Monday, August 6, 2012, 05:52 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 6
Stat holiday in Canada. It is called "Civic Holiday".
Nobody knows what we are celebrating today,
except that it is the first Monday in August.
I have been invited to a BBQ and told to bring a Rhubarb pie.
I love deals like that!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night
when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and
she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the
morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and
warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, eventually,
but the skunk she used to beat the smart-ass with,
died at the scene.
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses
of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog
empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks; 'Can your
dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'. Anxious
to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above
the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dogs looks at her and does nothing. 'It's always the same thing with
you!', the man then shouts to the dog, 'I'll show you how to do it one
last time'.
Click through the picture for full size
A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating
who had the superior culture.
The Greek says: We have the Parthenon
The Italian says: We have the Coliseum
The Greek says: We had great Mathematicians
The Italian says: We had the Roman Empire
and so on and so on
and then the Greek says: "We invented sex!"
The Italian says: "That is true,
but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
>From Sheila in Oz
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm.
After a while, they came upon a small cabin.
Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping
bag on the floor but only one bed.
Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you
sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the
sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was
beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold."
He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and
put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag,
zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun
once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on
her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his
eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an
idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever
know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and
get your own stupid blanket!"
An Texan, a Scot and a Californian were in a terrible car
accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room,
but all three of them died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Texan,
he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and
nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well," said the Texan, "I remember the crash, and then
there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the
Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young
to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to
earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the
$50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened
to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the Texan, "the Scot was haggling
over the price and the Californian was waiting for
the government to pay for his."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Crock Pot Chocolate-Peanut Butter Cake
Ingredients:
12 Tbsp. Melted Margarine
1 box (18.25 oz.) Devil's food cake mix
1 box (3.9 oz.) instant chocolate pudding & pie filling
1 cup Peanut Butter
1 8 oz. sour cream
1 cup milk
4 eggs
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (about 6 oz.)
Directions:
1. Evenly coat bottom and sides of 5-quart Crock Pot
(or use a slow cooker) with 2 tablespoons melted Margarine.
Set aside.
2. Combine remaining ingredients except chocolate chips in
large bowl with electric mixer according to cake mix package
directions; stir in chocolate chips. Pour into prepared cooker.
3. Arrange two sheets paper towel over top of cooker, then
place lid on top. (Paper towels will absorb moisture.)
4. Cook on LOW 3-1/2 hours. Turn off heat, then let stand
covered 30 minutes. Remove insert from cooker. Carefully
remove lid and paper towels.
Serve cake warm and, if you like top with ice cream.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Afghan
1055
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Sunday, August 5, 2012, 04:31 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, August 5
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Name of a bed cover that is the same as a male of a
not English speaking country:
Answer at the end
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find
any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side
streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London
police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating
on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the
officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Click through the picture for full size
Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion.
The FINALISTS
QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. AMERICA:Well, I would say that male organs in America are like
gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA:Because it stands every-time it sees a woman.....
(Applause!.... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own
bullfight. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN :Because it charges every-time it sees an opening.
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in
your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean
actors.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because after every performance everybody cries.
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door.....
(Applause!... Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your
country?
MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a
labourer. QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA: Because it works day and night....
(Applause!.. Applause!)
QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in
your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, of course, hihihihi...I can say that
male organs in our country are like chismis...
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its like, ahh like...it means
GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say
that?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy... nervous!!! Hihihihihi! Because...I
mean...because it passes from mouth to mouth.
(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
THINGS A GUY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HIS BLIND DATE SAY:
I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got
out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.
Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see
if my test results are in.
Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to
an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare
just happen?
This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue.
They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of
unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way,
why do you keep calling me Mary?
Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a female
impersonator?
I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it,
but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out
with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
My sister could not make it, because somebody bailed her
husband. But don't worry, I am almost fourteen.
A Scotsman and a young girl are waiting for a bus. The girl says, "What
do you Scots wear under your kilts?" The Scot says, "Why don't you put
your hand up it and find out?" She sticks her hand up his kilt and
immediately withdraws, shocked. "It's GRUESOME!!", she exclaims. The
Scot replies, "Aye, and it'll grue some more if you put your hand back
up there!!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Cinnamon Baked Sweet Potatoes
Ingredients:
2 1/2 lbs. sweet potatoes or yams, peeled and cut into small cubes
6 Tbsp. Melted Margarine
1/2 + 1/2 Teaspoon Cinnamon
1 Tbsp. firmly packed light brown sugar
Directions:
Preheat oven to 425°
Toss potatoes, 2 tablespoons Margarine, Cinnamon
and Brown Sugar in large bowl. Arrange potatoes on
baking sheet in single layer. Roast, stirring once,
35 minutes or until golden brown. Drizzle with remaining
4 tablespoons Margarine and sprinkle with Cinnamon.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Afghan
1054
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Saturday, August 4, 2012, 06:58 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 4
Looks like the weather relented and returned to normal
August weather, in spite of the long weekend. Sunny and hot.
We still got some clouds now, but I have a hunch they will get
cooked away shortly.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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According to Jay Leno, what is the best place to be
during an earthquake?
Answer at the end
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets.
It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people
to go on.
--- Jean Kerr
Dear Ophelia
My wife and I can't agree on our vacation.
-I want to go to the Bahamas,
and she wants to go with me!!!
Barry
Click through the picture for full size
One Greek says to another Greek, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y
Jelly!"
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has
been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried.
"None of my friends are good enough for you?"
Groan Alert:
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN......
A goldfish and a mountain goat ?
One mucks around in fountains.
A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ?
One is used for cunning stunts.
A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ?
One shoots but can't hit.
A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ?
One sucks and sucks and never fails.
Caucus and cactus ?
One has the pricks on the outside.
A girl in church and a girl in the bath ?
One has a soul full of hope.
A war horse and a draught horse ?
One darts into the fray.
Your girlfriend and your bank account ?
Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal.
A good girl and a nice girl ?
A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but
the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM Style 3 minute Potato Soup
Ingredients:
1 can chicken vegetable soup
3 cups water or milk
2 TBSP Butter
1 TBSP dry minestrone soup mix (or similar)
1 TBSP dried onion chips
1 TBSP dried chive chips
1 TBSP dried parsley
1 TBSP bacon bits
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4 TBSP instant mashed potatoes
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1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (about 4 oz.)
Directions:
Bring the top ingredients to a rolliung boil
take them off the burner and quickly stir in the mashed potatoes
Ladle the soup into preheated soup bowls and
sprinkle the shredded cheese over top.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Thanks to Penny for this:
Answer: A Hooters restaurant.
1050
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Friday, August 3, 2012, 05:18 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 3
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
August rain? And gas prices jumping up?
Oh, it's the long weekend!
I forgot about that.
To make things even more interesting, the contractor, who
does the highway maintenance is doing work on all bridges
on the #2, from 100 miles south of here to the edge of
downtown.
Looks like a house cleaning weekend!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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What was the first PC (Personal Computer) available
to the general public?
Answer at the end
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, crushed nuts?
"No," he replied, "Arthritis"
Click through the picture for full size
>From Dianne:
One more reason for proper usage of the language!
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one
of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people,
Liz or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they
were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used
the water cooler first would have to go.
Liz came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water
to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and
said: "Liz, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off."
Liz replied, "Could you jack off? I have a headache".
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her
country home and come to the city for a weekend to see
how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of
hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town.
After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to
Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to
soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they
retire to the bedroom.
"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."
"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm.
"She loves it."
Two young ladies are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers
to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He has been using my hand for the
last twenty minutes!".
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Baked Potato Soup
Ingredients:
2 Tbsp. Margarine or Buter
1 small onion, chopped
2 medium baking potatoes (about 12 oz. ea.), baked, peeled and cubed
3 cups milk
1 can (14.5 oz.) chicken broth
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (about 4 oz.)
Directions:
1. Melt Margarine or Butter in 4-quart saucepot over
medium heat and add in onion, stirring occasionally,
5 minutes or until tender.
Stir in potato, milk and broth. Blend with a hand mixer
until smooth (a fork or whisk works, also).
Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally.
Remove from heat and stir in 1/2 cup cheese.
Cover and let stand 2 minutes; stir until smooth.
Season to taste with salt and black pepper.
2. Sprinkle with remaining 1/2 cup cheese and serve.
You can add crumbled bacon, chopped green onions and
sour cream if you like.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Tandy TRS available at the RadioShack today in 1977
1048
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She puts them back on again
Thursday, August 2, 2012, 04:13 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 2
Thank you, Sig!
Noisy hail at night refreshes the air quite nicely,
and cools off the night. Two nights in a row now.
Sure is nice going to sleep after ithas cooled oof.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in
common?
Answer at the end
Allan moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from
his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in
half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really
worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but
then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is
and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely have the
Hinkley nose like your Grandpa, but you should get a better
barber. The hairstyle you got is not flattering for a good
looking young man like you!"
Click through the picture for full size
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and
glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out
panties and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of
hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones,
what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
Well that's a really personal question" she replied demurely, "But,
if I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."
Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse
accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode
past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger
raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.
Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the
vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?".
The scout replied "He does not like your horse either!"
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a
Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would
drop dead," she screamed.
"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Apple Oatmeal Squares
Ingredients:
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup rolled oats
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup butter, melted
3 cups apples - peeled, cored and chopped finely
1/2 cup white sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease an
8 inch square pan.
In a large bowl, combine brown sugar, oats, flour and
butter. Mix until crumbly. Place half of crumb mixture in
pan. Spread the apples evenly over crumb mixture.
Sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon and top with
remaining crumb mixture.
Bake in the preheated oven for 40 to 45 minutes,
or until golden brown.
Set out to cool. When cooled, cut into squares,
use a spatula to remove squares from pan and enjoy!
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: The same middle name.
1046
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