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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, August 31, 2009 I had a great weekend. In spite of the global cooling it warmed up quite nicely, with a cheerful May breeze. I might get a tan yet! Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
One frigid morning in North Dakota a man turned up at work much the worse for wear. "I didn't sleep a wink." he told a co-worker. "I was up all night trying to keep my wife's begonia covered against the freezing cold." "I should be so lucky." his co-worker replied. "When it's this cold my wife wears so damn many clothes to bed, I can never get anywhere near her begonia." Thanks to Dianne for this picture. 
Elmer, park the bimbo and go home with the waitress!
Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle. He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret? "His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish or get dull. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube." Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle. As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family is a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes." When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months. They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks. It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops her right there on the dining room table. Nobody says anything. He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her. As he is just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline. Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the $%^& dishes." Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, John. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend John and said, "John, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" John's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. Thasch why you alwaysch feel scho musch schmarter after a few beers. Better lookin too! Tanya, a teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me... babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," asked Tanya "won't it knock my teeth out...?
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, August 30, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I tore out a bunch of pages from my Dictionary, so now 'cleanliness' is next to 'godliness'. It's a good thing I did not tear out any more pages, or 'cleanliness' would be next to 'impossible!' Thanks to Deeli for this picture. 
Little Johnny said, "Hey, mom, can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not," his mom said. Little Johnny said, "If you do, I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up. She grabbed her purse, handed him a twenty and said, "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Marie, please go into the garden for a bit. One look at your make-up should scare that neighbor's dog and shut him up long enough so that I can have a nap in peace and quiet'." A travelling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading," Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief." Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. There, spot lit in the centre ring is a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it is an old retired Navy Chief. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Navy Chief is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same "Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief." He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the centre ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Navy Chief stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. You're incredible," he tells the Navy Chief. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well, says the Navy Chief, "My eyes aren't what they used to be." An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house." "Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're a few years late." An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, August 29, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
You should have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving, Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday Thunday 
Get even with the cat!
A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back!" he replied. Because of the increase in taxes in the US the cost of eating out has gone up. Until the economy improves, 69 will have to be called 96 to avoid the new tax on anything under four score and ten. . An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications." Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.""Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hell getting him to swallow the damn pill!!!" A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk." He knocked on the door and a beautifullady answered it. "Is this a mistake?" the milkman asked. "No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac." "Really?" replied the milkman. "Okay, do you want that pasteurised?" "No, up to my boobs would be fine," she said. "I can splash it on my face from there."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, August 28, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There was this woman who muttered a few words in the church and found herself married. A few years later she muttered something in her sleep and found herself divorced. 
Florida Biker Bar
One Sunday morning, a woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church. She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness." "Hallelujah!", cried the congregation. She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness." "Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again. "But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished. But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a slurred voice, "Thasch right momma, schcrew 'em all." An actor and a drama critic for a local newspaper were having lunch and discussing Shakespeare, since the actor was currently playing Hamlet on the stage. "Tell me," said the critic, "in your opinion, did Shakespeare intend us to believe Hamlet had sexual relations with Ophelia?" "Well..." responded the actor, "I don't know what Shakespeare intended, but I usually do." A man walks into a chemist shop with his eight year old son. They walk past the condom display and the boy asks, " What are these, Dad?" The man gives a matter-of-fact reply. "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh, I see," the boy replies. "Yes, I've heard of those in health class at school." The boy looks over the display, picks up a packet of three and asks," Why are there three in this packet?" The dad replies, "Those are for older high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" the boy says. He notices a six pack and asks," Dad, then who are these for?" "Those are for university men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "Wow!" exclaims the boy. And picking up a 12-pack, he asks," Then who uses these?" With a sigh, the dad replies," Well, son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..." Got this one from Dear Webby: Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hollered, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" .. . . .Pause. . . . . "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Obama that Americans are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by- step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, August 27, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners. His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally. "Yeah, you're late sit down and speak up!" he greets the woman. "Doctor, I'm having difficulty falling pregnant, I've been trying for years and to no success." The doctor doesn't look up and says: "Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it. I'm in a hurry." So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurely says: "Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband's..." 
Debbie went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. "To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation." "I don't think I can afford that" said Debbie. "Could you just replace the batteries?" A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both nod in agreement. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Johnny replied, "Pockets." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions." A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand down your shirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand down her shirt. After feeling around for quite a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds." THREE GOOD POINTS There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother" 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn't get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He had to feed a crowd in a moment's notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it. 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Tweet me on Twitter | |||
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