Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  October 31, 2009
Happy Halloween!
Enjoy!
Ophelia


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 A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, 
 so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their 
 search down to three people from different parts of Canada. 

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them 
all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one 
with the best answer would get the job. 

The question was: 
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her 
side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side 
facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? 

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give 
their answers. 

The first, from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer." 

The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way 
to determine the answer with the information we were given." 

The third one, from Newfoundland, says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I 
have it narrowed down to two names. 
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." 

The Newfoundlander got the job.


A workman who was extremely fond of garlic boarded a bus in 
a Southern city, and plumped himself down next to a haughty, 
sour-faced woman. She immediately became aware of the garlic 
fragrance, and observed icily,
"It's a wonder they don't run a special bus for persons who 
insist on eating garlic."

The workman cheerfully answered, "They do! This one is it.
You're on the wrong bus."






A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a
quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in
his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart,
asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, 
"A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round?"

"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes, ma'am, most of them do."

"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?


He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the
money.

He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
She said..."No problem, I'll get you some that is."


Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late
husband.'
She said...'That is a relief!'

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your 
looks, not with your brains?
She said...Because there is a bigger chance that a man can
see, that there is a chance that he can think.



Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician.
The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a
professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are
allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little
Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.

As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug
interaction Little Johnny must have.

Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the
bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  October 30, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Keli and Wendy went to lecture on positive thinking. After the
lecture was done, Wendy said to Keli, "You know, I learned a lot from
this. From now on, I am going to accentuate the positive and eliminate
the negative. From now on, I am going to use the word IS instead of the
word NOT."

"You're right Wendy. I am going to quit making negative statements too.
I am going to speak positively from now on as well", Keli said.

"Really Keli, like what?", asked Wendy.

"Well," Keli says, "I used to always say that Greg was not fit to live
with the hogs. Now I am going to say he IS fit to live with them."


"When my sugar daddy dies," confided Jeni to Debi, "I inherit the
lot... it's in his last will and testicles."

"You mean testament," chuckled Debi.

"No, testicles..." said Jeni, "I've got him by the balls."






A drunk stumbled into a doctor's office and said, "Shey, doc, you gotta
help me put my dick back on."

"Where is it?"

"Right here in my pocket."

"That's a cigar."

"Oh my God, doc! I smoked my dick!"


Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.     His father said,
"Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$80,000, and there is no way we can afford it. 

The next day his father saw Little Johnny heading out the door 
with a suitcase. So, he asked, "Son where are you going?" 

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night 
and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell 
you to wait, because she was coming too. And I'll be damned
if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 
mortgage and no bike!".


In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to
identify woman's ultimate fantasy.

97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have
two men at once.
While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears
that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and
the other is cleaning.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  October 29, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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Susan was in her late thirties and still not married. She
just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet
all ended up being jerks. Finally, she decided to place an
ad in the personals in the newspaper.

She wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't
leave me, and is excellent in bed."

Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call.
Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a
knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She
opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms
and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked.

He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"

She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."

"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect
man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no
legs, so I can never leave you."

"But are you good in bed?" she asked.

He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?!"


Neil Smythe, Professor of Sexual Physiology at Oxford, was lecturing his
class:  "And so, gentlemen, as you can see through a consideration of the
anatomical possibilities, there are precisely seventy-six distinct
positions possible in the sex act.  If we classify these positions --"

At this point, however, a deferential French student rose in the back of
the classroom and said, "Monsieur le Professeur, I am sorry to be forced
to interrupt you, but there are, actually, seventy-seven distinct
positions possible."

Professor Smythe regarded the French student with a frown.  "My dear young
man," he said, "my statement reflects long and serious research in the
field by many of the most highly respected authorities, men of age and
experience.  We are ignoring mirror images and trivial variations, of
course --"

"Of course, Monsieur le Professeur.  But I too, speak with knowledge.  The
fact is that I, myself -- I who am speaking to you at this moment -- can
personally, of my own experience, vouch for the existence of
seventy-seven."

"Well," said Professor Smythe, "in a dispute such as this there is an easy
way of settling the matter.  I will carefully describe the seventy-six
distinct positions, and when I am done I will ask you to describe a
seventy-seventh, different from all the rest.  The remaining students in
the class will, I trust, keep careful count and judge between us."

"Begin, Monsieur," said the Frenchman.

"I will," said the professor.  "We will start with the prime-basic, or
common, position:  woman horizontal-dorsal, man horizontal-ventral,
parallel in line and direction through a vertical axis of symmetry --"

"Sacrebleu," cried the Frenchman, "seventy-eight!"




OK in Iran, but I wonder if she could safely do that in the US.



On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did
his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just
the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap
themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the
passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets
to good use.

The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves,
and the captain's voice came on over the intercom. "Well, folks, that was
quite some ride, wasn't it? But we came through it fine, just the way we
always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our
trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd
like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend
our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami."

After a short pause and several clicks . . .

"Geez. What a bitchin' ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong
coffee and a blow job, right about now."

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the
captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after
her, "Don't forget the coffee!"


When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In
preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private
little talk.

"Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one
but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if
anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are
sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying
their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so
that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's
corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the
end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra
thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

As the undertaker pocketed the money, he told her: "That wasn't
really necessary. I just nailed it on with the the staple gun."


Three golf buddies are in a jam. All three of them spend all
of their spare time playing golf and their wives have forced
them on vacation together to the Bahamas. Two weeks,
no golf.

One week later: "I can't take it anymore" Buddy1 says.
"Neither can I" Buddy2 cries. "No matter what, tomorrow, 8AM
on the golf course". They all agree. "Do whatever it takes"
says Buddy1.

The next morning, they all show up, two of them looking not
quite as happy as you'd think. "Shit," says Buddy3, "the
only way I could get my wife to agree was to give her my
credit card for a shopping spree. This is gonna cost me a
bundle!"

"I should be so lucky!" sais Buddy2. "I have to buy my wife
one of those boats you saw in the harbour! I'm going to be
working my butt off to pay for it!" Buddy1 just chuckled...

"Whats so friggin' funny!" Buddy3 says. "Well, I just said
'Honey, it's golf or sex, your choice". 

She said "You are a lot better at golf. Take an umbrella, 
it might rain!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  October 28, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny,
"Do you know where little boys and girls go when they
do bad things?"

"Sure," Little Johnny replied. "They go out into the bushes in
the back of the church yard."


"Darling," said the young man to his new bride.
"Now that we are married, do you think you will be able
to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered.
"But what will you live on?"




Back to the cage!


Becky was lying on her death bed in the hospital when her husband came
to visit her. Becky said to her husband, "you know Morris we have been
married for over fifty years and we never had oral sex.Before I die I
want you to try it on me.

Morris agreed,and pulled the curtain closed around the bed and
proceeded to lick her. 

Morris visited his wife the next day and found his wifesitting in a chair ,all
made up and ready to go home. The doctors told Morris that a miracle
had happened to his wife which was unexplainable. 

Morris smirked and then went into a deprresion.

His wife said to Morris "whats wrong with you?"

Morris replied, "If I had known before what I learned yesterday, 
I could have saved both of your sisters, 
and probably your aunt Sadie too!


An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast.  He stated to
the masses "I was born an Englishman, I've
lived an Englishman, and by God I shall die an Englishman!"

Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled "Shite man,
have ye no ambition at all?"


A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a
thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally,
one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night
I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're
bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm
bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes 
him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because Trish from next door comes by 
after you leave each day, and blows him back up!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  October 27, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

There was a hooker named Jodi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a
soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiful
victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of
'original sin'?"

Jodi responded, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's really original,
I'll give you a $20 discount."


A humble crab fell in love with Princess Lobster and she with him.
They enjoyed an idyllic relatinship but one day princess Lobster 
came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would 
not let her see Crab any more.
"But why?" Gasped the humble crab.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess.
"You're a lower class crustacean, and anyway you walk sideways."

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into
forgetfulness.

That night was the occasion of the Great Lobster Ball. Lobsters 
came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Only 
Princess Lobster sat by her fathers side, inconsolabe.

Suddenly!
The doors flew open! It was the humble crab. Slowly 
painstakingly, he made his way to the throne..walking 
straight..one claw after another. Step by painful step 
he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush.
Finally the crab spoke: "Shit, am I ever drunk!






The third grade teacher was teaching English and recited for her
class:
"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow. And
everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."

She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be
changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go"
to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny
raised his hand and recited: "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, 
and smelled her little..."

He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or
prose.  
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.  
So Johnny said, "Ass."


A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup.

He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous!

He told her he was going to put his hand on her
back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eight," she purred.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat
and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"Eighty...eighhhhtttt."

"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest
and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'"

"One, two, three, four, five..."


Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set
of balls.  She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo
ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and
gave them a squeeze.  The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence
and bounded away down the path.

A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up to the woman,
said, "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" she wailed.
"Well," he said, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweak mine too, 
'cause I have to catch that sucker!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com