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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, October 10, 2009 Did ya hear what Sven and Ole did now? No, not the ones featured in all the Minnesota jokes, the ones who were not smart enough to emigrate. Even the fans of The Great Hypnotist were stunned. They said "HE is going to do great things and HE is going to save the world, but aren't those prizes for something somebody has already done, even if it is just a bunch of lies and crap like like Gore and his Global Warming BS?" I bet good ol Nobel is turning in his grave fast enough to win the Roto-Rooter Prize. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Ole and Lena were so excited to get a new cellular phone. Ole was to call when he was on his way home from town. Ole called Lena when he entered the freeway. "Lena put supper on, I'm on my way home." Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some idiot is driving the wrong way on the freeway." "It's vorse than that Lena, vhere I'm at, dere are a hunred cars going the wrong way!" Lena was being interviewed for a job as maid for the very wealthy Mrs. Diamond, who asked her: "Do you have any religious views?" "No," said Lena, "but I got some nice pictures of Norway. 
Norvegian GPS
Lena: "Der is trouble vit da car, sveetheart. It has vater in da carburetor." Ole: "Vater in da carburetor? Dat is ridiculous." Lena: "Ole, I tell you da car has vater in the carburetor. It vont run any more." Ole: "You don't even know vat a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Ver is da car?" Lena: "In da lake." Ole's neighbors, the lesbians next door, asked him what he would like for hisbirthday. He was quite surprised when they gave him a fake Rolex "It was very nice of dem", he said, "but I tink they misunderstood me when I said, "I vanna vatch." Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died'." The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.' A bear, a lion and a pig meet. Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says: "if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me." Pig says: "big deal.... I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, October 9, 2009 Nasty blizzard out today. The postman seemed to love it. About every third house he got called in to warm up. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"All right, you dumb bastards, fall in - on the double!" barked the sergeant as he strode into the barracks. Each soldier grabbed his hat and jumped to his feet, expect one - a private who lay in his bunk reading a book. " Well?" roared the sergeant. "Well," observed the private, "there certainly are a lot of dumb bastards in the Army, aren't there?" John returned home late and found a naked man in Jill's bedroom closet. "Hey, what are you doing in there?" "I'm riding a bus." "That's a stupid thing to say!" "That's a stupid thing to ask!" 
Doug was trying to hit on a Blackjack dealer in Las Vegas without success. Finally in desperation he said, "Look. I'll give ya a hundred to sleep with me tonight." "You ain't gonna get no where being so crude either buddy." the girl said. "Tell ya what. Try betting me sixty dollars at 2:1, that I won't put out for ya." Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the Army." A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie." Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. "Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman about to be married asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother told her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Her friend told her to wear her most sexy negligee with a V-neck right down to her navel." The man protested, "But reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "It doesn't matter what you wear; you're still going to get screwed." said the reverend.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, October 8, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Fuck if I know." She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and to bring his father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to observe. She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, shit , teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know." The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, "Johnny, shit , if you signed that fucking thing, you damn well better admit it!" A wife hands her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him: "Doesn't this belong to your secretary?" "Where did you find that?" he stutters. "I didn't," she answers. "The mail man found it on your night-stand." 
It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper." The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?" She sneered and replied, Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives undercutting me, I can't turn a single trick." A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.... Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ' If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, If the Preacher will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!' There is total silence! The Preacher, blushing, asks, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 'Screw the Preacher!'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, October 7, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Driving along on a sunny day, my sister was on top of the world. She was taking her granddaughter for a ride, and had her in the passenger seat next to her. After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, the granddaughter says, "Grandma, is Grandpa older than you?" "Why, yes," replied my sister, happy to hear this. "Your Grandpa is a few years older than I am." Wanting to hear more, she goes fishing for a compliment by saying, "Why do you ask, dear?" "Well," says her granddaughter, "his mustache is a lot bigger than yours." An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week." At a PTA Meeting it was explained to the parents how the sex education classes would proceed and what the overall content would be. The Principal advised the parents to closely follow-up with their children, especially to see if they had any questions. That night, one parent decided to put it into action. He called his older son into the study and requested that he instruct his younger brother about the "birds and the bees" talk he gave to his son two years ago; thinking to spare himself the ordeal all over again. The boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger brother. "Hey Herman," he said, "Want to know something ?" "What ?" the younger lad asked. "You know what a man and a woman do when they want to have kids ?" "Yeah, so?" "Well... Father wants me to tell you that birds and the bees and the flowers do the same thing." 
Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis." After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in Philadelphia for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda." "Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!" Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel Castro must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel Castro notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff." When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My God! Fidel Castro has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, October 6, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the check-out, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too." Three young people met at a coffee hour following the Church service. The first young man said, "My name's Paul, but I'm not an apostle." The second in keeping with the first fellow's lead said, "Well, my name's Peter, but I'm not a saint." The last of the trio, a pretty young lass said, "My name is Mary, but I'm nor virg.... OOOPS." 
St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says, "You were a good woman on Earth. I'm giving you a nice halo." Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo. Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?" St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel." A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed. "Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches." "Why?" he asked. "'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy. "I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me." Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place. "Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too." "Well, I'd better have a look," she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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