Monday, July 2, 2012, 05:19 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, July 2
BBQ was great. My potato salad was well appreciated
and I managed to do the steaks just right, with a pink stripe
in the center, and dark, spicy juice oozing, when they were
cut. Nobody finished their steaks and Maryann put all the
leftovers into a styrofoam box for me. That will make a
phantastic stew to last a few days!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Morris the matchmaker approached a single woman and told
her he had a husband for her.
"I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said,
"but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He
wants, he says, a sample."
The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask an orthodox
virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a
thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman. "
The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, Morris said, "He's a
business man. He buys goods in the market and he sells goods.
By him, it's not a big deal... just a sample."
She thought a minute. "A business man he is? So tell him I don't
give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants."
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full
of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful young lady.
The puzzled lady kept looking at him and his bulging
pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,
"It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, she continued to look at him thoughtfully
and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Click through the picture for full size
The newlywed couple come back from their honeymoon. The bride's mother
asks the groom Did you enjoy "the whole thing"?
The groom answers Yes, I enjoyed the "hole"
and she enjoyed the "thing"!!!
Why it is so QUIET in New York City on Sundays.
The Jews are visiting relatives on Long Island.
The Italians are all putting flowers on graves.
The Irish are all sleeping off hangovers.
The Cubans are in church.
The Mexicans are busy cooking.
The blacks are busy.
The Puerto Ricans can't get their cars started.
The Germans are either sleeping in or cleaning their Tubas.
The Polish think it's Tuesday.
A huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can
you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into
a telephone pole, and knocked it completely over.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, ran a
hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said,
"if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These
two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their
apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my
VCR?
Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure
this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in
a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every
week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Red-White and Blue Desert Pizza
Ingredients:
1 box (1 Lb 2.3 Oz) Fudge Brownie Mix
Water, vegetable oil and eggs called for on brownie mix box
1 pkg (8 Oz) Cream Cheese, softened
3/4 cup Sugar
½ tsp Vanilla
2 cups sliced Fresh Strawberries
1 cup Fresh Blueberries
1 cup Fresh Raspberries
½ cup Strawberry Jelly
Directions
1. Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease bottom only of a
12-inch pizza pan with shortening or cooking spray.
2. In medium bowl, stir brownie mix, water, oil and eggs
until well blended. Spread in pan.
3. Bake 24 to 26 minutes or until toothpick inserted 2 inches
from side of pan comes out clean or almost clean.
Cool completely, about 1 hour.
4. In a small bowl, beat cream cheese, sugar and vanilla
with electric mixer on medium speed until smooth.
Spread mixture evenly over brownie base.
Arrange sliced berries over cream cheese mixture.
Stir jelly until smooth; brush over berries.
Refrigerate about 1 hour or until chilled.
5. Cut into wedges. Store cover and refrigerate.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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Sunday, July 1, 2012, 07:27 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, July 1
A hearty Welcome to Michael in Hawaii!
Happy Canada Day!
Thanks to the Federal Govt every town got a big wad of cash
to put on fireworks and all kinds of events. I volunteered to
clean all the BBQs in the neighborhood and got invited
to cook and eat at one neighbor's place. Canada Day would
not be right without a steak and tomato and potato salad and
a beer. It is going to be a great day!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his
trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said.
A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and
said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body."
The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation."
And then following a long pause, he began unbuttoning his shirt,
and added, "In about an hour or so."
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and
said: "Well, it might be okay in California, Vermont, and Massachusetts,
but we're not having any of that crap in Texas."
Click through the picture for full size
An old lady was lonely so she decided to place an ad in the local
paper.
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR A MAN TO SHARE
LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING
QUALIFICATIONS
1 WON't BEAT ME UP
2.WON'T RUN AWAY
3 HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell
was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to
no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualiifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang, yet again. She opened the
door to find a man with no arms or legs, sitting in a wheelchair.
Perplexed, she asked . "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man. "Your search is over, for I am the man of your
dreams. I've got arms. so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs , so
I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you are
so good in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and
shouted:
Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good
night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night,"
what I really mean is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"
The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small
voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark
room:
"Good Night, Sergeant"
>From Frank
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in, I noticed
two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper
as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in,
they were speaking German."
["Nein" (NO!) sounds just like "nine"]
Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
--- Mark Twain
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM style Sloppy Joes from Scratch
Ingredients:
1 pounds ground beef
1 can brown beans
1 TBSP onion powder
4 TBSP ketchup
1 tsp mustard powder
1 tsp molasses
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp ground allspice
1/2 tsp garlic salt
8 hamburger buns or Kaiser buns, split
Directions
Saute meat in a deep frying pan
Add the rest of the ingredients and simmer until
it is quite thick. You have to reduce the temperature
and keep stirring towards the end.
Spoon about 1/2 cup meat mixture onto each bun.
Serves about 8.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
950
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Saturday, June 30, 2012, 05:39 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, June 30
Looks like it will be nice and dry, maybe even sunny.
That means I can go mow lawns. Each one is good for a supper.
Nah, not cash, unfortunately, just an extra plate at their
dinner table. Fine by me, it fills me up with good food!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Tim and Nancy lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Right downtown. Their house
was literally right downtown. But they had no indoor plumbing. They did,
however, have an outhouse. The older Tim got, though, the further away
it seemed to get.
One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just
relieve himself right there off the front porch.
Nancy was pretty pissed about his decision. "Tim, you moron. Our
neighbours can see you when you do that, you know."
"It's dark out" said Tim, "they can't see me"
"Of course they can" explained Nancy, "you're silhouetted against the
porch light and they can tell what you're doing"
He'd not given it THAT much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do
it again.
Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the
middle of the night he had to piss like a race horse. He got up, put on
his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business.
He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives
are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long."
"That's right."
"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"
"Yes, I did."
"We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbours can see you. They'll
know it was you and what you were doing out there. Aren't you the least
bit embarrassed?"
"Naw, they won't know it's me! This time I was squatting down!
And besides,"he added, "the only way they could see me at 3 am,
is if Bob or Linda are pissing off THEIR porch.
------------------------
Actualy, in the North Country that is quite common.
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with
her mother, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously
awaiting her first haircut.
When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie
with her to the chair, and the barber covers
her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite.
"You're getting hair on your Twinkie," the
barber playfully warns.
"Yes, I know," she replies. "And I'm getting
boobies, too!"
Thanks to Dianne for this pictrue:
Click through the picture for full size
Snow tunnel near Mutnovsky, Kamchatka, Russia
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on
your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she
says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like
a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa
can make a sound like a frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please
please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart,
why do you want me to make a sound like a
frog?"
The little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said
that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"
"Peter!" his mother scolded "There were two
cookies in the pantry this morning but now
there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"
Peter replied "It must have been too dark and
I didn't see the other one."
A door-to-door insurance salesman knocks on a rural Alabama
neighborhood door. A little boy answers the door and the
salesman says, " Hi little fellow, is your mother home ?"
"Yes said the lad, she's out in the backyard screwing our goat."
" No," says well dressed salesman, " I don't believe you."
The boy says, " Come see for yourself."
So Ray takes a look in the backyard, and sure enough,
there was the mom bent over with a large goat screwing
her from behind.
The salesman said to the boy, "isn't your mom afraid
she'll get pregnant?"
The boy says, " N-a-a-a-a-a-"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Sloppy Joes from Scratch
Ingredients:
2 pounds ground beef
1 large onion, chopped (or 1 teaspoon onion powder)
1-1/4 cups ketchup (or if you do not have enough, use tomato soup)
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon white vinegar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground (or regular mustard)
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
8 sandwich buns, split
Directions
In a Dutch oven (or it's equivalent), cook beef and onion
over medium heat until meat is no longer pink; drain.
Stir in the ketchup, water, brown sugar, vinegar, salt,
mustard, chili powder and allspice. Bring to a boil.
Reduce heat; simmer, uncovered, for 35-40 minutes
or until heated through.
Spoon about 1/2 cup meat mixture onto each bun.
Serves about 8.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
947
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Friday, June 29, 2012, 04:37 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, June 29
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked
by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to
stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dis-
missed the notion of a budding romance.
"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked.
"It would always be, 'Better like this...or like this?'"
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby
so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After
much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that
whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss
the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much
the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd,
"Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up
and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much, we wear our rubbers".
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Click through the picture for full size
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one
Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where
he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
Hello," said the little boy.
Hi," replied the little girl.
Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"
answered the little girl.
Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home
from church."
Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the
little girl. What about you?"
I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,"
replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so
they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a
low spot in the road where spring rains had partially
flooded the road so there was no way that they could
get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin
me alive," said the little girl.
My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"
replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna
pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade
across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going
to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other
side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing
there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their
clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked,
"You know, I never did realize before just how much
difference there really is between a Baptist and a
Catholic."
Joe went to a party the other night and was having a
real blast. After he'd been there a few hours (and
more than just several drinks), he noticed this fabulous
blonde standing over to the side. She was looking quite
alluring with beautiful long blonde hair down to her waist.
She was built like a brick, well, anyway she was built!
The amazing thing was, she kept staring at him and smiling.
Naturally, being a man, he decided to go try his luck.
Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
He went over and struck up a conversation with her
(don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting).
Well, one thing led to another and she invited him back
to her place and being the gentleman he was, he said "OK."
He would not go into all the details of the night (mainly
because he didn't remember), but he awoke the next
morning to the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying.
He thought now this is great! He thought he might have
a keeper here.
He got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen.
When he got there, her mom (looked to be in her 80's or 90's)
was standing at the stove.
Embarrassed, he stammered, "Where's your daughter?"
She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on
her face and said, "I don't have a daughter, Big Stud."
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made
from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news,
he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
Women should be obscene and not heard.
--- Groucho Marx
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Chicken & Bacon Puffed Pastry
Ingredients:
4 slices bacon
1 tablespoon olive oil
3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cubed
(or use equivalent with other chicken parts)
1/2 cup chopped onion (or 1/2 teaspoon onion powder)
3-ounce package cream cheese, softened
1 sheet frozen puff pastry, thawed
1 egg, beaten
Salt
Pepper
Herbs (optional)
Directions
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. In medium skillet, cook bacon
until crisp; remove, drain on paper towels, crumble, and set
aside. Drain pan, but do not wipe it out or wash it yet.
Add olive oil to pan and add chicken and onion. Cook together
until onion is tender and chicken is no longer pink,
about 7-8 minutes. Salt & Pepper to taste.
Remove and place in a medium bowl.
Add cream cheese and bacon to chicken mixture
and mix well.; if you're adding fresh/dried herbs,
add them at this point.
Roll out puff pastry to 12" square. Cut into four
6" squares. Divide chicken mixture among the
squares and fold in half. Seal edges and press
with fork.
Place on cookie sheet and brush with beaten egg.
Bake for 20-25 minutes, until deep golden brown.
Remove to wire rack and let cool 5 minutes before
serving: it will be very hot.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
945
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She wanted his Lifetime Savings
Thursday, June 28, 2012, 05:16 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, June 28
Looks like it will be nice and sunny today!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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After being with Danielle all evening, the man
couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend
call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to
leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered
his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," Robin replied.
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
"There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around
and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you
make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp."
--- Joan Rivers
Click through the picture for full size
Russian Harley
That'll teach him to cut me off!
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom
looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night
might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young
woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for
dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened
to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I
thought he meant his money!!"
A company was looking to hire someone for an important
position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed
their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of
them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer
within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would
get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,
and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names. It's either, Willie Turner
or Willie Nailer"
HE GOT THE JOB
A middle aged woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular
activity and recommended that she engage in sexual
activity three times a week.
A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor,
"Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the
husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday
would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on
Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the
bus."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Chocolate/Peanut Butter Pie
Ingredients:
9 inch pie crust, baked and cooled
1 2/3 cups peanut butter chips (you will divide this in recipe)
3 ounces cream cheese (softened)
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/3 cup milk
2 tablespoons milk
1 teaspoon unflavored gelatin
1 tablespoon cold water
2 tablespoons boiling water
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup cocoa
1 cup whipping cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions
Melt 1-1/2 cups peanut butter chips (set remaining peanut
butter chips aside). Beat cream cheese, powdered sugar
and 1/3 cup milk in medium bowl until smooth. Add melted
chips; beat well. Beat in remaining 2 tablespoons milk.
Spread into cooled crust.
Sprinkle gelatin over cold water in small bowl; let stand
1 minute to soften. Add boiling water; stir until gelatin is
completely dissolved. Cool slightly. Combine sugar and
cocoa in medium bowl; add whipping cream and vanilla.
Beat at medium speed until stiff; pour in gelatin mixture,
beating until well blended. Spoon into crust over peanut
butter layer. Refrigerate several hours. Garnish with
remaining chips and Whipped cream (if you like).
Cover, but remember to store leftover pie in refrigerator.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
That is MY stuff now!
943
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