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Good Morning, ! Today is Sunday, September 25 I do need more subscribers! I even promise to keep my personal comments short. A man is only as old as the woman he feels. --- Groucho Marx Enjoy! Ophelia
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Tiny sample of the type of jokes that are in the full version:
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a .. well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . " The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . ." "Yes yes!" "Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
Ugggly
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Ophelia
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Good Morning, ! Today is Saturday, September 24 Moose, I heard you left Egypt in a sudden hurry, and went very far away. What happened? If it is not safe to email, use Skype! Even though Microsoft messed with it, it is still secure. Just text with it. We DO care! As for the rest of you, I do need more subscribers! I'll even promise to keep my personal comments short. Enjoy! Ophelia
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Tiny sample of the type of jokes that are in the full version:
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, " What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Divine Dairy
Redneck Yacht, I love it!
Today's Movie:
Click through to "Wet Paint"
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Ophelia
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Good Morning, ! Today is Friday, September 23 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!Got some bad news from Egypt. Mubarak had reduced the Emergency Laws to just apply to narcotics and terrorism about a year before the revolution, that got him kicked out. Now the Egyptian Revolutionary Governement and Military widened those laws to apply to anything they want. The controversial law -- has been continuously in place since Islamists assassinated president Anwar Sadat in 1981, though Mubarak has gradually reduced it's scope and range. The ruling Supreme Council of the Armed Forces (SCAF) recently widened the scope of the law -- restricted in 2010 to narcotics and terrorism -- to now also include labour strikes, traffic disruption and the spread of false information. On Sunday, SCAF member Sami Enan was quoted as saying that "activating the emergency law was necessary given the unfortunate events the country witnessed on September 9." The decision to expand the law came after protesters clashed with police after demonstrators stormed a building housing the Israeli embassy, forcing the mission's evacuation. It is still not clear, why the protestors stormed the Israeli embassy, other than to create a confrontation with the police. After the Islamists blew up the gas pipelines and stopped the sale of gas to Israel, a huge chunk of the national funding was gone, creating a fair amount of hardship. Naturally, they blame Israel for that. There seems to be a new kind of logic evolving. It definitely is not Blonde Logic. You tell me what to call it! Enjoy! Ophelia
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The attractive young lady was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me."
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "May be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
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Young cougar got tired out!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door.The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" "OK. I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
In the cafeteria at the University, I saw three students hard at work on their calculators. Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their assignment was. One girl looked at me and replied, "We're figuring out how many days until Christmas break."
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For clean, family safe humor and tech tips,
try the newsletter of my friend and coach, Dear Webby Dear Webby's Humor Letter |
Sitting in the bar a man asked his friend, "You're 40 years old. How come you are not married?" His friend replied: "I just haven't found the right woman yet. The man then asked, "What's the right woman like?" The friend thought for a moment and said, "She's got to be real pretty, love to fuck, be a good cook and house keeper. She also has to have a really good personality, lots of money and a big house." The first man snorted, "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU" His friend answered, "That's OK, I don't mind if she's crazy"
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce. There was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to a divorce situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality. The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum lay!"
In the old days, when young couples went off on their honeymoons by train, the bridegroom said, "Wait here, dear, and I'll get the tickets." So he did, but long habit would not be denied and he had not yet gotten used to the fact that he was travelling by twos. He had bought one round-trip ticket. He came rushing back to the bride, who looked at the single ticket in his hand, and whose bright blue eyes promptly filled with tears. The bridegroom looked at her with astonishment, then with horror at his ticket, and in the blink of an eye set all straight by saying, "Oh, darling, in all the excitement I completely forgot to buy a ticket for myself."
Concrete Jungle
Today's Movie:
Click through to "Nun's Strength"
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Good Morning, ! Today is Thursday, September 22 Usually it is too dry here to show any dew in the morning, but this morning I saw some glistening in the sun. Please help me get more subscribers! Enjoy! OpheliaFor more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,
Tiny sample of the type of jokes that are in the full version:
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?" The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/ purple thing on the end of the penis?" The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis." The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?" The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
Today's Movie: Click through to "Boner Prank"
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Ophelia
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Good Morning, ! Today is Wednesday, September 21 Welcome Jim! Zero degrees as I write this. Celsius, of course. Is it true, that the reason the US is hanging on to the British Imperial Standard, is because Obama wants to be a Queen when he grows up? Dear Webby once wrote, that the main reason for the US not going metric is that they worry, we would run out of harmless things to tease them about. Metric is actually a lot easier. You just shuffle the decimal point, on everything. Enjoy! OpheliaFor more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,
Tiny sample of the type of jokes that are in the full version:
Leroy had gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time. He was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly. "Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!" "That's what YOU think, you fool!" She replied. "I paid them $500 to let you escape!"
Today's Movie: Click through to "Mr Magoo"
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Since July 1, 2011,
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Ophelia
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