Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  September 30, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Ophelia

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During a rather rowdy party, one unattached female guest kept disappearing
into a back bedroom with one man after another, including the host.

This did not go unnoticed by the host's wife, who was quietly smoldering,
but kept her composure, so as not to ruin the party.

It was still fairly early when "Miss Willing" approached the hostess looking
somewhat frazzled and rumpled. "I'm sorry to rush off," she explained, "but
I don't feel too well."

"Of course, I understand my dear." was the hostess' rejoinder. "You must
have a splitting backache."


An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue
plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked
up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the
crash.

The Chief said, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied,
"We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their
legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate
their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you.. you
know...eat their...'things'??" The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."



WAY-TO-GO-GRAMMA !


   An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding
   Officer for a 3-day pass.

   The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army,
   and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something
   spectacular for that recognition!"

   So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

   The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

   "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the
   Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my
   white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to
   the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3-day pass?' So we
   exchanged tanks!"


A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an apartment overlooking
the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded
Jewish man praying vigorously. Certain he would be a good interview
subject, the journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to
the old man.

She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done
that and what are you praying for?"

The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In
the morning I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go
home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of
illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for 
peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."

The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here 
every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?"

The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  September 29, 2009
Had to wear my warm leather jacket to drive to the post office
today, but so far I refused to put the top up on my car.

The good news is that the Canadian tax cuts moved the tax
cut off at the year end to 19 days earlier and drops small business
income tax to 11% ! 

The Liberals don't like it, becuse it doesn't apply to Welfare recipients,
but the economy sure benefits from it! That's why we elected Harper!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

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A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an
 old man stopped her, saying, "That sure is a pretty dress
 you're wearing."
 
The little girl smiled and said, "Thank you, sir. My mama
 bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."
 
The old man chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why
 you call him that."
 
She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."
He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so
 fat."
 
She shook her head. "No sir, we call him that because he
 fucks pigs."


Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young
ladies  realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her
birth control pills.
She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the
pharmacist.
"Please fill this quickly," she said. "I've got people
waiting in my car!"






A curious little boy asks his mom what his younger sister has between the
legs; the young mother does not know how to explain to the boy, so she says:
"It's like the Garage..."

The boy then asks: "What is mine called?"

"It's called the Car..." the mother replies.

A few days later, the phone rings while the parents are "busy" in the
bedroom; the little boy answers it.  It's his dad's friend: "Is your father
home?  Could I speak to him?"

"Yes, but he's busy", the boy replies.  "What's he doing?  I wanna talk to
him..." "Wait, let me check..." The boy looks through the bedroom keyhole;
then comes back and says: "He's putting the Car in the Garage "Ok, I'll call
back..." A short while later, the man calls back: "Can I talk to your dad
now?" "He's still busy..."

"What?  What's he doing?  How long does it take him to put the car in the
garage anyway?"

"Wait, let me check..." The boy, again, looks through the bedroom keyhole,
comes back and has this to tell his dad's friend: "He's still trying to put
the Car in the Garage; he keeps moving the Car back and forth.  He seems to
have problem putting the rear wheels of the Car into the Garage..."


These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night
right after the semester started they all had all gone out
on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same
time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her
face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's
nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come
home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare and qiet smile 
on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. 
Then she reachedunder her skirt, removed her panties 
and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with 
a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  September 28, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," he instructed.
"Yeth, they used to be," she replied remorsefully.


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so
they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure
what to do, so Harry says,"Stand in front of that bar and
pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks.If you've got a
question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says,
"How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty
dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells
the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says
okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops
a simply HUGE penis.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right
back." Sheruns back around the corner and says breathlessly,
"Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?



Got a light, Man?



Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation
on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout.
And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he
was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised
vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.
Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the
chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the
significance of the horizontal one?".

The scout replied "Chief, him no like your horse
either!"


Taxiing down the tarmac, the Delta jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour
long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the
engine," she explained. "It took us a while to find
a deaf pilot."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  September 27, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them
are talking about the amount of control they have over
their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do
you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What
happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer,
sighed and uttered,
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"


A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home
from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and
our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after
ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog
brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still
getting the same service."



Front wheel is at the store, cable lock key is at home



An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the
 yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"  The father was
 surprised that she would ask such a question,  but decides
 that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is
 old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell
 her all about the "birds and the bees.

"When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking
 at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her,
 "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied,
 "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in
 just a couple of secs."


A small boy walks into his mother's room and catches her topless.
"Mommy, Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, These are balloons, and when I die, they
inflate and float me up to God in heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off
quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea,
he rushes into the kitchen. "Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!"

"What do you mean?" says his mother.

"Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the ground. 
Both of her big balloons are out, dad is bitng them to stop
them from imflating, and she keeps yelling,
"God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  September 26, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

On the night of their wedding, after making her preparations,
 the bride came out of the bathroom to find her groom on his
 knees in front of the bed.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.
"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for
 endurance."


After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is
 time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating
 the earth so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord
 gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand
 and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam
 emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy
 that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said,
 " 'What is a 'caress'? So the Lord again gave Adam a brief
 description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said,
 "'Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord
 said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make
 love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"'
 So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again
 to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two
 seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"






The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and
 saved to send their son to college.

As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard.
Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns.

Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his
 picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back
 of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look
 like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You
 idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and
 you can't even spell!"


Mother Superior was walking in the garden one day when she saw a novice
nun working in the vegetable patch. Unfortunately every seed she planted
was stolen by the birds, which were sitting, watching her from nearby.
"Fuck off!" she shouted, "Just fuck off!"  

Mother Superior was quite disgusted by this and called her over.
"Young lady....... That is NOT how a young nun behaves.  
Next time the birds steal your seeds, just say
shoo.......shoo....and they'll fuck off by themselves."


What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18, 28, 38 and 58?
At 8 - You put her to bed and tell her a story
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed
At 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed
At 58 - You tell her a very long story to avoid going to bed



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com