Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  October 14, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

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Three ladies were having coffee. The first woman tells
her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, the people call him 'Your
Grace'."

Since the third woman sips her coffee in silence, the
first two women give her this subtle "Well...?"

Finally she responds: "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard
bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, the women say,
"Oh, my God...."


A priest was given the job of hearing the
confessions for an order of monks. The priest
returned to his parish that night and complained
to one of the nuns about how long each of the
monks took to enumerate all of their sins.

'Oh Father,' said the nun. 'It couldn't have been
that bad.'

The priest replied, 'Oh it was worse than you can
imagine. It was like being stoned to death with
popcorn and marshmallows.'






A Scottish private walked into the pharmacy near his base, pulled a beat-up,
mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asked the pharmacist how much it
would cost to repair the condom.

The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot welding
the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he could sell the
private a new one.

The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in two
hours with an answer."

Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and said, "The regiment has voted to
replace."


Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first
time.  Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a
pretty baby and baby buggy you have.  Where did you get your baby and what
did it cost?"

"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"

"Oh that's great!..  She's so pretty."

"Well thank you.  And where did you get your baby?  She's such a beautiful
little doll."

"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."

"Well she is certainly beautiful.  You must be very proud of her."

Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn.  Naturally the oo's and
aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and
how much did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital
and it cost about $5,000.""

The two little girls were stunned.  The group broke up, the real mommy
walked on.  Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said,
"You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me,
she REALLY got SCREWED!


Billy sent his wife a message that he'd be home a day earlier than
planned. 

Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man.
Bitterly, Billy kicked them out of the house, and started to plan 
a  course of action. His thoughts were interrupted by a call 
from his soon to be EX mother-in- law. She believed that there 
was no doubt a good explanation for her  daughter's behavior. 

Billy told her to buzz off. The next day his mother-in-law called again. 
"Didn't I tell you?" she said. "Didn't I  tell you there was an explanation? 
I just got through talking to your wife. 
She never got your email! It's all YOUR fault!"


Fools have never had a problem finding fooler people to admire them.

I read that Zero just got the Heisman Trophy for promising to tell
somebody to watch football games.



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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  October 13, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

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Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady
of  Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation.

"Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?"

"Well, Father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the
hall to the chapel  and I heard some of the older boys wagering
money!"

"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the
nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a
contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"

"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest,

"What did you do?"

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"


A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the
problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my
nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked,
"Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. 

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, 
trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, 
still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, 
but it's sure contagious!"



Politics



A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice
 about enlarging her breasts.  He tells her, "Every day
 when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your
 breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger
 boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several
 months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus
 when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
 At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to
 lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby
 dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith
 by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."


A first class teacher was having trouble with one of her
 students. The teacher asked, "Johny what is your problem?"
 Johny answered, "I'm too smart for the first class. My
 sister is in the third class and I'm smarter than she
 is! I think I should be in the third class too!"
The teacher had had enough.

She took Johny to the principal's office.
While Johny waited in the outer office, the teacher
 explained to the principal what the situation was. The
 principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test
 and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to
 go back to the first class and behave. The teacher
 agreed.

Johny was brought in and the conditions were explained to
 him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
 third class should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think
 Johny can go to the third class." The teacher says to
 the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
 only two of?"
Johny, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not  have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Johny "Pockets."

Now no reactions or special face symbols on Johny's face.
He was so cool!
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Johny: Coconut

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
 sticky ?
Johny: Bubblegum.

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
 down and a dog on three legs?
Johny: Shake hands.

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,
 answer me.”
Johny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
 get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johny: Tent.

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
 you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tensed.
Johny: Wedding ring.

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
 When you blow me, you feel good.

Johny: Nose.

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
 with a quiver.

Johny: Arrow.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
 teacher, "Put Johny in the fifth class, I missed the
 last ten questions myself."


Bob came to work one day, limping something awful. One of
his co-workers, Dave, noticed and asked Bob what happened.

Bob replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just a little  hockey injury
that I got last month."

"Gee, I never knew you skated let alone played hockey", said Dave.

"I don't. I hurt it when I put my foot through the TV during 
last year's Stanley Cup play-offs.


John O'Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club and 
one evening at the local Irish Toast Masters meeting, a contest 
was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Well, John O'Riley won the contest for the best toast of the 
evening, "Here's To The Best Years o' Me Life, 
Spent Between The Legs o' Me Wife."

When John O'Riley arrived home his beautiful wife asked him 
how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the 
contest for the best toast of the evening."

His wife then asked him what his toast was, and he said, 
"Here's To The Best Years o' me Life, Spent in Church wi' me Wife."

His wife then said, "Why John, that's so nice of you to 
include me in your Toast."

The next morning, Mrs.  O'Riley was downtown shopping and ran 
into the local police man on the beat who was also at the Toast Masters 
meeting with John O'Riley.

He said, "Hello Mrs.  O'Riley, that was some great toast that 
your husband John gave at the Toast Masters meeting last evening.  
He won first prize".

"Yes, that's right," said Mrs.  O'Riley, "but he wasn't quite 
honest with the facts: he's only been there twice, 
the first time he fell asleep and the second time I had to 
pull him out by the ears."



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  October 12, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Recently, my redneck neighbors invited me to a party. Here was our
conversation:

"Hey man! Where are you? We're having a great party over here.
Why don't you come on over and join us?"

I replied, "I'm not feeling so good. I think I'm gonna stay right here."

"Well, hey. What'cha got?" they asked.

"I got a case of diarrhea," I responded.

"Well, hell.. bring it along. These fools will drink anything!"


A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when
his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt.

Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their
relationship had been purely platonic up to that point anyway.  They
decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where
certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem.

Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a Golden Retriever ran
up and threw a bucket of water on them.






A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple's
conversation headed towards political and international events. The
husband asked, "Honey. What do you think about the Middle East position." 

His wife replied, "I don't know, dear, Have we already tried it?"


Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly
impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink
coat. "That's a lovely garment Joan," purred Kay.
"It must have cost a fortune!" Sue said.
"No, it didn't," said Joan, "just a single piece of ass."
"You mean," Barb chimed in, "one that you gave your husband?"
"No," smiled Joan "One that he got from the maid."

An employee of USAir by the name of James Gay boarded a US Air flight with
a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and
claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty
seat.


Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US Air
employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have
to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more
needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay
and said to the man now sitting there,
"Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said,
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendant said,
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this,
(and was rather amused) jumped up and said,
"Excuse me, you've made a mistake I'm Gay!"

Another man jumped up and yelled,
"Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"


A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught
a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to
get one.

They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice
versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and
got another license.

This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in
the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal,
and any children you might have would be technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's what the clerk called you."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  October 11, 2009
We got more snow. But not nearly as much as Winnipeg.
They broke their 1782 record with a FOOT of snow.
No Gullible Warming there either!
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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An American tourist in Punjab walked into a beautiful
 park and found a lovely pool in it, and decided
 to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone,
 and undressed and just as she was about to dive in, the
 Gardner appeared from behind the bushes where he was
 hiding all along and said, "Madam! Swimming not allowed!"

"You could have told me that before I took off my clothes!"
 the American woman scolded him.

The gardner replied, 'Madam, only swimming not allowed,
 taking off clothes allowed!


A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in
 contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is
 the size of an orange.  The bartender hands the guy his
 beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to
 compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
 But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly.  He's obviously fielded this
 question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the
 woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the
 cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to
 a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me.
 Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three
 wishes.'"

"Keep going!" the bartender urged.

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the
 frog a kiss. POOF!!!!  The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous,
 naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I
 want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded,
 snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that
 I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied,
 "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this
 stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me.
 We made love right there by that stream for hours!
 Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other,
 sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered
 into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish.
 What will it be?"

I looked at her and asked, "How 'bout a little head?'"
.....POOF!!!






A professor of mathematics sent an email to his wife:
Dear Wife:

You must realize you are 54 years old and I have certain
 needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.  I am
 otherwise happy with you as a wife.  I sincerely hope you
 will not be hurt or offended to learn that, by the time
 you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with
 my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before
 midnight.
Your Husband

When he arrived at the hotel, a faxed letter waited for him:

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this
 letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year
 old pool boy.  Since you are a mathematician, you will
 appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes
 into 18.  Therefore, don't wait up.
Your Wife


A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he
 notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to
 look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to
 the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk
 around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a
 penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would
 really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice
 cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a
 real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas
 station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
 The mechanic looks up and says, It looks like you blew a
 seal.

No, no, the Penguin replies. "It's ice cream !"


Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to
Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a
large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over
a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps
and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more
experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too
screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked
for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing
to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady,
Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely
anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit,
and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams,
"NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like
this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done
the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she
has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She
just has to find out what this man wants, that has made her
girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees
a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the
house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They
frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in
Canadian currency?"


A mother gets up during the night to do as
nature intended, when she hears some strange
noise from the living room. Going to investigate,
she snaps on the light.

She is utterly surprised to find her daughter stark
naked on the couch, with a young man the mother
didn't know atop of her.

"Well -- I NEVER!" exclaimed the mother.

"But mom, you MUST have!" smirked the daughter.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  October 10, 2009
Did ya hear what Sven and Ole did now?
No, not the ones featured in all the Minnesota jokes, 
the ones who were not smart enough to emigrate.

Even the fans of The Great Hypnotist were stunned. 
They said "HE is going to do great things and 
HE is going to save the world, but aren't those prizes
for something somebody has already done, even if it is 
just a bunch of lies and crap like like Gore and his 
Global Warming BS?"

I bet good ol Nobel is turning in his grave fast enough to 
win the Roto-Rooter Prize.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Ole and Lena were so excited to get a new cellular phone. 
Ole was to call when he was on his way home from town. Ole 
called Lena when he entered the freeway. 
"Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home."

Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some idiot is driving 
the wrong way on the freeway."

"It's vorse than that Lena, vhere I'm at, dere are a hunred 
cars going the wrong way!"


Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very 
wealthy Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any 
religious views?"

"No," said Lena, "but I got some nice pictures of Norway.



Norvegian GPS



Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in 
da carburetor."
Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous."
Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor.
It vont run any more."
Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. 
Ver is da car?" 
Lena: "In da lake." 


Ole's neighbors, the lesbians next door, asked him what he 
would like for hisbirthday.

He was quite surprised when they gave him a fake Rolex

"It was very nice of dem", he said, "but I tink they 
misunderstood me when I said, "I vanna vatch."


Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in 
the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering 
his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say 
about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'."

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, 
"That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something 
more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned 
about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, 
"O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' 


A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is 
shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is 
afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the 
entire planet shits itself."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com