Wednesday, August 8, 2012, 05:40 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 8
Thanks for renewing Attila!
It is getting difficult to say whether the situation in Syria
is getting ridiculous or whether it is getting out of hand.
Iran, which does not seem to have a Plan B, is stuck with
supporting Syria. Bitching against the USA and blaming them
for the Syrian Opposition's kidnapping of Iranian military
advisors looks like the wacky bitching more commonly coming
from North Korea. If the USA was involved in the Syria crisis,
they would settle it with a cruise missile or two.
The USA, on the advice of Israel, is standing back. The idea
is to let Assad and the rebels use up the stockpiles of ammo
hoarded in Syria. Israel got beat up in 2006 and in 2009,
and they don't want a repetition of that.
As long as Iran is just bitching against the USA, they simply
make themselves look silly. It makes me wonder, though, what
they really try to accomplish. Assad may be able to hold on
a few more months, but there is no future for him. Sooner
or later the rebels will get him. Shelling and bombing towns
does not win him friends. Even his Prime Minister thought
it would be safer to move to a different country. And he is
not planning to telecommute to Damaskus.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman
may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store
is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor
you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor,
you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's
better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder
what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely
good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the
housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must
be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework
and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think..what must be awaiting me
further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012
to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely
as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!
Across the street is a 10 floor store with a sign:"Wife Mart".
The first floor is labelled: "These women have big boobs, love sex,
are good cooks and don't want kids."
Nobody knows what is on floors 2 to 10.
Los Angeles
Major power disruptions throughout the city of Los Angeles.
According to the L.A. Fire Department, tens of thousands of
people were trapped on escalators and at pedestrian
crossings, that fail to show "WALK".
White and black Americans view the power disaster in starkly
different ways, with more blacks viewing race as a factor in
problems with the federal response, according to a CNN/USA
Today/Gallup poll. More blacks than whites said they were
angry about the government's slow response to the problem,
and the blatant discrimination against blacks, non-smokers
and the poor. According to polls conducted by CNN and AOL,
the previous president, G.W. Bush, is blamed for the disaster.
CNN expects the inevitable looting caused by the Bush
administrations failure to deal with the power problems to
start by nightfall, and has booked extra advertising for
the evening broadcasts.
President Obama is in London for the Olympics.
Click through the picture for full size
Wet Lighthouse
A young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific.
One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of
his patients.
He radioed a base hospital:
'Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?'
A prankster got hold of the message.
This was the reply:
'Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything.'
A sweater girl is one who knows that it's possible for a man to
concentrate on two things at once.
>From Kevin
I boarded the train and took my seat. The seat next to me was empty, but
not for long. A young mother boarded with her 5-year-old daughter and
Mom sat down in the seat beside me. I offered my seat to the little girl
but Mom said no, she'd sit the young one on her lap. So here I am
holding my roses, now with a little lady straining to see what I was
holding.
"What ya got, mifter?" she asked.
(Mom is getting a bit flustered and tells her to mind her business.)
I leaned the "package" over a bit and she looks and says loudly, "Ohhhh,
ROSES!, who are they for?"
(Now, Mom is embarrassed and tapping her on the rear telling her to sit
down.)
I said, "they're for my girlfriend".
She says again with a loud voice, "WOW, pretty RED ones, and a lot of
them, too! Man, you really must have fucked up!"
Needless to say, nearly everyone on the train was roaring with laughter,
except Mom who was now trying to crawl between the seats!
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM Style Broccoli Mashed Potatoes
Ingredients:
Some broccoli and caulifour crowns
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp fine ground pepper (Italian pepper)
1 cup instant mashed potatoes
2 TBSP butter
3 cups water or milk
1 TBSP bacon bits
Directions:
Break up and microwave brocoli and caulifour 4 minutes
Bring water or milk to a boil, take it off the burner.
Add the spices and stir, then add instant mashed potato
flakes and stir well.
Add the butter and stir until smooth
Add the drained veggies and stir.
Add bacon bits and stir.
Serve as is, or for variation with some leftover gravy on
the side. Some people feel mashed potatoes are not complete
without a gravy filled volcano lake.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Afghan
1064
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Tuesday, August 7, 2012, 05:31 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 7
It is amazing how late sleeping not too close neighbors
with raspberries can encourage me to wake up early and
be ready by sun-up!
This year I am freezing them in those little cups that muffin
papers come in, and all kinds of containers that size. One
of those containers full of raspberries is just right for my
breakfast.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
So he goes looking for help, and eventually finds a lone farmhouse.
Spying a light, he goes up to the door and knocks.
"Hi. My car broke down a while back. Got a phone I can use to call for
help?" he asks the farmer when he opens the door.
"Nope," he's told. "I ain't got no phone here. But if you want, I can
give you a ride into town in the morning to get some help."
The salesman agrees, and the farmer shows him to his room.
"What's that?" he asks, spying a wall of eggs.
"My daughter, the most beautiful creature in the world, is behind that
wall," the farmer explains. "Now, come morning, if any of them eggs are
broke, I'm gonna kill you. Understand?"
The salesman agrees to this, and turns in to bed. Later that night,
though, he hears the daughter moaning from behind her wall, and finally
he can't control himself anymore. He has to see this beauty. Rushing
through the wall, he finds that she's even more beautiful than her
father said, and she's quite ready to have fun. They spend the whole
night making wild passionate love.
The salesman is woken by the rooster in the morning, and he hears the
farmer climbing the stairs. In a panic, he grabs a jar of glue and
starts gluing the eggshells back together. He has just finished putting
the last egg into the wall when the farmer bursts into the room.
"So, you managed to control yourself," the old man says, looking at the
intact wall. "Come on down, and I'll make you breakfast."
So saying, he grabs a couple of eggs from the wall. The salesman is
petrified as he sits at the breakfast table. He knows that the eggs the
farmer picked are empty, and he knows the farmer will catch on to what
happened.
The farmer cracks open an egg.
Nothing.
He cracks open a second egg.
Again, nothing.
He cracks a third egg.
Nothing.
"Hmm," he says, looking right at the salesman, a frown appearing on his
face. "The damn rooster's been using rubbers again!"
A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it
with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and
rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, and
folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that
moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.
Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow
just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar
tip, and rushed out without paying."
Click through the picture for full size
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man
told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?"
The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.
Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself,
"My word, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have
been much more gentle!"
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself,
"My word, if I had known that the old geezer could really
get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
An attendant on a cross-country flight nervously announced:
"I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers
aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she
continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal
so someone else can eat, will receive free drinks for the
length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later.
"If anyone wants to change his mind,
we still have 29 dinners available!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Broccoli Mashed Potatoes
Ingredients:
1 1/2 lbs. all-purpose potatoes, peeled and cut
into 1-inch cubes
1/3 cup Margarine
1 package (12 oz.) Frozen Broccoli Cuts, prepared by
following package directions
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
1/3 cup sour cream
4 slices bacon, crisp-cooked and crumbled
4 green onions, thinly sliced
Directions:
1. Cover potatoes with water in 3 quart pot. Bring to a boil
over hight heat. Reduce heat to medium and cook 10 minutes
or until potatoes are very tender. Drain well.
2. Return hot potatoes to pot, then add Margarine and mash.
Add Broccoli Cuts, breaking up large broccoli pieces, and mash
lightly. Stir in cheese, sour cream, bacon and green onions.
Save some of the bacon and onions for topping, if you wish.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Afghan
1057
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Monday, August 6, 2012, 05:52 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 6
Stat holiday in Canada. It is called "Civic Holiday".
Nobody knows what we are celebrating today,
except that it is the first Monday in August.
I have been invited to a BBQ and told to bring a Rhubarb pie.
I love deals like that!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night
when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and
she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the
morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and
warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, eventually,
but the skunk she used to beat the smart-ass with,
died at the scene.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses
of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog
empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks; 'Can your
dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious
to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above
the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing. 'It's always the same thing with
you!', the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one
last time'.
Click through the picture for full size
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating
who had the superior culture.
The Greek says: We have the Parthenon
The Italian says: We have the Coliseum
The Greek says: We had great Mathematicians
The Italian says: We had the Roman Empire
and so on and so on
and then the Greek says: "We invented sex!"
The Italian says: "That is true,
but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
>From Sheila in Oz
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.
After a while, they came upon a small cabin.
Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping
bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you
sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the
sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was
beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and
put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag,
zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun
once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on
her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his
eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an
idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever
know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and
get your own stupid blanket!"
An Texan, a Scot and a Californian were in a terrible car
accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room,
but all three of them died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Texan,
he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the Texan, "I remember the crash, and then
there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the
Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young
to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to
earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the
$50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened
to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the Texan, "the Scot was haggling
over the price and the Californian was waiting for
the government to pay for his."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Crock Pot Chocolate-Peanut Butter Cake
Ingredients:
12 Tbsp. Melted Margarine
1 box (18.25 oz.) Devil's food cake mix
1 box (3.9 oz.) instant chocolate pudding & pie filling
1 cup Peanut Butter
1 8 oz. sour cream
1 cup milk
4 eggs
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (about 6 oz.)
Directions:
1. Evenly coat bottom and sides of 5-quart Crock Pot
(or use a slow cooker) with 2 tablespoons melted Margarine.
Set aside.
2. Combine remaining ingredients except chocolate chips in
large bowl with electric mixer according to cake mix package
directions; stir in chocolate chips. Pour into prepared cooker.
3. Arrange two sheets paper towel over top of cooker, then
place lid on top. (Paper towels will absorb moisture.)
4. Cook on LOW 3-1/2 hours. Turn off heat, then let stand
covered 30 minutes. Remove insert from cooker. Carefully
remove lid and paper towels.
Serve cake warm and, if you like top with ice cream.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Afghan
1055
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Sunday, August 5, 2012, 04:31 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 5
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Name of a bed cover that is the same as a male of a
not English speaking country:
Answer at the end
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find
any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side
streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London
police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating
on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the
officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Click through the picture for full size
Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion.
The FINALISTS
QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. AMERICA:Well, I would say that male organs in America are like
gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA:Because it stands every-time it sees a woman.....
(Applause!.... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own
bullfight. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN :Because it charges every-time it sees an opening.
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in
your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean
actors.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because after every performance everybody cries.
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a
labourer. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA: Because it works day and night....
(Applause!.. Applause!)
QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in
your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, of course, hihihihi...I can say that
male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its like, ahh like...it means
GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say
that?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy... nervous!!! Hihihihihi! Because...I
mean...because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
THINGS A GUY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HIS BLIND DATE SAY:
I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got
out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.
Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see
if my test results are in.
Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to
an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare
just happen?
This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue.
They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of
unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way,
why do you keep calling me Mary?
Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a female
impersonator?
I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it,
but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out
with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
My sister could not make it, because somebody bailed her
husband. But don't worry, I am almost fourteen.
A Scotsman and a young girl are waiting for a bus. The girl says, "What
do you Scots wear under your kilts?" The Scot says, "Why don't you put
your hand up it and find out?" She sticks her hand up his kilt and
immediately withdraws, shocked. "It's GRUESOME!!", she exclaims. The
Scot replies, "Aye, and it'll grue some more if you put your hand back
up there!!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Cinnamon Baked Sweet Potatoes
Ingredients:
2 1/2 lbs. sweet potatoes or yams, peeled and cut into small cubes
6 Tbsp. Melted Margarine
1/2 + 1/2 Teaspoon Cinnamon
1 Tbsp. firmly packed light brown sugar
Directions:
Preheat oven to 425°
Toss potatoes, 2 tablespoons Margarine, Cinnamon
and Brown Sugar in large bowl. Arrange potatoes on
baking sheet in single layer. Roast, stirring once,
35 minutes or until golden brown. Drizzle with remaining
4 tablespoons Margarine and sprinkle with Cinnamon.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Afghan
1054
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Saturday, August 4, 2012, 06:58 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 4
Looks like the weather relented and returned to normal
August weather, in spite of the long weekend. Sunny and hot.
We still got some clouds now, but I have a hunch they will get
cooked away shortly.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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According to Jay Leno, what is the best place to be
during an earthquake?
Answer at the end
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets.
It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people
to go on.
--- Jean Kerr
Dear Ophelia
My wife and I can't agree on our vacation.
-I want to go to the Bahamas,
and she wants to go with me!!!
Barry
Click through the picture for full size
One Greek says to another Greek, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y
Jelly!"
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has
been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried.
"None of my friends are good enough for you?"
Groan Alert:
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN......
A goldfish and a mountain goat ?
One mucks around in fountains.
A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ?
One is used for cunning stunts.
A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ?
One shoots but can't hit.
A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ?
One sucks and sucks and never fails.
Caucus and cactus ?
One has the pricks on the outside.
A girl in church and a girl in the bath ?
One has a soul full of hope.
A war horse and a draught horse ?
One darts into the fray.
Your girlfriend and your bank account ?
Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal.
A good girl and a nice girl ?
A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but
the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM Style 3 minute Potato Soup
Ingredients:
1 can chicken vegetable soup
3 cups water or milk
2 TBSP Butter
1 TBSP dry minestrone soup mix (or similar)
1 TBSP dried onion chips
1 TBSP dried chive chips
1 TBSP dried parsley
1 TBSP bacon bits
-------
4 TBSP instant mashed potatoes
-------
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (about 4 oz.)
Directions:
Bring the top ingredients to a rolliung boil
take them off the burner and quickly stir in the mashed potatoes
Ladle the soup into preheated soup bowls and
sprinkle the shredded cheese over top.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Thanks to Penny for this:
Answer: A Hooters restaurant.
1050
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