Good Morning 
It's Monday,  August 10, 2009

The radio had predicted thunder storms for the afternoon, and
the air was hazy and electric, but I went for a drive anyway. 
It is finally warm enough and feels like spring!

On the way back it cut loose. A flash of lightning like a phot flash
into the face from two feet away, and instant thunder clap.
Half a mile further the rain started. Big warm drops but like
a waterfall. I slapped the wipers into top speed and kept
going. 

With the top down you have a choice: Stopping and putting the
top up and get soaked from top to bottom, 
or keep going and get the odd splash into your lap, when a gust
diverts the rivulet coming off the edge of the windshield.
Naturally, I kept going.

Most people slowed right down, probably scared by the inch of
water on the road. I have ridden snowmobiles on water and
aqua planing doesn't scare me. I keep the cruise control on
and don't make any sudden moves with the steering wheel.
It's the same as driving on ice. 

Ten miles later I was through the rain, clear, washed sky
with no more haze and nice, warm sun. By the time I was home,
my lap was almost dry.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl
from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her
a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a
hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says,
"In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in
Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he
takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex
with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass
sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass
sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."




Wanna Bet ?


Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto
the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but
he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with
Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula
screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and
continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the
window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car you @#$%^
son of a @#$%$# %$#@!"



After a sexual harassment incident at work Frank is sent to a
psychiatrist for evaluation. The Doctor explains that he'll be
showing Frank a series of ink blot images called Rorschach
Inkblots.

Doctor: "Now Frank, as I reveal each image tell me the first
thing that comes to mind, okay?"

Frank: "Sure, I got it."

The doctor shows the first pattern.
Doctor: "What do you see?"

Frank: "A women with really big tits."

Next image.
Frank: "A man and a women doing it doggie style."

Next image
Frank: "Hey! She's going down on that guy."

The doctor puts down the images and says, "Frank, you seem to
have an obsession with sex."

Frank: "Me! Hell Doc, you're the one with all the dirty
pictures."


A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard
how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard.
"First you must take her into the water, then place one arm 
below her chest, hold her tightly, then take her right arm 
and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that
my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her
into the deep end of the pool.  She'll learn in a hurry."


Paul and Judy took Jared for his first visit to the
circus, and by chance their seats were next to the
elephant pen. When Paul left to buy popcorn,
Jared piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on
the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

Judy blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon Paul returned, and Judy went
off to get a soda. As soon as she had left Jared
repeated his question.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son."

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing
at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No. Down there."

Paul took a good look and explained, "That's
the elephant's penis."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was
nothing?"

Paul took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I guess  I've
spoiled that woman."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  August 9, 2009
Started with thick fog and 3 degrees above freezing, 
but by afternoon we had summer weather. I even went to the
Dairy Queen! They still have one token outside table left,
and I was the only one braving the wind to sit there, but I quite
enjoyed it.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

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Top marks this week go to the government agency in
Scunthorpe, England, who updated their email system
to use a filter which filtered out any emails
containing profanity or obscene language of any kind.

All was fine, 'til they realized that no one
whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week
since they installed the software.

They checked through everything and couldn't find a
problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all
their email addresses, contained the word.... well,
work it out for yourself.




Australian-Fireworks-Competition

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum
liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a
nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the
smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine
room. 

It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance,
couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast
shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship
into darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down
with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come
upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their
flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other.

They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each
other.

Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician,
the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be
more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the
officers is missing."



A redneck named Bubba was tired of hearing redneck jokes that used the
name, Bubba.  He went to court and changed his name.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy?  "C-A-N-D-Y is that right?
Yes thats right, your honor." said Bubba
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally,
your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and
heard "who's there?"
He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand
and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!...  Come on in, Dick."


Tammy and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and 
became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a BJ if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."


Jon left for a two day business trip to London..
He was only a few blocks away from his house when
he realized he'd left his train ticket on top of his dresser.

He turned around and headed back to the house.
He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.
He saw his wife washing her hair, wearing
her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached
out, squeezed her boobs and plugged in for a quickie.

"Leave only one quart of milk," she said.
"Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  August 8, 2009

Re Servants: no, I was not referring to White House employees 
who perform services for more than one person, just to Michelle's
personal servants, or "The First Lady's staffers" as she sometimes
calls them. She has more personal servants than Mugabe.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to
go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set
a trap for her.

He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs,
he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight
on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if
there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into
the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is
reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.

The bowl was full of butter.




If she is not, she will be soon!

Two boys were skinny-dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the
size of the other's manhood, so he asked,
"How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded, "Well I rub it down every night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole.
Once again, there was a comparison made, with no results.
The first boy said, "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed
it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed, "Well, no wonder. That's shortening."



"The same guy who removes the cigarette butts from the
urinal also puts the ice in your drinks."


A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother
goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked
to see her daughter open it naked.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Mom, it's my LOVE dress!! Don't you like it?"

"I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over."
replies the mom.

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her
daughter is naked.

"Now what are you doing?"

"Mom, it's my LOVE dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself.
When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction,
"Honey, what are you doing?" she gives him the same answer
her daughter gave her, "It's my LOVE dress! What do you
think of it?"

Her husband thinks long and hard before answering.
His last words apparently were: 
"I think you should have ironed it!"


For all you Campers out there...Sixteen Steps to Build
a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one
fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in
hand)

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow
gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out
searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled
"kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining
firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: 

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  August 7, 2009

I read that Michelle Obama has 21 servants at a cost to the 
tax payers of 1.54 Million Dollars, and that is not counting
the herd of security people and body guards billed separately.
Seems she is trying to appear more aristocratic than Pelosi.
Quite a switch from the howling Marxist she was a year ago. 

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

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The already had two rambunctious boys, the husband was 
thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have 
twins this time.  He told his wife that she should start thinking 
of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph.
How about Getoff and Stayoff?"






The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer
Company's production line, at which point the guided tour eventually
arrived.

The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This", he
said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer
to any question you may care to ask it."

A smartass stepped forward and asked,
"Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task.
Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the
laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida."

The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead!  It was a trick
question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry
the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was
precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.

The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, 
"Where is my mother's husband?"

Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life.  The paper said:
"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."



A co-worker told Mujibar that his wife was being unfaithful
everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with Mujibar's best friend.

Worried and hurt, Mujibar ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

"Look," said Mujibar. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy
isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."


Little Johnny's mom asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the field
trip.

"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and fuckers."

Mom: "er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but
what is a fucker?"

Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks"

Mom: "but who said they were called, er, fuckers?"

Johnny: "that was our teacher. Well actually she called
them "effers,"
but we all knew what she meant."
---------
Farmers write that  as "heifers"


One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were
being introduced to other members and shown around. The man
leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair
by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some
hunting stories you'll never forget."

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.

"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting
expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days
without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had
to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down,
propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how
long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever
seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!
...........I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't
blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out
at me."

The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then,
just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!
OOPS, did it again!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  August 6, 2009
Still got November weather.
The radio said that for the weekend we might get more seasonal
weather, not hot like in the 1990's, but quite comfortable summer
weather.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

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 The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the
few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and
lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde
pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her......
"This is a stick-up, not an office party!"




Glad they got summer in the South!



After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over
at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?"

"Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those
people to do that?"


A man bought a parrot. It sat in its cage all day saying,
"Cracker want a polly. Cracker want a polly."

The man's friend heard the bird and said, "That bird is
really stupid!"

The owner said, "No, his name's Cracker, and he's very
lonely."


An elderly spinster called the police one day to report that
her neighbour was exposing himself. "Oh dear," she continued,
"there he is as bold as can be taking a shower with his window
shades up."

A squad car arrived immediately with hopes of catching the
culprit in the act. The spinster showed the policeman into her
bedroom and pointed out the window, "See what I mean, officer?"

Scratching his head, the officer said, "Ma'am, the only thing I
see is the top of his head above his window sill."

"You silly fool, you have to get up on that dresser over
there!" she exclaimed.


Years ago, in high-school, Jill, a cute cheerleader confessed to her
kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the
front seat of his car.

"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it,
you'll know you've been doing something wrong."

"Yeah, I guess you right." replied Jill. "Maybe it would be more
comfortable in the back seat."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: