Tuesday, July 31, 2012, 04:58 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 31
Nice hot day!
Summer is here!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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What word starts with"f" and ends with a "k"
and if you can't get it you have to use your
hands?
Answer is at the end
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat
at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of
champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a
special day for me. I'm celebrating too."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!,"
says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man.
"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile,
but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!," says the woman, "How did your chickens
become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Click through the picture for full size
Two guys went moose hunting every year without
success. Finally they came up with a foolproof
plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow
moose costume and learned the mating call of
a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the
costume, lure in the bull, then come out of
the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, in their costume, and began to give
the moose love call. Before too long their
call was answered by a bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to
them. They called again, The bull answered,
and came crashing out of the forest and into
the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats
got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets
get out and get him."
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity,
the guy in the back shouts "THE ZIPPER IS
STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?".
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going
to start nibbling grass, but you better
start to brace yourself!"
An reasonably cute girl goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural Pub. She gestures to the Barman
in a most alluring way. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so she
begins to gently caress his beard which is
full and bushy.
"Are you the Janitor?" she asks, softly
stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak
to him?" she asks, running her hands up
his face and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the Barman,
clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a
message," she continues huskily, popping
a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the Ladies Room"
Two boys were skinny-dipping and the one couldn't
help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he
asked, "How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded, "Well I rub it down every
night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming
hole. Once again, there was a comparison made,
with no results.
The first boy said, "I did what ya told me. Every night
I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed, "Idiot! No wonder.
Crisco is shortening."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM style Rice with Mushrooms
Ingredients:
1 cup Instant brow rice
1 can No-Name Mushroom soup
1 can Steakhouse or other sliced mushrooms
1 TBSP Minestrone Soup mix
Directions:
Pour everything into a microwave safe soup bowl
Stir it well and cover it with a plate
Microwave on high for 7 minutes.
Let it steep for 7-10 minutes covered.
Fluff up with a fork and serve.
Serve with fruit salad.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Fork
1040
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Monday, July 30, 2012, 04:52 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, July 30
It sure was a beautiful weekend. clear blue sky and nice
wind to make it comfortable. If I had not sold my boat,
I would be out there scaring myself, and everybody else.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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In the cafeteria on the first day of the semester at Kent State
University, I saw three students hard at work on their
calculators.
Stunned that they had received such an obviously tough
problem so early in the semester, I asked them what their
assignment was. One girl looked at me and replied,
"We're figuring out how many days until Christmas
break."
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he
might go about teaching a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard.
"First you must take her into the water, then place one arm
about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and
raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member.
"I know that my sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push
her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
Click through the picture for full size
>From Liz
We sent our parents during the Mardi Gras festivals to
New Orleans for their 55th Anniversary. They had a nice
room in a hotel just outside of Bourbon Street. Dad who
was 82 couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk
at 1 A. M., the first night there. As he was cruising
down Bourbon Street, he saw a skimpily dressed
woman on a balcony above him.
"Hey, do you wanna sleep with me for $100?" she called
down to him.
He answered, "Making love at my age is always a
real effort. But I could sure use the money."
The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house
maid, an Irish lass, straight out of the country.
The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the
Master of the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and
dusted a small bowl containing a couple of small round white
balls. She, being curious and not bashful, asked,
"What are these?"
He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered,
"Golf balls."
She said, "OH!", and went on dusting.
A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room,
where the master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl
were small white balls, only now there were four. She said,
"I see you shot another Golf!"
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
1. Compliment her,
2. cuddle her,
3. kiss her,
4. caress her,
5. love her,
6. stroke her,
7. tease her,
8. comfort her,
9. protect her,
10. hug her,
11. hold her,
12. spend money on her,
13. wine & dine her,
14. buy things for her,
15. listen to her,
16. care for her,
17. stand by her,
18. support her,
19. go to the ends of the earth for her.
20. make her feel smarter than you are.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1.Show up naked.
a). Bring food.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Rice with Mushroom Sauce
Ingredients:
Whole grain rice, unbleached
Campbells© Mushroom soup
Directions:
Make rice according to package directions.
Put can of Campbells© Mushroom soup in
saucepan, slowly stir in 1/3 cup milk.
Pour Mushroom sauce over rice.
Serve with salad.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1037
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Sunday, July 29, 2012, 04:07 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, July 29
I rarely have time to go check facebook and the tons of
requests to join this, that and the other app, which I
totally ignore. I am working hard and trying to pay down my
debts, and don't have time for all those apps.
One message caught my attention, though. Ruby had a picture
of G.W.Bush dressed for casual hunting.
Under it, the number of LIKES blew my socks off.
over 343,000 WOW! I wonder if that is a record?
Summer seems to have finally gotten here. I had to wait
with the mowing until after sunset. It was still plenty warm
enough then, but got dark before I finished my lawn.
I always do a few neighbors lawns first. Those are a few
more bucks off my 28% VISA debt, and a few ounces off
my butt. I hope. I will fisnish the mowing in the morning,
before it gets too hot.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a
department store.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but
grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies
clothing department first. Little Johnny obviously couldn't
wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned
around he was gone.
She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had
disappeared. Finally she went to the customer service desk,
intending to have them announce his name over the PA system.
To her relief he was already there waiting for her. The woman
at the desk said, "Security brough him here. They don't allow
testing of soccer balls in the chinaware section. We tried to
announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't' know
what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you,
and he replied 'mom', next we asked him what Grandpa
called you and he replied 'sugar'. We were almost out of
questions for him when another lady suggested that your
daughter-in-law might call you by your first name."
"We were so happy to see you show up at the desk,"
she continued, "because when we asked him what his
mommy called you, we were out of ideas!"
"Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously,
"What did he say?"
"Well," she replied, "he wanted to know whether we needed
the name she called you when you were close enough to hear
it, or the one she used, when you were far away."
>From Mona
Q.: What should a guy do when his girlfriend forgot
to take her birth control pills?
A.: Give her a good tongue-lashing.
Q.: What do you call a woman that does everything you
want in bed?
A.: Your girlfriend....just don't tell your wife.
Click through the picture for full size
After volunteering to fight for his country in WW II, Zoblinsky joined
his unit and lined up for his uniform. As equipment was issued in strict
alphabetical order Zoblinsky found himself at the back of the queue. By
the time he reached the desk all the uniforms had been issued. There
were none left. Zoblinsky was issued with a badge that said "soldier" in
red letters."You didn't want a scratchy old uniform anyway," the
quartermaster said.
"Join the line for your rifle."
Zoblinsky joined the back of the rifle queue. When he reached the front
Zoblinsky found that all the rifles had been distributed and then, once
again, there were none left. "You don't want to kill people anyway,"
said the quartermaster. "I'll issue you with a stick and you can shout
Bang Bang!" "Thank you," said Zoblinsky, and joined the queue for
bayonets.
Once again, on reaching the desk Zoblinsky was disappointed. The
quartermaster issued him with a lollipop stick with the advice that he
should shout "Sticky-sticky" when using it.....And so on.
Within weeks Zoblinsky found himself on the front lines shouting
"Bang-bang" for all he was worth. On his second day the German enemy
began a mass advance. One by one Zoblinsky's unit were killed or wounded
until only Zoblinsky himself remained standing. "Bang-bang!" he shouted,
and was amazed to see his German foes still falling. Soon they began to
overwhelm his trench and Zoblinsky began to stab wildly with his
lollipop stick. "Sticky-sticky. Sticky-sticky." Astoundingly it worked.
The enemy were dying at his feet. The survivors began to retreat. All,
that is, with the exception of one man who was only half way across
no-man's land and was still advancing slowly. Zoblinsky took careful aim
with his stick-rifle and calmly said; "Bang-Bang." The enemy soldier
continued his advance. "Bang-bang, bang-bang, bangedy-bang-bang-bang,"
Zoblinsky yelled frantically. Still he came. Before he could reach the
trench Zoblinsky leapt up and ran at him with the lollipop stick.
"Sticky-sticky, he said. And then added "Stab-stab-stab," for good
measure.
The enemy soldier refused to die and stared at Zoblinsky defiantly. By
now Zoblinsky had had enough. "Wait a minute, " he said. "When I shouted
'Bang' your comrades died, but not you. When I engaged them in
hand-to-hand combat with my lollipop stick they fell over dead, but not
you. What gives?"
"Tankity-tank-tank, " said Herr Zanker.
was sitting on the curb with a pint of turpentine
and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked little
what was in the bottle.
replied, "This is the most powerful liquid
in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world
is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub
it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
replied, "You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant
and asked the waitress what the special was.
"Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.
"You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed.
"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when
I wear high heels."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Low Fat Brownies
Ingredients:
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
2 oz bittersweet (or semisweet) chocolate
2 tbsp butter
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
2 tbsp low fat sour cream or yogurt
1 large egg
1 egg white
1-1/2 tsp vanilla extract
Directions:
Preheat your oven to 350F. Line an 8 or 9-inch round cake pan
with parchment paper and lightly grease it. I like to use spray oil.
In a medium bowl, sift together flour, cocoa powder, baking
powder and salt. In a small bowl, melt together bittersweet
chocolate and butter. Transfer to a large bowl and whisk the
chocolate mixture with sugars and sour cream.
Whisk in the whole egg, the egg white and vanilla extract.
Gently add the flour, mixing until no streaks of flour remain.
Don't over mix the batter OR you will end up with brownies
that are very tough.
Spread the batter into the prepared pan. Bake for about
22 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center
comes out with moist crumbs attached. Cool your brownies
completely in the pan and store them in an airtight container
(important to keep in an air tight container or they become hard).
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1036
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Pricked boil or boiled ...?
Saturday, July 28, 2012, 05:39 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, July 28
Thank you, Betty!
Thank you Norm!
Norm, I really had to laugh about your
"cutte little editor of the Dingbatter's News".
I don't have to turn sideways or wiggle to get through doors,
but I am a lot more cute than little. Due to diabesity, my
busted pancreas converts all foot straight to fat, instead
of energy providing sugar first.
I am battling it, though!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one
customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each
day before ordering.
One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be
made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she
marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes,
the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice
that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied,
"Sounds good! Don't go washing your hands before you
bring me my ham and eggs!"
For months Chuck had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last
he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous
question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"
Chuck began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the
companionship of another being, a being who will regard one
as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute
own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who
will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Chuck saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes.
Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea!
Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
Click through the picture for full size
Mike and Jenny are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her
with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand.
Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect ?" Jenny says, "A perm?"
Thanks to Dave for this one:
While working in the psychology department at Glen Oaks
Community College in Centreville, MI, I was asked to
enlarge a chart for a meeting. I called the copy room and
asked, "Can I get something blown up down there?"
After a pause the voice on the line replied,
"I think you want the chemistry lab."
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse
Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely
backwards.", said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a
patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this
week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24
hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!
The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down
the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just
realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Beef Fried Rice
Ingredients:
2 Tbsp. low-sodium soy sauce, plus additional to taste
1 clove garlic, minced
1 tsp. fresh minced ginger
1 tsp. rice vinegar (if you have none, use dark vinegar)
1 Tbsp. cooking oil
3 cups cold cooked rice
1 cup leftover cooked beef or frozen cooked beef
1 cup frozen peas and carrots
Directions:
In a small bowl, mix soy sauce, garlic, ginger, rice vinegar.
Heat oil in a large skillet or wok over medium-high heat.
Add rice and soy sauce mixture, stir-frying 1-2 minutes,
until rice is broken up and coated with soy mixture.
Add beef and vegetables. Stir fry until beef and vegetables
are warmed through and incorporated into fried rice.
Add more soy sauce, to taste, if desired.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1034
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Friday, July 27, 2012, 02:06 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, July 27
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read
their e-mails with the right hand on the mouse...
Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell
head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his
vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious
talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said
to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if
that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes,"
she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he
added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping
your wrists straight when you tee off."
Click through the picture for full size
Haboo on his 4x4 in the Apricot Desert?
The minister died and the congregation decided, after
some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it was a small
village the only available candidate was the local butcher. Although very
reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she
accepted.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking
a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my
mother always said that before the beginning of the
weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her,
"According to my father it is a blessing to have sex
during the day before the Sabbath.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep
he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should
always have sex on Sabbath night."
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the
next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a
Christian man always starts the Sabbath by
having sex. So lets do it."
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market
and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is
the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes
from a wonderfully religious family!"
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Goldblum for advice
about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when
you get out of the shower, rub the top of each of your nipples
and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want a bigger boobie.' "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months,
it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running
late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs
and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of
the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want a bigger
boobie."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr.Goldblum
by any chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said,
"Hickory dickory dock ....mumble mumble mumble".
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Breakfast Eggs on a Turkey Patty
Ingredients:
2 to 4 fully-cooked turkey patties (2 to 4 oz.)
2 to 4 eggs
2 to 4 Tbsp. milk
Salt and pepper
1 to 2 Tsp. butter
2 slices American cheese, halved
Ketchup, pickles (personal preference)
Directions:
Heat turkey patties according to package directions; k
eep warm.
Beat eggs, milk, salt and pepper in bowl until blended.
Heat butter in nonstick skillet over medium heat until hot.
POUR IN egg mixture. As eggs begin to set, gently pull
the eggs across the pan with an inverted turner, forming
large soft curds.
Continue cooking pulling, lifting and folding eggs until
thickened and no visible liquid egg remains. Do not stir
constantly. REMOVE from heat.
Place turkey patties on microwave-safe plate. Top evenly
with eggs, then with cheese.
Microwave on high a few seconds, just to melt cheese.
Top with ketchup and pickles, if you wish.
{*Also, you can put the topped burgers in a bun and enjoy.}
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1032
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