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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Replaced the sparker on my Barbecue today, after I heard what
happened to a guy down the road. He wasn't happy with slicing
a fire cracker or cherry bomb, sticking the fuse out through
the lighting hole, and lighting that, like most of us here in this
trailer court do.

He got hold of an old taser and wired that to his BBQ sparker.
Judging by the screaming and cussing, he won't ever try THAT
again. 

A new sparker button kit only cost me $4.95, so I sold the
rest of the box of firecrackers to the Sheriff's wife for $25.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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A pretty lady was visiting the new doctor in town for
the first time. She found herself alone in a small waiting
room. She began undressing, preparing herself for the
upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of
her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap
sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude
patient up and down carefully and with considerable
appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite
obvious to me that you are used to the complete eye
examination, not just the short one I had scheduled
you for. I better cancel all other appointments for
the rest of the afternoon."



A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly
irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from
the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun
of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the
gall to run his hand across the older man's pate
while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's
butt."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging exec also
felt his gleaming head.
"You're right," he said, "it does! She sure does have
a smooth one."

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

The college professor was trying to demonstrate a project on his
computer to four coeds helping him edit a newsletter. He was having
problems with the computer, so the ladies went over to the lounge until
he could get the program pulled up. The Dean was a little shocked when
he walked in the door and heard one of the coeds shouting down the
hallway, "Hurry up and get in here, girls, the professor finally got
it up!"


Comic relief is when you add a touch of humor to an
otherwise serious situation,
like the word "obey" in the marriage ceremony.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Terrible weather, somewhere else, far away. But because I have 
been behaving, we had gorgeous summer weather. I guess
somebody up above wanted to see me sun tanning. So I did!
The entire lunch hour and some more in the evening.

Hopefuly YOUR weather is just as nice!
Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

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Doc: "George, you're a 71-year-old man and may have lost interest
in sex. There is nothing that I as your doctor can do to help you."

George:
"You are absolutely right, Doc, 
but your nurse sure could!"



Three Englishmen had a very late night drinking Guiness. 
They left in the early morning hours and went home separately. 
They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes 
about who was drunker.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I
drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as
I got through the door, I blew chunks."

To which the second guy replied, "You think that was drunk?
I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped
my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have
insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I
got home, got in a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle
over and burned the whole house down!"

There was silence for a moment and then the first guy
exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they
came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt
the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a
cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go
there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with,
so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself
and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not
getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a
flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each
other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have
to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to
no good last night, my wife came home without her
panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with
a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget
you, Team 1 at the FireHall".


I hate sex in movies.
Tried it once, the seat folded up, 
the drink spilled and that ice, well,
it really chilled the mood.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Summer is back! I might get a tan yet!


Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

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that even more!


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The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let
your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should
always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient
girl.

Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new
husband were preparing to retire when the husband asked,
"Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why? "Well, we've been
married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that
silly hat to bed."



Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks
his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies,
"Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too,
but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around.  Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head
out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our
Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some
time, Little Johnny knocks on the door.  The madame opens the door.
"Yes?"  she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted
soul, invites Little Johnny inside.  She gives him three donuts and then
bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic.  (Dad obviously had
come and gone at Mabel's.)  "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched.  "Uhh, you did?  Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked
the third one!

 

 

Click on the picture for the large version


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!

   

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound:  A Pit Bull,  a German
Shepherd and a Great Dane.  The Pit Bull told the others,  "I was eating
my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food,  so I
bit her. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said  "I chewed up my master's shoes 
yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said  "My owner is a beautiful sixty seven year old
woman.  The other day she came out of the shower and bent 
over in front of me,  so I jumped on her back and had my
way with her."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?"  asked the others.

"No....,  I'm here to have my nails clipped!"


During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this
fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat
his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber
leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come
across was, er, female juices.

"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've
got one hell of a mustache!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 23, 2010
Smoke is all gone. It didn't just drift away. A mighty hail storm
followed by a downpour cleaned up in a hurry. The hail, of course
plugged up the storm sewers and the underpasses were swimming
holes within minutes. Much fun was had by all, especially the tow
truck drivers.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder

Thanks for voting for me! 
I DO appreciate it!
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that even more!


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by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

There's a woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans
over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my
privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not
to hurt each other, aren't we."



Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when
the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George,
"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked George.

"Well," replied Charlie, "I can barely remember the last
time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is
healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before
bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered. "Now
that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

 


Trumpeter


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


What a Woman Says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
And if we don't do laundry right now
You'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.


Little Johnny was talking to his father about Suzy.
"She sure is pretty, I wish I knew how to get her to
pay attention to me," he said. "She never says
anything to me, I don't think she knows I'm alive."

"Well," his father responded, "the best way to get
her attention is to go up to her and pay her a
compliment. Try saying something nice about
her clothing, and she will remember you fondly.
Ask her where she got it, that is a sure bet to
start a conversation with a pretty girl."

The next day Little Johnny saw Suzy on the
playground.  "Hey Suzy," he said, "That is
sure a pretty sweater you are wearing.
Where'd you get one with the knobs on it?"

Without blinking an eye she replied, "The
same place you got your pants with the
gear shift."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 22, 2010

The smoke is getting a bit tiresome after more than a week. 
It is so thick that often you can't tell where the sun is, and it 
sure shortens the daylight hours! 

The forest fire smoke doesn't stop the planes from coming in,
but often they have to wait 2-3 hours before it is clear enough,
so that they can see far enough down the runway to be able
to chance a take-off. I had thought that if they can land by 
instruments, they could take off that way too, but apparently not.

Oh, well. The smoke deposits ash onto the fields. That's
metals and minerals, that the plants need to build nutrients.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his 
friend Doug.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" 
Doug suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and 
tell her about it!"

So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring 
some excitement and will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that seven times
...it never worked."



The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. 
The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the 
woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with 
built-up heels to help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had improved in
their love life with the shoes.

"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get
the sheets too dirty."

 


Italian Baby Bottle


 Yeast Free Cooking Manual / Cookbook!
A Delicious Cookbook full of great cooking tips, easy, yet 
yummy recipes and a healthy eating guide to combat Autism, 
Alzheimers, Candida, Fibromyalgia, Food Allergies, Arthritis, 
and more! 
Also includes a complete guide to a Yeast Free Diet.
Go get It!
   


A father came home from a long business trip to find his son
riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the
money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied. "Every night you were
gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom.
Every day he gave me a $20 bill and told me to go for a hike!"


One summer, the company that Andrew worked for
transferred him to another city. Andrew was
told that he had to take a new physical with
the company doctor to continue to be employed.

All the tests came out fine, but the doctor
remarked that Andrew had the smallest penis
he'd ever seen.

"Do you have any difficulties with it being
so small?" the doctor asked.

"Not at all" Andrew said. "I've got a wife,
three kids, and we have a great sex life.
But I must admit I do sometimes have a
problem finding it in the daytime."

"What about at night?" the doctor asked.

"Nights are no problem," Andrew said,
"because at night, there are two of us
looking for it!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------