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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
	
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A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal
blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The
nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private
room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse
knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"

"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left
hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could
you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but
you are kinda cute..."

She gets on her knees and begins.

"I really appreciate this," he interrupted,
"but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"


A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar
on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and
make small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got
my name. What's your name?"

"Beerboobs," the man replied.

 




She makes LOTS of money
wif her shovel.


A captain in the French Foreign Legion was
transferred to a remote desert outpost. 
in the FFL, officers are from France, enlisted men
from anywhere but France.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking
camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He
asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel
tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so
when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for
morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long,
lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his
sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant,
"BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the
other men, and led the camel into the Captain's
quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his
tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with
pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do
it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Not really, Sir, 
usually they just use it to ride into town."


A farmer went to town to buy some goods. He stopped at the
hardware store and bought a pail and a hammer. He then went
to the market and bought a live goose and 2 chickens. He
didn't know how to carry everything but the shopkeeper
suggested "put the goose in the pail the hammer in one hand
and hold each chicken under you arms. He did this and
started to walk home.

Soon he saw a beautiful young lass with huge tits bulging
out of a low cut dress. She looked lost. He asked "Lassy can
I help you, you look lost?" She replied, "I am, I'm looking
for my Uncle Mr. Simms. The farmer said, "Why he's my
neighbor, follow me there." So off they went, he was getting
tired so he suggested a short cut through an alley. "Why
sir, how do I know that you will not force me against the
wall and take me once we are alone in the alley?" "Now how
can I do that? Don't you see the goose, the hammer and
chickens I carry?" he said.

She replied "...well you can put the goose on the ground,
the pail over the goose, place the hammer on the pail and
I'll hold the chickens!"


A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling
system of the head and the heating system of the heart.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, August 2, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The teacher, in an attempt to stimulate their minds, asked
the class the following question, "What is bright red and
shiny?". 

Little Johnny jumped up and shouted, "A fire engine!"

No! No!" said the teacher," But I like the way you think..
anyone else?"

Little Susan replied that it was an apple and everyone was
happy except Johnny of course. Anyway, Little Johnny asked
the teacher if he can ask a question to which she nodded OK. 

"What is long, hard, rounded and has hair at one end
and you put it into your mouth?"

"JOHNNY!!!" she screamed, "WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT TALK
HERE!" 

Johnny replied, "Relax. It's a toothbrush, 
but I like the way you think."


One more on that topic:

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe
a fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." Okay,
first: it's round, plumb and red." of course, Little Johnny
raised his hand high, but the teacher wisely ignored him
and picked little Deborah, who promptly answered "An
apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.

Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and
brownish.." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his
seat trying  to get the teacher to call on him. But she
skips him again and calls on Little Billy.. "Is it a
peach?"  "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like
your thinking.."

Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By
now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand
frantically.. But the teacher skips him again and calls on
little Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher
replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly..
"Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in
my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and its got
a head on it, and yiu want it." 

"Johnny!" she screeches. "That's disgusting!"

"Nope," answers Johnny, 
"it's a coin, but I like the way you think!"

 



Wash out! I'm comin frough!


Joyce and Edna, two widows, are talking when Joyce says, "That nice
George Johnson asked me out for a date ... I know you went out with him
last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my
answer."

Edna smiled and said, "Well ... I'll tell you. He shows up at my
apartment punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a beautiful car ... a limousine,
uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner -
marvellous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show ... let me tell you,
Joyce, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into a complete
ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress rips down
my expensive new red silk knickers and has wild sex with me four times!"

Joyce is shocked. "Goodness gracious! ... so you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna shook her head vigorously. "Hell, no!  I'm just saying, you better
wear your old gear."


A first grade teacher had a small number of children
gathered around a table for a reading group.
After the story was read she gave the children a work
sheet to do.

She thought they may have some problems so wanted
them to work on it there.

She heard a little girl say very softly "damn!".

The teacher leaned over and said quietly,"We don't say
that in school."

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she
said, "Not even when things are totally fucked up?!"


Three old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
About then an old man walked by, and one of the old ladies said,
"We bet we can tell how old  you are."

The old man said "there ain't no way you can guess it".
One of the old ladies said: "Sure we can.
Drop your pants!" He did.

The old ladies stared at him for a while and then they all piped up and
said, "You're 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing. How did you guess that?"

The old ladies, laughing and slapping their knees,
"You told us yesterday".



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 1, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into 
town and proceeded to get thoroughly drunk.

A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck 
out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the 
hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold 
water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the 
cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and 
screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, 
you've got work to do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift 
my head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you 
this hungover a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. 
"Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, 
and I had to push him home backwards all the way.


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude
beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son
goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I
saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says...
"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says...
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!"

 





There was a priest who had a young intern working with him.
Because this priest was living in such a big house, he had
a housekeeper. One day the priest had the intern over for
supper. The young guy noticed that the housekeeper was
very sexy and wondered if there was something going on.

A couple of days later, the housekeeper approached the
priest and said she couldn't say for sure but she thought
that the intern had stolen the gravy ladle. The priest
decided to write to the intern and he said, "I can't say
that you stole my silver gravy ladle and I can't say that
you didn't but that fact is that it has been missing since
you were here!" The intern replied, "Well, I can't say that
you are sleeping with your maid but I can't say that you
aren't, but the fact is that if you slept in your own bed,
you'd find the ladle!!"


Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make
your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and some wood.


After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet
country road and made his move. When Mary responded
enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his
hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out
of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night,
she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her
own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As
they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up
Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the
car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her
diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two
legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That
night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when
even the best of friends must part."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, July 31, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned 
about your declining health?"

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't 
afford cigarettes!"


From England, extracts from actual letters sent to various
councils and Housing associations.

1 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
  and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very
   badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
   passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his
   balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the
   outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the
   other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
   from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my
   wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
   pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
   50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster
   and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
   until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a
   funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
    pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road,
    every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its
    now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden,
    which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children
    and would like a third so please send someone round to
    do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and
    would you please do something about the noise made by
    the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
    and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
    times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
    passage has fungus in it.

18. He has a huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
    just cannot take it any more.

 



Large version
MOM!!!!


From Dina
"I told my hubby that a woman is like a fine wine... I always
get better with age. 
The next day, he locked me in the wine cellar."


A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a
drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he
tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the
bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man
walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds
he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar
with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the
barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in
here and left with those two stunning women - what's his
secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could
want but have not been able to connect all night - What's
going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but
he does the same thing every night.
He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking
his eyebrows...


A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the
desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid
not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a
special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,
inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time
the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which
reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25
cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What
Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around
he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into
the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his
wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony.

Five seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the
salesman was able to withdraw his penis, 
which now had a button sewed on the tip.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 30, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

"Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. 
Remember
that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"



From Evan
My Wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and I were shopping in crowded mall.
We had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and I
decided that I was going to really get her. I announced in a loud voice
that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!". 

I was disappointed that only a few people around us reacted but my Wife
managed to bring down the house when she responded, 
"That's ok, then I won't tell you who the father is!".

 


Large Version 800
Large Version 1024
Large Version 1200
Large Version 1600


As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked
up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the
vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."


Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a man strays, 
it's because men are @#$%&@#$%###!!!



Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's
court. He had a long-standing obsession.... to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.... but he knew the
penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold
coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily
agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching
lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere
while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the
itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the
King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such
a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's
mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued
the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the
antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him,
into his mouth and for the next four hours worked
passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio
demanding payment. However, with his obsession now
satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed
him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this
matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive
dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth, 
and promptly left for a pilgrimage to Rome.

And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the
King.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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