The Go-Between got her pregnant
Sunday, August 12, 2012, 04:28 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 12
It took only five hours after Romney announced his VP, until
the hysterical Chihuahuas started yapping and frantically
badmouthing him. Judging by their panic, they must be really
worried.
Their silly yapping helped me to finetune my Mailwasher
filters and automatically blacklist the Chihuahuas.
The cartoons in European papers usually lag behind events
by quite a long time, but some of their humor is priceless.
Here is one:
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A country club didn't allow women on the golf course.
Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to
allow women on the course during the week. The ladies
were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women's
club and became very active.
After about 6 months, the club board received a letter from
the women's club complaining about the men, urinating on
the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another 6 months, they received another letter
reminding them of the previous letter and demanding
action.
After due deliberation they sent the women a letter
advising them that they had been granted equal privileges.
Since Cameron was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and
relatives were stunned when he got married, and even more
when his wife became pregnant.
One day a group of them spotted Cameron on the beach and they
came right over. "So, Cameron, how'd it happen?" asked one
of them, with a wink at the woman's ballooning belly.
Cameron blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing
next to his wife. "I have that marvelous young man to thank,"
he explained.
"Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend.
"Not entirely," replied Cameron with a giggle and a grin.
"He's our go-between."
Click through the picture for full size
An American attorney had just finished a guest lecture
at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached
him and asked,
"Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your
county and then sue the landowners for lots of money?"
Told that it was true, the lawyer turned to his partner and
started speaking rapidly in Italian. When they stopped, the
American attorney asked if they wanted to go to America to
practice law.
"No, no," one replied. "We will to go to America
and fall down on sidewalks."
Groan Alert:
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson
at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son
was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the
very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.
"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse
shoe over the door for luck and then study late into
the night hoping to pass our classes."
"But grandpa," replied the grandson,
"that IS a whore's shoe."
How many political jokes are there?
Only three.
The rest are true stories.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Cheesy Country Grits
Ingredients:
2 cups water
1/2 cup milk
2 Tbsp. Olive Oil
1 tsp. salt
1/2 cup quick grits (or make the long way)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
Directions:
Bring water, milk, Olive Oil and salt to a boil over high heat
in 2-quart saucepan. Slowly stir in grits. Reduce heat to
medium-low and cook covered, stirring occasionally,
5 minutes or until thickened.
Stir in cheese and let stand 2 minutes or until cheese is melted.
Stir just before serving.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1079
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Being with cheap, wicked women
Saturday, August 11, 2012, 03:30 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 11
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The
kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in.
As they're changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other
one, "Did you notice how small the rich kids' penises were?"
"Yeah," says his mate, "It's probably because they've got toys to play
with."
A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed
wrong and connected with an auto mechanic instead.
She asked, "Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
Moss Caves
A drunk, who smelled of booze sat down, on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what
causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a
contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes
and a lack of personal hygiene."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and
returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently
on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry. I should not
have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was
just reading here that the Pope does.
Jill goes to the doctor. After examining her thoroughly, the doctor is
perplexed.
"I'm not sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad
cold or you're pregnant."
"Oh," says Jill, "I must be pregnant --I don't know anyone
who could have given me a cold."
Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife
sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him
with self hypnosis.And, to her joy, everything got much better.
However, she could not help but notice that each night, just
before their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the
bathroom for several minutes.
This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.
There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this
therapeutic technique:
"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Spiced Butternut Squash Soup
Ingredients:
1/2 Olive Oil or Margarine
1 tsp. pumpkin spice (or use 1/2 tsp. cinnamon and 1/2 tsp. nutmeg)
1 medium onion, finely chopped
1 package (12 oz.) frozen and cooked winter squash, thaw it well
1 can (14.5 oz.) chicken broth
1/8 tsp. ground black pepper
Directions:
Heat Olive Oil or Margarine and pumpkin pie spice in 4-quart
pot over medium heat, add onion, stirring occasionally, until
onion is tender, about 5 minutes. Stir in squash, broth and
pepper. Bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat to low
and simmer covered, stirring occasionally, until heated
through, about 5 minutes.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1074
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Friday, August 10, 2012, 06:22 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 10
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
The Enemy Times and CNN have decided, based on a poll of
carefully selected Democrats, that Romney is not leading any
more. So ?
Who cares?
They are just trying to get Romney to spend more money on
advertising.
They did the same during the provincial elections here, and
thought they could influence people with media hype.
It did not work. People looked at their wallets,
and voted accordingly, totally ignoring the media hype
and the high caliber pundits in the media.
I would not be surprised if the same thing happened in
November. In the meantime, many Millions will be spent on
low class and not funny advertising.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Murphy's Law of Sex...
1.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered
take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
2. The details of pre-Sex arguing may be forgotten,
but the fact of the arguing is rarely forgiven
3. Sex has no calories.
4. Sex takes up the least amount of time and
causes the most amount of trouble.
5. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
6. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50%
what people think you've got.
7. Sex is like snow; you never know how many
inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
8. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
9. If you get them by the balls,
their hearts and minds will follow.
10. Virginity can be cured.
11. When a man's wife learns to understand him,
she usually stops listening to him.
12. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
13. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man
are usually the same ones she can't stand 5 years later.
14. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
15. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
16. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
17. Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
18.The game of love is never called off on account
of darkness.
19.It was not the apple on the tree but the pair
on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
20.Sex discriminates against the shy..
A farmer drives his tractor away from the homestead when half a mile
later his brake cable snaps. He sees his wife on the porch and manages
to catch her attention but is unable to make her hear what he is
shouting. However, he thinks she should under- stand what he wants if
he uses sign language.
So he raises his hand above his head and starts to operate an imaginary
pair of pliers, then opens and shuts an imaginary cupboard door and then
puts the tips of his fingers together to indicate a shed roof.
His wife waves to him and then grasps both her breasts, then grabs her
crotch and lastly lifts both her buttocks.
"Stupid woman", he mutters to himself. "Hasn't understood a thing". So
he repeats his signals, but gets the same response.
Exasperated, he walks back to the homestead ready to berate his wife.
"Didn't you understand a damn thing?' he asks.
"Yes, I did. ", she says, "you wanted a pair of pliers from the cupboard
in the shed. But what I was telling you was that there is a pair in the
toolbox under the seat
Click through the picture for full size
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon
Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell
and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners
entered the courtroom.
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with
a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The
judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years
for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he
smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and
write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred
times."
Attributed to Confusius:
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War not determine who right, war determine who left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who lay woman on ground get piece on earth.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM Style Orange Chocolate Muffins
Ingredients:
2 Oatmeal Muffin Mix (complete)
1 egg
1 handful semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 frozen orange, washed and grated
2 cups water
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1 square Semi-Sweet chocolate
1 teaspoon butter
Directions:
Wash and grate the frozen orange on top
of all the upper ingredients in a mixing bowl.
Mix with blender until smooth. Add more water if necessary.
Ladle into muffin papers in muffin tray
Bake 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes
out clean.
Break up the chocolate.
Put chocolate and butter into a ceramic or glass desert bowl
NOT plastic! You need the energy retention!
Microwave 1 minute, no more!\
Stir frantically with a plastic or wooden spoon until smooth
and even colored.
Smear some chocolate onto each muffin. Since the muffins
are hot, it will smooth itself.
These muffins are really easy to make, IF you have a power
grater or food processor, and are very high value trading
items. Guard the secret recipe well!
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1069
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Thursday, August 9, 2012, 05:03 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 9
Two more days of early morning raspberry picking
without getting caught, and I'll have my freezer
compartment under the fridge filled.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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He grabbed me by my slender neck
I could not yell or scream
He took me to his bedroom
Where we could not be seen
He tore aside my wrap
and gazed upon my form
I was cool and chilly
He was nice and warm
He pressed his feverish lips to mine
and drank my very life away
he made me what I am today...
AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF BEER !!!!
In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a
middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys
were having a deep heated discussion on the subject of
spelling.
Its spelled ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '"
"No its not. It's spelled
'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'"
The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but I think you'll
find its spelt 'W-O-M-B'".
First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've never even seen
a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart underwater !"
Click through the picture for full size
Redneck Speedboat
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older
he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being
referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,
"I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44
tall."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit. It
fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
asked,
"How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and .
. .16-and-a-half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,
"How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-
half . . .wide.
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and
5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when
the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see
. . .Size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34. "It
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
give you one hell of a headache."
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red
light. Look at the guy in the car next to you, roll down your window
really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS
window down,
look at him and yell.....
"Oh, did you fart too?"
There were these two 95 year old men sitting at the senior
center one day when the one states,
"I have to get right home!"
"What's your hurry?" asks the other.
"Me and the wife are having sex again today".
"Again? How often do you have sex?"
"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the
secret is...Pumpernickel Bread". And he scurried off.
As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a
bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernickel
Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.
"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread".
"I'll take it all." the old man blurts out.
The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It'll get hard"
The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW
ABOUT THIS BUT ME?"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Grandma's Orange Muffins
Ingredients:
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon
1/2 cup Olive Oil
1 1/4 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 Tbsp. grated orange peel
1 cup buttermilk (you can use milk)
1/2 cup raisins
1/2 cup coarsely chopped & drained mandarin oranges
2 Tbsp. sugar, for decorating tops
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350°. Grease 12-cup muffin pan; set aside.
Combine flour, baking soda and cinnamon in medium bowl; set aside.
Beat Olive Oil with 1-1/4 cups sugar in large bowl with
electric mixer until light and fluffy, about 1 minute.
Beat in eggs and orange peel. Alternately beat in flour mixture
and buttermilk on low speed just until blended, beginning
and ending with flour mixture. Fold in raisins and oranges.
Evenly spoon into prepared pan, then sprinkle with remaining
2 tablespoons sugar.
Bake 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes
out clean.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1067
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Wednesday, August 8, 2012, 05:40 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 8
Thanks for renewing Attila!
It is getting difficult to say whether the situation in Syria
is getting ridiculous or whether it is getting out of hand.
Iran, which does not seem to have a Plan B, is stuck with
supporting Syria. Bitching against the USA and blaming them
for the Syrian Opposition's kidnapping of Iranian military
advisors looks like the wacky bitching more commonly coming
from North Korea. If the USA was involved in the Syria crisis,
they would settle it with a cruise missile or two.
The USA, on the advice of Israel, is standing back. The idea
is to let Assad and the rebels use up the stockpiles of ammo
hoarded in Syria. Israel got beat up in 2006 and in 2009,
and they don't want a repetition of that.
As long as Iran is just bitching against the USA, they simply
make themselves look silly. It makes me wonder, though, what
they really try to accomplish. Assad may be able to hold on
a few more months, but there is no future for him. Sooner
or later the rebels will get him. Shelling and bombing towns
does not win him friends. Even his Prime Minister thought
it would be safer to move to a different country. And he is
not planning to telecommute to Damaskus.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store
is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor
you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor,
you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's
better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder
what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely
good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the
housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must
be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework
and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think..what must be awaiting me
further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012
to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely
as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!
Across the street is a 10 floor store with a sign:"Wife Mart".
The first floor is labelled: "These women have big boobs, love sex,
are good cooks and don't want kids."
Nobody knows what is on floors 2 to 10.
Los Angeles
Major power disruptions throughout the city of Los Angeles.
According to the L.A. Fire Department, tens of thousands of
people were trapped on escalators and at pedestrian
crossings, that fail to show "WALK".
White and black Americans view the power disaster in starkly
different ways, with more blacks viewing race as a factor in
problems with the federal response, according to a CNN/USA
Today/Gallup poll. More blacks than whites said they were
angry about the government's slow response to the problem,
and the blatant discrimination against blacks, non-smokers
and the poor. According to polls conducted by CNN and AOL,
the previous president, G.W. Bush, is blamed for the disaster.
CNN expects the inevitable looting caused by the Bush
administrations failure to deal with the power problems to
start by nightfall, and has booked extra advertising for
the evening broadcasts.
President Obama is in London for the Olympics.
Click through the picture for full size
Wet Lighthouse
A young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific.
One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of
his patients.
He radioed a base hospital:
'Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?'
A prankster got hold of the message.
This was the reply:
'Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything.'
A sweater girl is one who knows that it's possible for a man to
concentrate on two things at once.
>From Kevin
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but
not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and
Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl
but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am
holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was
holding.
"What ya got, mifter?" she asked.
(Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)
I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh,
ROSES!, who are they for?"
(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit
down.)
I said, "they're for my girlfriend".
She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of
them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!"
Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was roaring with laughter,
except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM Style Broccoli Mashed Potatoes
Ingredients:
Some broccoli and caulifour crowns
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp fine ground pepper (Italian pepper)
1 cup instant mashed potatoes
2 TBSP butter
3 cups water or milk
1 TBSP bacon bits
Directions:
Break up and microwave brocoli and caulifour 4 minutes
Bring water or milk to a boil, take it off the burner.
Add the spices and stir, then add instant mashed potato
flakes and stir well.
Add the butter and stir until smooth
Add the drained veggies and stir.
Add bacon bits and stir.
Serve as is, or for variation with some leftover gravy on
the side. Some people feel mashed potatoes are not complete
without a gravy filled volcano lake.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Afghan
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