Friday, August 31, 2012, 04:30 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 31
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
It is getting a bit nippy in the morning. Yes, I know you
like that.
Still gets nice and hot in the afternoon and 40,000 places,
that have never recorded the afternoon temperatures, are
breaking records every day. The old-timers are not concerned.
Every seven years it snows around the 20th of August,
and the year before that, August is the hottest month of the
year. This year Russia got the August snow. We will get it
next year.
The AlGorian sheeple and the Flat Earthers are still ranting
about MAN made warming, and that somebody else should pay
Al Gore and buddies to distribute money to countries, that use
dirty cow pies for fuel instead of clean nuclear energy.
Well, let me tell ya, any warming is WOMAN made, not
MAN made, and the sheeple can stay outside, if they think
there is any real warming out there.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all
the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out,
"Matt's riding a new bike,"
"The Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
"How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Dennis Cooper is standing out on the balcony too,"
his son replied.
Dave and Jim were out deer hunting. Dave was pretty new to this
whole deer hunting thing, so Jim had told him all about a clean
kill, and field dressing, etc.
Well, after an afternoon up in the stand, Dave heard some noise
in the woods; he got buck fever and fired. He went over to where
he thought his deer should be, and realized he had shot his good
friend Jim.
Dave rushed him to the hospital. After what seemed like a very
long time, the doctor came out shaking his head. He told Dave,
"The gunshot wound wasn't too bad, and we could have saved him
if you had not drained and gutted and skinned him."
Click through the picture for full size
>From Dave:
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good woman to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These
last two weeks have been hell. Y our boss called to tell
me that you had quit your job today and that was the
last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had
gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal
and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and
ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or
you don't love me anymore.
Whatever the case is, I'm gone!!
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and
I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years,
although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant
nagging. Too bad that doesn't work! .
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the
first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!"
My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice. When you cooked "my favorite meal", you must
have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork six years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee
because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars
from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home
you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have
the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me.
So take care.
Dave, Rich As Hell, Free and on my way to Jamaica!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl,
my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says,
"Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will
warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and
comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really
freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and
that will warm them up." He does, and again that warms
him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood
for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey,
my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,
don't your ears ever get cold??"
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his
friends. He would always come home early in the morning.
One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret
for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything,
I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best
oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that
she falls into a deep sleep.
Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so
pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays
out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives
his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to
wash up. His wife sits in the bathroom, and starts ranting
at him.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I let my mother sleep in the bedroom, and the couch is
not comfortable at all. "
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Chicken Wings
Ingredients:
3 lbs chicken wings (use the plumpest chicken wings you can find)
1/2 cup margarine or 1/2 cup butter
1 cup soy sauce
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup water
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
3/4 teaspoon garlic powder
Directions:
-Arrange wings in shallow baking pan.
-Heat butter, soy sauce, sugar, water mustard
and garlic powder if using, until butter and sugar melt.
-Cool & pour over wings and marinate at least 2 hours,
turning once or twice.
-Bake in same pan at 375F for 1-1/4 to 1-1/2 hours,
turning occasionally. (Use the plumpest chicken wings
you can find; if your market only has the normal scrawny
ones, don't cook longer than 75 minutes)
-Drain on paper towels and serve
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Enjoy!
Ophelia
1141
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Thursday, August 30, 2012, 05:03 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 30
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot
dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked,
"Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
.................
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is
actually listening, he will probably still get it wrong.
"When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy,
will you take me to the zoo?' He said, 'If the zoo wants
you, let them come and get you.'"
--- Jerry Lewis
Click through the picture for full size
>From Art
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'a! ime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,
South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri,
Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia,
West Virginia, Kentucky, parts of Florida:
Nice Ass, Get in the truck
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named
Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New
York where before long, she became a successful performer in show
business.
Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday
night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as
a child.
In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her
about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he
wanted to know what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on
stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and backflips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to
the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin'
out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
What did the call girl say when John asked if she was free
tonight?
"No. but I am reasonable"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Tropical Cheesecake
Ingredients:
Crust:
3/4 cup crushed corn flakes
1/4 cup macadamia nuts, finely chopped
2 tablespoons ground flax seeds
2 tablespoons sugar
1/4 cup butter, melted
Cheese Cake:
1 (16 ounce) can crushed pineapple, drained, juice reserved
1/2 cup sweetened flaked coconut, lightly toasted
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, at room temperature
1 cup part-skim ricotta cheese
3 tablespoons powdered sugar (to taste)
Strawberry Rhubarb Sauce:
1 cup rhubarb, cut into chunks
1/4 cup pineapple juice
2 cups strawberries, sliced (divided)
2 -3 tablespoons sugar
1 (16 ounce) can crushed pineapple, drained, juice reserved
1/2 cup sweetened flaked coconut, lightly toasted
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, at room temperature
1 cup part-skim ricotta cheese
3 tablespoons powdered sugar (to taste)
Directions:
Coarsely puree cucumbers in a blender or food processor.
Transfer to a metal bowl and whisk in remaining ingredients
and salt to taste.
Cover bowl and chill 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
Serve in chilled bowls.
For the crust combine the cornflake crumbs, chopped nuts, ground flax seed and sugar. Place in a food processor and drizzle in butter while pulsing a couple of times until combine. Press into 8 inch square pan and bake at 375*F for 5 to 7 minutes. Remove from oven and allow to cool completely.
-Put the pineapple in fine mesh strainer and drain, gently pressing on fruit to extract the juice. Reserve the juice and set aside.
-Place the cream cheese and ricotta cheese in a large mixing bowl. Blend on medium low speed of mixer until combined. Gradually add in sugar until incorporated. Fold in the well drained pineapple and toasted coconut. Spoon the cheese mixture into cooled prepared crust. Chill in refrigerator until set, at least 2 hours before serving.
-In a non-reactive saucepan, combine the rhubarb, reserved pineapple juice, sugar and about 1/2 cup of the strawberries. Cook over medium heat for 5 to 10 minutes or until the rhubarb is tender. Turn off heat and allow to cool slightly. Stir in remaining strawberries and place in refrigerator to thoroughly chill.
-When ready to serve, cut the cheesecake into 9 squares, place each on a serving plate and spoon the chilled sauce over.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Enjoy!
Ophelia
1139
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( 3.1 / 103 )
The same as with your lover
Wednesday, August 29, 2012, 06:43 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 29
OCEAN CITY, Md. (UPI) -- Organizers of a record attempt
for the world's largest bikini parade in Maryland said rain
led to turnout falling far short of the goal.
Brad Hoffman, who organized the parade on behalf of the
North Ocean City Business Alliance, said rains Saturday
caused only 325 bikini-clad women to march 25 blocks in
Ocean City, far short of the 1,085 women who marched in
the Huludao City, China, bikini parade earlier in August,
The Baltimore Sun reported Monday.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
Between a married couple it is not considered as sex, but as
family chores.
The attractive man I met last night insists he
just wants to be friends." the girl told her Aunt.
"I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do
with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiled and said, "The same
as with your lover, dearie, only not quite so often."
Click through the picture for full size
Tickets Please!
Where IS that?
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher
was surprised to see a rather "princess-like" young lady
sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Judy
and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodworking
shop class that term.
The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the
right class, and Judy assured him that she was.
The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your
league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Judy.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and
a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.
Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never
been 'bolted'."
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She
spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a
newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.. A little while later
she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes
up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly
responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an older
man the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 85 and my eye
sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure
way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward,
but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity
gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
"What the heck, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under
her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay,...how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his
hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,
how could you tell?"
The man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"Yes, promise!" she says.
He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with
a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically
Exempt.
Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his
physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped
M.E. on his papers.
"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked.
"No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East.
Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly
ride a camel."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
No-Cook Cream of Cucumber Soup
Ingredients:
2 cucumbers, peeled and seeded
1/2 cup buttermilk, chilled
1/2 cup nonfat sour cream, chilled
2 1/2 teaspoons white vinegar
1 teaspoon olive oil
1/2 teaspoon dried dill, crumbled
Directions:
Coarsely puree cucumbers in a blender or food processor.
Transfer to a metal bowl and whisk in remaining ingredients
and salt to taste.
Cover bowl and chill 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
Serve in chilled bowls.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Enjoy!
Ophelia
1136
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( 2.9 / 97 )
If his wife finds out, shewill kill him
Tuesday, August 28, 2012, 04:23 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 28
Thanks for renewing, Stephen!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A.
what the defendant said before the alleged assault.
Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if
she could write out the answer, After reading the note
the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and
pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman
juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her
and read, "I'm going to fuck you like you've never
been fucked before." The juror smiled at the woman and
slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!"
ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's
personal."
I found the neatest way to make my mother a more careful and
defensive driver.
I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's going
to print her real age.
Thanks to Dianne for sending this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
>From Mark:
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
I came home, the car was in the dining room.
"How did you get the car in here?"
"Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room
comparing notes on their various disorders.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first,
"but I guess it is impossible."
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second.
"But then everything changed. That's why I'm here.
I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for
nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered,
"Try going alone, next time, dearie."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Choco Cake in a Cup (Three Minutes to Make)
Ingredients:
~For 2 (1 cup servings)
4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
1/8 tsp. vanilla
1/8 tsp dash baking powder
Directions:
Split all ingredients into 2 microwavable mugs after mixing well
Microwave for 3 minutes.
You will see cake rise, but it will fall when you take it out
of the microwave.
Microwave times may vary. If it looks done 15 or so seconds
earlier, take it out.
Eat, but be careful, it's HOT!
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Enjoy!
Ophelia
1132
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( 3.1 / 82 )
Two times a week for two months
Monday, August 27, 2012, 05:25 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, August 27
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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>From Liz
My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me.
But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I
tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision.
Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything
in the store for men?"
"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."
Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment,
but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed
up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods.
On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third,
he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.
"I've never had an old ball," Morris replied.
Click through the picture for full size
The young lady admired the watch in the store window every time she
walked by it. She finally entered the shop one day and said, "Just how
much is that watch?"
"It's $2000, ma'am."
"Hmmm. Well, would you consider time payments for it?"
"Just what sort of 'time schedule' did you have in mind?"
"I was thinking two times a week for the next two months."
When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, our
student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and
state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors
were the best in the world, and she recommended my
stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted,
"because of the stature the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose
this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "because my boyfriend
studied here and now works at the McDonalds across
the street, and I can get a ride to here with him."
Baby powder in the hair dryer
SOMEBODY is going to be sorry!
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Burgundy Beef in a Crock Pot
Ingredients:
2¼ - 2½ lbs. pot roast (or whatever meat is on sale)
1 can condensed beefy mushroom soup
1 can condensed creamy mushroom soup
1 cup sliced mushrooms or chopped onions
¼ cup burgundy wine (or substitute cranberry juice)
Directions:
Cut meat into 1-inch pieces. Place in crock-pot.
Stir in soups, mushrooms,onions and wine.
Cover and cook on medium 4 ½ hours or low for 8-9 hours.
Serve over cooked egg noodles.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
I can feel for her!
On my budget that is a Vitamin C pill and a chocolate chip.
But it DOES work!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
1129
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( 3.1 / 83 )
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