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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
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Dad took his little boy to Walmart.  Of course, as you walk in the
machines with prizes in them are irresistible.  Dad gives in as he wants
the boy to be occupied.  The kid inserts 2 quarters. and gets the little
clear balls w/ toys inside.  The kid removes the toy, puts the little
plastic covers in his back pockets and they continue on in to shop. 

Now they are standing in line waiting to check out.  The boy is by now 
bored and fussy  - becoming very irritable and  dad's frustration is 
mounting.

Finally,  dad breaks - he picks the kid up and sits him firmly down on
the counter...The boy immediately starts wailing and dad says 
"Stop that!".  

The son replies   between screams, " But dad, you busted my little balls! "


Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under
the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

 



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X-Large


Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in
the dumps. "Whats the matter?", Bill asked. 

"I dont get it", Joe sighed. The dating scene is so confusing. 
There are so many damned people you have to please.  
Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, 
but her father hated me.  

Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really 
liked me, but SHE didnt like me. 

And then there was this woman I met last night.  She absolutely 
loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, 
but her husband could'nt stand me!"


A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a
primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them
Reading, Writing, Math and Science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a
white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the
professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white
man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white
child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what
happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence of what we in the
civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over
there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you
what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I
won't say anything more about that white kid."


There were two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school and were both virgins and
enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade.  When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime
they could together.  As time went on, the guy would call
the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would
take weeks to return any letters.  Even when he e-mailed
her, she took days to return his messages.  Finally, she
confessed to him that she wanted to date around.   He didn't
take this very well and increased his calls and letters and
e-mails trying to win back her love.  Because she became
annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him
off her back.   So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me
alone."  Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but
even more so, he was pissed.  So what he did next was
awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom
and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, July 19, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Now that they are retired, mother and father are
discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you
do if I die before you do?" dad asked mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look
for a house sharing situation with three other single or
widowed women who might be a little younger than
herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then mom asked dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."

Boom!


A young suitor was being led through the voluminous pages of
the old family album by his girl's proud father.  After
seeing scores of members of the clan, the young man was
finally shown the picture of a solid-looking old gentleman.
"This," said the father proudly, "is the founder of the
family."

"What did he do?" asked the young man.

"He founded the family," the older man said again.

"I mean, sir," the suitor floundered, "what did he do to
distinguish himself?"

"He was the founder of the family," the father rasped in
exasperation.

"I understand that, sir," the suitor sighed.  "I just wondered
what the old gent did in the daytime."

 



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X-Large


A bible-thumping preacher was really getting it going one Sunday,
and in the heat of the Gospel, an attractive lady leaned out of
the balcony a little too far, and fell over the railing.

As she passed the chandelier on the way down, the hem of her dress
caught on part of the fixture, and she hung there with her dress
pulled clear over her shoulders for everyone's viewing pleasure!

The preacher, a sensitive sort, cried out, "Any man who dares to
look shall be struck blind!"

A fellow in the front row nudged his friend and said, "Hell, I'm
gonna chance it. This left eye ain't worth a shit, anyway!"


On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally
retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations,
the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom
on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?"
she asked.

"I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man.

"I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."


A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother.
"Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the
same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject
had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to
her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," the teenager
pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, July 18, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

After the annual office party blowout, John woke up with a
pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to
recall the events of the preceeding evening. After a trip
to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was
it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in
antagonizing the entire senior management, and insulted 
the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole - piss on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back to work on Monday."



A British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced 
that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and 
have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out 
of one person put it in another and have him looking for work 
in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced 
we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and 
have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are 
way behind. We took a man and put him in the White House, 
and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half
preparing for revolution!"
 




There was this girl who was a prostitute, but she didn't
want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole
group of prostitutes and the girl was among the group. The
police had each of them line up.

The girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Not
willing to let her know the truth, the girl told her
grandmother that some people were passing out free oranges
and she was lining up for some.

Grandma wanted oranges too, so she went to the back of the
line. A policeman was going down the line asking for
information from the prostitutes. When he got to grandma,
he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do
it?"

"Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them
dry."


Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long plane flight.
After 30 minutes the man on the left suddenly says distinctly and
confidently in a low voice: "General, United States Army, married, 
two sons, both surgeons."

After another half hour the man on the right reveals through a
tight-lipped smile:

"General, United States Air Force, married, two sons, both judges. "

Yet another 30 minutes passes before the one in the middle with eyes
twinkling, loudly proclaims:

"Chief Petty Officer, United States Navy, never married, two sons, 
both generals."


Young claustrophobe Jenny shuns houses,
And also bras, panties and blouses.
And, for a small fee,
I'll let you come see
Her, out in the field where the cows is.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, July 17, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them
are talking about the amount of control they have over
their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and
says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do
you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What
happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer,
sighed and uttered,

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight
like a man.'"



A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a
fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly
away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like
your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There
are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice
cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." 

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the 
one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
 


Large version 1024x768


A little boy was in health class, when his teacher asked the
students to go home and find out how man was created. The boy
went home, and his mom was peeling spuds for dinner.

He asked, "Mom, how were we created?"

His mom said, "We were made from spuds," because she was
peeling spuds and there was nothing else.

When his mom left the kitchen, he got a spud and put it in
his trouser pocket.

The next day at school, the boy was in health class, when
the teacher asked if the students knew how man was created.
The boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.

"Miss, would you like me to tell you or to show you?"

The teacher replied, "It's all right, I know you know the
answer."


Ole and Sven are neighbors in Southern Manitoba.  Ole is
in need of a new milk cow.  He hears about a nice one for
sale over the border in Minnesota.

He drives over to Minnesota, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see
if she gives milk.  When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow breaks
wind.

Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling
the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again.  He grabs another teat,
pulls, and the cow farts again.  Milk does come out, however, so after
some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home.

He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here
and look at dis new cow I just bought.  Pull her teat,
and see what happens."

Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts.  Sven looks
at Ole and says, "You bought this cow in Minnesota, yah?"

Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how
did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."


The agent for a Pamplastic, a fairly good looking actress, 
discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a 
fifty dollars a night.

The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that s
he had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told 
her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted 
to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him, butsaid he would 
have to pay her the same fifty dollars that the other customers 
did.

He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, 
"Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"

"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full
price for it, just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, 
she came to his apartment after her performance at a local 
night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning 
out all the lights.

At 1 A.M., she was awakened again.  Again she was vigorously 
screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again 
she was screwed.

The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. 
I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. 
"Your agent is at the front door, selling hundred dollar tickets."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 16, 2010




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.


An old man and an old woman meet and get married. On their honeymoon
at the resort, they get ready for their first night together. Somewhat
shyly, they begin to take their clothes off.

The old woman says to the old man, "Before we do this, there's
something I have to tell you."

"What is it?", asks the old man.

She hesitantly replies, "I have to let you know that I have acute
angina."

He says, "Well, your boobs are quite cute too, ya know!"


A merchant captain and several of his officers were
returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over
himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, he shouted, "Give
that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning, the captain was checking the log and
saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and
asked the chief mate why.

"Well, sir, when we got you undressed, we found that he'd
also taken a dump in your pants."

 


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X-Large version 1600x1200

And for the poor folks with a sawed off screen:
Large version 1280x800
X-Large version 1600x1000



Rosey, ever the gracious hostess, was serving drinks at one of her
parties over the Holidays. A friend of hers brought his brother who had
just been ordained a Priest. She offered the friend a drink from the
tray and said, "I'm sorry Father, I'll go right back to the kitchen and
bring you a coke."

The Priest smiled and said "No need to. I may have alcohol. Priests
abstain from sex, not the grape."

"Oh !" said Rosey blushing, "So that's it. I knew it was one or the
other that I wasn't supposed to offer you."


Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with
his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to
the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He
can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up.  "Covered wagon," he says,
"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one
white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows
how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are,
who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "I fell off it about a half hour 
ago."


The 20 RULES
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must
immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written
consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants
him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know
whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what
she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take
the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male
must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

19. That one is a "Gimmie". We make it up as and when needed.

20. That one, of course, is secret.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------