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Good Morning, ! Today is Sunday, Aug 28 Hurricane Irene sure is getting a lot of publicity, considering that it is just a category 1 storm. With most poiticians on far away vacation and not doing anything stupid, the press has plenty of time and resources available. Don't expect the webcams for those areas to be working. They will overload first and become unusable quickly. Also, keep in mind that even though Irene just has 90 Miles per hour winds, the storm is NOT traveling at 90! Think of it as a lawn mower or weed eater. The cutting speed at the perimeter is 90, but the whole thing is moving across the lawn at only 15. That means high winds for a LONG time, and heavy rain for a LONG time. The biggest problem will probably be the rain, not the wind. Luckily, the system is advancing very slowly, and everybody has plenty of time to get to high ground. Enjoy! Ophelia
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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy Crap? That must be my husband!" So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!" The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' Then it got rather noisy in the bedroom.
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the Temple, the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther here more than once a year!" "I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten Commandments." "That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the Commandments." "Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the other four."
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A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?" "I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says. The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had six inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean.
The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
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For clean, family safe humor and tech tips,
try the newsletter of my friend and coach, Dear Webby Dear Webby's Humor Letter |
In the Lamaze childbirth classes I teach, the first hour is a lecture. During the second hour, the couples get on the floor to practice breathing and relaxation techniques. The lecture one evening was "Sex During Pregnancy." When I finished presenting the material, I asked if there were any questions. After waiting a moment, I tried to proceed -- only to be interrupted when the class burst out laughing. It took me a few seconds to realize what I'd said: "Okay, if there are no questions about sex during pregnancy, let's get down on the floor and practice."
Tetrix or Rubik Decor
This happened in a ladies US LPGA tournament recently. After winning her debut tournament this golfer was asked to hold the trophy up and give it the winner's kiss just for the cameras. Apparently after doing this, most of the photographers nearly messed their pants from laughing after realising exactly how it looked.
The tournament organisers have since redesigned the trophy
Today's Movie:
Click through to "Air Swimers"
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Good Morning, ! Today is Saturday, Aug 27 Have a great weekend! Enjoy! OpheliaFor more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,
Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the one dollar per month version. Of course, there are a lot more of them in the full version, plus the pictures of the day and the movie of the day.
A snooty matron caught the supermarket stock boy at an unguarded moment. "Young man," she demanded icily, "Don't you know it's bad manners to scratch your balls before others?" He stammered around for a few minutes, then ask in bewilderment, "What am I supposed to do...offer to scratch yours first?"
Today's goofy movie is "Finger flipping car chase" Enjoy! Ophelia
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Good Morning, ! Today is Friday, Aug 26 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support fro the troops! Is anybody awake out there? Or is everybody sound asleep on some windy beach? Or did the sharks get you? It seems eerie, not getting ANY feedback for over a week. You CAN steer the direction of this ship with feedback. Enjoy! OpheliaFor more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,
Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the one dollar per month version. Of course, there are a lot more of them in the full version, plus the pictures of the day and the movie of the day.
Perils of Senior Dating Martha and Mary, two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley. Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date... I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Mary: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelour dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's an old Marine!" Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him? Mary: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
Today's goofy movie is "Multiple Gags" Enjoy! Ophelia
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Good Morning, ! Today is Thursday, Aug 25 Is anybody awake out there? Or is everybody sound asleep on some windy beach? Or did the sharks get you? It seems eerie, not getting ANY feedback for over a week. You CAN steer the direction of this ship with feedback. Enjoy! OpheliaFor more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,
Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the one dollar per month version. Of course, there are a lot more of them in the full version, plus the pictures of the day and the movie of the day.
Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile. "Do you understand?" his mother asked. "Yes," replied Little Johnny. "Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother. "Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny. "In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom. "Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "So THAT is why they say, that my daddy will screw ANYTHING!"
Today's goofy movie is "Chinese Magic" Enjoy! Ophelia
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Good Morning, ! Today is Wednesday, Aug 24 Protests demand equal topless rights LAS VEGAS (UPI) -- The Raelian Movement, which teaches, that life on Earth was created by aliens, had its fourth-annual "GoTopless Day" protests in several U.S. cities. GoTopless.org, founded by the movement's spiritual leader, Rael, organized protests Sunday in locations including Los Angeles, San Francisco and Chicago. Women participating in the protests were urged to go topless while men were encouraged to cover their chests to illustrate the slogan, "Topless equal rights for all or none." "It's no more ridiculous than women having to wear tops at all times in this double-standard topless battle that's being waged in public and in the courts," said Nadine Gary, a Raelian priestess and president of GoTopless.org based in Las Vegas. "After four years, our national protests are starting to bear fruit, for a growing number of women across the country are reaching out to us. They're beginning to feel empowered by our demonstrations and the constitutional message we bring." Gary said the cause is backed up by Raelian philosophy, which holds humanity was created scientifically by an advanced race of extraterrestrials. "They created us in their image very scientifically, through genetic engineering," Gary said. So how can the human body, a masterpiece, be perceived with shame?" In New Zealand and Australia the protests are indoors, in gyms and fitness centers, coinciding with their snowy season membership drive. Topless women get a month free, men pay double. But apparently, they don't mind supporting a good cause.For more than one joke, plus the day's pictures and movie,Enjoy! Ophelia
Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the one dollar per month version. Of course, there are a lot more of them and the pictures of the day and the movie of the day.
from Kim Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company to inquire about my short-term disability policy. "I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who picked up the phone. "Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your policy," she assured me. After taking down basic facts like my name and address, she asked, "Was this a work-related accident?"
Today's goofy movie is "Bull Jumping" Enjoy! Ophelia
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