|  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, September 18, 2010
Woke up to four inches of snow! 
That's the earliest I have seen solid snow since the 70's.
Are there any Gullible Warming fanatics out there, who want to
sell me their snow blower? They won't need it, but I have a hunch,
I could put it to good use this winter.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she
told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave
the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby
there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back.
I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took
the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the
office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail
today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to
you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to
the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital
emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked
what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."



"DEER HUNTER"
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.

2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed.

3:00 am - Throw everything except kitchen sink in pickup.

3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.

3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.

3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to woods before daylight.

4:00 am - Set up camp, forgot tent.

4:30 am - Head into woods.

6:05 am - See eight deer.

6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 am - "Click".

6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 am - Head back to camp.

9:00 am - Still looking for camp.

10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.

Noon - Fire gun for help. Eat wild berries.

12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets, eight deer come back.

12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.

12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.

12:45 pm - Rescued.

12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.

3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.

3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 pm - Load gun, leave camp again.

5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.

6:00 pm - Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.

6:01 pm - Load gun.

6:02 pm - Fire gun.

6:03 pm - Hit pickup truck.

6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.

6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.

6:07 pm - Trip and fall into fire.

6:10 pm - Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire.

6:15 pm - Take pickup, leave partner and his deer in woods.

6:25 pm - Pickup boils over, hole shot in radiator.

6:26 pm - Start walking.

6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 pm - Meet bear.

6:36 pm - Take aim.

6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud.

6:38 pm - Have accident in pants.

6:39 pm - Climb tree.

9:00 pm - Bear departs, wrap gun around tree.

Midnight - Home at last!

 


 


Unexplainable Store
The Unexplainable Store has hundreds of goodies!
Astral Projection, Meditation, Manifestation, 
Sleep lucid, dream,  ESP, Chakra, Psychic Creativity,
Dna, Endorphin, Health Motivation, Prosperity, 
Weight Loss, Hypnosis, Memory, Past Life, Anxiety, 
Confidence, etc. Go have fun at the Unexplainable Store!



One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying
hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong dearest??" asked
the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little
Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under
her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever
are we going to do???" 

"Well....," replied the man
"I guess a spanking is out of the question."



A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one
swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with
you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my
wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house."
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again
he gulps it down.

"If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes
and said......BAD DOG!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Friday, September 17, 2010
I noticed today how American newspapers are shifting their stance
to where they expect most of the advertising money to come from.
Some, like the Washington Times get right hostile and call for
Obama's impeachment. 

I find that hilarious. Aside from a few immigration irregularities, 
America's favorite teleprompter reader hasn't really done that 
much wrong. Oh, sure, he and his wife wasted an awful lot of money 
frivolously, but so did the Clintons. 

What most Americans don't get, is that the Democratic party, who
writes the script for their teleprompter reader, is now blaming
him for what THEY did. That's about as dumb as blaming the
weatherman for the crappy weather we currently got. But I see
a repeat of when the Republicans abandoned and backstabbed
Bush, to save their own warm place to shit. They are just doing
it earlier.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


A woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said
her breasts would increase in size each time a man says,
"Pardon" to her.

She walked down the sidewalk and almost accidentally
bumped into a man. Naturally he said,"Pardon me."
Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery
store. He begged her pardon and another inch was
added to her breasts.

She was really pleased about that and grinning from ear
to ear and walked into a Chinese restaurant nearby to
celebrate.

In there she collided with a waiter. The waiter bowed and
said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

 


 


 Home Wealth System
Complete guide to getting started in internet marketing. Includes video 
training, online tutorials, full training guides plus bonus software.
 Home Wealth System
If you don't get this course, it will not help you make money.




One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, "You had a great check-up.  Is there
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a
vasectomy."

"That's a big decision!  Have you talked it over with your
family?"

"Yeah, we took a vote... and they're in favor of it,
15 to 2."


A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a gathering of Valley girls, and his
hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at
ease. 
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" 

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question 
which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, 
that puts you on the track." 

"What sort of question?" 

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around 
the world and died during one of them. Which one?'" 

The Valley girl thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh,
"You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?" she asked. 

"I don't know that much about history.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, September 16, 2010


Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as
her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing
the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical
therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began
to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't
do a thing for my broken thumb. It still hurts like hell!"


In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy
suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front
of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what
the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I
could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your
back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy
replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in
front of me?"

 


 


 Home Wealth System
Complete guide to getting started in internet marketing. Includes video 
training, online tutorials, full training guides plus bonus software.
 Home Wealth System

If you don't get this course, it will not affect your tax status.


How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors,
and half the time they don't work.


An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for
so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He
marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"

"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first
show is at 9 o'clock, Saturday night."

The actor is so excited that he goes on a major bender. He
wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theater,
continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons
roar! Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is
stopped by the bouncer.

"Who the heck are you?"
"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the actor.

"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer.
"You're late! Get up to makeup right now!"

So, the actor runs up to makeup.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the makeup girl.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he says.
"You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup. "Now,
quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your
line!"

So he dashes down to the stage.
"Who the heck are you?" asks the stage manager.

"I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies.

"Oh, thank God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains
are about to go up!"

So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he
sees that the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty
bang behind him, and the bewildered actor shouts, 
"What the fuck was THAT?!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The snow all metled, but the leaves turned color. So did the crabapples
in my neighbors yard. I don't like eating them, but sure enjoy seeing
them in the fall.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


The old perfesser was shopping the other day and wound
up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous young lady.
He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his
mouth dropped open and he was almost drooling. The lady
caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring
her shopping bag.
"So, old man," she said, "are you often troubled by
indecent thoughts?"

The old perfesser smiled and replied, "No, ma'am, not
troubled at all. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."


At a small parish in rural New England there lived a priest, and
several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns was noticing that
the rugs in the church were beginning to fray. She went to the
priest and told him, "Father, I believe your rugs need to be
replaced soon."
The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and told
her that he thought that she had been there long enough to
refer to church property as "our" not "your."

Several days later, the same nun noticed that the hedge
needed to be trimmed. She again went to the priest and told
him, "Father, I've noticed that your...(-and after a stern look
from the priest-) I mean OUR hedge needs to be trimmed."

The priest thanked her for again bringing something to his
attention and this time asked her if she had seen his watch
that had gone missing.
She said she hadn't, but assured him she would look for it.

Another few days passed, and the parish received word that
the bishop would be coming for a visit. The whole parish was in
an uproar of cleaning, and decorating.

On the day the bishop arrived, while the priest was greeting
the bishop in front of the church, the same nun came running
down the front stairs yelling,
"Father, Father, I found your watch!!"
The priest, annoyed at the interruption, gave her another one of
his "stern looks".
"Why yes, Father, Sorry. I found it under OUR bed."

 


 


 Home Wealth System
Complete guide to getting started in internet marketing. Includes video 
training, online tutorials, full training guides plus bonus software.
 Home Wealth System

If you don't get this course, it will not affect your tax status.


A trainee for the New York Police Department, was asked
the following hypothetical question:  "If your beat was
a lonely path in Central Park, and a beautiful young girl
rushed up to you and declared that a strange man had
suddenly grabbed her, and hugged and kissed her, what
would you do?"

The police-officer-in-training replied without hesitation,
"I would endeavor to reconstruct the crime."


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it." 

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, 
"My wife is poisoning me." 

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" 

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, 
what should I do?" 

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, 
I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." 

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I called to your wife. I listened to her on the phone for three
hours. You want my advice?" 
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It's snowing!
Probably not due to the coming ice age, but sure is rude weather
for the middle of September. I must admit, I kinda miss the too
short period of Gullible Warming.

Maybe the Chinook blew all the hot air back to Ottawa?
Whatever the reason or excuse, I don't like snow at this time of year.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
And if you can help me get more subscribers, I would 
appreciate that even more!

Ophelia

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to
the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the
toilet. So his mom has to go in and clean up after him.
After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the
doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too
small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of
toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it
and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs
to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of
toast.

"Mom!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two
slices of toast."

"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your
father."


In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce,
but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know
the government is giving them advice on how to work out their problems.

 


 


 Home Wealth System
Complete guide to getting started in internet marketing. Includes video 
training, online tutorials, full training guides plus bonus software.
 Home Wealth System

If you don't get this course, it will not affect your tax status.


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"


A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to
his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first
man you ever made love to?" She looks at him thoughtfully for a second
before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------