Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  October 6, 2009
Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A lady picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the check-out,
she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got
on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
hear,"PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN,
TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of
the store apparently misunderstood the word
"Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over
the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH
YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN
WITH A HAMMER?"


Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really
down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem
was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had
our first fight last night."

Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?"

Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope."

Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat
Clothile is Catholic."

Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too."


Three young people met at a coffee hour following the Church service.
The  first young man said, "My name's Paul, but I'm not an apostle."
The second in keeping with the first fellow's lead said,
"Well, my name's Peter, but I'm not a saint."
The last of the trio, a pretty young lass said,
"My name is Mary, but I'm nor virg....  OOOPS."





St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and says,
"You were a good woman on Earth. I'm giving you a nice halo."

Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees Princess
Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.

Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says,

"St. Peter, I spent most of my adult life helping the poor and
the sickly. Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable
work I did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"

St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."


A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the
 shelter shed.
"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken
 sandwiches."
"Why?" he asked.
"'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said,
 pointing to the bottom of her tummy.
"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me."
Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.
"Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of
 chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too."
"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.
After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I
 think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and
 giblets too."



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  October 5, 2009
It snowed again.
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Two sure ways to spot a REALLY sexy man (or
woman)
The first is, he (or she) has bad memory.
......
I forgot the second.


An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad
habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His
friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his
aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in
his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog
jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked
the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and
began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My
friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him
fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have
had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he
wasn't going to screw me."


Little Johnny had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his
uncle came to visit and Little Johnny was anxious to show off his newly
acquired skill. He asked his uncle to give him an addition question. So
his uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"

Little Johnny counted it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."

His uncle said, "Listen Little Johnny, you can't count it out on your
hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at
you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So Little Johnny put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, "What
is five plus five?"

His uncle saw movement in Little Johnny's pockets, and then Little
Johnny said, "Eleven!"




Is THAT the Global Warming the sheep keep talking about?


Snipped from an old Dear Webby Humor Letter
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the guys." I
told my wife that I'd be home by midnight. Promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too
easily. At around 2:30a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted
solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told
her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got
away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo
clock.

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed three times, then said "Oh shit!" cuckooed four more
times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled,
cuckooed twice more, and then farted."


A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a
famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.


  "Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just
won't go away."
     The doctor replied, "You have come to the right
place. This is what I want  you to do: go home, stare at
yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your
temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long
as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."

  As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but
curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in
front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at
her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a
headache, I really don't have a headache...". She has
barely said it four times, when she realizes her
headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up
to the doctor.
     "Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my
husband? He's been having problems in a certain
department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?" 

"About eight years ago." 

"Send him over."

     A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath
for her husband to come home from the doctor. He
arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the
bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch
and starts making wild passionate love to her. 
When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom.
  A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her
bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young
man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks
himself in the bathroom again. At this point the wife has
become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom
door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband,
staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his
temples, repeating:

"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  October 4, 2009
It snowed Saturday. Cold wind too.
So much for Global warming!
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Two signs found on top of one another in a restaurant


   restrooms
    <-----
   Please wait for hostess to seat you.


Naughty Maudie is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe. Once in the air the
loudspeaker comes on:

"This is your captain Emilia Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000
feet...etc. etc." When the announcement is finished Naughty Maudie beckons
to a stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that this great big airplane is
being flown by a woman?"

"Yes, says the stewardess, Captain Rodrigues is a woman."

"How wonderful!" Maudie replied. "I am so excited! Do you think you can
arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to congratulate her?"

"Yes, I think I can arrange that. You might also like to know that the
co-pilot is also a woman."

"Oh, how exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let me go to the cockpit
so I can congratulate them both!"

"OK, you can do that. You might like to know that actually the entire crew
of this plane are women."

"That is the most exciting thing I have heard in a long time ... this has
really made my day ... I just have to go to the cockpit to express my
admiration!"

"One more thing you might like to know ... We don't call it the cockpit any more.
It is now called the Box Office."


Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching
onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not
twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop,
goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that
guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough
and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."

Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the
strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"




Don't worry, Edna. I'll roll you a joint. That will stop your shaking.


Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.
"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi, "where you been for the past two months?
Nobody seen you around!"

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi. "What for you been inna jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the
cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!"

Luigi countered. "Yeah, but dis beach, she was a-screamin and
a-kickin and a-yellin...."


During basic training for the Army Nurse Corps, we were required to
spend one week in the field roughing it. It rained the entire week. We
arose daily in our swampy tent, took a cold-water beauty bath from
our helmets, donned our pistol belts and ponchos, and trudged
through the mud to set up field hospitals. Obviously, our personal
appearance frequently left much to be desired.

The final blow to our feminine pride occurred while we waited in the
mess line in the mud and rain. A young private came by with a
camera and asked to take our picture. "It will prove to my girl," he
said, "that she has NO reason to be jealous!"

He survived, the camera didn't.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  October 3, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Last night John's wife stood up at the local pub
and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of
midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing
next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The barmaid was
almost crushed to death.


George's hobby was fishing. He spent all his
weekends near the river or lake and rarely paid any
attention to the weather.

One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river
as usual. It was cold and raining and the wind made
it quite uncomfortable, so he decided to return home.
He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid
near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up
behind her, sanked his arms around her and cupped 
her front.

She wiggled a bit but barely stirred..

"Really terrible weather today honey," he whispered.

"Yes. And that idiot George is out there fishing!"


A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the
Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash
lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a
tribe of cannibals and taken to their village.

The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and
they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they
grant that person his or her last wishes--no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the
trimmings, Cajun fries and case of beer."
The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into
the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The
Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of the most expensive Champagne and I'd
also like a big plate of escargot cooked in the French manner."
The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the
jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and
drinks his fill and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want
you to kick me in the ass as hard as you can."
The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive
the same reply.

The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and
kicks him as hard as he can.
With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of
the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman look at the Israeli and say: "If you had
that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN for
reacting to insufficient provocation!"





From Sgt Friday

Just The Facts

My name is Sgt. Friday.
I work on Tuesday.

Tuesday is my secretary.

One night we went to a party.

On our way there, we got a flat tire.
I jacked, she pumped; I jacked, she pumped;
Then she got out of the car to fix the tire.

When we got to the party, we all felt merry.
Mary got mad and left.

We all jumped for joy.
Joy got mad and left too.

Then a lady jumped out of the party cake.
We all had a piece.

The cake wasn't bad either.

Then I dropped my keys under the couch.
I felt, she felt; I felt, she felt;
Then I looked under the couch for my keys.

Then I took her home and we sat on the porch.
Someone threw a rock from a car and hit her on the tit.
Broke three of my fingers.

I was going to kiss her good night but she closed her
legs and broke my glasses.

Then her dad came out and told me to beat it.

So I did, then left.


A friend of mine is a nearly full blooded Cree, and big
enough that he proudly says: "I'm a f***ing Indian, 
not a politically correct wussie "Native" !"

We call him the "FBI". (F***ing Big Indian), and that is just
fine by him.

Last night somebody at the pub asked him why many books
call male Indians "Braves".

He thought for a moment, then replied: "Have you ever seen 
the women we have to marry?"

He walks with a limp now from the kick in the shin he got 
from his wife.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  October 2, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The dentist was striving to extract a tooth, but every time he got
ready to proceed, the patient clamped his jaws. At last, he took his
assistant aside and told her at the very moment he poised the forceps,
to give the patient's balls a vicious pinch.

The pinch was administered, the nervous patient's mouth flew open, and
the tooth was easily removed.

"Didn't hurt, did it?" asked the dentist.

"Not too much," replied the patient, "but who would have thought the
root went that deep?"


A man was walking along the beach and found a
bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he
opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for
letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a
wish, but only one - none of that three wishes jazz,
OK?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have
always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been
able to because I'm afraid of flying, and ships make
me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be
built from here to Hawaii."
The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some
thought said, "No, I don't think I can do that; think
about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and
how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom
of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steal and
concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry, you will
have to choose another wish."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,
"There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I
would like to be able to understand women. What
makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at
us so easily, what do they mean when they yell
"NOTHING!!!", what do they mean when they say "FINE!",
what are their true desires and needs?
Basically what makes them tick?!"

The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times.
"So, do you want two lanes or four on that stupid bridge?"


A group of Cubans flee Cuba on their way to Miami.
In the middle of their arduous journey, one of the Cubans
(the oldest one) suffers a major heart attack and as a last wish
asks for a flag to say good-bye to his dearest homeland Cuba.

Having abandoned everything in Havana, the other Cubans search
desperately in their boat to find something that will resemble a flag of
their country...a T-shirt, a handkerchief...anything. Almost ready to
abandon all hope, a beautiful 20-year-old girl interrupts their
desperate search to offer a tattoo of the Cuban flag that is inscribed
on the left cheek of her buttocks.

The young girl pulls down her shorts and slowly lowers her underwear
showing the Cuban flag on a beautifully shaped, tanned buttock cheek.
She approaches the dying man and sticks her ass right on his face.

The old man caresses the "flag," grabs her cheeks with both
hands and starts kissing the flag with great passion, saying,
"My dear Cuba, I say good-bye to you with great sadness.
My land, my flag, Havana...I will miss you so."

After going on for almost 15 minutes non-stop, he says to the girl,
"Now, Chica, turn around, por favor......I want
to kiss Castro good-bye!"




Hurry up and get over here! This is going to be noisy!
There are TWO cats in that tree!


An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and
was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there
something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging.
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"


A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave
his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he
brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her
husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place
when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the
garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you,
you should use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com