Good Morning 
It's Friday,  October 23, 2009
Enjoy!
Ophelia

From Ruby
Well, Darlin', don't sweat the Obamma dropoffs, the rest of us still 
love ya!  No great loss if they're gone.  I'll just forward your letter to 
some more of my frends and ask them to subscribe!
Love ya, gal, keep up the great job you are doing!
Ruby


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

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In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for
divorce but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun.
It's nice to know the government is giving advice on how to work
out problems.


 and a friend were invited to a pot-luck party. 
Everybody brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, 
the person who prepared it, said the recipe was called
"Better Than Sex Cake."

After 's friend tasted it, she blurted out, 
"I sure feel sorry for the person who named this dessert."



If you can't find the book you are looking for, 
you might be at the




Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and
they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be
admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space
left that day, so St. Peter must decide one among them.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why
she should go to heaven.

So she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're
the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will
please him if He's able to see them every day for eternity."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question.
She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "Ok, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I
show you two of God's own creations, she performs a
simple hygiene act, and gets in and I don't?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a
pair any day."


An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in
hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing
here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to
pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a
faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.


One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool
next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife.  She was a
saint on earth.  She went to church every single morning, spent her days
reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening,
filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests
and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good
Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied.  "had to toss her off the cliff meself."


An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse
stumbles into a Pedicurist's office instead and weaves
over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the
examination bed and says, "Stick it through that
curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out
his pecker and sticks it through the crack in the
curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

"Holy Shit, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"

 
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your
mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we
order burial, embalming or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  October 21, 2009
We  dropped down to 489 subscribers. 
Looks like the Obama fan unsubscribed.

Are all your friends prim and proper old fogies, 
whom you can't tell about me? 
Please help me grow!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a
car pulled up beside him and wound down its window.
"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" said the
driver.
"No way, get stuffed!" replied the boy.
"How about a bag of lollies and 10 bucks" the driver asked.
"I said no way" replied the boy
"What about a bag of lollies and 50 bucks?" asked the driver.
"No, I'm not getting in the car." answered the boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a bag of lollies and $100" the driver offered.
"No!" replied the boy.
"What will it take to get you in the car?" asked the driver.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought the silly Volvo, 
it's all yours."

One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing
downtrodden. Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming
and asked him why he's so glum.

"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking
through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow
White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her
told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be
revived through a kiss from my very lips. I gave her a peck on
the cheek. Nothing. So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while
massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm
making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when
suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes'!"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince
Charming. "Then she is alive!"

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, "Nah. She
faked it."






Mary: So I told my ex, "You just don't arouse me!"
Jill: Well, that's pretty forthright! What did he say?
Mary: He said, "Well, maybe you have a dry well!"
Jill: OOH!
Mary: It was all right. I told him, I just need a better driller."


Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when
 his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you
 shot one with your gun how many would be left."
"None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the
 way you are thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there
 were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was
 licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the
 third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking
 the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on
 her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."


SITTING ON THE PORCH A boy was walking down the street when
 he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking
 chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing
 on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week
 I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
 This is your Grandma's idea."


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs.  Parks, asked her class, Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not
be asking 6th graders a question like that!  I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a
sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs.  Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell
open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs.  Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, As
for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

1) you have a dirty mind,
2) you didn't read your homework, and
3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 
Lynn was nursing her baby in a public bathroom when a
little girl and the girl's grandmother entered the room.
"What's she doing, grandma?"

"Feeding her baby."

"How?"

"She's feeding her at her breast."

"Grandma, I saw Mommy feeding the postman like that last week. "


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  October 21, 2009
I  have finally crept up to 490 subscribers. 
Are all your friends prim and proper old fogies, whom you can't tell
about me? Please help me grow!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed 
away, Katie went straight  to her grandparent's house to 
visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her 
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we 
were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 
100 years old having sex would surely be asking 
for trouble "Oh no, my dear," replied granny,
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured 
out the best time to do it was when the church bells 
would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and
slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the 
Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd
still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


"Didn't you follow my advice about kissing your
girlfriend when she least expects it?" asked the
older brother.

"Now you tell me!!" replied the younger sibling
with the swollen eye.
I thought you said 'where'."






Old Paddy Murphy took his wife to the hospital to have a baby.  After
waiting for a while in the waiting area, Paddy picked up the hospital
house phone, called the doctor and said, "hello, this is Mr. Murphy.
What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"  The doctor answered, "You are the
father of a fine baby boy, but hold on because it's not all over yet."

        After about a half hour, Paddy called the doctor back and
asked, "Hello, this is Mr. Murphy.  What's the news on Mrs. Murphy?"
The doctor answered, "You're the father of twins, a boy and a girl, but
hold on because it's not all over yet."

        After another half hour, Paddy called back and asked,"Hello,
this is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"  The doctor ansered, "You're the
father of triplets -- two boys and a girl.  It's not all over yet, but
it's slowing down, so why don't you go get something to eat; I'll be
here all night."

        So Paddy went to a pub and got himself six shots of good Irish
whiskey which he washed down with six pints of Guiness.  He then went
over to the phone, somewhat unsteadily, and called the doctor at the
hospital -- or thought he did.  Actually, he misdialed, and dialed the
local cricket club.  When the person answered, Paddy asked,"Hello, this
is Mr. Murphy, what's the news?"  

The recording was still playing when they found Murphy out cold
on the floor, "All out for a hundred and one, 
and the last one out was a duck."


Lady Crofton-Smythe was giving an upper-crust party, and had hired Lena,
a girl recently come to London from County Cork, as a maid.

As Lena was setting up the tea service, Lady C-S told her to be certain
that there were sugar tongs available.

Lena had never heard of sugar tongs, and asked the Lady what they were
and why they were used.

Lady C-S, always happy to Enlighten the Unenlightened, told Lena that
the problem lay with the gentlemen, who would go to the loo, and to do
what they needed to do, had to touch things which were less than
acceptably sanitary. Yes, even the Nobility was subject to this
masculine frailty.

"Sure, Ma'am, 'twas nothing like this Oi ever saw in Ireland," Lena said,
impressed.

"Well, the Irish will learn manners someday, Lena," said the Lady, with
an instinctive lifting of her nose.

After the guests had begun arriving that evening, Lady C-S was dismayed
and infuriated not to see any sugar tongs on the tea service.

Lena, trembling, came quickly in answer to the Lady's angry shout.

"But...but, m'Lady, sure, an' Oi put the tongs out just as you told me
to."

Her furious employer pointed to the tea table, devoid of tongs. "Then
where are they, young woman?"

"Why, they're in the loo, of course."


Maureen O'Murrah had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since both
of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the
confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to
meet the cab, she had left her purse behind.

As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about
the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride.

In great embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this,
Sir, but me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but
I'm not havin' the money to pay you just now."

The driver was...well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's
all right Missy, I'll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get
back there with you, and I'll just take your panties off."

Maureen chuckled, and said "Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade
that you'll be gettin'. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents."


O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he
sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare
and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the
man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now
O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil
agrees.
"For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and
beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
"For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two
mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him.
"For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"

 
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when
he was given an opportunity to  display his ability at getting the ship
under way. With a  stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing  with
men and soon, the ship had left port and was  streaming out of the channel.

   The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the  deck was abuzz
with talk that he had set a new record  for getting a destroyer under way.

   The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not  all surprised when
another seaman approached him with  a message from the captain.

   He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a  radio message,
and he was even more surprised when  he read, "My personal congratulations
upon completing  your underway preparation exercise according to the book
and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you  have overlooked one of
the unwritten rules -- make sure  the Captain is aboard before getting under
way."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  October 20, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The blind man, deaf man and the lame man went on
a pilgrimage to a healing spring The blind man
washed his eyes with water from the spring and
exclaimed "I can see! I can see!"

The deaf man washed his ears with the spring
water and exclaimed "I can hear! I can hear!'

The lame guy drove his wheelchair into the water
and the other side out "I got new tires!"


A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note 
attached to a customers door saying, 
"I need 45 gallons of milk."

He knocked on the door and a beautiful lady answered it. 
"Is this a mistake?"  the milkman asked.

"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that 
bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."

"Really," replied the milkman. "Okay, do you want that 
pasteurised?"

"No, up to my boobs would proably be OK," she said.



Floating Bottle! Must be getting close to Hawaii!



A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as
part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking
them some questions...

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband 
sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby
and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and
said, "Every time."


A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells
at him, "Hey!  Come over here, buddy!"  The jogger is stunned, but
runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you
talking to me???"

The horse replies, "Sure am!  Listen, I've got a problem.  I won the
Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and
now all I do is pull a plow.  I'm sick of it.  Why don't you run up
to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me?  I'll make you some real
money, 'cause I can still run."

Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head.  So he runs up to the
farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The
jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old,
broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

Says the farmer,  "Son, you can't believe everything you hear. He's
never even been to Kentucky."


Two out of work Polish bums decided that they would be
 better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a
 ride.

The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light
 district.

A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy,
 would you like a hand job?"

The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and
 said,  "Hey guy,would you like a blow job?"

The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!"

After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said,
 "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been
 here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!"


Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and
 daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and
 asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one -
 they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one.  How much are
 they??"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow
 that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and
 said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10.  There's $110 under
 my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the $100 bill is from Grandma!"

Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and
 daughter-in-law.

Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and
 asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one -
 they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one.  How much are
 they??"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank.
He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow
 that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and
 said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10.  There's $110 under
 my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  October 19, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Why do drivers' education classes in Calgary schools use the 
car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? 
 
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. 

John returned home one night to find his wife lying
naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to
strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in
the ashtray beside the bed.

"All right," John shouted, "I demand to know where
this cigar came from!"

A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana."



Help! They pulled me in!



Where does an Irish family go on vacation? 

A different pub. 


A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is
exhausted all the time.

After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets
 around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to fill in Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday..

"I can't," says the woman.  "On those days my husband
is home and I have a headache!"


The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign:
"Kisses - $5 to $50."

One young man asked the girl in the booth if the price range was
a matter of duration.

"Nope!" she smiled. "Lip placement...."


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about
 their professions...

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Prick, Immature, Environmentalist

The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, biker"

They turn to a woman and ask her, "
What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com