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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, October 20, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The blind man, deaf man and the lame man went on a pilgrimage to a healing spring The blind man washed his eyes with water from the spring and exclaimed "I can see! I can see!" The deaf man washed his ears with the spring water and exclaimed "I can hear! I can hear!' The lame guy drove his wheelchair into the water and the other side out "I got new tires!" A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk." He knocked on the door and a beautiful lady answered it. "Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked. "No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac." "Really," replied the milkman. "Okay, do you want that pasteurised?" "No, up to my boobs would proably be OK," she said. 
Floating Bottle! Must be getting close to Hawaii!
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking them some questions... "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Every time." A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey! Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???" The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run." Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch. The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field." Says the farmer, "Son, you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Kentucky." Two out of work Polish bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Hey guy, would you like a hand job?" The bum shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!" A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Hey guy,would you like a blow job?" The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr, no it's okay!" After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes and we've been offered two jobs already!" Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??" His son replied, "$10 each." Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the $100 bill is from Grandma!" Grandpa and Grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one. His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong and expensive." Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they??" His son replied, "$10 each." Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night. The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!" Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, October 19, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Why do drivers' education classes in Calgary schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. John returned home one night to find his wife lying naked in bed. His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed. "All right," John shouted, "I demand to know where this cigar came from!" A muffled voice came from under the bed, "Havana." 
Help! They pulled me in!
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different pub. A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to fill in Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday.. "I can't," says the woman. "On those days my husband is home and I have a headache!" The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign: "Kisses - $5 to $50." One young man asked the girl in the booth if the price range was a matter of duration. "Nope!" she smiled. "Lip placement...." Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions... The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Prick, Immature, Environmentalist The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet." The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, biker" They turn to a woman and ask her, " What are you? " She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, October 18, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other "So, what do you hunt?" He answered "I hunt unicorns." The first hunter was startled, but said "Really? How do you do that?" The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. They like posing with virgins. When it does, it sets off a snare." The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!" 
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves. A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free." "That's right," replies the madam, "on Tuesdays we're on cable..." A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way." The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!" The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch! He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life. The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea." "That wife of mine is a liar and a cheat ," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" "So she's a liar and a cheat. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, October 17, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
What is the one thing that all women in singles bars have in common? They're married and the un-tanned line, where their ring is, when they are at home, is just as visible as a ring would be. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol,we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Thasch why you alwaysch feel scho schmart affer a few beers. 
Plane repaired with duck tape after bear attack
In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term. One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?" "Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas." Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound which occurred immediately before the Big Bang. Apparently, that sound was "OOOPS!." The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a hooker." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number." Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, October 16, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband...the mail man!!" One day before class, Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Figpot saw the fly sitting on the notebook and smashed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the grade book once again. Again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Figpot crazy. She started to pound the book with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book turned into a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened. Then Miss Figpot called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said. "That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a you naked on the fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick." 
Balance
Houndslow had handled all of Harrington's legal affairs for years, and one day he had to make a difficult telephone call to his old acquaintance. Being the forthright type, he got right to the point. "Harrington, I have some terrible news and some really awful news." The businessman sat down and disconnected the speakerphone. "Shoot, Houndslow." "The terrible news is that your wife found a picture that's going to be worth several hundred thousand dollars," the lawyer informed him. "That's the terrible news?" Harrington was intrigued. "I can hardly wait to hear the really awful news." "It's a picture of you and your receptionist." The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills the prescription. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. *Three times!* He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come all at once!" Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone. The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!" This beautiful young blonde walks into the health clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me, ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?" "I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the nurse. "Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm because I wear a sleepless nightgown." "You mean a sleeveless nightgown?" "Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh because I have a zucchini bathing suit." "You mean a bikini?" "Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia." "You mean your vagina?" "All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, just as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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