest cloud and sees a naked ugly, fat woman waiting on a bed. She says, "Take me now or climb higher to success." Disgusted, John climbs higher. He comes to an average looking woman who is slightly overweight. She says, "Take me now or climb higher to success." Thinking, "I can do better than this," he climbs higher still. He comes to a pretty woman with a nice body. She looks at him seductively and says, "Take me now or climb higher to success." John sees the pattern, and continues climbing. He finds a gorgeous woman with an amazing body lying on the bed looking at him with lust in her eyes. She rubs herself suggestively and moans, "Take me now or climb higher to success." John is wondering how it can get any better and climbs to the next level. He finds a disgusting, ugly fat man eating a chicken leg in only a g-string. He smiles at John, bearing yellowed teeth. John looks perplexed and asks, "Who are you?" The ugly fat man replies, "I'm Cess!" My uncle sent me this one: My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. You know, golf...that's the game where you chase a little ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr. Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?" "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off." "What's tee off?" "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere." "No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." "You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee." Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I said so. He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure" "You're balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course," I told him. "Well, can you open your bag and take one out?" "I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to." "Don't you have a zipper on your bag?" "No, I am the old fashioned type." "Do you know how to hold your club?" Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands..." Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..." No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about. He asked, "How do your hold your club?" And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers". He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me, and said for me to bend over and he would show me. Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four years in the Navy for nothing. He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it soars and soars..." I could well imagine that. "... and when you're on the green..." "What's the green?" "That's where the hole is." "Sure you're not color blind?" "Then you take your putter in your hands" "What's a putter?" "That's the smallest club made." "That's what I got, a putter." "And with it, you put your ball into the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter." "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter too." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon. "Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to the next 17." Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot to hell. "You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I know when I am in the 18th hole?" "The flag will go up!" Uh, huh... 
After a pleasant date the guy parked his car 200 yards from the girl's apartment, pulled out his dick and placed her left hand on it. She slapped him with her right hand, got out of the car and started to run home, turned around, and screamed, "I've got two words for you: Drop Dead!" "And I've got two words for you, "he screamed back. "LET GO!!!" From Leo When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my fiancée quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the cancelled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service." A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for the fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she told him "put your hands between my thighs to warm them up". He did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said "honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him "Here put your hands between my thighs to warm them up again". So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "Honey my hands are cold again". She then said, "Damn don't your ears ever get cold?" A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "you know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say; bell 1, I want you to strip naked. Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say bell 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled "bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "bell 2!", The wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "bell 3!", They began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "bell 4!" "What the hell is bell 4?" Asked the husband?. "Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!" A man was driving along a rural Alabama road in his beat up old Dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage. A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it. At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As the cars speed along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: "You won't believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn and shaking his fist trying to get by!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, October 23, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia From Ruby Well, Darlin', don't sweat the Obamma dropoffs, the rest of us still love ya! No great loss if they're gone. I'll just forward your letter to some more of my frends and ask them to subscribe! Love ya, gal, keep up the great job you are doing! Ruby
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving advice on how to work out problems. and a friend were invited to a pot-luck party. Everybody brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it, said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex Cake." After 's friend tasted it, she blurted out, "I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert." If you can't find the book you are looking for, you might be at the 
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide one among them. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven. So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him if He's able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "Ok, Your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a simple hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day." An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?" The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?" "For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied. One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?" The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week." "She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself." "No," the first Irishman replied. "had to toss her off the cliff meself." An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Pedicurist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain." Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his pecker and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. "That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist. "Holy Shit, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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