Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, July 22
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



Makes me wonder what THEY are smoking!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	



Since 1/1/11

             Countries
 

Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding
anniversary.

Charlie says to Audrey, "Audrey, I was wondering, have
you ever cheated on me?"

Audrey replies, "Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a
question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" He asked.

"Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and
you really wanted to start the business on your own and
no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day
the bank president himself came over the house and
signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even
more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was
number 2?"

"Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart
attack and you were needing that very tricky operation,
and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr.
DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing
for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more
wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really
love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all
right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you
really wanted to be president of the golf club and you
were 27 votes short?"



The middle aged secretary had never been married and 
had had enough of work, as well as the single life.  It was no 
secret that she was looking to get married.

As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag 
from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks 
you've bought enough birth control pills to last 10 years, 
energy pills for years, and Lord knows how many condoms.  
And you don't even have a boyfriend.  Whom are you 
trying to seduce?"

She smiled slyly and replied, "The pharmacist, silly."



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Re yesterday's picture, thanks to Wayne for pointing out,
that it actually was from Best Buy.



Click through for the big version

 



Two ladies were talking over the back fence. One asked, "Do you use oral
contraceptives?"
The other said, "Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant THAT way!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter



From Roseann:

Here I sit all broken hearted
Came to shit and only farted
One hour later, I took a chance,
Went to fart and shit my PANTS!!



A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one
evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue
of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to
her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which
the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah?
Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and
walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and
says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way
that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."



Years ago, in high-school, Jill, a bosomy cheerleader confessed 
to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her 
boyfriend in the front seat of his car.

"Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think 
about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong."

"Yeah, I guess you right." replied Jill. "Maybe it would be 
more comfortable in the back seat."



	Only 12 paychecks away



Today's Movie

Click through to "Torn Pants

ophelia@dingbatter.com	Please help me stay online!
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
		Subscribe

Since July 1, 2011, the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day, $1 per month or $10 per year. Can you afford $1 per month? To subscribe, 1) If you are not signed up, sign up with the Double-Opt-In Subscriber, 2) Confirm, that your email address CAN receive mail from me, 3) Pay for your subscription at You can pay easily and securely with PayPal, even if you don't have a PayPal account. Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, July 21

A new study showed that there are 2.6 Million illegal immigrants
in California. Of that, Illegal immigrants make up 12 percent 
of the population in wine-growing Napa County, one of the 
highest rates after Monterey and San Benito counties, where 
they make up 13.5 percent of the population, and Imperial 
County, along the Mexican border, where they make up 12.8 
percent. Illegal immigrants represent 10.2 percent of the 
population in Santa Clara County, 8.4 percent in Alameda 
County and 5.9 percent in Solano County, according to the 
study.

The study was apparently based on records of providing 
welfare, schooling and medical services.

The average cost of all that apparently is $24,650 a year.
Hmm, without taking my sneakers off for fancy math,
if I roughly multiply that by 2.6 Million, that comes to
about 64 Billion dollars, small change for a state, that has
so much money left over, plus it creates jobs for people
who count the illegals and make pretty stats and graphs.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the full version:


I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I 
want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard 
time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

"His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand 
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night . ..
whether you're here or not."



Today's goofy movie is "Skunked"

Enjoy!
Ophelia

ophelia@dingbatter.com

Please help me stay online!

Please subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News

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Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
		Subscribe

Since July 1, 2011, the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day, $1 per month or $10 per year. Can you afford $1 per month? To subscribe, 1) If you are not signed up, sign up with the Double-Opt-In Subscriber, 2) Confirm, that your email address CAN receive mail from me, 3) Pay for your subscription at You can pay easily and securely with PayPal, even if you don't have a PayPal account. Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, July 20

Well, the domains dahunk.com and sinbabe.com are still
safe. I was surprised, that none of you showed any interest
in those names. Too raunchy?
alphaknitter.com and haloknitter.com are still free too!

What kind of names would you be interested in?

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the full version:


Ramona said, "My, but you look different today,"
to Marianne, a coworker at the hospital. "Your
hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed
look. What did you use - special curlers and
some dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Marianne.
"My vibrator shorted out this morning."



Today's goofy movie is "Birthday Czar"

Enjoy!
Ophelia

ophelia@dingbatter.com

Please help me stay online!

Please subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News

Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody.

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MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software © Webby 1996-2011

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
		Subscribe

Since July 1, 2011, the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day, $1 per month or $10 per year. Can you afford $1 per month? To subscribe, 1) If you are not signed up, sign up with the Double-Opt-In Subscriber, 2) Confirm, that your email address CAN receive mail from me, 3) Pay for your subscription at You can pay easily and securely with PayPal, even if you don't have a PayPal account. Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

Good Morning,  !
Today is Tuesday, July 19

Got a mail today from friend Attila in Nevada, inquiring why he 
didn't get his newsletter. 
Well, Attila uses a Yahoo address. Nobody with Yahoo addresses
gets newsletters consistently, except the drivel from Yahoo groups.
There is nothing I can do about that. Once my newsletter has 
entered the Yahoo server, it is strictly between Yahoo and you.

Dianne, the lady who sends me the bonus links, has a
Yahoo address on the side. About two or three times a month
she writes me: "Hey, your newsletter came through on the 
Yahoo address today!", and we speculate about the phases
of the moon. 

On her grown-ups style address based on her ISP, she gets
my newsletter every day.

If you are a yahoo, get a Gmail address on the side for 
important mail, or an address based on your ISP, or if you
can afford $10 a year for a domain name registration plus
a little bit for hosting, you can get a domain with your name,
nickname or something you made up. 

Just like I did years ago. I got dingbatter.com, and you can 
write to me at ophelia@dingbatter.com, and NOBODY censors
my email. 

I asked DearWebby about what kind of names are still free.

Hey, I can get you dahunk.com !
Then you can have @dahunk.com
For women, I can get you @sinbabe.com
Or prim and proper ones:
@prayforme.biz
@alphaknitter.com

Those are just some examples he tossed at me.

Attila, if you did not get my reply, please tell me, and I'll 
make a new address, that Yahoo is hopefully not censoring yet.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the full version:


Bob made a suggestion to his wife, "Honey, what do you
say that tonight we change positions?"

Jane responded with, "Yes, I would really like that. 
Tonight, you stand by the ironing board and I'll lay on the 
couch and fart."



Today's goofy movie is "Birthday Czar"

Enjoy!
Ophelia

ophelia@dingbatter.com

Please help me stay online!

Please subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News

Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody.

Large Font Version   |      |  Subscribe  |

MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software © Webby 1996-2011

Ophelia Dingbatter's News NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
		Subscribe

Since July 1, 2011, the Ophelia Dingbatter's News is 2.7 cents per day, $1 per month or $10 per year. Can you afford $1 per month? To subscribe, 1) If you are not signed up, sign up with the Double-Opt-In Subscriber, 2) Confirm, that your email address CAN receive mail from me, 3) Pay for your subscription at You can pay easily and securely with PayPal, even if you don't have a PayPal account. Just use your credit or debit card or E-check.

Good Morning,  !
Today is Monday, July 18

When I returned a casserole dish to Maryann, I got into the
middle of a heated argument about microwave. It seems the
AOLers are forwarding those chain hoaxes again. 

I was amazed and amused at all the wacky arguments they had
against microwave and sat down beside Anna, Maryann's mother,
who cooks strictly just with either the microwave or the barbecue.

Anna is 96 or 98, and has been using a microwave 
"since the @#$%& stone age" and is quite opinionated. It was 
a hoot. 

My opinion on microwave remained unchanged. If there was
something wrong with it, somebody would have sued the pants
off General Electric fifty years ago, and until somebody does,
I am going to save an awful lot of time and electricity by
using microwave whenever I can.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Here is a tiny sample of the types of jokes you get in the full version:

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around at
Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at
a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read
aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25%
during sex?"

My brother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours
don't?"

My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied,
"You're not pumping hard enough."



Today's goofy movie is "Water Park"

Enjoy!
Ophelia

ophelia@dingbatter.com

Please help me stay online!

Please subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News

Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody.

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