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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, August 1, 2010


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Ophelia
	
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The cowhand got paid on Friday and immediately rode into 
town and proceeded to get thoroughly drunk.

A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck 
out, turned his horse around, and went back to join the 
hapless for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold 
water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the 
cowhand's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and 
screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the goddamn trail, 
you've got work to do."

"Can't," mumbled Tex. "Too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift 
my head."

"Get the hell up!" she screamed in his ear. "I've seen you 
this hungover a thousand times."

"Last night was different," said the wretched fellow. 
"Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, 
and I had to push him home backwards all the way.


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude
beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son
goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I
saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says...
"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says...
"Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I
ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and
dumber he got!"

 





There was a priest who had a young intern working with him.
Because this priest was living in such a big house, he had
a housekeeper. One day the priest had the intern over for
supper. The young guy noticed that the housekeeper was
very sexy and wondered if there was something going on.

A couple of days later, the housekeeper approached the
priest and said she couldn't say for sure but she thought
that the intern had stolen the gravy ladle. The priest
decided to write to the intern and he said, "I can't say
that you stole my silver gravy ladle and I can't say that
you didn't but that fact is that it has been missing since
you were here!" The intern replied, "Well, I can't say that
you are sleeping with your maid but I can't say that you
aren't, but the fact is that if you slept in your own bed,
you'd find the ladle!!"


Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make
your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and some wood.


After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet
country road and made his move. When Mary responded
enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his
hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out
of the car is a hurry, and ran home. Later that night,
she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her
own two legs."

On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As
they were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up
Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the
car, and hurried home. Later that night, she wrote in her
diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two
legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road.
This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That
night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when
even the best of friends must part."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, July 31, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Ninety-year-old man: "Yes! After all these years, I've
finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned 
about your declining health?"

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I couldn't 
afford cigarettes!"


From England, extracts from actual letters sent to various
councils and Housing associations.

1 I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
  and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very
   badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back
   passage.

3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his
   balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the
   outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the
   other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away
   from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my
   wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is
   pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
   50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster
   and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
   until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a
   funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
    pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road,
    every morning at 6:00 am his cock wakes me up and its
    now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden,
    which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children
    and would like a third so please send someone round to
    do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and
    would you please do something about the noise made by
    the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job
    and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six
    times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
    passage has fungus in it.

18. He has a huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
    just cannot take it any more.

 



Large version
MOM!!!!


From Dina
"I told my hubby that a woman is like a fine wine... I always
get better with age. 
The next day, he locked me in the wine cellar."


A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a
drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he
tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the
bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man
walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds
he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar
with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the
barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in
here and left with those two stunning women - what's his
secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could
want but have not been able to connect all night - What's
going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but
he does the same thing every night.
He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking
his eyebrows...


A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the
desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid
not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall is a
special machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,
inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time
the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which
reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25
cents."

"Why not," thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands
into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What
Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents."

The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around
he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into
the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his
wife for 2 weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a
shriek of agony.

Five seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the
salesman was able to withdraw his penis, 
which now had a button sewed on the tip.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 30, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

"Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. 
Remember
that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"



From Evan
My Wife, who was 8 months pregnant, and I were shopping in crowded mall.
We had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and I
decided that I was going to really get her. I announced in a loud voice
that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!". 

I was disappointed that only a few people around us reacted but my Wife
managed to bring down the house when she responded, 
"That's ok, then I won't tell you who the father is!".

 


Large Version 800
Large Version 1024
Large Version 1200
Large Version 1600


As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog
sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked
up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the
vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."


Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack 
of affection at home. 

Women believe if a man strays, 
it's because men are @#$%&@#$%###!!!



Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's
court. He had a long-standing obsession.... to nuzzle the
beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.... but he knew the
penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

Horatio said "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold
coins to pay bribes". Michael the Dragon Master readily
agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching
lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere
while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the
itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the
King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours,
would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such
a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's
mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued
the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the
antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him,
into his mouth and for the next four hours worked
passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio
demanding payment. However, with his obsession now
satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed
him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this
matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive
dose of the same itching lotion into King Arthur's loincloth, 
and promptly left for a pilgrimage to Rome.

And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the
King.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 29, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Trishia decides to do something wild she hasn't done
before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult
video. She goes to the video store and, after looking
around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into
something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment though, there's nothing but static
on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

"Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with
some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Replies Trishia, "It's called, 'Head Cleaner'."


A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad?
Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"
The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied,
"Sometimes a lawyer will try anything to win a case."

 



Large Version


Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's mother-in-law went camping
over the weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that her mother 
had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.

So the two of them went looking for her.

After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly 
bear squared off with the mother-in-law!

Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice,
"Dewayne you got'ta do something, or there's gonna be blood 
shed fer sure!"

Dewayne calmly said, "Now look, honey, 
the bear got himself into it..."


The President of a large manufacturing company during economic 
slow down told his Supervisors that they would have to lay one 
person off in each department. 

Bob took this hard because he didn't have anyone he wanted
to lay off. They were all good workers. It came down to the 
last two people that he had hired. Mary or Jack. 

The day before he was to let one person go, Mary came in early and 
Bob called her into his office to talk to her, thinking maybe she would 
volunteer to go. Bob told Mary: "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack 
off today." 

Mary replied: "You better jack off, because I've got a headache."


Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the
merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose."Well, I don't like them,"
said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, 
I blow my slippers off!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

   |  BLOG  | Subscribe | 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

 earning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace
vodka Martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued the
following memo:
 To all employees: If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey.
It is much better for our customers to think you are drunk, 
than to realize you are stupid.


When the secretary entered her boss' office one morning,
he looked ou the window and announced idly, "It's certainly 
going to be a beautiful day."

"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forcast is
for rain."

"It's not going to rain," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you
twelve to one."

"I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour. Afterward
is fine, if I don't get wet during lunch hour."

 



Large Version


A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention 
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When 
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

The house gets $60.00 and the girls get $40.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped 
off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully 
unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached 
a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do 
the girls get?"

"The girls get $70.00 and the house gets $30.00."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the 
Madam $100.00, which promptly disappeared through
a slot in the wall, 
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly 
attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an
ancient looking weathered woman in the corner, 
"but Ethel here has seniority."


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it 
in their cart.  

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, 
and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 
jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. 

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies 
the wife. 

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and 
it's half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup crew to aisle 25, we have 
a husband down."


The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse 
after being sworn in as Canadian citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Canadian 
citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife replied. 
"Tonight, you cook the damn dinner, 
and in bed, I get to be on top!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------