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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, August 23, 2009 The first time I heard people in the US call Obama their "Vista President", I laughed, partly because I didn't fully understand why they said that. Then I heard the reason why. People are saying the same thing about Obama, as they say about Vista. "Oh shit! What have we done? The demo looked so good!" Heard ONE positive comment about Vista, though. A friend told me that it cured her hubby of computeriitis, and that he spends more time in bed with her now. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the "Blonde Education Department." The blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now, after all they now had their own department at the university. So now they all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the "Blonde Education Department" which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D!" 
Dave was talking to his buddy, John, about his love life. "So, John, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" "Yep," John shook his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object...." A door-to-door salesmen knocks on a neighborhood door. A little boy answers the door and the salesman says, " Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?" "Yes said the lad, she's out in the backyard screwing our goat." " No," says the salesman, " I don't belive you." The boy says, " Come see for yourself." So the salesman takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough, there was the mom bent over with a large goat behind her.. The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid she'll get pregnant?" The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a-" Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction. "Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should Iput it, a bit on the crude side." "Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked. "Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied. "Then where in the f*** does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?" The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, 'Mommy what's that between your legs?' She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, 'Grandma what's that between your legs?' She replied, 'That's my squirrel.' The little boy said, 'Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours.' Grandma replied, 'Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, August 23, 2009 We are getting a bit of summer after all! I was able to go for my Saturday cruise with the top down. There were lots of bikes on the road. They were mostly in small groups and travelling at a decent speed, not shivering along below the speed limit, like the huge groups, that were around in early summer. A lot more smiles this way! Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine. His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing? The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four'? After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was 'two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four!! 
A girl from Kentucky and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Kentucky, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Kentucky sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, ya snotty bitch?" Guido's wife had recently died and she was being buried. Guido was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends. "Don't worry Guido, in two or three months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy" "I know, I know," says Guido, "But what am I gonna do tonight?" This woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a penis... ...AND a brain?" A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom. He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs. The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief. "No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!', nobody would have shown up to rescue me."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, August 22, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Joe's wife had a sex change. Now it's Wednesday'sand Saturday's instead of Tuesday's and Friday's. 
Getting chilly in the mornings!
An Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead, just when headquarters initiated a call to him. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station. When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major's hand. "Don't congratulate me, sir," he said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing." The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl." MOM: Didn't I tell you that if a guy touches your butt, say DON'T. And if he touches your boobs say STOP! GIRL: Well, mom, he touched both so I said: DON'T STOP!!! Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Cru...?, nah, Mrs Franny? " Two out of work bums decided that they would be better off in a more downtown location so they hitched a ride. The driver dropped them off in the city's red-light district. A hooker approached one of the bums and said, "Say guy... Would you like a hand job?" The bum shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." A few minutes later another hooker approached the bums and said, "Say guys... Would you like a blow job?" The bum again shook his head and said, "Errr... no, it's ok." After the hooker left the bum turned to his buddy and said, "We'd better go back where we came from. We've only been here 10 minutes, and we've been offered two jobs already!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, August 21, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Did you hear about the little girl who asked Santa for a Barbie and a G.I. Joe for Christmas? "Oh, but Barbie comes with Ken", Santa said. "No" the little girl replied to Santa, "Barbie comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!" 
NowSmileDamnit.jpg
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese custom," he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom," he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading his bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that bull's ass, it could just about shit on you." The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs." "What do you mean mate" asks the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs." "Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to bull shit!" A lady in London goes to the gynecologist for an exam. While examining her, the doctor asks, "So, did you ever have a check-up here before?" "No" she replied, "but I have had a couple of Germans and a Russian" On their third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously towards his bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff. She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom. Mom," she says, "My new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means." "Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle." Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies. So she hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts hitting the end with the other. An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job" says his agent. "That's great" says the actor, what is it?" "Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner" "That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?" "'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening". The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar". He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', you're late, get up to makeup straight away. So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on" So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager. "I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'" "You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar', get on there, the curtains about to go up" So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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( 3 / 157 )Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, August 20, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out- of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!" she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "There is absolutely no doubt. It's pretty clear that he was following you and taking pictures to post on the net." 
There was a Chinese father who was very close to his son. They used to go everywhere together including looking for "chicken" (Chinese slang for prostitute). One day, the son decided to go overseas for study. The father was very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him, "We cannot look for chicken together for the next few years. However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will pay for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your mother will not suspect." So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill from the son......(shooting bird - $500). Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting bird is more than $1000. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he wrote to his son. "Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some cheaper one." A month later, the father received another bill from his son. On it he had written: Shooting Bird - $50 Rifle Repair - $2,000 The Bride smiled sweetly at the Maid of Honor when they both overheard the Groom say to the Best Man, "Look, I'm positive she's a virgin. In fact, if you care to bet, I'll give you 20 to 1 odds." When they were alone though, the Bride shouted, "How could you do such a thing? We're only just married & already you're throwing money away." The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy, you go first." Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court." The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Sammy your turn." Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Sammy. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m...f-a-r-n...f-n..." The teacher says, "Tyrone, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Johnny." Johnny stands up and says, "My name's Johnny. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you seven to twor on that Tyrone ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow." A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said: "Yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells: "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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