Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  October 8, 2009
Enjoy!
Ophelia


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  A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who
signed the Declaration of Independence?" He said, "Fuck if I know."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told him to go home and
to bring his father with him when he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back of the room to
observe.

She started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the boy. "Now,
Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the
Declaration of Independence?"

"Well, shit , teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't know."

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at
his son, and said, "Johnny, shit , if you signed that fucking thing,
you damn well better admit it!"


A wife hands her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him:

"Doesn't this belong to your secretary?"

"Where did you find that?" he stutters.

"I didn't," she answers.  "The mail man found it on your night-stand."





It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up
the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge;
three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first
lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a
college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done
enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions.
Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested
her to testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out
getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was
arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer
tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to
your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to
the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, Terrible Judge, with all these students and
housewives undercutting me, I can't turn a single trick."


 A Preacher was  explaining that he  must move on to a larger  
 congregation  that will pay him more.  

There is a  hush  within the  congregation....

Joe Smith, who owns  several car dealerships in the  city, 
stands up  and proclaims, '
If the  Preacher stays,  I will provide him with a  new Cadillac every year,  
and his wife with  a Honda mini-van to  transport  their children!'

The congregation  sighs in relief,  and applauds. 

Sam Brown, a  successful  entrepreneur and investor,
 stands  and says, 

If the Preacher will stay on  here I'll personally double his  salary 
and also establish a  foundation to  guarantee the college education  
of all his children!'  More sighs  and loud  applause. 

Sadie Jones, age  88, stands  and announces with a smile,  
'If the  Preacher stays, I will give him  sex!' 

There is total  silence!  

The Preacher,  blushing, asks,  'Mrs. Jones, whatever  possessed 
you to  say that?' 

Sadie's  90-year-old husband, Jake,  is now trying to hide,  holding 
his forehead with the palm of his  hand and  shaking his head from 
side to  side, while  his wife replies, 
 'Well, I  just asked  my husband how we could  help and he  said, 
'Screw the  Preacher!' 



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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  October 7, 2009
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Driving along on a sunny day, my sister was on top of the world. 
She was taking her granddaughter for a ride, and had her in the 
passenger seat next to her.

After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, the granddaughter 
says, "Grandma, is Grandpa older than you?"

"Why, yes," replied my sister, happy to hear this. 
"Your Grandpa is a few years older than I am." 
Wanting to hear more, she goes fishing for a compliment
 by saying, "Why do you ask, dear?"

"Well," says her granddaughter, "his mustache is a lot 
bigger than yours."


An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people
 in his parish  who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in
 the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to
 adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code
 word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they
 had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,
 until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the
 town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have
 to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people
 come into the confessional, they keep talking about having
 fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing  that no one had told
 the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an
 accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what
 you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."


At a PTA Meeting it was explained to the parents how the sex
education classes would proceed and what the overall content
would be.  The Principal advised the parents to closely follow-up
with their children, especially to see if they had any questions.

That night, one parent decided to put it into action.  He called his
older son into the study and requested that he instruct his younger
brother about the "birds and the bees" talk he gave to his son two
years ago; thinking to spare himself the ordeal all over again.

The boy agreed and rushed off to talk with his younger brother.
"Hey Herman," he said, "Want to know something ?"

"What ?" the younger lad asked.

"You know what a man and a woman do when they
want to have kids ?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Well... Father wants me to tell you that birds and the bees
and the flowers do the same thing."





Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they
are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two
weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and
looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have
much money and we don't have any material possessions.  However, one thing
I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand
shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a
confession to make.  I was just trying to impress you.  You know that
vacation I was telling you about?  Well, it's not to the French Riviera.
It's to my parents' house in Philadelphia for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me.  It's not a Mercedes.
He bought me a Honda."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make.  Canary
number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"


Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven.  When he gets there, 
St.  Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, 
no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel Castro must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him
to make himself at home.  Then Fidel Castro notices that he left his luggage in
heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of
little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - 
St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.  
Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the 
wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel
says to the other, "My God!  Fidel Castro has been in hell no more than 
ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  October 6, 2009
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the check-out,
she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got
on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of
the store apparently misunderstood the word
"Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH
YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN
WITH A HAMMER?"


Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really
down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem
was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had
our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat
Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."


Three young people met at a coffee hour following the Church service.
The  first young man said, "My name's Paul, but I'm not an apostle."
The second in keeping with the first fellow's lead said,
"Well, my name's Peter, but I'm not a saint."
The last of the trio, a pretty young lass said,
"My name is Mary, but I'm nor virg....  OOOPS."





St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says,
"You were a good woman on Earth. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess
Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says,

"St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and
the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable
work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."


A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the
 shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken
 sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said,
 pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of
 chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I
 think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and
 giblets too."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  October 5, 2009
It snowed again.
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Two sure ways to spot a REALLY sexy man (or
woman)
The first is, he (or she) has bad memory.
......
I forgot the second.


An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad
habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His
friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his
aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in
his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog
jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked
the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and
began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My
friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him
fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have
had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he
wasn't going to screw me."


Little Johnny had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his
uncle came to visit and Little Johnny was anxious to show off his newly
acquired skill. He asked his uncle to give him an addition question. So
his uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

Little Johnny counted it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

His uncle said, "Listen Little Johnny, you can't count it out on your
hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at
you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So Little Johnny put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What
is five plus five?"

His uncle saw movement in Little Johnny's pockets, and then Little
Johnny said, "Eleven!"




Is THAT the Global Warming the sheep keep talking about?


Snipped from an old Dear Webby Humor Letter
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the guys." I
told my wife that I'd be home by midnight. Promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too
easily. At around 2:30a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo
clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then farted."


A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a
famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.


  "Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just
won't go away."
     The doctor replied, "You have come to the right
place. This is what I want  you to do: go home, stare at
yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your
temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long
as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

  As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but
curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in
front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at
her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has
barely said it four times, when she realizes her
headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up
to the doctor.
     "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my
husband? He's been having problems in a certain
department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?" 

"About eight years ago." 

"Send him over."

     A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath
for her husband to come home from the doctor. He
arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the
bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch
and starts making wild passionate love to her. 
When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.
  A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her
bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young
man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks
himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has
become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom
door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband,
staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his
temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  October 4, 2009
It snowed Saturday. Cold wind too.
So much for Global warming!
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Two signs found on top of one another in a restaurant


   restrooms
    <-----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.


Naughty Maudie is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. Once in the air the
loudspeaker comes on:

"This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000
feet...etc. etc." When the announcement is finished Naughty Maudie beckons
to a stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big airplane is
being flown by a woman?"

"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."

"How wonderful!" Maudie replied. "I am so excited! Do you think you can
arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"

"Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the
co-pilot is also a woman."

"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit
so I can congratulate them both!"

"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew
of this plane are women."

"That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time ... this has
really made my day ... I just have to go to the cockpit to express my
admiration!"

"One more thing you might like to know ... We don't call it the cockpit any more.
It is now called the Box Office."


Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching
onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not
twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop,
goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that
guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough
and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the
strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"




Don't worry, Edna. I'll roll you a joint. That will stop your shaking.


Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past two months?
Nobody seen you around!"

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been inna jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the
cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!"

Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach, she was a-screamin and
a-kickin and a-yellin...."


During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to
spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We
arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from
our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged
through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal
appearance frequently left much to be desired.

The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the
mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a
camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he
said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"

He survived, the camera didn't.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com